I sent her the money to help her out as she has just gotten divorced and when I was on the phone with her, she was talking about having nothing in the refrigerator, cupboards bare, not enough for rent, etc....

I called her two weeks later and guess what she bought with the money? Jewelry.


I'm happy that she treated herself. When was the last time that I spent $100 on jewelry? Never again.

That isnt shocking. Maybe she needed something to make herself feel better. I know when I was going through my divorce my mom gave me 200.00. The first instinct was to go do something for ME!! However I did what the money was intended for and bought stuff for my kids.
I guess people feel if someone gives them money they can do what they want to!!
Julie

No, not shocking (in retrospect) but I was surprised after our conversation about all of her needs. Yes, it was a gift.

She doesn't have kids... I am a stay-at-home mom with two kids. DH earns the bucks. I can't remember the last time that I've spent $100 on myself.

Oh well.

only give money when you do not expect anything in return is my motto.

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Live, Love, Laugh

I don't think she was expecting anything except for maybe the woman to go buy herself some groceries or pay a bill, put gas in the car??

I mean come on the lady was saying how she was so broke and didn't have anything probably knowing the OP would be kind enough to send her something. She could of at least lied and said she paid a bill or something with the money to make the OP feel better about what she spent the money on. At least OP would have felt she made a difference.

Cuthie...your heart was in the right place and what a sweet friend you are

Christine

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TLJ ~ Women United in Spirit

I stopped giving cash and checks a LONG time ago.

An old neighbor of mine ( when I was a college student) had a young (4) son, and was always complaining how broke they were. Her electric was shut off every other month for several days, her child was always going to the leasing office of the complex to eat cookies and drink juice, etc.

Yet, she continued to smoke 2 packs of Newports a day.

One day, I saw the little guy crying outside. I asked him what was wrong and he said he was hungry. I asked what the last thing he ate was and he said " crackers for dinner last night" it was now NOON the next day. I asked where his mom was- sleeping.

I woke her up and told her I was taking her the grocery store. She said " That's so nice of you, but can I just have the cash instead?"

I told her no. I would be happy to take her shopping for eggs, milk, meat and bread, but that I needed to use my credit card since I had no cash. ( Lie)

She reluctantly agreed and I spent almost $125 at the store. She didn't even thank me- I am SURE glad I didn't give her cash.

But, I slept well knowing the little boy had chicken, vegetables, fruit and milk.

I do the same thing CouponConrtney.....take them to the grocery store or pay a bill........I NEVER give cash anymore!!

Yes Cuthie, your heart was in the right place, maybe hers wasn't

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Brenda

GO #24 JEFF GORDON

Wow, what a deja vu! My ex best friend is also getting a divorce and told me that her cupboards were bare and her phone and internet had been turned off a number of times. So I began sending her checks each month for 50 bucks. Not a lot, but enough for milk breadl, juice and eggs for her kids. Ummm...she never called to thank me nor has she called me in the last 60 days. I sent my last check on the first of this month. I won't send any more. Are my feelings hurt? Sure are, but I can lie on my pillow at night and know I tried to help someone in need. OP, what goes around comes around......you did what you thought was right.

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GO NAVY WRESTLING!!BEAT ARMY!!!
RJB 3/18/60 - 5/22/04
We miss you, sweet brother
God Bless the USA!!!!! Praying for my Youngster son at United States Naval Academy, class of 2014!!

http://mylifeundertheabaya.blogspot.com/

What a good friend you are, Cuthie!

Despite what seems like several different opinions here, I kinda agree with all of them.

I can see how a person might feel they could spend a gift however they wanted. (however, it if was given with an ascribed purpose, they should use it for that purpose, or return it).

I can see how she might want to do something nice for herself after a marriage gone bad. (Would be nice if she said "what do you think about me buying myself something to make me feel good?" before doing so.

I can see how a person should try to give with no strings attached (but it is oh so hard...)

No easy answer, but I guess when giving cash it's probably a good idea to mention your intent for it. Cuz it's clear that not everyone has the same priorities.

cj/

awhile back i took a neighbor to the grocery..more than once..she said her dh forgot to leave her the checkbook/cash etc and could she pay me back later..ok not a big deal,i did some couponing. tried to teach her couponing because she was always short on cash. and got her a couple bags of stuff very cheap, that i paid for. didn't know really what all was going on. found out later that her drinking problem was out of control.
after i would take her to the grocery, a few hours later she would ask another neighbor to take her to walmart.. she would RETURN some of the groceries i bought her and get cash back or a wm card. neighbor 2 said she would say oh my dh brought the wrong flavor of these cookies and take back like a double pack of cookies, a big box of cereal, etc and get either cash or a wm card. then she would use it to buy wine or beer at wm and go home from that trip w/the stuff she really wanted i guess. she didn't have the checkbook because her dh knew if he wasn't around to shop w/her, because, she would write checks at the liquor store every day! ugh i was pretty mad i was used like that. never took her again

All I can say is unbelievable. I can only hope and pray that she doesn't have kids.
When someone shows you their true colors, believe them the first time!

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I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

I can totally relate to these people who take priority in smoking over buying the kids food umm I was somewhere Friday ok I was at a bike show I had to go in a bar to use the bathroom & cigs were $7 a pack my goodness what $7 could buy KWIM especially if you smoke a pack a day. Anyone I know who smokes cigs take priority over buying the kids food & taking thier kids to the dr I think its so sad.

As for the next time she complains about not enough money for food maybe bring her a few cans of soup say u have it in your stockpile or some roman noodles I think thier um $2 maybe for a case

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mom of 3 greats girls

What I will say about this thread is that we have some mighty generous, kind, giving, empathetic people on this board!! Although there are always those who will take advantage of the situation, there are more of us here who follow their hearts and their generosity of spirit when it comes to need. I really am proud to be able to be, in some small way, a part of a community that lives their beliefs.

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"Well-Behaved Women SELDOM make history."Laurel Thatcher Ulrich


"Yesterday is but a vision, and tomorrow is only a dream. But today well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness, and every tomorrow a dream of hope." Anonymous

"Your candle does not lose it's light by lighting another candle" Generosity

Have the courage to be yourself.

Hey Cuthie! Our cupboards are bare and we're having trouble with our mortgage. Can you please send me money, I'd like some jewelry too!

Seriously, your intentions were good and I am sure you were disappointed that she did not use the money in other ways. The bright side is that next time she's strapped for cash with little food and short on rent, she'll at least look nice with her new jewelry.

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@@@
l/ l/ l/
Dont go through life,
GROW through life

Real eyes...realize...real lies.

I have learned over the years that if I have someone telling me they have specific needs like food, etc. That I go buy them the food, or pay a bill that needs paid, I do not offer cash anymore unless I have absolutely no expectations on how it is to be spent........

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"You can never really pay back. You can only pay forward."

Wayne Woodrow “Woody” Hayes

O-H-I-O

We have paid a bill or two for others, to keep lights on or the gas company away, only to learn that they had the money to pay it but then they couldn't go get some other form of entertainment if they paid the electiric company. AMAZING, oh well, it blesses you to bless others, I believe and your heart was in the right place. At least she doesn't have any kids sitting on the front porch hungry.

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Vicki


TLJ Women united in Spirit!

You both are wonderful examples of the term, "Angels in disguise".

Karma is watching and smiling on you!


~ Ambrianna ~

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Just like my granny is always telling me, at least YOU know what you did and God does too, and you will be blessed for it. Now sleep well because you can, as she may not be able to, either now or later, cause it will come back home to her!

All sayings, advice, could've, should've, & would've's aside, I commend you for your generosity, not just financially, but emotionally. That was more than sweet of you. You're a great person!

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email is moserlara@yahoo.com

I feel that at one point or another in our lives we have gone out of our way to help others and while some really appreaciate the help others aren't grateful for what you do. I am like many of you here that buy with coupons and look for all the deals and savings we can possibly get and stock up on everything while it's at a good price.
Here is what happened to me similar to some of the above one's. My (fake) friend who lives 3 blocks away from my house on a side that cross the avenue that my house is on called me complaining she can't keep up with anything at all anymore mind you she calls me all the time not to ask how things going, but to nag and complaint about everything in her life and I just try my hardest now to not answer the phone, bump into her, and even told her in a nice way how I felt about the whole situation which I will explain as briefly as possible. Three years ago she used to work at a factory as quality control person and she informed her superior that there were some boxes she needed to check, but they were too high for her to reach and needed some assistance well he told her to figure it out so whe she tried to pull out an envelope to make sure the machine was putting the stuffed paperwork the way it should be and the big box fell on her arm pinching 2 of her nerves. This is when drama began because the company didn't do nothing she went through a lawyer got 2 operations and got worst and still going to court for that case. They offer her $30,000 to settle, but she didn't want that she thinks she is going to get a million dollars or something so I don't go there with her. She has been in un-employment for 2 years now getting $180 per week which is $720 and she pay no rent she has section 8 plus her boyfriend works and bring home like $250 per week making $1000 so when you don't pay rent only light, gas, house phone, internet, car insurance and groceries you should have money left for any other things you may need. So I kind of felt bad and brought her a bunch of things probably total of $300 from toilet paper & towels, toothpaste, deodorant, food, you name it I gave it to her. She was like oh that was nice I never had someone do that so I told her well this should help until next month when you should be fine. Next month came around and guess where I bumped into her?????? FOXWOODS CASINO YES LADIES you are reading right FOXWOODS CASINO!!!! I suprised her with my husband and said wow how nice it seems things have gotten better right? and she says no I just decided to come here with only $20 to get away from it all. I was so MAD I told her you know I don't see why you are doing so bad first of all you don't pay rent which usually goes for $1,000 since she has a 3 bedroom all you pay is bills and they all don't add up to $600 in a month and the reason you always broke it seem is because you too busy coming to the casino thinking you are going to get rich here, but I need to get going because my husband and I want to have a good time. I left and went to a different room where the tables are and I know she doesn't play tables I didn't want her near me after what I saw. This lady has a 17 year old Senior and a 6 year old son which I forgot to mention and needs to get her life together before she does something dumb. After that is when I told her how I felt and she had guts to say well you saying that because you don't do nothing. You don't do what I have to do everyday. My blood rushed very HOT all over my body and I had to break it down to her. I told her honey you don't know my schedule I get up at 5:30am to get my self ready for work, then I wake up my son at 6:30 and get him all ready for school (since my husband works other hours and pick him up from daycare) by 6:50 to 7am I have to be out the house to be on time drop my son off 7;10 the latest and head for work driving 70 to 80 miles I get to work at 7;30 to begin work mind you I don't get out until 9 and many times 10:30pm to get home eat dinner at that time, prepare my son lunch and clothes for the next day as well as mine, do dishes because hubby and our son already ate since he makes dinner, if something is messy I clean it since I choose one room each day of the week to sweap and mop at that time, I finally then take a shower and be in bed by 12:30am if I am lucky enough and this is 4 days per week I have to do this Monday through Thursday since Fridays I only work regular 8 hours and she has guts to say she does more than me because she is a stay at hoe mom now and is more work honey you need a reality check I told her. I also told her you got my help a few times, but never again you are an ungrateful B!t(h that does not deserve a friend like me. Now I am extremely careful who I help.

Love-Savings : Thats horrible!!!

My brother went with his friend who was doing a payday advance ( probably not the best solution for his problem) My brother took a picture with his camera phone. The picture was of a stack of business cards telling the ppl who were doing the payday advance to come and cruise on the La Cruise Casinos here in J-ville for free! If a person has to do a payday advance do they need a "free boarding pass" on a casino cruise ship?!?!?!?

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Vicki


TLJ Women united in Spirit!

Cuthie, Your heart was in the right place. I understand the frustration of wanting to help someone and not having it turn out how you thought it would. I am currently trying to figure out a way to not feel like a stingy person and not being taken advantage of all at the same time.

Darlene

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Sell crazy some place else, we are all stocked up here.

I AGREE! Probably one of THE most horrible things I have read!

That was very, very nice of you to do that. And, since you did, and you did it because you care about her, it shouldn't really matter what she did with it...unless you would have said, "Here...this is for groceries..." or something like that. Yes, I've been there, done that, too. I got out of my marriage feeling worthless...like a nothing. I probably would have used it on a new outfit and happy meals! :-) Just be SO glad you were able to help her out...maybe someday she'll be able to do the same.

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If you're not living on the edge, you're wasting space.

Cuthie, you are a sweet heart! I also learned to never give money if your real intent to to make sure they money goes to buy something specific (like food or bills). We help people out when we can but we won't give money. I have given gift certificates to a small grocery that doesn't sell beer or cigs (more pricey but I can ensure they money isn't blown) and given groceries directly. The next time your "friend" calls moaning about no money for bills, give her the address of a place to hawk her new jewelry.

What's so sad is that many people try to help others with the *understanding* that the money be used to help them for food, shelter, etc. Then people buy beer, cigs, drugs, porn, jewelry, un-neccessary items while their kids starve So sad

I have once offered to buy a man with a "will work for food" sign a meal. Nope....he wanted cash. I said "I'll buy you a hot meal at the diner right here...". NO It's such a con sometimes. I still will offer people food and when they smile with gratitude...it's worth it!

Keep up the good work Cuthie....it will come back to you times 10!

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Proud to say I haven't shopped at a Wal-Mart since Sept 2003

In my younger years, I used to drive into downtown Detroit for college...through some VERY rough neighborhoods...there was always at least one homeless guy on the corner of Rosa Parks Blvd and Fort Street, at a stop light.

At first they would wash your windows on your car if you were stopped at the light long enough and then EXPECT to be compensated monetarily for it!

The one dude learned early on, that the only compensation I would give was cookies or whatever I happened to have on me...to the point where, on one occasion there were 2 homeless guys, and this "new" one decided to come wash my windows...when I heard the "old" guy yell "don't bother, she only pays in food"

LOL...thankfully they have cleaned up the homeless guys a little bit in Detroit since then.

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SPJRNTGADL!

You guys are so nice! Thank you all! I also understand the many points of view. I came from a childhood of poverty and now, my family is financially secure. I've also been in a terrible relationship (in my youth) and am now in a loving and supporting one. I've been around the block a few times, unfortunately.

Some more information... She lives in PA and I am in AZ. We've been friends since 4th grade and are now in our 40's. Grocery shopping was not an option. This has been going on for longer than I care to admit but this time, it really hit home for me.

To clarify, I really did not want to tell her how to spend the money. I'm honestly not angry at all about how she chose to spend the money (it really helps that my DH was not upset)... I was just very surprised. I really felt that in our conversation she was asking for money?! I think that by the time it reached her in the mail, she had forgotten about our conversation and as mdrpooh said, she probably did need something to make her feel better because of the failed marriage and a lot of other reasons...

I'm not upset. I expect nothing. I was just surprised.

Thanks again for all of the kind words and great stories that you have shared. It does my heart good to know that so many of you are so generous. Maybe we can change the world yet!

Cuthie,
I can understand exactly how you feel. You gave it in good faith to help her. It is too bad that she didn't use it wisely. I suppose that is why she is in this financial shape.

I have been there and done that! I gave a newly divorced person who (was flat broke) money and she bought lots of flowers for her yard with it. Yes, flowers are nice but she and her son needed food!

Another time a relative complained about bills and no food in the house. Said they hadn't been able to buy any thing for weeks. Said his work was slow and had no grocery money.
DH and I felt so bad and we went to their house that evening to give them some money.

In their driveway sat a brand new beautiful convertible that they bought that afternoon!
Of course we changed our mind about the gift of money!!

I guess I just live and learn!

the "budumpst" about your friend (and others with portable nice things) is when they are broke and complaining, tell them they can pawn the items they purchased with the funds that you readily provided.

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SPJRNTGADL!