All this talk about incomes - how much, how many, etc - got me to thinking.

What income could you leave to be a stay-at-home parent? Or would it not be a factor at all in your decision?

(Assume that in doing so you have at least a modest means of support)

cj/

this is something i feel very strongly about, and i know i'm in the minority (at least in my family/neighborhood). when 2 incomes are needed to make ends meet, that's a different story. i just don't believe that having a second salary for all the "extras" is worth not being home and raising a family. i'm not as much of a stickler when the kids are more grown (teenagers) but i never understood the mothers working while their babies were in daycare - mind you, these are the mothers that really don't *have* to work.

How on earth could you have known that they didn't have to work, either for financial or other personal reasons?

Now we have a debate about stay at home moms, vs. working moms. I think people need to be honest with themselves...being a stay at home mom does not make you a better mom. Let's face it...as mothers we need to be happy (yes I know...we are suppose to sacrifice all for our children, I'm not disputing that). However, someone who is forced to stay home because she thinks thats what society, parents, spouse, in-laws, expect, will only be resentful. Kids will then have to deal with that.

I know plenty of stay at home moms whose homes are immaculate, etc. who talk on the phone all day long and throw their kids in front of the tv. It isn't quantity that makes a good parent...sometimes it's more about quality.

Having said all of that, kids don't need the "extras" that some parent's income can afford them (although many parents think that way). They need YOU....your attention, love and devotion. BTW, this applies to mothers as well as fathers. Kids want their parents around, not a parent who works 70 hours a week (mom or dad).

Bravo, Goonie! Very well said!

My situation is like some of the others. I gave up a start in teaching 14 years ago to stay home. I COULD be halfway to retirement and earning a decent salary (I would have completed my Masters degree by now.) Instead, I substitute and make $10/hour. So, I officially gave up a salary of $35,000+.

Now I am going back to work in education as an aide to make $14,500/year. You could say that I am giving up my stay-at-home status for $14,500. I figure I need to do something for myself (esteem, confidence, adult network, etc.).

Thanks for your inputs.....I'm not sure I set the poll up to reflect what I meant. THe more I think about it, I think I did it backwards - OOPS!

For example, if you made $100K - which from the other post, some people felt was like "WOW" - would you leave that income to be a stay-at-home parent or would you figure out someway to try to balance both work and home?

cj/

i have an old college friend who has a great job, and his wife went back to work and put their 6 month old in daycare. i know he was disappointed by her decision, but she chose to work over being home with her infant. i apologize if i lumped ALL mothers into her situation. i knew this would open a can of worms...

8 years ago I left a $44,000 corporate job with a great career path to stay at home. My husbands career really took off and his salary actually went up faster after I stayed home because we no longer had to split the child care duties as far as who had to leave to pick them up, stay home when they were sick, etc. I'm thinking of getting a part time job - in fact I was offered a great one in February, but we are in the process of moving and our house took longer to sell than we thought it would. I wanted to have all these loose ends tied up before I go back, so that will be done the end of this month and I"ll be looking again probably this fall after school starts.

Lisa

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"It's not having what you want,
It's wanting what you've got"

I have never worked, but our decision for me to stay at home was for the stability of our family, we are a military family, and DH is constantly gone, and we felt it was important for the kids to always have someone who could be there no matter what. We have 6 little ones (well oldest is 12 now youngest 3) and I've been thinking some on going to work once they are all in school........DH really wants me stay home though.....People choose to stay home for many reasons

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"You can never really pay back. You can only pay forward."

Wayne Woodrow “Woody” Hayes

O-H-I-O

Did your college friend go back to work, too? If so, why not criticize him as much as the mother? Maybe SHE was disappointed by his decision, but he chose to work over being home with his infant, didn't he?

Some dont have a choice but for some the choice comes easy some moms want to work some want to be home I loved working FT which I also had no choice but to work to raise my oldest dd. But when I had my middle dd now 6 the choice was again easy I couldnt leave her my dh wasnt making a whole lot at the time so we cut alot out & I found these sights online & we made it work now I work two very very pt jobs but it gives me the chance to do something for myself & earn a little extra spending money for me & the kids. I have a friend with 2 babies & she drives over an hour each way to work I have no idea how she can come out ahead after daycare & gas but she is not the type to stay home even though her dh also makes good moeny so I guess her choice was easy. I respect her for her decision & she respects mine.

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mom of 3 greats girls

I'm 32 and right now I only work because my DH and I had both bought new cars before we got married three years ago then last year we got a loan to do some work around the house. I only plan on working 4 more years then I'm going to quit and go back to school. I enjoy working but it's hard on me because sometimes my current job does not understand family issues such as a sick child,etc. My DD is 10 and honestly I want to be able to be home more when she hits those lovely teenage years so maybe I can ward off some of the impending issues that occur when children reach their teens.

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"Let me watch my children grow to see what they become
Lord don't let that cold wind blow til I'm too old to die young'

Just something to consider--Not all women are cut out to be stay at home moms. REGARDLESS of whether they NEED the money, they just aren't cut out to be the June Cleaver/Mrs. Cunningham type of mom! They are good mothers, though. They give 110% to their kids (just like the stay at home moms).

HOW dare any man EXPECT a woman to give up her job/independence and be a stay at home mom!?

Stay at home mom IS a job/vocation, just like nursing or retail or management or insurance or whatever. Just like I don't expect every woman to be good at nursing and choose that as a vocation/job--I certainly don't expect every woman to be a stay at home mom.

Frankly--I would love to be a stay at home mom again. I like being the June Cleaver type (with the exception of wearing heels and pearls to clean the freaking oven ). But, alas, we have to be a two income family for the time being.

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

Back to what I said earlier...every Mom needs to know what it will take for her (not her neighbor, college friend, etc.) to be the very best Mom she can be. It's about being honest with yourself, for the sake of your kids.

The thing about parenthood that is different from any other vocation/career is that there is no trial run. Sometimes you don't know what is best for you (and your family) until those kids come along. You can't "try" parenting like you can "try" teaching, nursing, etc.

Woman do not have it easy. We strive for things just like men (good grades so that we can get into a good college, good career choices so that we can get further ahead) and then society expects us to just stop everything so that we can make a different choice. That's tough.

I have a 14 year old daughter who is already trying to decide what her career path should be so that she can best balance all of the rest of the demands that are put on women.

Incidentally, I have always worked part-time and my daughter went to daycare. She thrived socially and emotionally and if I wasn't extremely satisfied with my child care, I would have changed it. Not all child care is bad.

When my daughter was about 7, with the support of my husband I decided to go back to school to become a teacher. I now have a master's degree and I worked my tail off. It was a great way to show my daughter what it means to want something and to have to work hard for it. She doesn't feel slighted in the least. She and my husband have always been my top priority.

I enjoy being a SAHM, but, did enjoy when I worked PT. It got me out with other adults, I met people, it was fun. We have a comfortable life right now, but, I am looking for something PT or maybe even FT to get me out amongst people again. No real money issue, so I guess I didn't answer your question.

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Doing the right thing isn't always the same as doing the easy thing.

I guess I can't really answer your question as asked, since I didn't really leave much money behind when I stopped working. My husband makes about twice as much now as he did back then so it's not all that tough, and I don't really have to work, but I want to after I go to school. My kids are 8, 6 and 7mo so I probably won't work til my baby starts school anyway. I can't say I've always enjoyed being a SAHM but these days it's not so bad. I can't imagine paying someone to watch my kids when they're babies because I just love that stage, but could live without experiencing terrible-twos 24/7

I'm in an online birth-month group and we had discussions about sahm vs working and really I don't think everyone needs to be a SAHM (which is HARD at times, just like paid work is)... I just personally have a hard time thinking about leaving a 6 week old baby at daycare and I'm glad I have a choice.

I feel like I can work anywhere anytime AFTER my kids are out of our home. I only have 18 years with them. And there will always be a job somewhere for me to do. I only have one trip around with my kiddies.

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Vicki


TLJ Women united in Spirit!

I can't help wondering, for those of you who think it's important for you to be with them so much that you chose not to work -- what about the importance of time with their fathers? Have you considered working and letting your husband stay at home for a few years? Shouldn't both parents have equal time with the kids?

My husband spends alot of time with his children and b/c he works we make sure there is one parent at home. For my situation, Im in school to become a doctor and we have timed it just as our youngest will be turning 17 I will be done. I think its important to have at least one parent who is constantly around b/c no matter how loving the babysitter, nanny or whoever they have nothing invested in the safety, well-being and turning into a generally well-balanced person like a parent does. This is our decision as a couple. We really don't care which parent stays home mom vs. dad but for our family we believe that at least one person should be at home.

I don't know if I answered your question or not b/c to be honest with you one of us has to work, neither one of us are independantly wealthy(I wish) and we all have to eat!! That said if we were both independantly wealthy we would be here and at home with them period.

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Vicki


TLJ Women united in Spirit!

I disagree with you. Having worked numerous years in daycare--I had A LOT invested in the safety, well-being and teaching the children. I loved "my" children. I was with them often more than their own parents. I babysat some of those children on my "off" time. I watched those children grow and learn. I held them when they cried, I applauded their achievements. While I don't know that every daycare provider is like that--I was, as was the people I worked with! If you do have to have a daycare provider for you child of course you should have one that is invested in the safety and well-being of your child. If you don't then your dumber than dirt.

While I support the decision that you made to stay at home, I have to wonder how you have such intimate knowledge of what a babysitter, nanny, etc. has invested in the children that they care for and about? Is that your presumption? Or do you have some personal knowledge of those type of situations?

Again, I disagree with you, but that doesn't mean either of is wrong. I just wonder how you came to such conclusions if one of you has always been home w/ the children.

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

My SIL is an Department of children and family investigator and I also have freinds who are very loving daycare providers. But when that child leaves the business or home, they aren't worried about them, they aren't constantly making sure that those kids are doing their homework or who they are dating or what types of friends they are hanging out with. I have also been out with my children and friends on an outing and observed daycare providers treatment of the children. Children running everywhere and them discovering a child is missing, grabbing a child by the arm and yelling at children. This was not one day, it was several last year at different outings during the summer. I don't even want to go into stories about daycare horrors that my sister deals with on a day to day basis. And we don't live in a "bad" neighborhood or area.

I also wanted to say that (without the benefit of tone or inflection) you seem very defensive about a decision my DH and I made. I was asked a question and I answered it with the clear intention of this was for me and mine and also believe that I did so without being demeaning to others decisions. Also, I am glad you feel like you are a excellent daycare provider, good for you and those children you watch everyday. It can only benefit them to have someone so vested in their lives.

and I have been home since the first DD took her first breathe, ten and half years ago.

Sorry it took so long I had to fix at least some of the spelling errors!!!

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Vicki


TLJ Women united in Spirit!

No, it wasn't/isn't the decision you made for you family. We all have to make decisions that we feel is best for our own families--regardless of what other may think.

My defensiveness probably came across due to the blanket statement that you made regarding daycare providers/nannies/"whoever". You based it on "horror" stories and tales from your friends. Not actual experience. And that's what raised my hackles. You made a blanket statement that you, from your own words, know NOTHING about--except what your SIL tells you or what your friends have told you. OF COURSE your going to hear all the bad stories from your SIL--that's her job! I know horrible stories about TERRIBLE babysitters/nannies/childcare providers. But, I *was* the daycare provider that did care. When my kids went home, I did worry about them. I still do! And it's been 15 years since I was a provider! I have seen a lot of very good providers who do not deserve to be put down like you did. All of the GOOD ONES did have an investment in the health, well-being, safety and growth of "their" children.

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

I am not willing to take a chance with my children if my DH and I can prevent it. Thank you for making my point though, I believe after attacking me over a personal choice, I wouldn't leave my goldfish for you to look after.

You got riled up over a decision and a reason DH and I made. If you feel we are ignorant in our conclusion well then it won't hurt you now will it? The only reason someone should get riled up is if they are making a decision about your life for you. And thats not the case here. I will let this be my last statement here b/c obviously you are not willing to let my statement be my statement. And after 10 1/2 years of being a stay-at-home mom, I don't think that you being nasty and trying to throw your position around about this subject will change my mind. And I won't change yours, and guess what I wasn't trying to change anyones, just telling our personal story.

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Vicki


TLJ Women united in Spirit!

Marilyn - you sound a lot like the woman who babysat my boys from when the oldest was six weeks to when the youngest started first grade at age 6 - that was a span of 10 years and "ended" 7 years ago. We still get together several times a year and she always wants to know how they are doing and is there to give them props and reprimands when needed. In fact, DH was just over fixing her pool and answering all her questions about what the guys are up to (oldest is in France right now! ). She is more connected to the kids then their own grandparents, and it is a blessing to have another caring adult in the life of my kids.

Question for Vicki - since you brought up your plans to be a doctor...I was curious as to whether you've taken any ethics or other courses that help to prepare those in the medical field to objectively serve patients of all backgrounds and beliefs? Do they have such training - required or voluntary? (Off topic, I know...but unfortunately this thread is going in a little bit of a different direction than I had hoped..)

cj/

ummmm...OK.

I explained what my defensive posture was regarding and you still choose to take it a different way. I apologize if you thought I was being "nasty". Maybe you don't feel as secure in your position as you would like to think.

I didn't attack you personally in the beginning, I simply stated I disagreed with you and why I disagreed with you. That being said--I hope with all my heart of hearts that you treat your prospective patients with a little better manners than you have displayed here!

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

WOW! Just wow! And to think, you are going to be making life and decisions regarding other people's lives one of these days. Please tell me where you will be practicing medicine so that I can warn my family of your intolerance and hatefulness.(and that is a personal attack.

I think that the "nothing invested" was a trigger for some; I know it was for me. Clearly, the average daycare provider does not have as much invested in a child's development and future as the average parent but there are exceptions on both sides. Some parents are pretty awful!

cj/

My oldest child is almost 17. I worked the first year of my life-probably didn't have to, I just thought that was what I should be doing at the time. I did quit after the year, and went to school part time. Since then, I have pretty much been home (worked a few part time jobs here and there as needed). Now, my youngest is heading to kindergarten, and I am really ready to go back to school and start a career-do something for me. While DH makes a pretty good salary, and is moving up the corporate ladder rather quickly, we have always had to pinch pennies in order for me to be a SAHM w/ four boys. I am really ready for that second income!

exactly....if we were to be discussing doctors and I were to make a blanket statement that every chiropractor was just a quack, that would probably offend others. And if I were to have based my statement on 2nd hand stories from the medical review board member who only investigated complaints against chiropractors, well that perspective would be a bit jaded. ESPECIALLY, if I had never, ever been to a chiropractor for an adjustment? (for the record, I am just using that as an example--I know good Chiros and bad Chiros!)

I really wasn't trying to be nasty or personally attack someone. I was under the impression that saying I disagreed and this is why I disagree was, last I checked, a perfectly adult and mature way to phrase it. I asked the questions I asked because I wanted to know from whence her opinion came. If she's drawing on having had a few bad babysitters then it's a little easier to understand a generalization. I really am sorry that it appeared I was being nasty. That was not my intent. Would it have been any better if I would have just said "You're statement offends me and this is why....". I'm betting not--I'm betting that would have created the same kind of reaction.

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

Yikes!! A lot of people obviously read some stuff into this post that I just don't see!

Looks to me like a confident mom who is standing by her position to be a stay-at-home-mom. She didn't slam anyone who didn't make that decision. What she did was truthfully refer to some horror stories of day-care providers. Sorry - we all know there are a LOT of those stories out there!

And, word to MarilynK, just because a parent (LUCKILY) didn't experience the events of the shared information first-hand, doesn't mean the parent shouldn't make decisions about child care based on that information. I, like the above poster, am lucky enough to stay at home with my child. For us it was also the right decision to make.

For those who chose other alternatives, I trust that you believe you're doing what's right for your families, too.

I do worry about the well-being of any children in the care of one as angry as the ex-daycare provider who keeps hurling insults at stay-at-home moms. Hmmmmm.........

I really think that what she is trying to say is that no-one loves your children as much as you. There are great daycare providers out there. but still no one can mother better than mom. I should say in most cases.

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When you don`t know what to do-Walk fast and look worried.

Oh for the love of all that is holy! I was a stay at home mom until my youngest started school. I've been on both sides of the fence.

I really am sorry that what I said was offensive to some. That was not then nor is it now my intent. My intent was that the poster painted all daycare providers with the same brush stroke. And it wasn't in a nice way. You just can't do that! There are good and bad in every walk of life, every profession! If you base your decisions solely on second hand information then you may be missing out on a vital bit of information--how come that is so hard to explain?

If you feel insulted (as a stay-at-home mom) then I sincerely apologize! Stay at home moms are just as important and worthy of praise as working moms.

You just can't start making broad generalizations that daycare providers don't have anything invested in the children they care for. They may be true of some, but it's not the case with all. That's all I'm saying!

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

Yes, it does, because apparently she doesn't know a personal attack when she sees one. Second, who gave who the negative rep points first Carrie?
I LOVE it when people try and play innocent!

And I for you! Bless your heart!

I completely agree with how you have said it. And apparently my point was not coming across in a clear and concise way. No one loves a child like the child's parents, but there are other people out there (daycare providers included) who care a great deal about said child and provide a wonderful enviroment for said child to grow and flourish in. To say that no one else could have a vested interest in a child (or multiple children) is misleading and incorrect.

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

WOW this is better than anything on tv right now!

ITA here, that seems to have been the missed point. When a child needs a parent, the mom or dad is who they want over anyone else. No one can kiss a booboo like Mom, it's the truth! ANd no I don't trust ANYONE 100% besides my family and I don't think anyone should, it's the nature of being a parent.

We all do what is best for our family and while not everyone agrees on what that might be, we can all still be right in our opinion, because that's what it is OUR opinioin.

A good doctor will recognize the power of love and devotion, you can treat us anytime.

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"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked." ~ Bernard Meltzer

Totally not called for and rude.

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"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked." ~ Bernard Meltzer