My DH and I have not lived near my family in 9 years. We chose to move out of state (NJ) because the cost of living is too high for us, and unfortunately in the past 9 years we have moved/lived in 4 states, although we were living in one state for 7 of those years. Anyway, when we lived in Florida (where we lived for 7 years) very few relatives came to visit. My family is very old fashioned and live by the belief -you live where you are born'. They also reminded me that "I was the one who moved, not them, so I should go and visit them." In the 7 years I lived in Florida, we went back to NJ 8 or 9 times to visit. When I got married in 2001, I invited 150 people, a total of 27 people came - and only 8 of my relatives from NJ. NONE of my husband's family came. We moved to AZ (we move a lot for DH's job) in 2005, and my mom came to visit, and as soon as I picked her up, she said "I don't care for AZ much, all I saw was dirt when the plane was landing." Anyway she stayed a week, spending most of it inside the apartment because it was too hot for her. When we moved to Idaho, she said she wouldn't come to visit because I 'live in Idaho' and there is nothing there to see. (uh, your grandkids are here mom!!) I now live in Kansas, and she has the same complaint!! She also does not like to fly long distances, so she she says she doesn't think she will come here to visit. DH makes good money, but he has two children from his previous marriage, so take home pay barely gets us by. We are not able to afford visits home very often, I don't want to write off my family, but ALL of them in NJ are much more well off then us, and I don't know how to handle my mom and her stance on this!! The rest of my family, I have pretty much written off, but this is my mom!! I have offered to buy her plane ticket to come visit, but she always says no. I can't tell you how upsetting it is when I hear/read about someone having their wedding somewhere exotic, and how everyone went to their wedding, and my own brother didn't even come to mine!! Sorry I am ranting about this, but I feel like I am the only one who has a family like this. Is it really that strange to move a lot?

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No, it's not odd to move around a lot, many families do it for all sorts of reasons.

My advice to you is this......you know your Mom doesn't want to travel, so IF it is important for you to see her, then you have to accept the fact that you will have to be the one traveling. Hard pill to swallow, I'm sure, but, rather than get yourself all worked up over it, accept it for what it is.

I mean this in the nicest possible way, too. I've watched too many people deal with their families and their in-laws over silly things (not saying this is silly) and you just have to get to a point where you realize "this is what it is" and march on.

Good Luck.

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Doing the right thing isn't always the same as doing the easy thing.

We are both from Kansas. DH parents live where they grew up and so do my parents. We spent 3 1/2 years in Dallas. My mom came to see me 3 times, my dad came once. The 1st was on her way to my sister's surgery in Austin (stayed a couple hours - enough to have lunch and go to the bathroom). 2nd was when my 2nd daughter was born (stayed 2 days, I think). 3rd my dad came with her but they were at our house less than 24 hours. DH parents told us when they heard we were moving "I'm not visiting that hot hell hole.". But they did. My dds birthdays are in March & September - DH parents came down for each birthday, but complained each time - the drive was too long, the flight was crowded, etc. But they came.

My sister has lived in Austin for 15 years and I think my parents have probably visisted her maybe 5 times.

Funny thing is, we moved back 8 1/2 years ago, but my parents still don't come to my kids activities. DH parents are great about it, but mine aren't...we live only 20 minutes away...so even if you lived there, it may not matter.

I think it's partly that they have no desire to leave home - for good or for a trip. They've been there for 65+ years and they aren't going anywhere. IDK...I quit trying to figure them out.

Lisa


Lisa

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Being a military family we have always stationed away from home, I can count on one hand how many times our families have came to see us, one hand for two families and DH has been in the Army for 24 years and we have been married over 10. Does it bother me, sometimes....but I look at it completely different then you. When we go to Texas we get to see 50+ relatives, instead of only seeing a couple here and there. Plus our family always throws a large get together when we come to visit, which makes going home so much fun. Its not that our family doesn't love or care about us, they just aren't the traveling kind of people.....they have lived in the same place ALL of there life.....the live in Texas and even vacation there (its almost sad).

I know you would love you Mom to make the trip, but it doesn't sound like its in the cards for her. So with that information you have to make another plan where not only you but your children have a relationship with you mother. Which means visiting her. Good luck

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We're in the same boat as you. Our family has moved three times to three different states in a timespan of 9 1/2 years. All the moves came about because of dh job. This last time, we really didn't want to move, but it was that option or a layoff. I do get down at times because I think the kids are missing out on quality extended family time. We love going to our home, which is Nebraska, but the kids really love it. They all have fond memories of all our travels there for the holidays. Sometimes when I get down about it, I think that it might be completely different if we did live there, and we even might get caught up in family bickering and drama. So, I try to put everything into perspective. Over the years, my inlaws have been very good about visiting (at least once a year, some years twice). My own mother didn't like to travel much, so she came once or twice during that time. She is now deceased, and I have wished many times that we never left because I had such little time with her, but nobody knows when that time comes.

Try not to fret over this. Call and email often, and do go back home once a year, minimum. Do encourage visits though.

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We have lived out of state for 20 years. In that time my ML visited every yr until she died. My BL 3 times and SL 3 times. My Mom visited about 5 times and my brother and sister each twice. We went back at least 2 times every year. On my sisters last visit she remarked "do you know how long a drive that is?" duh So you are not alone but that doesn't make it any easier. Families are wierd.

I agree with the other poster that said that even is you lived pretty close, they still may not visit often. I am 3 hours away from all of my side of the family. My sister comes a few times a year, my parents normally do not even come once a year on average. If my mom comes, my dad stays home and takes care of the farm. My brother helped us move into this house 3 years ago and he has not been back up since (my sister in law or brother in law have not been here at all). They all live in the same area we grew up, on or around the family farm, etc. I am the one that moved off to the big city, ha ha. It does get old and you do feel many times like just writing them all off, I totally understand that. They all expect us to go down there. It does get old.

I would love to move back home too, and it is a major problem in our marriage/my mental health as my parents are getting old and are now in bad health (my DH is not from the area I grew up in and he doesn't really care where we live--he grew up in a military family so they lived everywhere literally). I feel also that my kids have missed out on knowing their grandparents and cousins basically. With 4 kids, we really don't have time though to go 'home' more than a few times a year ourselves. Seems like we are always busy or my DH is working. I totally understand your issues with living away or moving 'home', we have actually talked about moving out of state as we never really see any family anyway.

We are in the same boat as far as the guilt trip goes. DH's mom asks every time he talks to her to move back to NY. We've been in GA for 11 years now. I do not want nor can I afford to move back to NY.

They also do not understand why we don't visit. Well, we now live on one salary and we are 3 people! We can't head up north by car without stopping 4 different places to visit. And to top it off we can't even stay with my in-laws when we get there!

I feel for ya!

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I had to chime in...
I have my IL who live 2 miles away...yep 2 miles.we haven't seen them in almost 1 year.I decided that I was tired to go overthere.they drive by our house every single day but never stop by.they never came to any of the kids play,school stuff,sports.they are too busy.my kids never spent the night at their place.

my family lives in france,and my mom is coming next month ,and she will be staying 3 mo.she doesn;t speak english,she has to take 3 different airplanes.and will have a 10 hour layover in atlanta.but she wants to spend time with her grandchildren.

what makes me mad,is that in 1995 we had the opportunities to go to live in france next to my family.but my MIL pitched a fit that she will never see her grand daughter.we moved closer to them(from CT to AL),and now she doesn;t have time...she just wanted some of her stuff that she had left in CT....

even if you live close by some family ,it doesn;t mean that they will have time for you...

hang in there

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We moved about 6 hours from our parents many years ago.
My mother (father deceased) would come every time we could go and get her (usually twice a year) as she didn't drive. My bro lived an hour away and we saw her more than he did!
MIL came a couple of times when her other DS was home and would drive her, maybe every 5-6 years.
Never wanted us to come and get her.
My DD and her family are about 90 minutes away.
We go to their house more than they come here because we are retired and they both work and with the kids, it is just easier.
If they ever moved far away, we'd be right behind them!!!!!
I cannot understand grandparents who can stand to be away from their grandkids.
If I go longer than 2 weeks without seeing them I miss them soooooo much!!!

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