you guys have been my source of great and amazing advice before so lets see if you can help me once again.
Just a little background for those of you who dont know the situation: I just had a baby 3 wks ago. The father denied that the child was his from the start but now that paternity has been established he wants visitation. Ive offered to let him come see the child but not to take the child with him. He says not good enough and has threatened me with court and going for custody. He doesnt (IMO) have a leg to stand on. He didnt think the child was his, he alleged others as being the babys father, he has threatened me verbally several times and I never once tried to keep the baby from him. I offered to let him come to the dr appts, ultrasounds, to go to parenting classes with him and he made no effort.
SO- I am now going to not let him see the child until there is a custody order. My question is am I being too harsh? Do I have grounds to do this? What sort of visitation will he most likely get?

I would let him come over but I would not let him leave with the baby. If you feel he might be a problem then have a friend with you when he comes over. He can call the cops if he wants, they will not let him take the baby. And if you are breastfeeding he will be unlikely to have any rights to take the baby out of your home until the baby is weaned.

Good luck, this is not an easy situation but you have to go about it strong for the sake of your child.

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TLJ ~ Women United in Spirit

This does suck. If you do not let him see the baby now you are giving him a leg to stand on. I agree with BeachRatz, let him see the baby but have a friend there with you. The friend could also be a witness if/when you go to court. Good luck. We will be praying for you.

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TLJ ~ Where opinions are encouraged, not deleted

You laugh at me because I am different,
I laugh at you because you are all the same.

Your mind is like a parachute, it only works when it is open.

Don't let him intimidate you with him claiming to go for custody. In most (if not all) states you'd have to be a pretty bad parent for him to even get any kind of custody. Now that paternity has been established is he paying any child support? He doesn't have to have a court order for him to do this. If he isn't it will not sit well with any court.

Don't try to keep him from the child -- but without a visitaion order he can't take the child anywhere. I would have another person there with you when he does come for a prearranged visit. If you do make a prearraged visit and he doesn't show up document this. Write down everything. When and if he sees the child, if he gives you money, if he gives you diapers, etc. It will make you look good to the courts if you admit to what he does do for the child.

You do need to get a support order now that paternity has been established.

Good luck

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Living well IS the best revenge!!

Best thing for you to do now that you have established paternity is throw it right back at him. You need to go to court and establish child support and visitation. The court will not care if he denied the child up until the time the test proved he was the father, they only care what he has done since then. It is best to have everything in writing, that way if he breaks a court order concerning visitation, you have something tangible to work with.

What are the reasons you don't want him to take the child? Is he abusive or neglectful? If he is you have to be able to prove it, so you don't come of looking like a bitter person or vindictive person to a judge. It is best if he sees the child, so the child will get to know him. If he is paying support and doing the court ordered visitation then you will not be able to control the situation. If he does not want to do things with you and the baby, which is his right...you are going to have to step back and let him form his own relationship seperate from you.

Keeping him from the child is only hurting the child...in the long run he will get visitation, it may take months, but he will (unless you can prove that he is unfit) and then you will be scaring the crap out of your child sending him off with a stranger. It is best to realize early what is best for the child and put your own feelings of hurt aside.

It sounds like he wants to be a part of the child's life, but not on your terms. I know this post may sound harsh but my DH had a child in high school and his son's mom played control games badly and my sister-in-law is doing the same to my brother and the ones who get hurt worst is the kids.

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#3 Gone To Race In A Better Place...

Just to warn you on the custody through court thing...I kicked my ex out because my 3 year old told me he was touching her -- plus I found out he had been convicted of molesting a girl he was babysitting when he was a teen and he admitted to molesting an raping his adopted sister who is 4 years younger throughout his teens (started when he was 11 or 12 and went on for years and years).

WELL, he hasn't visited w/ our 2 young daughters for the past two years, hasn't even tried contacting us about it -- questioned whether the younger one was even his (no doubt there) - filed a motion for a paternity test but never went through with it, and even filed a motion through our ongoing divorce that he wanted to give up all paternity rights in return from being released from paying child support (the court wouldn't allow this even though I said "ok")...all this to say NOW he's pursing partial custody. He's put in a motion to have the kids every other weekend Fri-Sun plus every other holiday and birthday plus a few weeks every summer. Believe it or not, he has not been automatically turned down due to his history. There's been a guardien ad litem appointed that I'm waiting to hear from and we'll have to go to court over it after they've made their report.

So, don't just assume that because he wasn't around to start with that a court would deny him custody. I thought there was no chance in the world of my ex even getting supervised visitation and it's been a shock to have to fight to protect my kids from the possibility of being alone with him. You're better off setting up a plan of visitation on your own and putting that in along with the child support order rather than just letting the court start from scratch.

(and on the above: police told me that my three year old was too young to testify against him, so he got away with that AND by the time his sister came out about the abuse, it was past the statue of limitations for our state so all she could do now is sue him - she did go to my lawyer and made a sworn statement that is in the hands of the court now to help me out.)

I'm am really sorry to hear you are going through this....I find it very scary that the courts are even considering giving him any kind of visitation rights that would allow him to be alone with the children......I will be praying for you and your family.

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"You can never really pay back. You can only pay forward."

Wayne Woodrow “Woody” Hayes

O-H-I-O

When my ex-husband left me w/a 6 month old, my lawyer told me that I should let him see her even before the court ruled because if I didn't, it would make me look bad. He also said, that he didn't HAVE to bring her back to me, that he could keep her until the court ruled who had primary physical custody. I so hated that. He filed for custody of her, which my lawyer told me what "normal." He didn't get her and eventually ended up signing over his parental rights for my hubby to adopt her.

My ex used to get my daughter every Wed from 4-8. After she turned a year old, he got her every Wed, and every Saturday afternoon until Sunday evening. Eventually he got her Friday night until Sunday when she was a little older. He was also awarded 2 one week periods in the summer, when HE wanted , that he never used (thank God!).

I would start documenting when he calls to see her, when he sees her, etc now. You may need that somewhere down the road. I'm sorry to say, you probably won't be able to keep him from her. Do you have a lawyer? If not, I'd try and get one ASAP to help you.

Good luck. I hope everything works out for you.

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Amy
Mom to Lauren, Eryn, Naysa
and announcing......
Gavin Michael Chase, 9 lbs 10 ozs
and 21 3/4 inches long on 10/13/09!

I'm appalled (sp) that you even have to deal with this. I can't believe a man who was convicted of molesting a little girl even has a chance of getting unsupervised visitation of your girls. I can't believe our court systems ALLOW scum like that to see their kids. Most sex offenders do not get rehabilitated in prison and go on to re-offend.

I am SO sorry that your little girl went thru what she did and that you are dealing with this. It's absurd and makes my blood boil.

I hope everything works out for you and your girls and that they don't have to be around him.

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Amy
Mom to Lauren, Eryn, Naysa
and announcing......
Gavin Michael Chase, 9 lbs 10 ozs
and 21 3/4 inches long on 10/13/09!

Thanks for the support you guys...it's been a very tough couple years.

A big tip for all of you out there -- run a background check before you (or your child) gets married! (I was too young and stupid to consider this, 17 when I got engaged and married at 18 - a school friend had introduced us) Had I done this, I would have seen the original felony before I was legally bound / began a life and family with him. (he didn't even do any jail time for the offense - just community service picking up roadside trash)

He's out on myspace now looking for a girlfriend, and he moved to a different county within the state where he doesn't even show up on the sex offender website because his classification is only based on that original felony (which they termed low risk). He works in an insurance agency as a customer service rep w/ people going in there, bringing kids sometimes, to meet w/ him and only his boss knows of his issues - she has helped him conceal it even from his coworkers. They did send him to counselling, but he has told me in recent years (before asking for visitation) that it didn't do anything for him and he just told them what they wanted to hear.

So, just a plea for everybody out there to play safe so you don't end up in a situation like this!

I would start preparing to hide my children and go to jail for contempt----JUST IN CASE!! You always should have a back-up plan. And the ultimate goal is to keep your children away from this freak at ANY OR ALL COST, NO MATTER HOW, NO MATTER WHAT!! I would think in this day an age that there were laws regarding molesters and child visitations. But, I must admit I am ignorant on the laws in this situation. But as mothers we all should be willing to do anything we can to protect our children even if it means sitting in jail for a million years while our children are being safely raised and protected by others.
There ARE angels out there for you you just have to look! PLEASE BE CAREFUL THOUGH! BE STRONG for your children! YOU CAN GET THROUGH THIS! Just start making plans, just in case. There's help out there for you in these situations!!

leeleegirl- Other than the fact that you are mad at your ex for not wanting to say he is the father without the DNA testing, why shouldn't he get to vist with his baby? I think you have been given good advice. GIVE him the baby with a smile and an extra set of clothes.---most men will run home to their mothers to get some help. You have to learn to deal with him and whomever is his helper--mom, girlfriend, or whoever. You will be shooting yourself in the foot if you try to stand in his way. The courts are wanting to see both parents equally involved. If you want a happy life for you and your child, kill him with kindness and maybe you both will learn to work together.

If he doesn't follow through with his obligations over time, then the courts will see you as the cooperative parent. If you nitpick everything he does, then you are signing up for a miserable life for you and your child. If you chase him off, then remember that your child will always think that it is his/her fault that his /her father went away. IMHO

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Lyn Clarke

LeeLeeGirl,

Just to clear up a few previous posts. Lawfully, as of this very minute, he has EVERY right to that child that you do. If you allow him to remove her from your presence, NOTHING is stopping him from keeping her. He could, theoretically keep her until a court rules on custody.

Do I agree with this? No. But, if paternity has been established, he has the same rights you do as the mother. Your best hope is that he is plain ignorant on this. Invite him over, satisfy him.

He could do the same thing you are doing to him right now- Take the baby to his house and refuse to let you see him.

Do you really want your son to be a pawn?

Go to court- TODAY. File a motion for emergency hearing with the family court. They will assign a guardian at litem for your son, someone who is not emotionally charged like you and your ex. THEY will determine the best situation for your son.

As hard as I know it is, you MUST think of your son, and his welfare. The fact that his father denied him for nine months just makes him a clod, not a bad father.

I have stood and watched my clients hand over 3 week old babies, and watch their hearts break. I also had a client who disappeared with her two kids after a court ruled on joint custody. She was gone for over a YEAR- in hiding. A bounty hunter hired by the father finally traced her. She was arrested on kidnapping charges. 18 months later, she lost ALL rights. She was brought in front of a very old, rude judge who had no compassion for her. She now has s criminal record, and no rights to her own children.

PLEASE, take heed to the poster who suggested you run. I know it sounds like good advice and is tempting, but it is THE worst thing you can do.

Let the family courts do their thing. Unless the ex is unfit, he SHOULD be in the baby's life. Your personal opinion on his character or moral compass is not a consideration.

I'm sorry I wasn't really referring to the OP's situation(sorry for the highjack) I was refering to the person who has children with a child molester that is trying to get visitation/custody.


OP--I think you should let the Dad see his child. I wouldn't let him take the baby out of the house though

Oh ok! Well, in that case, as a mother, I would tell her to run too! As an attorney, I would tell her to file for protective orders for her and her children immediately.