First, let me say, that I love you all. I am becoming so dependent on you all. I feel like I can turn to yall when I need advice, or to vent, or even share in happiness. So, for that I personally THANK each of you. And with that being said, I need more advice..... How to be cope with bad news that directly affects your husband or SO? Here's the story,

I have always been the strong one in our family. When our son was born and was airlifted to another hospital, pronounced dead, recessitated, underwent surgery, and was told he wouldn't live beyond a month, etc. (He is now 7 and doing well) "I" was the strong one. I never missed a beat, I never broke down, I never ran out of energy, I kept trucking. I didn't ask why, I didn't breakdown. I just kept going. I have been through alot of other tough things, but have never lost it ~ever! People, including strangers have always commented on 'how well' I handle things, etc.

Well, as some of you know, my husband has been ill and was finally diagnosed with a life altering disease with a pretty morbid life span. Well, when he told me and I read the info, I lost it! I busted out crying. Which is completely unlike me. And the fact that I lost it isn't the main thing bothering me. It's the fact that WHEN I NEEDED to be strong for him and stay encouraging, I didn't. I feel like such a heel for crying on him, when I should have been supporting him. I know that at times, we all have to let loose and not bottle things up. But I feel like I let it out at the wrong time and now I feel even more horrible.

So, my question is, How do you or Are you supposed to handle it and be strong. I know in my head and heart that it's hard, But I really don't want to let him down. He didn't say that I let him down or was discouraging, but I feel like I did, ya know? I want to be strong and keep positive, but I don't see how I can do this, if I suddenly lose it at the wrong times. How does a person suppose to cope with debilitating news like this? I would appreciate any advice you can offer.

Thanks again!

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email is moserlara@yahoo.com

Honey, you're human, you're not a robot.
It's okay to 'break down'. That shows you have feelings!
Don't be so hard on yourself.

There will be times that you must maintain a cool and together demeanor. But it really seems like with all that you have been going through, you needed a release. It's okay.

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l/ l/ l/
Dont go through life,
GROW through life

Real eyes...realize...real lies.

Daltonmama,

Give yourself permission to be in touch with your real feelings that you have right now. You're not letting anyone down. You're just being honest, allowing yourself to move through the process, and will probably be very, VERY strong as the needs arise. And obviously you know, the different times that you will be called upon to be strong are still to come.

And that doesn't mean that all of your crying should be now out of your system, either. Being strong is going to go far beyond whether you shed tears. You obviously have the strength, character, and love of family to have taken you through some very scary times in the past. Trust yourself, and know that you will continue to be a pillar for your family to lean on now. But be sure that there is someone (a friend, or other family member) who can be there for YOU when needed.

And, of course, we're always here. I'm so sorry for what's happening with your husband, as well as with you. Please know that we're all here supporting you, sending our best wishes, and praying for you. That's a lot of people saying a lot of prayers! I know the power of what's here. I'm being comforted right now through my dad's critical condition by the prayers and good wishes of our 'family' here.

D

P.S. - I just thought of this - I'll bet DH is actually touched that this got to you - he probably took some comfort in knowing that you share in that sorrow with him.

Hang in there! You have a right to cry and/or break down. You don't always have to be strong!!!!!

I 2nd this. I sound a lot like you...always the strong one, always the one everyone turns to in times of stress and trouble. It can be exhausting and honestly, it's not good for to hold all those emotions in. Although I "lose it" occassionally now, I feel SO MUCH better when I can let out my feelings. Breaking down or wanting to cry is not a sign of weakness, it's a sign of caring. It cook me a long time to realize that.

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Proud to say I haven't shopped at a Wal-Mart since Sept 2003

I agree with devinmom. The first thing I thought of when reading your post was that you showing your emotions to your husband was an expression of how much you love him. He is not the only one going through a difficult and frightening time. You are too. You will both support each other with your love for one another. You are both human and need each other now as much as ever.
I will pray for your family.

I wouldn't look at it as crying on him, but more like crying for him or with him.

You can be strong and still let your feelings out. I would vent to us, someone is always here to lend an ear or type a reply of support and sometimes it helps just to type out your feelings.

When I went through the tough times with my dad, I read support group message boards for caregivers, just knowing that someone understands can mean a lot. That what you are feeling is not bad or wrong. I never typed anything, I just read.


You are never given any more than you can handle, sounds corny, but we always make it to the other side of the problem even if it doesn't seem like we will, we always do.


We're here for you and you are strong.

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"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked." ~ Bernard Meltzer

You are an inspiration to all of us.

It is very natural to feel the way that you are feeling. You have been blindsided with this... any of us would be.

Try to embrace the emotions -- use all your strength to accept them. Generally, for me, that helps makes the emotions more bearable during the times that I've gone through grief like this.

Also, don't forget to make time for YOU... take a walk, have lunch with a friend, work in the yard... whatever you need to do to help you have a *Calgon* moment. It can be very healing

Your DH is very lucky to have you as his pillar of strength... whether you know it or not, you have exhibited this attribute to all of us.

You and your family continue to be in my thoughts.

I think people are what they are. You can't really change how you react to a situation unless perhaps you know it's coming and manage to steel yourself. I also think as we get older the tears come easier for some people. There was nothing wrong with crying. The news was sad and I bet your husband felt very loved, and touched, by your obvious concern when this happened. You are still going to do what you have to do to make all your remaining time together as good as it can be and if that means tears once in a while, then you are entitled and he is too.

You're human and you just never know when everything will finally get to you.
I didn't cry when my dad died till a few days later when I found the pepper shaker empty!
It was just your time to let go.
Now you can go on and do what you have to do.
Now that you have cried once, you and your DH can cry and be emotional together and this will be good for both of you.
I am so, so sorry about your situation.
I will be praying for both of you.

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Square dancing is friendship set to music!

Your human! He's the love of your life. of course your going to cry.. It's a sad thing. I think it would of been out of place to try to be strong with such horrible news.. you know you are allowed to lean on people at times. It's not an easy thing for anyone , but it might lighten the pain a little. I'm so sorry to hear about your dh.. I'm 30 and that is my worse fear.

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Too many people spend money they haven't earned to buy things they don't want, to impress people they don't like. - Will Rogers

Crying doesn't make you weak. I think that it shows how you truly feel about your husband and crying in front of him probably helped him because it showed that you're really concerned about him. Now you can confront this and both of you deal with it together.

You're both going thru a rough time right now and emotions (yours and his) will be up and down. You'll probably even lash out at him at times (even though you don't mean to). I think this is just one of the many emotions you'll be experiencing throughout the coming months.

I hope you know that we are here to listen to you and help you when we can. I am so sorry this has happened to your family. Please know you're in my thoughts and prayers.

(((HUGS)))

A lady I know lost her son and husband close together and both had serious problems. A lady gave her a Harlique Romance book and told her to read those. They were much cheaper than therapists. Also she took dance aerobics. She says that is the only things that got her through she was sure.

One of my husband's friends had an accident on Thursday, and we ended up in hospital, waiting to see if he'd make it, surrounded by all of his friends and coworkers. It's really odd to be around tough, armed people in uniform who are weeping, and hugging, and seeking solace, but I knew that the people there sincerely cared about their friend. As much as I think most of them would have preferred to remain expressionless, I think it was important for the friend's family to see them cry. Sometimes, being able to feel emotion is worth a lot more than looking strong.

Sorry that you and hubby are going thru this. Just because they give you a not so great diagnosis doesn't mean that they are 100% correct in what is going on or what is happening.

I was given a diagnosis 7 years ago of having a "fatal complication" of a rare auto-immune disease.
The treatment wasn't fun and it left me with permanent side effects but I'm doing ok now.

Now that he has a diagnosis at least you know what you are dealing with.

My prayers are with you and your hubby.

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Living well IS the best revenge!!

((((hugs, hugs, hugs))))

I am sorry to hear that you have such a plate full. Don't ever think that you have to be strong all the time for anyone. We all need to let others handle stuff from time to time and the time is now for you to let others be strong.

Prayers for you and your family.

You are strong-even when you cry. I was like you too, always the one "holding it together." When my son was diagnosed, I tell you, I couldn't stop crying. I felt horrible for crying in front of my son, he knows I love him. He's better now, but I still cry thinking about it all. If you don't let it out at some point-you will go nuts. Your husband knows that you are there for him. I also think it matters what you are doing when you are crying. It sounds like you are trying to be very proactive in his treatment-that is good. Crying and crawling under a rock is not good. Hang in there!

I have been in your shoes. Things that sound bad at first may not turn out that way in the end. My dh got through two life threatening illnesses in the course of a year. He made it through both. He still faces some problems but we can deal with them.

Thank you all for the very endearing comments. I really appreciate it. It honestly made me feel better. I honestly think this is the hardest thing I have endured.

I used to think that 'knowing' death was coming would be somewhat easier than unexpected death. My reasoning behind that was so that you would be able to spend quality time together and be prepared for the end result. I am not sure that this would be my answer anymore. I do know that death no matter whether you 'know' or 'not' is easier one way or the other.

I will be keeping everyone posted on our situation and would appreciate the continued thoughts and prayers. Thanks!! ~Yall are the best

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email is moserlara@yahoo.com

I can't imagine NOT crying and breaking down in a situation like this. Please remember though not to get to far ahead of yourself. Just as you were given a terrible prognosis for your son and he has done well, you have a dx but there's no 'book' written on your husbands outcome. Many people live full lives with this disease and are managing! Take the information that will help and support your husband and your family and 'file' away the info that is too much to deal with right now.
You ARE strong -- it takes strength to show your emotions and allow your vulnerability to be apparent to others. It's much easier to build walls up and close yourself off. What you are feeling is perfectly normal and to be expected. Don't forget to take care of yourself!
Amy

You are strong and will continue to be strong!

I googled the condition a little and you surely have a lot more information about the particulars of your DH's diagnosis and prognosis, but I really didn't read anything that suggested that death was coming. I hope that there is something in the diagnosis and prognosis that is on the positive side that you can focus on ... and there is always the power of prayer and positive outlook. One thing I read was to work on diet and healthy living .... eat more fruits, veggies, and unprocessed foods, eliminate smoking and/or drinking if they are part of the patient's lifestyle, and get as much exercise (walking, etc) as the condition allows.

Continue to be strong, have faith, and focus on the positives....

cj/

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I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. -Emo Phillips

I knew it was a reason that I loved yall so much.
You really wouldn't believe how much these posts have meant to me. I have read, re-read, and read them again. Thank you.

UPDATE of sorts on my hubby: He was progressively getting worse this week. So, yesterday, I took him and demanded a shot for the pain. They gave him 2 shots. Although, they didn't help a bit last night. But this morning, he got up and felt good. He still has a dull pain in one joint, but the others appear to be responding to the pain medication. So, there is finally some relief. We're not sure how long this injection will last, but at least we know it will respond and when he has another episode, we'll know what to get.

In closing, I appreciate everyone's kind words, and most definately the prayers. Thank you all so much and I will keep everyone posted on his progress.

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email is moserlara@yahoo.com