My Dad's Dad died this morning of a major heart attack.......I was not close to my Grandpa at all, not to sound cruel, but they pretty much disowned my mom and I because we were Catholic.....

But........Over the past 4 years my Grandpa developed Alzheimer's. It had gotten extremely severe over the past year, and My Dad had been fighting with the other 8 children and his Mom to get his Dad into a home, where he would be cared for properly. Grandma wasn't feeding him, and wasn't given him his medications including heart meds on any sort of schedule. He weighed 113lbs and was 6'1". Dad finally went against his family and had him checked in the hospital last night, and was in the process of getting emergency guardianship. Now he's feeling it's fault that Grandpa had a heart attack and died, and most of his brothers and sisters are starting to blame him too.....Good grief, it's only been about 2 hours since he died.

Now I'm really feeling bad for my Dad, who is trying to make arrangments for his Dad, They are in Ohio, I'm in Texas. I want to be there with him, but things get a little more complicated because of my Mom. They were scheduled to come here next Wednesday for a visit. Well Mom is refusing to change the tickets and told Dad she won't be going to the funeral. I mentioned coming there, and was told I'd better not since she'd be coming here. I feel her place is with Dad, he's going to need all the support he can get especially since everyone is blaming him, and he's starting to blame himself too. My mom isn't helping either because she has been on Dad's case to get guardianship for the last year, and now is telling him I told you so......

I don't know what to do, I feel like I need to be there for my Dad, but I can't just up and leave, trying to pack up 6 kids doesn't happen just like that, and it's a 2 day drive each way. We can't afford to fly, seats for 7 is way out of our price range with back to school coming up......I'm feeling really helpless, and my Dad's family and Mom are making me quite angry right now.......

Sorry so long, just needed to vent a little......

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"You can never really pay back. You can only pay forward."

Wayne Woodrow “Woody” Hayes

O-H-I-O

I think that if you want to go you need to have your Mom change her plans. Or just have her babysit the kids? My only suggestion is don't do something that you may regret. I think it is so unfair of everyone pulling you in different directions. You need to sit down and not answer your phone and decide what is best for your children and you.

If it were me I would make your Mom change her plans and go see your Dad. She is more than welcome to meet you in Ohio.

I really feel for you but it is all up to you. Unfortunetly your family is not helping you in the least. I am so sorry that you have been put in this position at such a sad time. Good luck with whatever you decide.

My Mom and Dad are still together and his with him....I'm just feeling they have been married for 33 years, I think a wife should be with her husband when his Dad dies, because no matter the feeling between the rest of his family she should be there for him.......I just don't get it.

__________________
"You can never really pay back. You can only pay forward."

Wayne Woodrow “Woody” Hayes

O-H-I-O

I don't have any "words of wisdom" but just wanted to extend my condolences to you and your family. I hope everything works out for you.
Patti

I also extend my condolences. (((HUGS)))

This is a time family should pull together. I am certain your dad is hurting and stressing. He needs your mom, his wife to be by his side for physical and emotional support. Can you talk to her and express how important this is? If she can't or won't go, could you do as Addison suggested and ask her to watch the kids while you go?

He'll need someone there in his corner, especially since some other member's of the family is ganging up on him.

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Dont go through life,
GROW through life

Real eyes...realize...real lies.

I also extend my condolences and I'm sorry that you're in such a terrible position. I hope your mother changes her mind about going to the funeral. Your father needs her support and I agree with you that his wife of 33 years should be by his side. Maybe if you tell her that it would be kind to just put her personal feeling aside and support her husband of 33 years in his time of grief, she'll see that there's nothing to be gained by recriminations. There's something to be lost, though.

If it's not possible for you to be there yourself, a phone call can make a world of difference. Sometimes, just saying I love you can help. Maybe you could call your father and let him know that you wish you could support him in person but that you'll be supporting him in spirit until you see him next week?

i'm so sorry that you're going through this. Can someone else stay with your kids so that you can go alone?

Your dad sounds incredibly tough to not only go against all his siblings to try to do right by his father, but to be dealing with a wife who doesn't want to help.

If at all possible, I'd try to swap with your mother. Let her babysit, and use that as a reason to avoid the funeral. Fly out alone if you can, and take care of your dad. I think he really needs you right now.

My sympathies on your situation. I'm sure it's very hard. I think you should do what you feel you need to do. I can completely understand your mother's point of view, too. After all, why should she go to the funeral of a man who treated her like garbage? I think as much as it would be good for your mother to understand your father's POV, he needs to see hers as well. He should know as well as anyone how his father treated your mother -- his wife!

Perhaps the best solution is for your mother to come and care for your kids while you go and be with your dad.

Your situation reminds me a bit of when my own grandfather died. He'd been cold and uncaring to my family since my father -- his son -- had died six years earlier. So when he died, I wasn't inclined to go to the funeral two states away, especially since I had a two month old baby. My mother told me I should go since I might regret not going, but I wouldn't regret going. She was wrong. Once his will was read and it was crystal clear that he didn't give a rip about my branch of the family (partially to do with the distribution of the money, but even more to do with the way he designated his executors), well, I've regretted going to that funeral ever since.

So you do what you feel is right and let your mother do what she thinks is right. They don't have to be the same thing.