Okay, this is the deal.... My DH and I have been together for 4 years - married almost 1 year. He has a son (we'll call him Jason) who will be 18 in December and I have a son who will be 9 in October. His son is making me CRAZY!!!!! Maybe I'm overreacting, which is why I'm posting and asking for advice. I really need to see what you all think, but I'll need to give some background. My DH had his son when he was 18 and his son's mom was 16. They got married, but divorced in two years. Jason has been allowed to bounce between his mom, my DH, and my DH's mom for his entire life based on his whim (when he doesn't get his way at one home, he'll move on to the next).

When DH and I began dating, Jason lived with his mom and would spend standard visitation with us. About a year and a half ago, he called absolutely freaking out around 9:00 at night and stated that his mom had kicked him out. Obviously, I was appalled and was 100% behind him coming to live with us. Well, come to find out (about 6 weeks later when DH finally got up the nerve to tell me what he found out) Jason lied. His mom told him he couldn't go out with his friends because he was in trouble. So, he used us. Well, you'd think he'd get in major trouble with us, right? WRONG! DH did nothing. This kid has been pandered to his entire life. He stayed with us for about 4 months until he got angry with DH over making him get up for summer school (almost got kicked out the third day). So, he went back to his mom's. I had a conversation with DH at that time and told him I didn't agree with his coming back and forth. DH agreed with me at the time, which seems to be forgotten now as he is apparently living with us again.

He left his mom's about 4 months ago and was supposed to be moving in with DH's mom, but apparently he doesn't like her rules, so he stays at our house now. The things that drive me crazy? Nobody holds him accountable and I don't feel like I'm allowed to. He eats and leaves his trash all over the place (for me to pick up), he has no chores (I clean up and pick up after him - even to the point of picking up his dirty boxers and socks off the floor in the guest bathroom which he uses to shower), he won't load his dirty dishes in the dishwasher - just leaves them sitting on the cabinet for me to deal with.... Then, one more thing.... I've repeatedly asked him not to drink out of the containers in the refrigerator (milk, juice, etc.). I think that's gross. Other people drink out of those and he needs to get a glass. Last night he had a friend over and they were standing in the kitchen. He had burped a few times and I had said, "Jason, please say excuse me, that's rude". He had ignored me, of course. Then, he opened up the refrigerator and got out the coffee creamer and drank right out of the container (they were talking about what it might taste like). I was so upset. I said, "Jason, I've asked you so many times not to do that! That's unsanitary! Now I have to throw that away" He said, " No you don't. I didn't really even touch it." He did. I turned around and he burped right in my ear. He and his friend started laughing and went in his room. I finally went and told DH and DH went into Jason's room and said "Do you not have any manners?" Jason said "She's being a baby". DH said "No, she's not. That's gross." Jason and his friend left and that was the end of it. DH said he was sorry.

One more thing - last weekend, DH and I went out of town and Jason was supposed to be staying at DH's mom's house. Well, I asked a neighbor to watch our house. I got a call on Sunday night that he was there. I called DH's mom and she said that Jason has said that he was staying the night at a friend's house. Instead he was at our house with friends. DH was mad at me! He doesn't want me to break his mom's heart by showing what a bad kid Jason is. His mom dotes on Jason. The sun rises and sets on him as far as she is concerned. Now, get this - DH spoke to Jason and allowed him to STAY AT OUR HOUSE WITH HIS FRIENDS! He told him no drinking and they were just to play games. Well, when we got home, there was a wine glass sitting on the counter and wine stains on the counter (this was not a wine glass I use and I wipe up my mess!) He is so unconcerned, he didn't even bother to hide it!

DH knows how Jason is and I think he just tries to ignore it. I think he's just thinking "one more year".... That's what I'm trying to think, too. The problem is that I'm not sure I can make it one more year. Am I overreacting? What do you think?

He's 18....Sounds like a little creep to me. It is your house too. Since DH is not putting down his foot, you will have to. I would tell him to shape up, or that he has to get a job and start paying YOU rent.

OT i just love that through your terrible story you are having to deal with Amazon pimpin' their merchandise!

Back on topic

It sounds like he has a rough deal of cards between (sorry) your husband and his mom. You have a real opportunity to make a great role model for him, one that he clearly needs. He is going to need some adjustment time and that could be a while, not only is he dealing with never having a stable home he was thrown out of his house by his mom. He needs stable, FAST!

You and your Dh are going to have to be the adults in his life and he probably needs Rules! Sounds like someone needs to teach him what being a man is all about. At 18 he should be able to support himself.
Good Luck OP, maybe some counseling is in order as well

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Vicki


TLJ Women united in Spirit!

Well, I may get flammed here, but I think that you married into this mess, so you either have to go by what your dh says and does with his son, or get out because it isn't going to change!

Kathie

I don't know if this would work for you, but it's something I read a long time ago. Parents of a teenager were having some of the same problems you are encountering. Their child would leave garbate, plates, clothes, etc. all over the house.

The mother would wait until the teenager left the house, then got a huge garbage bag and quietly picked up everything and threw it ALL into the bag. She'd put the bag in a place where the child wouldn't see or find it. When it was full, she dumped the entire contents into the teenager's car and let the entire thing bake in the hot sun. Needless to say, message received loud and clear.

Hope your DH will side with you and get him straightened out. He sounds like a handful!

THAT IS GREAT!!!!!

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Vicki


TLJ Women united in Spirit!

Sounds like a spoiled brat to me. You need to either leave or enforce rules IN YOUR HOUSE!!!

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It really seems like your bigger problem is your husband and why he tolerates this behavior.

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The problem is it's not her teenager. You met your DH was Jason was 14, correct? He is never going to see you as his parent/guardian. You need to make your husband do this!! It's not your place, I have been married to my DH for over 10 yrs and he has a son from a previous marriage, who was 2 when we started dating. I have never punished him, I have always left that up to DH, now do I give DH my advice on what should be done, OH YEAH, but DH still has to be the one that does it. It's hard enough to get acceptance from a stepchild, let alone punishing him. Your post should read more like, what can I do to make DH step up to the plate and deal with my stepson, so I don't have to be the Wicked Stepmother!

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He's 18, he's an adult.. show him the door. You're marriage is not going to survive unless your husband shows some tough love. you also need to think of your very impressionable 9 yr old.

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"Never loan your car to someone you have given birth too"

This boy will be 18 in December. Sounds to me like he's never had any rules and at almost 18, it's almost too late. And it sounds like your husband is actually afraid of him. If your husband loves you and cares that you're upset all the time, he'll knock some sense into his son (one way or the other). This boy is treating you like a slave and is being very disrepectful to you. I've seen the type. I raised two boys and they learned from the very beginning to treat me with respect. They were never allowed to even raise their voice at me or they would face the consequences. This boy needs consequences. You need to talk to your husband and tell him to face his son head-on. And just because this boy is not your son, he's your stepson. And as long as he's in your house, eating your food I think you have the right to enforce some rules of your own. Stop picking up after him, stop washing his clothes, stop cleaning his room. If he leaves clothes on the floor or dishes on the sink, stop him right where he is and make him pick it up. Teach him to use the washing machine. Just because he's not your son doesn't mean he should be allowed to walk all over you.

I do agree that your DH has to make the changes and not waver once they are made, but you are also an authority figure sine you live there. It IS your house and you are an adult and you can NOT allow him to treat you as disrespectfully as he has been! I don't care if he's your son or not, or some kid down the street, you don't treat someone like he has been and get away with it. Yes he's had a crappy childhood and things have been rough, but someone needs to get him straightened out and not allow him to run things anymore.

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"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked." ~ Bernard Meltzer

Like other posters have said if your husband does not follow through with the rules it will not work. You are so mean that you want this adult to clean up after himself, and not drink our of the container. LOL If your husband can't even enforce these two simple things then you are in big trouble. Maybe you and your husband can see a counselor so you can both be on the same page about his son. Then he may see that for your marriage to work he needs to step up and do something about his son. It won't be easy for him, but he has to do it. And if you husband thinks that his son can be at your home with his friends alone and no drinking will be going on then he is just fooling himself.

One thing I would not do is correct him about something like burping in front of his friends. Parents are embarrassing to teens and doing that will make him give you a snippy remark (or a burp in the ear) just so he saves face in front of his friends. I would pick my battles and figure a burp is not that bad.

Good luck,

Ok I TOTALLY disagree with this. You mean to tell me she is going to have to leave her marriage rather then TRY to find a solution for this boy's behavior? Why should she leave? This kid is going into adulthood and is acting worse then a 12 yr old. It may not ever change with this kid but remember he will have to move out on his own one of these days.

Her DH needs a wake up call before he finds himself bailing this kid out of jail and gets into bigger problems.

OP Keep talking to your hubby make him understand what the future is going to hold for this kid of his if he doesn't put his foot down. It is time for mommy and daddy to stop compensating the guilt they feel for being young and dumb. They are adults now and need to realize it and to what is right for thier son.

What I'm not understanding is why its the OPs job to tell her hubby what he should be doing with his son? He hasn't been doing it up to this point I doubt he is going to start now. All she can do is be the adult and role model of how a responsible adult acts and maybe somewhere in his head it will click.

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Vicki


TLJ Women united in Spirit!

Oh this a little off here but this so reminds me of someone I know that told her stepson to make his bed and brush his teeth and the kid threw a fit and she got in trouble by the ex wife and the boys dad!!

They don't make this kid do anything and he is an arrogant little punk. He comes by my house acting obnoxious and I let the brat know about it. My friend gave up.

I appreciate all the responses. Mostly I feel validated, to be honest - like I'm not overreacting. I do feel like DH should step up. But, quite frankly, I feel like DH feels like it's too late. He didn't do a good job for the first 17 1/2 years and it's a little late to start teaching his son the right way to behave now. He knows he's disrespectful, dishonest, rude, lazy, etc. He doesn't want to deal with it. And Polve is right - it's very hard, if not impossible, to come into a relationship with a teenager and try to enforce discipline. Jason had so much turnover in his life, it took him over a year to be sure I'd still be around. That doesn't give him the excuse to treat me this way now, though.

These are the changes I'll make: I will stop washing his clothes (I'm sure he's going to wonder what happened to the clothes fairy) and will leave his dishes on the counter until he comes back and ask him to load them in the dishwasher. I also told him this morning that anything left in the family room or in the front of the house for more than a day will be thrown in the trash. I will follow through with that. Any trash that he leaves on the counters will be thrown onto his bed in his room (unless he's home and I can ask him to come back and throw it away). I'm so tired of this.

I make sure there is VERY limited contact between my DS and Jason. My DS knows that just because Jason gets away with things doesn't mean they are acceptable or appropriate (or okay for him). He knows that there are different rules and consequences for each child. It doesn't make it fair, but he accepts that. I had to have a talk with my DS when Jason came to live with us the first time because he would curse and talk ugly about his mother and other people (which is completely unacceptable to me). My DS understands. It's sad because Jason didn't really seem this bad when he was younger. He seems to be getting more vulgar and inappropriate the older he gets. I just don't understand it.

Thanks again for all the responses and the understanding. It really helps just to get it out and be able to talk about it. I really appreciate all your help.

I may get flamed for this, but the OP knew this was going on before she married. The DH isn't going to change that easily. She needs to put her foot down with her DH. (OP is living in an abusive situation.) If he's not going to do what needs to be done, then the she should insist on counseling. If DH doesn't go, then she needs to go alone. She may have to leave him even if she loves him. She has a 9 yr old to think about.
She will not be able to correct stepson. She doesn't have her DH'S support for that. If she tries to correct the stepson he may get violent, then what?
Remember one thing, just because he turns 18 it doesn't mean he will be gone for good. DH has proven he will take his son in anyways. Op has to make a stand with her DH.

Good luck Newfun4me. You are going to need it. I will put you and your whole family in my prayers. Turn to God for find the strength to get through this. I really do hope you can save your marriage.

Judy

If the OP were just entering into a relationship and DID NOT know what the dynamics were like btwn the father/son/ex-wife then I might could understand your position Happy2behere....

BUT--this is going on several years now, and it hasn't gotten any better, if anything it would appear that the situation is only getting worse.

OP's DH should step up and be the adult here and practice some tough love on his juvenile deliquent son. But, since he's not, the OP needs to DECIDE just how much she will tolerate, just how much she will allow her son to be exposed to and whether her relationship w/ her DH will be able to survive this situation....
I just had this EXACT conversation w/ a very dear friend last night. As I told her--you knew going in to this relationship that he had baggage, yet you chose to enter into the relationship. Now you have a limited number of choices--stay and make it work, get out now, wait until after the baby is born and see what happens (yes, my friend got pregnant).

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

Good for you girl!! I don't believe that its ever to late to turn over a new leaf. We don't have enough MEN in this world and your DH can still turn this around......it will have to be mostly him with you supporting him though. Think of it this way, if dr.phil can change ppl's thought process with a little counseling I believe that a fathers real love and concern can change his life! Good luck, and feel free to vent away that is why we are here!!

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Vicki


TLJ Women united in Spirit!

Yeah, I see your point but I guess I am just thinking it is ridiculous to let the teenager get his way and run her out of the house and marriage.

Hmmm of course if DH is just giving up and not even trying to do anything about any of it then why should she try?? I don't know this is something I have to think about more. It is hard to say what one would do in a situation until one has lived it. I guess I am just having a hard time seeing let a teenage punk run everyone.

I just don't understand where all the discipline and rules have gone now days and why ANY parent would just let things slide on by like that. I guess I just see so many disrespectful teenage/college kids and treat thier parents like crap now days. The way some kids talk to thier parents just drives me crazy. There are some serious attitude adjustments needed.

That would never fly with my parents.

Ok I am done now ..........lol for a little while

OH, I agree w/ you on why should the teenage brat run the household! And I fully think that the father should step up to the plate and DISCIPLINE his child--but, since it wasn't done early on in life, it will be extremely difficult to do now. While I fully believe that the 18 y/o son is doing these things out of spite, maliciously, and on purpose--the father is allowing it and not standing up for the woman he swore to love, honor and protect. SHE deserves better than that. She deserves to be happy. She deserves to live in her home without having to deal with the butthead teenager. And if she's going to be married/in a relationship--she deserves a man (or woman ) who will support, encourage and not only care for her, but care about her. Sometimes love IS NOT ENOUGH!

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

darn girl get off the soap box...LMAO



HAHA!!

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Vicki


TLJ Women united in Spirit!

I have to admit I feel the same. They are a family, although seperated and dysfunctional and OP entered into it relatively recently. I'm glad you feel better about the situation, though, and have a plan of action. If you are able to help your step son, that will be great. At least you will know you tried. As far as it being DHs problem and we all know what actions he should be taking, that is not something over which you have any control. The stepson will always be part of your life if you remain married, no matter how old he is. I wish you a lot of luck, and let us know how it goes.

Ok I'm off, I'm off!!!!

I would sit DH down, have a looong discussion about the situation. DH needs to know that if he doesn't do something about his son now, this kid is going to be one more little punk entering into the real world, not able to hold down a job (or even willing to go and get one even), into trouble with the law all the time, eventually drugs, etc. Next, you both need to confront stepson about the 'new rules of your home', and give him a timeframe to shape up, or ship out. Literally. If he thinks it's all fun and games and you aren't serious, at the end of the 'time frame', I would change the locks, have all of his stuff sitting in boxes outside the door. Let him go back to his mom or grandma. I would not be tolerating his crap in my own home. My house, my rules. Better yet, let him go live with some of his great buddies. I bet that wouldn't last long. He's 18, not 12. He knows how to behave, he just knows that he runs the show. Take his car away/don't let him drive yours. Don't pay his insurance, stop buying him clothes, giving him money to run around, no cell phone, etc. Teenagers live for these things. After he sits at home a few weekends, he'll get to rethinking his actions. He'll get the picture pretty darn quick if he senses you're serious as a heart attack.

If your DH can't see that this kid is disrespecting you in YOUR home, and he is unwilling to do anything about it, I think you need to be rethinking your situation with your DH. Seriously. Your DH needs to understand that his job as a parent isn't to be buddies with his son, first and foremost his job is to groom this child into a responsible adult/man that will someday help to be responsible for and help to support his own family. You can't control what stepson's mom or grandma do/which rules they inforce or let him get away with in their home, but you can certainly send the message that he will follow your rules or get out. You sound like you are the only adult in this kid's life that is actually a voice of reason, all the others have failed in their jobs as parents (and as a stepmom, I understand that you are seriously limited in how much authority you actually have over this kid--especially when your DH won't back you up). All that said, I really feel for you and I do agree with the other posters that it's probably a situation that has gone on too long for you to actually change this kid. I would not allow him to live under my roof if there are not major changes, however. Your DH is looking at it like 'only one more year to deal with him', but really, this kid is hopefully going to be a part of your lives forever, might as well enforce some boundaries and rules now (at least try) as opposed to constantly bailing him out of sticky situations when he's an adult.

By the way, I'm speaking from experience; my DH's little sister was a similar case starting when she was about 15 (parents were not divorced though--she just jumped back and forth between their house and 'friends') and now she's in her 30s and they still get her out of every bad situation she gets herself into. It's really a sad situation and very draining on the entire family.

Good luck with trying to straighten your step son out. Sounds to me like this child is out of control. By bouncing around from house to house just because he doesn't like the rules at the time he learns he doesn't have to have rules. It is really too late at this point but for the rest of the time he is living at "home" I think that there needs to be a united front. Get the facts not his story of why he wants to move in before you say yes. The first time when he was lying saying his mom kicked him out, a call should of been made to mom to find out the real story. Kids of divorced parents learn extremely young to play thier parents against each other. My dd learned it by time she was 3 yrs old. And she was a master at it. It took me years to realize this sweet little angel was playing me. And she is 19 now and her father still hasn't realized she does it. He would rather just trash me along with her when she is mad at me. But dd always knew that living with her dad was not an option (long story) But that never stoped her from threatening it to me.
Your in a tough postion being the step parent. Hopefully your marriage is strong enough to get through it. Good luck again.

I just kinda scanned this post, but I have a question :

If you pitch what is important to him that is left around the house, are YOU going to pay for it?

It may just be opening a whole new can of worms and resentment from him. Like if you thew away a cd, or something of that nature. Is he just going to backlash even more on you?

And, is your DH just going to replace what you toss? Like the cd example - if you throw it away, do you think your DH will just buy a new one to attempt to "keep the peace"?

That is what I would be worried about. You could end up spending a lot of money (by you I mean you and your DH) replacing things just to attempt to keep the peace.

It sounds like this child is very spoiled and needs discipline. But at this age, it would be tough to discipline. Is family counseling an option? That way all of you could get together and basically have a mediator to help? Would a list help him? Just 10 items written or typed up and hung up where he could see them, with things such as : pick up clothes, put dishes in the dishwasher, etc. Just so he can have it where he can see it so there are no excuses as to why he is not doing things?

We use a list for our son - a morning routine list - so there is no excuses. Of course, he is 10 years old. But it does help.

Good luck!

I'm sorry but the son isn't your biggest problem. It's your DH. Until/unless he takes a stand and puts his foot down, nothing will change. If he won't handle the problem with his grown son, you can either put up with it or take a stand yourself. It sounds like 'Jason' leaves whenever the rules don't suit him so make some new rules. When he leaves, refuse to allow him to move in again.

Well, as always, mycouponers have made me stop and think. I've gotten so much out of this board over the years. I wanted to say again that I really appreciate each and every response - even the ones that made me kind of cringe a little bit Thanks so much for being so helpful and responsive.

1boymom - I don't know the answer to your question, to be honest. I hope that my DH will back me up and I think he will, but we'll find out. I feel like he will because he is fed up with all the crap laying around here, too.

That's what was supposed to have happened last time, but somehow he's back here again. DH's mom actually came back and talked to me and said that he was moving out of his mom's and moving back in with HER, but now he's staying here every night and has been for some time. This wasn't supposed to have happened this time! He's very slippery.

Sorry, but I agree with Kathie. You did marry into this mess. I'm sure you knew the way he was when you married his father. The kid is behaving like a brat yes, but he has probably been shipped back and forth in between his mother and father all his life and is looking for attention. I think he needs counseling with his mother and father

I went through this same type of situation when I was married over 10 years ago....Ex's son was 10 when we were married and about 16 when we divorced--he also bounced from moms to dads to Gmas houses. Through the years we went through exactly the same behaviors....just plain gross behavior and disrespect. Along with the manners issues and the teasing of siblings, this kid was 5' 10" and close to 200 pounds and would refuse to shower while at our house! Just sit around stinkin up the place! Just to be a jerk, I think! I would buy him deoderant, toothbrush, etc for "our house" which he would take back to his moms and then "forget" when he came to our house! EEEEWWWW!

Now he is about 24 and I just heard he moved back in with Ex again! And to top it off, is expecting a baby with a GF. I would get this handled before you have a 30 year old living in your basement!

Seriously, when I moved in with BF we made 'house rules'. We all sat down and outlined expectations of living in this house....chores, manners, priveleges, etc. It has been working well now for 4 year with 2 teenage dd's. If my girls complain that BF said something to them, I just say "well, what is the house rule about pop by the computer?" Oh, yeah, No food or drinks by the computer. That way they are not pitting one of us against the other, we are a unified front.

Kids realize there are different rules for different places. School, daycare, church, library, etc. This just seemed to make sense to them.

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I think you have given it a good shot and I would sit the dh down and tell him his choice is to make the kid either clean up after himself and act like a dad should or you would be moving out. give him a date and if it aint happened in that time, move out. there is no way I would stay in such a suitation where the kid runs the whole place and i bet the kid is loving this. sounds like he reallly WANTS to cause problems from you and your dh is allowing it. I would have been gone long time ago and let daddy deal with his spoiled brat

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