Does anyone else care for their sick or elderly parents?**UPDATED**

flipper113 · #1 (**permalink**) 06-19-2007, 06:26 PM

I am having a tough time with dealing with my Dad's cancer and I am pretty much doing it alone. My sister lives 6 hours away and we are already fighting about what the doctors said and Dad's only been in the hospital a week.

She heard one thing this morning and then I was told something else today when i went. I called the doctor and spoke to him for a while and some of the things my sister was told at the begninning of the week have changed and part of what she heard this morning apparently was not correct (she spoke to someone else, not him). She was yelling at me and saying I was defending him and she knows this and that and he's wrong, I'm wrong ,etc.

I am feeling very alone, she can run back to her family and live a normal life and I have to run to the hospital every day (sometimes with the 2 kids and Dad wasn't to thrilled with that today, can't blame him)

and possibly have him live with me until he passes. My life for the next few months is going to be a wreck, it already is and it's only week 2 of the hard stuff.

He has stage 4 cancer and it has spread to his brain. They are starting some chemo tomorrow, but honestly I think it's just going to make him worse, he can barely stand now.

I already cared for both of my grandparents (one was an amputee and one was blind) with no help from anyone and now I am left dealing with it again only worse.

When it is not my turn?

LBeadle · #2 (**permalink**) 06-19-2007, 06:31 PM

HOney I understand for the last 3 years of my mom's life she lived with me and I took care of her myself. I had a brother living 2 blocks from me and a sister 3 miles from me. The only help I got was when she was diagnosed with the brain cancer they helped me pick out the nursing home and took turns visiting her in the hospital. I cared for her in the nursing home (they couldn't take care of Mom like I did), planned her funeral and now I am still taking care of her via her grave.

I fear like me because of your caring nature you are the one blessed to take care of the sick family members. I pray God gives you the strength you need.

mabear74 · #3 (**permalink**) 06-19-2007, 07:18 PM

I am not in this position, but my Mom is, and the only thing I can say is God Bless you and may he give you the strength you need to get through this. I really do not know how my Mom does it, she is one of 6 kids 4 who are very close and no one else does anything except complain.......

littlejo · #4 (**permalink**) 06-19-2007, 07:33 PM

My father in law lived with us until he died of cancer. I suggest that you ask for home health when heis d/c'ed. ask for a cna to come and assist with his bath too. get all the assistance you can. you will need all the help u can get.

mom2twins2 · #5 (**permalink**) 06-19-2007, 08:11 PM

I do feel for you. I cared for my elderly parents till they passed but my sister and I did it together. We both lived in the same neighborhood and when one of us couldn't do something, the other one did it. I'm sorry your sister is acting the way she is. Amazing how the person who lives 6 hours away seems to know everything going on when, in fact, she doesn't know what you or your father is going thru.

Since your father has the end stages of cancer, have you looked into hospice to help you? You could at least get a break for yourself and your family.

And the next time your sister calls and gets in such a know-it-all mood, tell her if she can do any better, SHE is more than welcome to get her butt down to the hospital to help you out!!

(((HUGS)))

foryoubabyblue · #6 (**permalink**) 06-20-2007, 06:13 AM

Stress can make a bad situation so much worse, and I think that's what your sister's dealing with. You've already been dealing with this, which takes a lot of guts, but someone who's new to it can get brittle really fast.

Please, seek out and take any help you can get. If you can get home care, that helps a lot, but if you can get a friend or neighbor to drop in and help out with chores, or take the kids, or even just have coffee with you, that's worth a lot too. It might also be worth seeing if your city has any volunteer services. The problem is that you have to care for your dad's health, your sanity, and people who are coping badly. Now might be a good time to try to make peace, acknowledge what stress can do, and talk about the options you have.

Cuthie · #7 (**permalink**) 06-20-2007, 08:05 AM

I don't like to defend your sister for the way that she is behaving but, sometimes people who are upset, depressed, stressed, etc. react in different ways. It is honestly one of the stages of grief... anger.

One way that people cope is to do as you are doing and step up and help... Some people cope by yelling and screaming, some people distance themselves... I am sure that you go through the range of these emotions in small bits.

Not knowing your sister (and not having any sisters myself!) or your relationship in less stressful times, I'd probably try to talk with her as if she is not a family member but as if I was someone on the outside looking in. You and she really can be a rock for each other now if you are able to get your feelings to mesh.

Hopefully that relationship will work out. I'd give anything to have a sister.

The others give excellent advice in regards to your dad. I have also never been in this situation... We live 6 hours from our parents (which can be REALLY really difficult at times such as you are facing)! My thoughts and best wishes go out to you and your dad and the rest of your family.

I like the Mother Teresa quote above.

flipper113 · #8 (**permalink**) 06-20-2007, 08:15 AM

Cuthie, my Mom said the same thing this morning.

I know I am stressed because as soon as she left it was all back on me. I was hoping she could start coming down more often, like every other weekend to give me a break from doing everything all week, but she said no. I just felt like she left and that was it, she's done. Then to have her get mad at me when I was just relaying what the doctor said, wondering if that's how she's going to react every time I have things to tell her that she's not going to like to hear?

What makes it even harder is the fact that i have 2 kids and they are both out of school for the summer. I brought them up last night with puzzels, crayons, food, etc to keep them busy and they still annoyed my dad. How am I supposed to be there for him? What can I do with my kids? I do have 2 really close friends who will watch them and have already offered, but I hate to do that even once a week, that's would be putting stress on them.

I went to bed at 8:00 last night (I usually stay up until 1:00) and my house is a wreck, I just can't handle all of this so all of the sudden. I expected him to get bad, but not from walking and driving to hospital bed in a fetal position within a weeks time.

Cuthie · #9 (**permalink**) 06-20-2007, 08:26 AM

My heart just really goes out to you. This is so much for you to be handling... and I am sure that it is very difficult on the children as well. I'd be sure that you take your friends up on their offers.

Has the hospital mentioned hospice care? As another mentioned, they really can help alleviate some of the stress for your dad and for your family.

Hopefully, your sister got it out of her system and you can now talk. If it is easier, do email... ask her to think about the every other weekend deal... and then call her a few hours later.

Be strong. Hugs.

sunnyday212000 · #10 (**permalink**) 06-20-2007, 09:01 AM

Can you get copies of his records and send them to her? I did this when my grandfather was in the hospital (got the copies for myself) and it really helped because I could take my time reading over it and comparing it to the notes from the previous day (plus DH looked over his list of meds and found a few that he should not have been on let one of his many drs know that xxx would be a better drug than xxx). Then if your father has several different doctors or nurses you can kind of make sure they are all on the same base, if you know what I mean.

tammyleeb · #11 (**permalink**) 06-20-2007, 12:31 PM

I feel for you. I helped care for my mother for about 15 years. She had MS and insisted on staying in her own home. As she got worse, she needed more and more care. For the first four or five years I drove to her home almost everyday (she lived about a half hour from my home). Her condition eventually required 24 hour care. I did find help with the funding to have CNAs come in and help, but it was still a very stressful situation for many, many years. My marriage almost ended, and my own health took a beating from the stress I felt. I guess the one thing I learned the hard way is to NOT put my own family on the back burner. I spent so much of my time and energy trying to keep my mother healthy and happy that I neglected my own family. My oldest daughter had some very mixed feeling about her grandmother, although she loved her dearly, she also had bitter feelings about the time I spent away from home. I learned the hard way that you can't get back the time you miss with your own children.
After managing to keep my mother in her own home for many years, I did eventally run out of options and she entered a nursing facility. My mother was very angry with me for a long time. But, I knew that she was not getting the care she needed at home, and I felt that for her own health, the was where she needed to be. It was not an easy decision and to this day....I wish things could have been different.
I know that my family paid a price for my decision to help care for my mother. It wasn't fair to them and I wish that I had stood up for myself years earlier.
Just don't forget to take care of yourself, we often get so busy taking care of everyone else that we forget to take the time for ourselves.

ellenboll · #12 (**permalink**) 06-20-2007, 06:13 PM

I can understand your plight. I took care of my mother for 2 1/2 years. It was the most stressful thing I've ever done and I have to say I never want my kids to do that for me. Fortunately my relationship with my husband is strong and we did it together. My brother lived too far away but also provided emotional support. You need a strong support system. Your sister may just be dealing with it in her own way. I know my brother was sometimes frustrated because he couldn't be here and always heard things from my point of view.

tessa67 · #13 (**permalink**) 06-20-2007, 11:12 PM

Are you in a financial position where you can pay someone to take some of the load? Hire Merry Maids for a while, send your laundry out, hire a lawn guy, send the kids to a local camp, have Schwans deliver some meals, etc. If so I would definately do it at least until you get your bearings and get a routine.

flipper113 · #14 (**permalink**) 06-20-2007, 11:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tammyleeb

I feel for you. I helped care for my mother for about 15 years. She had MS and insisted on staying in her own home. As she got worse, she needed more and more care. For the first four or five years I drove to her home almost everyday (she lived about a half hour from my home). Her condition eventually required 24 hour care. I did find help with the funding to have CNAs come in and help, but it was still a very stressful situation for many, many years. My marriage almost ended, and my own health took a beating from the stress I felt. I guess the one thing I learned the hard way is to NOT put my own family on the back burner. I spent so much of my time and energy trying to keep my mother healthy and happy that I neglected my own family. My oldest daughter had some very mixed feeling about her grandmother, although she loved her dearly, she also had bitter feelings about the time I spent away from home. I learned the hard way that you can't get back the time you miss with your own children.
After managing to keep my mother in her own home for many years, I did eventally run out of options and she entered a nursing facility. My mother was very angry with me for a long time. But, I knew that she was not getting the care she needed at home, and I felt that for her own health, the was where she needed to be. It was not an easy decision and to this day....I wish things could have been different.
I know that my family paid a price for my decision to help care for my mother. It wasn't fair to them and I wish that I had stood up for myself years earlier.
Just don't forget to take care of yourself, we often get so busy taking care of everyone else that we forget to take the time for ourselves.

This really is something that i worry about, my kids. They are young, but since it is summer break, they would be home all day and have to see first hand the pain and suffering. I don't want them to remember that. He is so bad the doctor doesn't think he will ever get out of the hospital anyway.

My sister was here for a few days and she was fine, but as soon as she crossed the border and was out of control, the attitude came out. I want her to come down more often, I need her help, but I don't know how to get that across to her. I talked to her on the way home from the hospital today and she wasn't too bad, but came home to a message she left earlier today with an attitude (glad I didn't hear that before I called).

I need the help, but she isn't giving it. It just feels like (I know it's not on purpose) her family is still going to have sort of a normal life over the next couple of months, while i am trying to arrange everything, go to the hospital as often as I can, find babysitters, talk to lawyers, friends who call, pay his bills and manage his financial state, set up Medicaid or Hospice whatever, etc. etc,

Then on top of all of that I get bit**ed at.

SHe was here for 4 days and now she's done for month? I have to make sacrifices, why not her?

Addison · #15 (**permalink**) 06-20-2007, 11:39 PM

Just a thought but have you thought about letting the kids go to vacation bible school/church camp? These are usually free if not really cheap. It might help you and I am sure the kids will enjoy it?

As for your sister it doesn't seem fair to you at all. I really feel for you right now. You are stuck between taking care of your father and taking care of your family. 2 very important jobs.

flipper113 · #16 (**permalink**) 06-20-2007, 11:55 PM

They do go to VBS in July for a week, and DS goes to a science camp for a week after that, but that's it. They are only day things, not overnight or anything. I will be able to at least spend those 2 weeks at the hospital and then I think my sister has a week off at the end of July. She already has plans for that week, lets see if she changes those?

I feel bad I don't get to see my dad more than I do too. If the kids were in school it would be so much easier. I am deoending on babysitters and while I was complaining a while back about too many friends, I think I need to take advantage of some of those friendships a little?

cjs216 · #17 (**permalink**) 06-21-2007, 06:49 AM

Awww, don't look at it as taking advantage of them - that's what friends are for! I bet that they would love to be able to help you in a time of need and will be happy that you asked. People are basically good and giving - and I'm sure your friends are extra good and giving!

cj/

allinaugust · #18 (**permalink**) 06-21-2007, 12:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by flipper113

This really is something that i worry about, my kids. They are young, but since it is summer break, they would be home all day and have to see first hand the pain and suffering. I don't want them to remember that. He is so bad the doctor doesn't think he will ever get out of the hospital anyway.

My sister was here for a few days and she was fine, but as soon as she crossed the border and was out of control, the attitude came out. I want her to come down more often, I need her help, but I don't know how to get that across to her. I talked to her on the way home from the hospital today and she wasn't too bad, but came home to a message she left earlier today with an attitude (glad I didn't hear that before I called).

I need the help, but she isn't giving it. It just feels like (I know it's not on purpose) her family is still going to have sort of a normal life over the next couple of months, while i am trying to arrange everything, go to the hospital as often as I can, find babysitters, talk to lawyers, friends who call, pay his bills and manage his financial state, set up Medicaid or Hospice whatever, etc. etc,

Then on top of all of that I get bit**ed at.

I look at it this way.....my kids are seeing how you take care of someone you care about that is sick, and needs your help. Put as positive a spin on it as you can. You are teaching your kids a very valuable lesson, IMO. You are showing them how families are there for each other, and when you care about a person, you make these sacrifices, and do these things.

As for your sister, try not to get riled up by what she is or isn't doing, and what you think she should or shouldn't do. Just do what YOU think YOU need to do, and don't expect anything from her. If you get something from her,you will be pleasantly surprised then.

You do need to remember to take care of yourself, and take time for you.

flipper113 · #19 (**permalink**) 06-21-2007, 06:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cjs216

Awww, don't look at it as taking advantage of them - that's what friends are for! I bet that they would love to be able to help you in a time of need and will be happy that you asked. People are basically good and giving - and I'm sure your friends are extra good and giving!

cj/

My one friend called at least 3 times today offereing to take the kids, it really was nice of her. I have to save them for when i really need it. So you are right.

allinaugust · #20 (**permalink**) 06-27-2007, 12:10 AM

Just wondering how it's going???

Also, forgot to share this with you.....a few weeks ago, I took DS to the dentist. In comes an elderly woman in a wheelchair, with her DD. The woman was 85, per her DD, so, I would guess DD was around 60??? I felt for this woman......as she sat filling out paperwork for her mom to see the dentist, the mom kept saying "let's go, let's go, let's go...." in this sweet French accent. She then unbuckled her alarm seat belt. The poor DD was trying so hard to fill out the paper work, and keep her mom occupied.....then the Mom spit on herself, and no tissues in sight. Luckily I had a pack of the Huggies CleanTeam cleansing wipes (these smell like water melon), and gave her one of those for her Mom. The dentist was taking such a LONG time, too, and the Mom was getting more and more aggitated. Then, she started saying "sh*t" , not too too loud. Then, back to the "let's go, let's go....." and her DD kept saying, "ok,Mom, we're going...." well, finally the Mom had enuf and said "Betty Jean, get off your fat @ss and let's go, let's go....." No one seemed to mind the woman, and I think we all felt for the DD, I know I did. Oh, and the kicker.....DD had to put her mom in a Nursing Home in March, and the NH lost her dentures!!!!! that's why she was at the dentist.

Hang in there!!!

flipper113 · #21 (**permalink**) 06-27-2007, 12:27 AM

Thanks for asking Ann, I haven't had much computer time lately.

He has had to be restrained, he keeps ripping out his iv's and told the nurse he was getting the police and having them arrested. They discharged him today to a nursing home and he was onyl there 2 hours and they called me twice at home already. He is combattive and wants to leave. The strokes must have really messed with his brain and I'm sure the meds don't help either.

My sister has no plans on coming down, she pretty much told me too bad, her family is more important and they need her. So I have no family support besides my MOm who relays messages to my sister because she can't talk to me, she gets too "stressed".

You know how that really irks the heck out of my responsible self.

I do have a lot of people calling and emailing about him, there's a big chain of support from Dad's friends and he has even more friends than I do(we are a lot alike in that respect).

I really need to go to bed. Thanks for the everything Ann!

lupesmadre · #22 (**permalink**) 06-27-2007, 08:21 AM

Hang in there, OP. Please take your friends up on their offers of help! You'd help them, right?

Your sister may not be there because she is just not strong enough. Then she lashes out at you over her own guilt for not being there.

You know that you're doing the right thing. Although it is very hard, you should be proud of yourself.

Cuthie · #23 (**permalink**) 06-27-2007, 08:52 AM

You and your family have been in my thoughts. You are doing what is right and not everyone is strong enough to be in your shoes.

This isn't a good comparison because I've never been in your shes... but, I remember when youngest was a baby; not sleeping, crying 24 hours a day, etc. I had to really search out reasons to enjoy that time in our lives but I was able to do so and now I can look back on that time with a little bit of melancholy -- no regrets. I honestly miss those days. I'd try to do that with your dad... look for things to be thankful for while telling yourself that this won't last forever. Every cloud has its silver lining.

Be strong and be proud. You are doing the right thing.

flipper113 · #24 (**permalink**) 06-27-2007, 09:50 PM

Boy do I have an update.........I sprung him form jail, or that's what it feels like anyway!

I went to the nursing home with one of Dad's friends and we took one look at him and decided right away he was coming home with us. He was miserable, the place was miserable and that was no place for him to spend his dying days.

We called hospice from there, they came out within 4 hours and we have a bed, commode, walker, oxygen, wheelchair and a nurse visit all within 4 hours at our house and set up. They were incredible! The nurse doesn't think he will last a month

, he's in rough shape. The guilt was overwhelming, I HAD to do this or I would never let myself forget the look on his face.

He is much happier now, much happier and he is BEAT! All of this activity has tired him right out.

Wish me luck, I am scared to death on my first night alone.

Addison · #25 (**permalink**) 06-27-2007, 09:54 PM

Your a good daughter Flipper. I am so proud of you!!! Hospice is just a phone call away. Don't be scared. You a good girl.

allinaugust · #26 (**permalink**) 06-27-2007, 10:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by flipper113

Boy do I have an update.........I sprung him form jail, or that's what it feels like anyway!

I went to the nursing home with one of Dad's friends and we took one look at him and decided right away he was coming home with us. He was miserable, the place was miserable and that was no place for him to spend his dying days.

We called hospice from there, they came out within 4 hours and we have a bed, commode, walker, oxygen, wheelchair and a nurse visit all within 4 hours at our house and set up. They were incredible! The nurse doesn't think he will last a month

, he's in rough shape. The guilt was overwhelming, I HAD to do this or I would never let myself forget the look on his face.

He is much happier now, much happier and he is BEAT! All of this activity has tired him right out.

Wish me luck, I am scared to death on my first night alone.

I'm glad you went with your heart! Someone I consider very special in my life, told me: It's a bus ride, just get on, HANG ON, and keep looking out the window!! I use that advice in so MANY asects of my life. Cherish the moments, good, bad, and inbetween!!!

mabear74 · #27 (**permalink**) 06-27-2007, 10:50 PM

My prayers are with you........I'm so glad you went with your heart!

itscc2u · #28 (**permalink**) 06-28-2007, 01:40 AM

Flipper~ I am so sorry about your father and perturbed about your sister and how she is acting. You have done the right thing springing your Dad from the nursing home and getting hospice involved you are a terrific daughter. My prayers are with you.

I just lost my Dad and my Mom is all alone almost 85 and really cant be alone she is in FL we are in VA and she wont move here and we are having some difficulties with being able to get down there so I am trying to work the system to get her into assisted living but she doesnt want to go. I didnt mean to hijack your thread, but I think I can learn from your thread.

Flipper you need to vent we are here for you !

Sandy917 · #29 (**permalink**) 06-28-2007, 08:09 AM

Hospice is amazing!!! You can call them anytime day or night no matter how trivial you think the problem is. They came in to help my Dad but sadly he died the 2nd day they were there. They even sent someone to clean the house for us. We had donations made in his memory to hospice because they were such a comfort to us even for that short period of time. I know from personal experience how difficult this time is for you. I can only say you will never regret having him home, and enjoy EVERY moment you have with him.

cjs216 · #30 (**permalink**) 07-03-2007, 07:51 AM

Flipper113 - How are things going? I'm sure I'm not alone in thinking about you and hoping that all is going as well as can be expected.
cj/

flipper113 · #31 (**permalink**) 07-04-2007, 02:47 PM

It is hard to believe how fast things have gome downhill. We just sprung him from the nursing home a week ago and he could go any time now. He has not woken up in 2 days now, I can't get him to wake up even by changing him or rolling him over. Hospice comes again tomorrow if we make it that long.

I can't sit in the room anymore, I just peek in, it's too scary. If someone else is in there with me, I'm ok, but otherwise I just check on him constantly.

We have a "parade" of his friends every day, I had them stop calling and just start showing up, it's too much to answer the phone 20 times a day. At this point it doesn't even look like him any more, he can't talk. They just come and hold his hand and we talk about the good times.

We made all of the arrangements and are just waiting for him to decide when the time is right now. My kids are doing very well with it surprisingly, I don't think they really know what is happeneing.

My thoughts are not straight, I can't remember simple things that I should know. It's so stressful but I am glad we did it.

allinaugust · #32 (**permalink**) 07-04-2007, 02:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by flipper113

It is hard to believe how fast things have gome downhill. We just sprung him from the nursing home a week ago and he could go any time now. He has not woken up in 2 days now, I can't get him to wake up even by changing him or rolling him over. Hospice comes again tomorrow if we make it that long.

I can't sit in the room anymore, I just peek in, it's too scary. If someone else is in there with me, I'm ok, but otherwise I just check on him constantly.

We have a "parade" of his friends every day, I had them stop calling and just start showing up, it's too much to answer the phone 20 times a day. At this point it doesn't even look like him any more, he can't talk. They just come and hold his hand and we talk about the good times.

We made all of the arrangements and are just waiting for him to decide when the time is right now. My kids are doing very well with it surprisingly, I don't think they really know what is happeneing.

My thoughts are not straight, I can't remember simple things that I should know. It's so stressful but I am glad we did it.

WOW! It seems like just yesterday, doesn't it? I hope your sister is there, too, but,if not, you know the deal. I just PM'd you, saw your "green light" on. Take Care.

Cuthie · #33 (**permalink**) 07-04-2007, 06:18 PM

You have been and will remain in my thoughts.

allinaugust · #34 (**permalink**) 07-04-2007, 11:56 PM

I just wanted to update everyone, and hope I'm not stepping on Flipper's toes. She PM'd me and said that shortly after she posted the update, her Dad passed away. I'm sure she'll be really busy the next few days, but, will surely post when she gets a chance.

Just wanted to let you all know.