Please bear with me, this is a bit long but I just need to get this off my chest. No flaming please.

Yesterday my son had his 1st playdate ever without Mommy there. It was at our next door neighbor's house. He was going to watch Meet the Robinson's with the new neighbor girl. I have talked with the Mom and Dad several times and been over to their home and felt completely comfortable with him right next door watching a movie. I even went rwice to check on him and make sure everything was ok and my neighbor ensured me it was. They even asked for him to stay for dinner and I allowed as he was crying so I thought he wanted to stay and was crying because I wanted him to come home.

His little friend next store walked him over to me after dinner as I was outside and her Mom came to make sure they made it ok. The little girl gave him a harsh look and I thought DS mush have done something so I asked if he behaved and he said yes. He said he just wanted to go inside. He went into the house with DH and our younger DS but he did not ask to play any videogames which is really strange for my DS.

He was whiney all night and kept crying and I kept asking if anything was wrong and he said no, but I had a feeling there was. He started crying really hard even with DH tickeling him and playing with both DS. He said he was tired and wanted to go to bed. I said " not before a bedtime story." So I took both boys and was about to read them a book when I leaned over to DS and said " you know, you can always talk to Mommy and Daddy about anything and we will still love you no matter what." DS starts crying so hard. I get him to calm down and he told me the little girl next store (she is 5 and he is 4) made him play a game he didn't like. I asked what hame was it and he said "The Private Game". I asked him how you play it and he said the little girl said if he told I would be very angry with him and so would she and she would not play with him anymore. I told him, no matter what I would love him and I wanted to know how this game is played.

He told me she pulled his shorts and underware down some and touched his privates and then told him to do the same to her and he said no, so she said I will be so mad and not play with you anymore if you do not play this new game so he did. DS said she kept touching him and his buttocks and he was crying so she finally decided to play another game. So DS said they jumped on the bed and tried to touch the ceiling and then watched a movie.

Poor thing, I thought he was upset about having to come home, but he was actully upset that someone did something Mommy and Daddy said no one should ever do and he was afraid all night to tell us. He didn't sleep well but seemed fine this morning. (I didn't sleep at all). I went over 2 times to talk to the other Mom today as she needs to know what happened as she may not be aware and I am afraid her daughter learned this from an adult. No answer at neighbor's house yet so I left a note on her car.

Poor DS feels like he did something wrong since I said he can no longer play inside the neighbor's house and can not play with the little girl for a while and when he does I ahve to be there,

I am upset, but not furious as I feel the little girl was acting out something she has played before with someone else. However I do not like the fact that she made myson so sad and feel horrible.

I guess I just needed to vent as I really need to speak with the other Mom but she is not answering the door. (she does have a baby so maybe she was breastfeeding or something).

Anyways...thanks for reading.

- Jenn

I do not know what to say. I am sorry your son is sad.

I think talking to mom is a great idea. What did you say in the note. I would sugest not writing down what happened and just tell her you need to talk to her. It would be good to see her reaction when you tell her what happened. If she takes it in stride (doesn't seem shocked, "kids will be kids", etc.) maybe talk to social services. I know that is easier said then done since she is your neighbor, but this little girl learned that somewhere.

Good luck. We will be praying for your situation. Please keep us informed on what happens.

I am sorry your son had to go through this.I hope he has told you everything,and not held anything back because of what the girl told him.

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People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life. - Faith Resnick

Jenn,
I'm so sorry for you to have to deal with this. I'm so glad your son told you what happened. You are not the first mom this has happened to. We had a similar situation happen at a playgroup where I was at, the kids were all just in another room, and my son came in to get me. The other mom was mortified.
Good luck talking with the mom!
Make sure any time you talk with your son about it he knows how proud you are of him for telling you about it. And that what the other child did was wrong.
((HUGS))
Becky

Thanks so much everyone. The other Mom and I leave at the same time everyday to pick up our kids from Pre-K. I left a note on her car that said. " I need to talk with you about the playdate yesterday, I stopped by twice but missed you. Come see me as soon as you get a chance please" The other Mom was in her car reading the note when I walked out to go get my son. She waived for me to stop. I told her what happend and the poor thing turned ghost white and was so so appologetic and was sick at her stomach.

She asked me what to do...I said I would probably talk wiht her DD to see where she learned the game. I said with the way she told my son about not telling and Mommy and Daddy will be mad. etc, it seems like she had played with someone other than another child, but I hope it was just curosity and nothing more and that she invented the game because that way she would never have had anyone do that to her.

The Mom said she will talk to her DD and find out where she learned the game. This Mom is just as protective as I am. (My friends and family say I am over protective) Wouldn't you know the one time I let him out of my site and entrust him to a play date without me, this happens.

I do feel better seeing the other Moms reaction. My son has a carnival to go to this afternoon and we are focusing on his favorite Cotton Candy. He gets to eat lots of cotton candy because Mommy and Daddy are so proud of him being so brave and telling us what happened. He knows he can come to us for anything and this may have made that easier for him in the future.

Thanks for the enouragement all. I was just sad for my son and the lack of sleep last night with a busy day today wasn't helping.

No flaming here love, I think you handled things perfectly. And the fact your son opened up to you, it's evidence of the trust he places in you. Good job mommy.

As I was reading your post, I kept thinking what you said: I tend to think the child acting out with your son, something that had been done to her. I know it's normal for kids to 'play doctor' but that's usually born from curiousity. By her calling it 'The Private Game' says something has touched her, then asked her to keep it a secret - complete with a "don't tell" factor.

You are doing great - deep breath, talk to the other mom and most importantly, praise your son for the way he handled things.

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Catt
~ Mirror Mirror on the wall, I am my mother - after all! ~

My heart aches for you. I think you handled it very well and I am glad the chat with the other mom went well...

*hug*

What a tough thing for a family have to go through.

Be proud of your son, he did a brave thing

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[quote=Mattncatt;2899536]

As I was reading your post, I kept thinking what you said: I tend to think the child acting out with your son, something that had been done to her. I know it's normal for kids to 'play doctor' but that's usually born from curiousity. By her calling it 'The Private Game' says something has touched her, then asked her to keep it a secret - complete with a "don't tell" factor.

QUOTE]

That's what I was thinking, where did SHE learn it from?


You did exactly the right things, I can't imagine having that happen. It's wonderful he was able to tell you, boys are very hard to get information from.

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"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked." ~ Bernard Meltzer

Having worked w/ juvenile sexual offenders, I will offer my opinion and you can take it for what it is worth:

First you are not overreacting. Second, you are entirely correct in how you handled the situation w/ your son. Third--yes, the parent(s) of this little girl need to be made aware of what happened. There are a myriad of explanations of "why" the little girl did this. The most benign is she was just exploring or experimenting. The worst case is she has been abused herself.

By no means would I allow my child to play with her alone again (not that he seems to want to!). But, I would not shun the child and her family either. I think and I very well could be wrong that perhaps this little girl has been exposed to this type of behaviour if she attends school/daycare. So, while I don't think she was doing it in an evil way--it is something that needs investigated.

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

Bravo Jennefier....you seem to have handled this with grace and dignity, as did the other mom. You are so fortunate she did not get defensive and she's lucky to have been dealing with you. Let us know how it turns out..

Melissa

I am sorry about what happened to your son. I hope the girl has not been molested.
I am SO glad that the girls mom was concerned too.


Sad ,but there are parents who would have been nasty!

I think you handled this so well - your son has now learned such a big lesson - that his mom won't stop loving him, and that he didn't do anything wrong.

In addition, you helped the other family to get help, and explore what may have happened or may be still happening with their daughter. It does seem very strange that she had the name "private" in her title for the game.

I know that you don't 'blame' the little girl, and that's good - she needs to know that she isn't a 'bad' girl - I think I'd actually go out of my way to schedule a few play dates at a park or somewhere else where the other mom and you can be right there to see everything -- it would be so helpful for that little girl to not begin to feel like she's being avoided, or a 'bad' girl.

Excellent job, Jennefier

such a good mom you are.. Your son is lucky to have you..way to keep it together in front of him!

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Too many people spend money they haven't earned to buy things they don't want, to impress people they don't like. - Will Rogers

"But, I would not shun the child and her family either."

I agree! I fully support how you handled the situation, but maybe a supervised playdate at your house would be OK. They are your neighbors (you can't avoid them forever) and this girl may well be a victim of something similar to what happened to your child.

I'm sorry that your first playdate went so wrong!

Rebecca

I think your response was PERFECT! I hope that little girl has not been victimized BUT by the wording, the name of the game and the "don't tell or your mom will be mad"....I have a feeling she has

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How scary for you! Thank you for sharing how you handled that situation. I think that if God forbid something like that happens to my child I would handle it the same way you did.

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I've had a Foreman Grill for about six years. I've done about 85% of my cooking on it, but I've never burnt myself. Probably because I don't use it as a pillow.

Op, my goodness I believe that you did everything you could to continue to make your son feel safe and know that he is ok, that you still love him.

In our blame game society, you have chosen to see the innocence of children and worked to even help the other family. It will be a long process for your family to work through this and I am hopeful the other family can also get through this positively.

This should have never happened and yet you knew exactly how to handle it Keep your direction clear and continue to be the way that you are.

dl

You really did handle this well... I think that you did something that was very difficult and this child will be blessed for it.

Please be aware that your friendship with the mom and the family may change. Sadly, it often happens...

For now, I'd be sure that adults are present if/when the kids play together again.

Rest assured that you did nothing wrong and let your son know that as well. Keep the lines of communication open.

I am so sorry that your son had to endure this. I read this last night and it has been on my mind all night long. So, I wanted to post this morning that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your son. I am sure this had to be very traumatic for him.

It is very apparent that you are a wonderful mother. Your son was very brave and obviously you have done a great job in placing love and trust in your children (that has always been important to me as a mom too).

I am so happy that you chose to post here, although you were looking for encouragement, it seems that most of us, ME FOR SURE, have been more than enlightened by your post. Quite honestly, I tried to place my self in your shoes in dealing with the girls family and PRIOR to reading your post, I don't think that I would have handled the other family as well as you have. I guess that I am saying that I probably wouldn't have put as much care into the other family as you did. I think I would have tried to 'blame'. And I NOW, know that wouldn't be right. Thank you for teaching me to look at the other side. I really do commend you for how well you have handled the OTHER family. I truely appreciate your post, I really learned a lesson here. I can't tell you how wonderful it is that you are reaching out and trying to help the other family.

Anyway, I just wanted to express my appreciation as well as extend my thoughts and prayers.

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email is moserlara@yahoo.com

I echo daltonmama's (and everyone else's) sorrow that this has happened to your son and to your family and praise for your handling of the situation. I could not think of any better way to handle it than exactly what you have done.

Do leave the door open to the possibility that the little girl's curiousity is nothing more than an age-appropriate interest in what makes boys and girls different. To prevent the unthinkable, parents and schools have taken measures to protect our children that may increase their awareness and teach them words like "private" that they may turn around and use. I personally remember going behind the garage at 1534 Groton Road, Grand Rapids, Mi some 40 years ago with a neighborhood boy and pulling down our pants to see what the other had but would never, ever have told anyone that we did that. However, we did not touch....and that's my main cause for concern with the OP's situation.

I grabbed my ancient , dog-earred, and no-longer-used copy of Dr. Spock (40th anniv edition, 1985) and found:

FWIW,

cj/

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I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. -Emo Phillips

We did this as kids too -- I'm embarrassed to admit it but I vaguely remember playing "doctor" in the bushes with my brother when we were preschoolers.

But, calling it "The Private Game" at that age (ages 4 and 5) and "don't tell"? That just doesn't sit right.

I agree that there are some things that don't sit right....I'm just saying be cautious about drawing conclusions and leave the door open to innocent, age-appropriate play.

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I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. -Emo Phillips

KUDOS TO YOU! I think you handled the situation like a pro and you have instilled trust into your child. He will not be afraid to come to you the next time something just does not feel right to him. Keep doing it this way and you will have a teen that is willing to talk to you which could help avoid some awful mistakes on his part.

A+ MOM!

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TLJ ~ Women United in Spirit

Thanks so much for the wonderful replies and encouragement from everyone. I feel so bad for the other Mom. They just moved here a few months ago. Her husband has to travel a lot and is away for a whole month so she has to deal with everything alone in a new city with no family close by. Her kids have been sick. She has a little baby and it is just getting over being sick too and she sounds like she is starting to get sick as well and now she has this to deal with. I just hope it was curosity and no one ever touched the little girl. The family seems really nice and she is from Alabama and I am from Georgia so we have that whole southern connection going on. I hope before long we can put this all behind us. We don't blame anyone. They are just 4 and 5 and I know it was not malicious intent.

My son is doing wonderful and in a week or so it will be all but almost forgotten. We had a wonderful time at the carnival last night and I let him have 2 things of cotton candy (he had to come home and brush his teeth very well though). He is playing Mario Stricker on the Wii video system with DH right now and we are planning an indoor picnic for lunch since it is rainy outside.

Things may be a little akward with the Mom and little girl but we will continue to extend friendship. My DS though will have to play in yard with her with ME present but we will not say anything in front of the little girl. If she invites him over to play we will just say we are going to play in our yard and she is welcome to join us.

Thanks so much everyone for being so kind and encouraging!

- Jenn

I just wanted to add that this is a classic game with young children and the name of it does not shock me. Kids learn the "game" from each other and somewhere some child called it this. With the number of play dates my kids used to have, I wouldn't be surprised to hear that this game has traveled around your area in his age group. I'm in the minority here, but I wouldn't think a child may have been abused based on this. If you think about it, at what age do we and our preschools talk to children about improper touching, privacy and such? I know my kids and many preschools in this area start teaching that around the 3 to 5 age range. The title and warning of this little girl's game sound exactly the words I've used in reverse when talking to my kids.

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I dream to escape!

I tend to agree with this also. Jennefier, I'm glad you and your neighbor are mature adults about the whole thing.

Also, wanted to add, don't discount that the girl may have heard this on TV. You don't know what she is watching, and the other day, I had the TV on ABC and on one of the shows they have a little girl on one of the soaps. Don't know the actual story line as I don't watch this, but, the portion I caught was her telling her Mom her uncle said "it's our secret". Come to find out, the secret was her eating a brownie or something.......like I say, I don't watch this show, but, a lot of times ABC is on since the kids are in school, and I like back ground noise.

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Doing the right thing isn't always the same as doing the easy thing.

I would agree with that too, kids have been playing 'doctor' for years but - I think the 'don't tell' thing, and the angry thing, it may be innocent but with that figured in I think it's worth telling the mom.

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Catt
~ Mirror Mirror on the wall, I am my mother - after all! ~