How do you do this?

I have never actually had the chance to say good-bye to anyone before. I don't necessarily think I need to even say those words - my relative will know that anyone visiting at this point is there to 'say' it.

I don't want to fall apart when I see them, I know that's not what this relative would want - really she wants no tears, and as a dying wish, I do want to respect that if I can.

Have any of you ever done this? It is to the point where this relative is getting hospice care, and the end is said to be only days away. So I won't be saying "Get well soon" types of things.

I know I'm asking a lot here, but you guys always have insight/experience, and I can really use the perspectives this morning.

Yes, my family did just this last February. Our dear friend and neighbor, dad to my DS's dearest buddies, was dying of metastisized colon cancer. He battled three long years after being dx'd in a late stage of the disease, outlasting all prognosis and expectations to hang on to as much time with his family as he could. In his last days, he finally accepted the idea of the inevitable. He decided to visit all of the people he wanted to say goodbye to.
My DS was very frightened by the idea and concept of the visit. He made himself scarce when the doorbell rang. My DD, who is the babysitter for this family, was supposed to help us greet him, say her goodbyes and leave so DH and I could speak privately to Dennis. However, she later told me that it didn't feel right to her to walk away so she stayed with us during the visit. We chit chatted as I was trying to signal DD to leave us . Finally Dennis, who was exhausted, got up to leave. I went to him, took his hand and told him something like this- The best thing anyone can do for their children and for their family is to set an example, and you have done just that. I told him all the things he had done, large and small, that I admired and how he had made a powerful and positive impact on many people, and our whole community. I told him that I hoped to always be a part of his children's lives and that we would all keep his spirit in our lives. I cried a bit, and babbled a bit, but it was a truly profound experience that will never leave me. He gave me an incredible hug that I feel moved to pass back to his kids every time I see them.
Then I called DS, because Dennis was very fond of him, and I knew our goodbye was not complete. My DS came barreling into the room, with his head down because Dennis was very jaundiced and that frightened him. He nearly took him down and just held on to him and sobbed I'll miss you. Dennis told him to watch out for his two boys, and my DS, 12, nodded his head that he would.
Two days later he passed away. I will always be grateful for that goodbye.
So my advice is go, speak from the heart, bring up specific details or incidents that show you aprreciated the person. I don't know that I could do this without tears, however. Good luck.

I got the chance to do this with my father, he was diagnosed with terminal cancer. He was a very quiet person and we didn't express alot verbally. He was just that way. I chose to write him a letter a few days before hand and that way when I had to say goodbye we got to just be together at the end.All the way up until his last breath. Good luck, it will come to you naturally.
Andrea

I was with my grandpa when he died. It was sudden so we had no real warning. I told him that I loved him, thanked him for the joy he brought me, wished him God Speed and asked him to kiss my grandma for me.

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Laura
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I kind of did this with my great uncle. They said he only had days left (he lasted a few weeks) although we weren't close I felt drawn to go to the nursing home and see him. He had dementia so he didn't know me, but when I mentioned my Grandpa (his brother) he always smiled. So I held his hand, said my Grandpa's name over and over. Then I kissed him and left. I always felt good about going, although it was kind of a strange experience.

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I've never lied to you. I've always told you some version the of truth.

I got the chance to do this with my best friend, he was diagnosed with terminal cancer. It has been 5 years and it is still to painful for me to talk about. His DW, my DH and I were with him when he passed away.

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Brenda

GO #24 JEFF GORDON

Yes. We couldn't be with dmil at the end but she knew her time was short and she called us to say goodbye. It was very strange at first but then we were just honest about what was going on and said our "I love you"s, and "goodbye"s, etc.

It was a little different with my dad when he died last month. He was unresponsive by the time we got there but I believe he could hear us and knew we were there with him. I told him I loved him-- that's all I could say - it was just way too difficult for me to say much more than than. My only advice is to just speak honestly and from the heart.

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Cecilia

"We must love them both--those whose opinions we share and those whose opinions we reject. For both have labored in the search for truth, and both have helped us in the finding of it."
Saint Thomas Aquinas

Yes. We couldn't be with dmil at the end but she knew her time was short and she called us to say goodbye. It was very strange at first but then we were just honest about what was going on and said our "I love you"s, and "goodbye"s, etc.

It was a little different with my dad when he died last month. He was unresponsive by the time we got there but I believe he could hear us and knew we were there with him. I told him I loved him-- that's all I could say - it was just way too difficult for me to say much more than than. My only advice is to just speak honestly and from the heart.

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Cecilia

"We must love them both--those whose opinions we share and those whose opinions we reject. For both have labored in the search for truth, and both have helped us in the finding of it."
Saint Thomas Aquinas

Thank you, everyone. This has helped me. You've all said things that I'm taking with me, and I'm actually glad to have the chance to do this.


Cecilia, I'm sorry about your dad. I'll pray for him and your family.

D

yes I have and it's the hardest thing to do

First time was with my grandma. I was 5 months preggo with kid#1 and she SO wanted to be there for the birth. She was so sick. I told her she didn't have to suffer just to see the baby, we all loved her and didn't want to see her in so much pain. I told her she was the bravest and strongest person I knew and she should let go...

she died 2 days later

Second time was my grandpa. I was with him when he died. I held his hand in the hospital and told him how much he meant to me and my kids.

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My mom died of breast cancer 13 years ago and I did get to say my goobyes to her, even though she was in a coma. I do believe she heard me. My dad died suddenly of a heart attack and I did not get to say goodbye to him. I wish I had. I always felt I missed out on that. If you have the chance, do it!

I wish I could have told my brother goodbye, at least I think. I would more likely wish I could have told him I loved him and he was a great big brother to have. The last time my brother was at home with us was a week before he was killed. For some reason that morning before I went to school and I had to go into the bedroom to get something and I seen him sleeping there and I remember just kind of stopping and looking at him then I went out of the room and I was getting ready to walk out the door to go to school and I thought I should just see if mom will let me stay home since Tim is here, then I though no, she won't let me and then just walked out the door. To this day I wish I would have attempted to get my mom to let me stay at home at least I could have told him bye when he left that day. I didn't know the next time I seen him he would still have his eyes closed. He died the next weekend and was killed instantly in a car accident.

Sorry didn't mean to go off topic but this is always something I wish I could have done. I mean in no way would I want him to have laid there and suffer in pain either so I don't know I guess everything was suppose to happen this way.

Thank you devinmom. You will also be in my prayers.

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Cecilia

"We must love them both--those whose opinions we share and those whose opinions we reject. For both have labored in the search for truth, and both have helped us in the finding of it."
Saint Thomas Aquinas

I lost a very good friend to AIDS several years ago. I helped take care of him in his last year which was filled with surgeries to treat ailments caused by the meds he took and then a slow partial recovery from this surgery. I was lucky that I spent many many hours sitting with him and we had lots of time to talk about good times, bad times, past, present, future. He knew full well that his time was limited but we still talked of him travelling again, holidays, etc. And he was excited and wanted to talk about the baby I was carrying, my husband, my family (they all loved him), his family, etc. We also talked about how it would be when he was gone...those who would miss him, we joked about those who would not, he worried about whether I would be okay because we were so close. And each and every time I left his house I told him I loved him. I chose not to say good-bye, I chose to tell him that I loved him so that if he passed in the middle of the night those would be the last words he heard from me. I had been gone from his house for a few hours when he died, some of his other friends were there with him but he literally got out of his bed and fell dead. I regretted not being there but I know that that was his plan, he did not want me there.

So talk, really listen and always tell those you love that you love them....I like to think that it takes away the regret of not being able to say good-bye.

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TLJ ~ Women United in Spirit

Trent and I cherish the opportunity we got to say goodbye to Fletcher. The doctors brought his heart back after 30 minutes of him being down, and he was with us for two more days. We know that Fletcher didn't die alone, and we got to tell him how much we loved him and how proud we were of him. The nurse's in the pediatric ICU told us that hearing is the last sense to go. So, even if whoever is unresponsive.. they can still hear you. Trent and I truly believe this because when we were telling Fletcher how much we loved him.. big tears started rolling out of his eyes. He was completely brain dead at this point, and we feel like it was a sign that Fletcher could hear us from wherever he was.

Tami...that is wonderful that you got your chance to tell him one last time that he was loved. I am sure that it made his final journey easier to know that he was not alone. And kidos to the doctors who did this for you and made it possible to donate Fletcher's organs.

Still thinking about you and hoping that you are doing well, as well as can be expected for now.

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TLJ ~ Women United in Spirit

When my Dad stayed with us for his last week, we knew the end was close (not as close as it ended up being) and a lot of his friends would come to see him, we called them all his "parade". They all came to pay their last respects and even some old conflicts got straightened out before he passed away. I know it meant a lot for him to have everyone come and see him.

I never actually said "good bye", but more like "I'll see you later Dad" and I will. It's just as hard to say and it made my cry typing it, but I really believe we'll see each other again and that death is not the end.

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"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked." ~ Bernard Meltzer

Oh my goodness this thread brought back so many memories. I tried to reply early I just couldn't do it. I have said goodbye to a loved one who was dying and it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

My grandmother, more like a mother, had breast cancer. She couldn't handle the chemo at her age so she made the decision to stop it. I lived in North Carolina when we found out. Her wish was I move back home, "where I should be" with family. Needless to say we moved back.

She was under hospice care. Great great people!! Her cancer had spread pretty much throughout her entire body. I spent ever day with her. She was very weak. She would want to sit up so I would lay sideways behind and kinda curl around her so she would have the support she need to sit up. I remember having such great conversations with her while laying there. Some telling each other what we meant to the other, even a few family secrets came out. (You know the stuff that know one tells, like someone isn't someone else's kid or whatever.) Lot's of laughs. Lots of tears. I told her it was ok to go that we would all be fine. We said lots of I love yous.

She wanted her family all together when she passed. We were all there most of the time the last few days. When the time had came we all knew it. We were singing her family songs. When we started singing Amazing Grace her breathing slowed way down even further. She had completely stopped breathing before the end of the song. As she passed I was holding her hand.

She died 3 weeks after we were back. I truely think she was hanging on til I got back home. As she went drastically down hill within a week of me moving home.

I remember coming home and getting into the bathtub and just sobbing, yelling and praying. Praying to God not to let her suffer like she was. I was so torn because I wanted her here with us but I didn't want her to be in the pain she was in. There is still not a day that goes by that she doesn't cross my mind.

Boy have I rambled, I guess this has just been fresh on my mind. The anniversary of her passing was just the end of last month. Just please tell your loved ones what they mean to you. It is so important.

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Yes I have.. when I was 9 years old, my mom and I visited my Grandma in the nursing home. It was quite apparent she wasnt going to make it but she was aware. That was such a sad day for me. I am so thankful that I had that moment in time to say goodbye. As my Mom and I were leaving, my Aunt and cousin came in to say Goodbye as well.. So when we arrived home my Aunt called and said that my Grandma has passed away shortly after we left. We all were so heartbroken even though we knew it was going to happen.

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Paula
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OK- I was a Hospice nurse for 12 years. My only piece of advice is SAY SOMETHING!! Except for the rare few who refuse to acknowledge his/her own nearing death, the rest want to think that you love them and will miss them.

Think about if you had your birthday party and everyone showed up and talked about current events and "Jonny"'s new tooth, "Sally's" prom dress, and the bad weather outside. Wouldn't you feel a little neglected? Wouldn't you want someone to say Happy Birthday and give you a present? Well, for the dying, the gift is memories.

You can always start with "I remember" when ....you made those awful blueberry muffins, you used to watch me play softball, you braided my hair in the morning, you pulled out splinters, you were so gentle with your children, you always had time to talk... It is not the big stuff- it is the little stuff. Those who have lived with a sense of humor will keep it to the very end.

If you piss anyone off by talking to the person who is dying, it is invariably someone who does not want to believe the person is dying. Who are you going to worry about- the person who is dying and you will never get a another chance to talk to or the person who will be sitting in the funeral home bawling and saying, "I didn't think it would happen"?

And, lastly- everyone is afraid to cry! Why? I am not suggesting deep, gasping sobs with moaning but tears and a few sniffles are just a sign of your sincerity. IMHO

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Lyn Clarke