OK guys, I have a problem with my ex husband and today I have just reached my beraking point and do not know what else to do.
We had a nasty bitter divorce. He went crazy and I ended up with a restraining order against him. SInce then things have calmed down. He has remarried and moved on. We have had problems with our son lately, who he has custody of, and when we are face to face in court he speaks to me. NICELY as a matter of fact.
HOWEVER, if he needs to call about something, he calls my mother. For example, he was going out of town and wanted son to come stay with me. He called my mom and told her to ask me. Today he called and asked her to talk to me about alternative schooling for son. Then he called back and told her that he thought about it and to ask me something else....
I am TIRED of my mom being the middle person. For many reasons, one, she thrives on the drama and attention and the whole state of Ohio then knows my business. Two, she messes things up all the time and tells me half stories. Three, I AM THE PARENT AND HE NEEDS TO CONTACT ME!!!!
How would you handle this?

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GO TONY!!!!!!!!!!! # 20!!!

Is the restraining order still in effect?

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

No it expired this year. It has been 5 years. (He knows this too because his company has an office about 50 feet from my house and he had to wait until this year to transfer there.)
There is NO reason why he cant call me.

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GO TONY!!!!!!!!!!! # 20!!!

If he can't or won't call you, can you go to the court and have a 3rd party communicator other than your mom, communicate between the two of you.

Have you asked him to contact you directly and to leave your mom out of it?

Maybe he finds it easier to talk to her as opposed to you.

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l/ l/ l/
Dont go through life,
GROW through life

Real eyes...realize...real lies.

Have you asked him why he won't call you directly? Or told him that you want to be called instead of him calling your mom?

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I know this is easier to type than to do but for the sake of your son you need to figure a way to communicate directly with the EX. Your divorce was many years ago and you are both different people but at the same time you once had something with this man. Use your knowledge of him to work out an approach that he will be comfortable. Weather it's email. PM, messaging on the answering machine, something that you are both comfortable with, but you need to get mom out of it.

During a divorce most people are not their best selves and do and say things that they are later embarrassed by. Sometimes it takes an apology or an explaination but you have to make him see that when it come to your son, you are not the enemy.

Keep your eye on the goal. And good luck.

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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass
It's about learning to dance in the rain.

If he doesn't want to call you, why can't he email you?? Just curious. That way, your Mom isn't the middle-man so to speak and no one knows you're business except you and EXH.

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"Why must you speak, when you have nothing to say." Horatio Hornblower

I think you should try to contact him and ask him to speak to and call you directly, maybe he likes all the drama that it creates when he calls your mom though. Or maybe his new wife is jealous (since it seems like you left him) and she doesn't want him to talk to you whatever the case may be, you need to let him know that your mother shouldn't be involved in this and tell him that he has to communicate with you since you ARE the mother of his child.

Julieoh0712,

I agree with the email approach. I know the courts suggest this route when verbal communication isn't good between ex's. However, I wouldn't make a huge deal in front of him about how much it bothers you that he talks to your mom......I would just casually mention it. I only say this because I, too, have a ex and if he knew how much something bothered me, then he would do it all the more just to simply make me mad. When he asks your mom these questions, do you tell your mom the answer to tell him back or do you call his house and leave a message for him with your answer? If you are having your mom answer him back, then he may not know that you want him to talk to you directly.
If you ever need to vent or need advice, feel free to email me.

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Melissa
SAHM--the toughest job I will ever love

I'd also speak with him and come up with an alternate form of communication (ie direct phone calls to you, email, instant message, etc.) that would get your mom out of the middle.

Is it hard having him working 50 feet from your house? It all sounds like a lot to handle to me. I'm sorry for you all to have to go through this.

I believe I remember correctly that your son is 17 or so? My memory fails me... I hope that things are going well on that front.

You are in my thoughts.

Are you and your mom living together or is he calling her house?

Rebecca

Call him and tell him that your mom is no longer going to be the go-between. That he can contact you by email or phone or written letter. Explain that your mom sometimes gets things confused and you want whats best for your son and direct communication will help to insure that happens.

Then tell your mom that you have made other arrangements and thank her for helping but you will now be doing this another way.

And then stick to your decision and do not answer questions that do not come directly from him.

Excellent advice (as usual)!

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l/ l/ l/
Dont go through life,
GROW through life

Real eyes...realize...real lies.

Thank you, she said taking a bow.

yup, tell him that he needs to be speaking to you directly, that you will no longer discuss any matters with your mom. Then when he still calls your mom, and she tries to relay a message to you--let her know that subject is not open for discussion. It may take her a few tries to realize that she won't be the "middle man" anymore, and hopefully she'll relay this to your ex and he will start speaking directly to you.

Sounds like my ex he loves to get his mom involved in our lives so he feels the need to get my mom involved too. The funny part is now my mom moved & has a number under her new spouses name which he dont know so he cant find my mom LOL which she is thankful for she dont want to be involved anymore than I want her to be. I mean we are adults not kids & I certainly can handle my own life unlike my ex. who has to call his mommy everytime he needs something concerning our dd. My ex used to be able to get my dad involved & try to only go threw my dad but my dad passed now so he dont have that option anymore. I wish I could advise you but I cant but I do understand how you feel I am in my 30's & my ex is older than me gee at what point do they grow up LOL?!

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mom of 3 greats girls

I would follow this up with an email or certified letter stating "Per our conversation on Monday, November 5, 2007 all future communication between us is to be via email, telephone or letter. No third party is to be used....."

I would also document what happens from this point on, keep a log of how he contacts, or does not contact, you.

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Raising my baby RIGHT!!!!!!

All the cool babies are wearing cloth!

A friend of mine's husband and his ex-wife have to do something on computer. There is a calendar and they have to post dates, times, information, etc. for each other since they don't communicate well. It is court ordered and is some kind of system for these situations. My kids are all grown now but I would have loved that way to communicate with my ex husband. His mother always called but if she had not arranged it, he would have probably taken no interest. I knew they were safe with her, so I didn't mind. He, too was very difficult.