My son is 16 1/2; his first serious girlfriend was at age 15 and lasted about 6 mos. I could not stand her. When she would get in our car she wouldn't even acknowledge my presence! After several months of this, my son and I actually got into quite a shouting match about her behavior toward me and the whole thing really strained our relationship for a time. Only after they broke up did he finally see what I had been trying to tell him all that time.

He then went to a school dance with a girl he met at church, and they just went out casually a couple times and that was that.

Now he is out tonight with a girl that I saw for the first time at a football game last night. She is a dead ringer for girlfriend #1; black eyeliner, straight brown hair hanging in her face, wears tight clothes. My son is Mr. All American - 6'4, blue eyed blonde, clean cut, band drum major, Eagle Scout, etc. I don't understand why he picks these - and I hate to say this - but they look like whores. When I saw her at the football game last night, she was with two of my sons friends, both of whom stopped to talk to me and this girl completely ignored me - which is what girl #1 did to me.

Anyway - like I said, we got into some major arguments over girl #1. I don't want a repeat of that. On the other hand my son seems so clueless as to girls that I feel like I need to tell him what I see and think about them. So how do I tell him what I think without causing a rift between us? I don't mean just the girl that he is out with tonight, because in all honesty I don't know her at all. He can drive himself now so I won't have that much contact with her. But just in general - what do you do if you don't like your son's girlfriend? Keep your mouth shut, or tell him what you think?

Two things:

I personally wouldn't bother arguing with him. You know how teens are, the more parents dislike something, the more they like it. Chances are this one won't be around 6 months from now so just sit back and wait.

OTOH, if you can't stand it, I'd say something directly to the girl, not son. Ignoring someone in their own vehicle or home is flat out rude and I probably wouldn't be able to stand it and would say something.

what does telling him what you see and think about the girls accomplish?
has it ever occurred to you that those girls were intimidated by you?
Do you make the girls talk to you? By that I mean--do you draw them into the conversation? Do you show interest in the girls themselves? Do you make the first step in creating a relationship with the girls

I don't know the answers to these questions--only you do.

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I personally wouldnt say anything, maybe the girl was just shy and didnt know what to say, or didnt want to be rude and interupt. Next time that you see her say something to her first and if she doesnt respond thab pass judgment but not before. As for how she (they) dress, I think thats how all teenagers dress, I know that I did, and I wore dark eyeliner (still do) but I wasnt and still am not a whore by any means.

I would just be as nice as you possibly can towards here-invite her for dinner, etc. Perhaps he is doing it to annoy you, and once he realizes that they may not be the best choices for HIM, his attitude might change. Give them a chance. Except for the fact that my son is 17, sounds like our kids could be twins-separated at birth-oh, and mine is not the drum major either, but he has been marching for the last five years. Hang in there mom.....

I've always engaged in small talk initially with the girls. I've gone out of my way, especially with the one when I knew it was her birthday and bought her a GC to American Eagle. She was extremely shy, so I just tried to open up our communication a little.

Yes, there's been 1 I couldn't stand. But, for my son, I tried.

I have one the same age. Just bite your tongue. Believe me I have. If he thinks I like them he won't keep them around long.

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Say nothing to your son. Have you ever thought why all your son's girlfriends don't talk to you? Maybe you're doing something that you don't realize you're doing and they're sensing it. You should start the conversations with the girlfriend, be friendly, actually talk to her. If you start off with this attitude with every girlfriend, disliking her hair, her clothes, her makeup -- you're sending that message silently whether you realize it or not, to the girl. Maybe you're putting your son up too high. If you are, then no girl will ever be good enough for your son and you don't want to be that kind of mom, do you?

I agree do what you can to act like you like her & see how long it lasts

On an another note I cant believe how rude alot of these kids are these days my dd is about 13 of course I think she has great manners (maybe she dont when I am not around I can only hope she does though) but wow some of these other kids not all of them but some of them WOW they can be very rude & not friendly at all when I was a kid you always said hi mr & mrs whatever or if they said call me mom or cathy or whatever then you may have done that boy do times change. I mean I can go to say the cookie place in the mall & the kids working thier look no older than 16 wont say can I help you or hi or anything it annoys me to death

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By the way your post sounds, she may be intimadated by you. I would try and be nice to her, for your son

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Sometimes your gut reaction and first instinct is just correct and you have to let it run it's course. I remember my oldest DD's first serious boyfriend, she was 15, he was 17 (just turned 17) I had a problem with the age difference, because he looked like he was 25 (yes I made him show me an ID to prove his age, LOL). First time I met him (back in the 80's) he came to the door and I look up, he's 6'4" and a dead ringer for Axl Rose the lead singer of Guns & Roses, black leather pants, black t-shirt, chains connected to his wallet, black boots and long hair hanging down over his face. He never talked much, but he was baaaaad news the whole time she was with him, it was one bad thing after another, until they finally broke up. So sometimes when you get a feeling it is just that, a feeling and it ends up being right.

OK, so I read this, and I am sorry to say but the first thing that came to mind is S-E-X. I hope he is educated on the subject and is being safe if sexually active. I'm sorry to bring it up, but if you can't see what they'd have in common, maybe it's something that you can't see....

cj/

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I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. -Emo Phillips

It sounds like you've already judged her based upon her looks, perhaps she senses this and has put a wall up. Teenagers are going to try and push the limits, it's all a part of growing up. I say just let him be and let it go, if he senses you don't like her it may push him closer to her.

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For the sake of your son be nice to her. Try and engage her in conversation. Always say hello to her, be polite to her. My high school sweetheart's mom hated me. And she made it very clear, every time I saw that I wasn't liked. Didn't even try and hide it. I was always nice to her and polite but she was awful to me. We dated for 2.5 yrs, when the evil mom finally won the battle and I broke up with her son.

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Okay, it sounds like you have certain exectations of the type of girl your son dates. That's understandable. I certainly would not want to be around someone that was rude and did not acknowledge my presence. But it's possible that your son is exploring, or has certain tastes in the types of girls he likes and finds he wants to date. Sometimes we are attracted to certain people - some that others are baffled by. You can't impose your preferences on him, else you run the risk of having him turn away from you.

My inkling is your picked the new girl because she reminds him of the old girlfriend AND he told the new girl about his old relationship and you and the reasons you did not like the other girl. And that is why she may have reacted to you the way she did.

You saw what happened before; how your dislike strained the relationship with your son. You don't want a repeat so my advice is to bite your tongue and appear friendly. Keep the lines of communication open so that if he has a problem or concern he can vent them to you.

I know, easier to say, harder to actually do.
I feel your pain.

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No girl/woman will ever be good enuf for a Mom's son. No one will be as good as his Mom, right??? That's what I've heard that Mom's think. Myself.....luckily, haven't gotten there yet. DS has lots of female friends, no real "girl friends", and I am A OK with that.

I have no advice, as I haven't been there yet. I may be back here soon reading the replies for myself, tho.

Good Luck.

P.S. One thing I have learned about people in general: try not to judge a book by it's cover....much easier said than done. Get to really know someone on the inside before forming a concrete opinion of them.

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Doing the right thing isn't always the same as doing the easy thing.

We haven't gotten to the boyfriend/girlfriend thing yet.......

but from personal experience when I was a teenager, when my parents, especially my dad didn't like my boyfriend, tended to keep them around longer. I woud be careful about making it an issue. The girl could have been nervous. I was always very shy, and I'm sure that could have been taken for rude. You mentioned the two boys came and talked to you at the football game, but not the girl, The boys probably felt comfortable doing so since they already knew you, and she probably stayed back because she didn't JMO

Try engaging her in a conversation......Manners don't seem to be taught to all children these days so it could also be a case of she just didn't know any better??

Good Luck......not sure I'm ready for when the oldest 4 are all Teens at the same time.....

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"You can never really pay back. You can only pay forward."

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O-H-I-O

I have to agree with that. When I was in high school, I was one of the girls all dressed in black, listened to heavy metal, had a shaved head, but I was also an honor roll student who was in lots of clubs and activities, defeniatly not a trouble maker.

I would kill them with kindness, give them a really nice "hi, how are you" when they get in the car. Ask how their day was? Give them an opprotunity to talk to you, but you need to lead the way. Maybe he is upset about girlfriend #1 and went out and found her twin, to make him feel wanted and to prove that he could.


I will try to remember this when my DS brings home a girl. I know how hard it is for the girl, so I hope I will do everything to make her feel welcome around us, even if it isn't someone I would choose. I will try to remember that I raised him with certain values and he is testing those to see if that's really what he wants or not and hopefully at the end of the testing he realizes that mom was right.

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"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked." ~ Bernard Meltzer

I'm not saying this to be hateful, you may be totally 100% right on about this girl. I normally go with my 'gut' on these things too and am rarely wrong. However, I have a MIL that also feels like all of her kids are 'it' and none of the people they have chosen to marry fit the bill (I know your son is only dating--but really this is 'training' for marriage isn't it?). My DH's two sisters have been married and divorced numerous times. Some of the people they chose for spouses were not all "that" truthfully, and some of them actually were. One of those marriages is ending in divorce now due to MIL's influence/meddling/hate of the son-in-law (it's a huge part of it anyway I know for a fact--I've witnessed it and have talked to both parties about it too). After all, it's truly your son's choice (within reason and certain boundaries of course at this age) who he dates; you certainly will not have control over the person he chooses to marry. Hopefully your son will choose the person that makes him feel wonderful and treats him the right way. The one that makes him the happiest. That's really all that matters isn't it? He is the one that has to live with his decision in the long run. I'm not saying you are doing anything wrong at all in the relationships with his girlfriends by the way.

Thankfully my marriage has lasted 14 solid years, but my MIL has done her best to upset it through the years and there have been numerous issues due to that. You don't want to end up being a MIL like that I know, and you know that that will certainly be a relationship killer (for you and your son). I have 2 degrees, graduated top of my class, I am a great mom, we have built a good life together, etc. I got it years ago though--no one is ever going to be 'good enough' for MIL's kids. Period. Think of it this way, that girl's parents probably feel the same way about who she dates. She is probably their pride and joy too. A good rule is to treat your kids' friends like you would want their family to treat your children (I know that is so hard sometimes as I agree with others, kids are soooo rude these days! Maybe you could be a positive influence for your son's girlfriend(s)?) Take a trip to the mall or something and ask your son's girlfriend if she'd like to come along (your son being there of course). I bet it will open up the communication line. Put yourself in 'her' element, instead of a family meal, etc. , that makes her feel like all of the focus is on her.

I know your son isn't anywhere near the marriage part yet (but you never really know these days what will happen--a child might enter into the picture with one of these girls and then you are all tied forever together). Think back to when you were a teen. It's a time for experimentation with ones looks, make-up, etc. Kids that age haven't really 'found' themselves in the looks dept. yet especially, so I wouldn't put much emphasis on that I guess. It may be a phase, maybe it's just how she was taught to put make-up on. I am betting also that she is probably shy around you. I remember being so nervous around my boyfriend's moms that it could literally make me ill at times. You just know the mom is judging you. Maybe she is being rude though, my 11 year old daughter has some rather rude friends like that too. I just use it as a conversation starter with her regarding what type of behavior we expect from her when she is with other families, how it comes across, etc. I know I too would be mortified if my daughter behaved like some of the teens do now. Hope that helps.

Thank you for all your responses and ideas. I appreciate each and every one.

I haven't completely read through all of the comments, but I agree with the few that said maybe she is just too shy around you at the moment. Especially since the night before was the first time you saw her. A lot of the girls in school try to dress the same to fit in, so perhaps this is the case. I would give her a little more time and see how she does.

It sounds like his first girlfriend was not a winner though. Good luck !!

the more you voice your opinion of not liking her, the longer he will want to keep her around. just deal with it till she is out of the picture. its not like they are getting married tomorrow. if so, THEN it would be a problem.

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Black eyeliner, straight hair, and tight clothes doesn't make her a whore....It just makes her a teenager. And from what I see walkihg through the mall and on MTV, it sounds like she is wearing the standard issue uniform these days. And the fact that she stays clear of you only makes her an insecure teenager and might be intimidated by her new boyfriend's mother. I beg the question to why you didn't walk up to her and say hello rather than waiting for her to come to you? Maybe you make her nervous. Remember what it was like to be a 15 year old girl?

I don't think you should keep your mouth shut. Not at all. But, I think you should spend some time with her before you make a judgement on if she is someone you like or dislike. You can set the expectation with your son that you would like him to spend time with people (girlfriends and friends) that are respectful to his parents and/or siblings, and part of being respectful is spending some time so you can learn a little about each other. If she turns out to be rude, or doesn't respond at all....you have every right to lay it on the line with your son. While he's under 18, you still have some say in who he spends his time with....and hopefully, he will respect your opinion if he sees that you are making an effort to try and respect his decisions of making a new friend/girlfriend.

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I'm the kind of woman when my feet hit the floor in each morning, the devil says "Oh crap, she's up."

I think basing what you think of someone, especially a teen, is jumping the gun.. teens especially try to fit in and maybe she and your son like her style.
Maybe she excited him with interesting conversation on art or some other shared intrest.

Let it go, be cautious if she gets disrespectful towards you or him though~ Then I would intervene! GL!

When you say that both girlfriends completely ignored you, do you mean that they didn't approach you to speak to you or that they ignored you when you spoke to them?

The girl probably senses that you have resentment towards her. Maybe you make her feel insecure. For all you know your son could have told her about how you felt about the last girlfriend and maybe he has told her that you never like anyone he dates, you don't know both sides here. This girlfriend won't last long.

Just stay out of it. You are going to push him closer to her if you make an issue out of it. I never talked to parents a whole lot when I first started dating. I would say hi and if they wanted to talk I would talk.