Ok,, Its really hard to know where to start. I have a step DD who is 18 years old. She graduated in May and basically is doing nothing. She works very parttime, like 15 hours a week. She has no motivation whatsoever.

She blames most of her lifes problems on me and her dad. Me more but really both of us. I certainly am not perfect and there is no manual for raising kids and especially step children.

She has always been a challenge and as much as I would have liked to have a better relationship with her, its always been hard. Her mom has always filled her head with lies about me and whenever things would start going well her mom would suddenly take interest in her and cause problems.

My husband had custody and her mom has never been really interested in her or spending time with her.
Of Course DD puts her mom on pedestal anyway. I never talked bad to her about her mom or tried to take her mom away from her. I really just wanted her to be a good parent or get out of the way, and let us do it. She would want nothing to do with her and then pop up when it was convenient.

My DH and I are not in complete agreement on how to handle DD and her attitude. I realize we have to get together on this, but its really hard. DH and I get along in almost every other area other than when we start talking about DD.

I feel that she needs more responsibility since she has no motivation to get serious about her future. She has household chores, but of course that is like pulling teeth to get them done and she acts like we are abusing her to maker her do them. Her chores are actually very minimal.

I wanted to get some ideas on what responsibilities you give your adult children and do you make them pay for any expenses to live at your house.

We are having a meeting with her tommorrow night and need some ideas. I was thinking of drawing up a contract that she needs to abide by or she has to move.

My main problem right now is all the tension she creates in my house. I have 2 other kids and I dont like the influence. She has a terrible attitude about most things.

Thanks for any input you can offer, I am feeling really down about the whole situation and am about ready to force the issue and tell her I want her out but I am not sure how DH would react to that.

Here are some ideas, all based on she is not going to school. Sorry, you don't go to school, you get a job and pay your own way.

You pay rent. (My mom & dad charged me $150 a month when I was an adult. My mom put $75 in savings and she kept the other half. I did not know she was tucking it away. 10 months later it was a nice $750 to start out with for deposits and such.)

You buy your own clothing & shoes.

You are welcome to use the household shampoo, soap, etc. Want something special, let me introduce you to the CVS and Extra Care Bucks.

You do your own laundry. No you may not wash one Tshirt for tonight. You wash in loads like normal people do.

You clean up your own room and your own mess.

No your friends may not hang out here all day long because they don't have jobs either.

You have 12 months to find a place to live. Go back to school and go local and you can stay.

We will provide you insurance until you can no longer be carried on our policy but you pay your own co-pays. Normally at 19 and not a full time student they are gone.

You have a curfew, who cares if you are an adult, you live in our house and it is our rules and you respect the house. Sure the curfew can be late but it it there and she is expected in her bed every morning.

Can you borrow the car? Not regularly but you are welcome to buy your own.

Oh I am sure I could come up with many more. Can you tell I have had difficult teen/step kids? Yep, 2 girls who got pregnant. Oh...you are pregnant...hope he can afford to support you because there will be no more babies in this house and I will not even pretend that it is okay to your little sister/brother.

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TLJ ~ Women United in Spirit

You think very similar to how I have been thinking. DH and I have not been agreeing since she graduated on how to handle this. He wants her to do something with her life and thinks I want her in a rut, because I want her to find a job and get working 40 hours.

You cant force someone to be motivated to do something with their life. If I knew how to light a fire under her I would. I just hope this meeting we are having with her goes well, because I am at my wits end.

tough love.. I was the same way and stayed that way up until 25. I had an ill dad that I was angry about.. hurting..yadda yadda.. I moved out came back..never kept a steady job , ran off for weeks at a time with strange guys.. Then one day the rules changed. get a full time job or go to school or I can pay rent.. 200.00 a month and I would have to pay for my own far insurance. doors were locked at 11. If i was out. I would find somewhere else to stay.. I figured it out.. It took me longer than most because my dads illness drug out. sort of different scenario but you get the point.. if she can get away with it..why wouldn't she?

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Too many people spend money they haven't earned to buy things they don't want, to impress people they don't like. - Will Rogers

My now 22 year old was always very responsible, worked at 16, never missed curfew, good grades, etc. Once she graduated from high school she started college that fall. Even though she was a full time student and she got enough scholarships to cover all her costs and more, I decided she needed to contribute SOMETHING to the household. We did not charge her rent and she did all her chores, her own laundry, her room, etc. and she could live there for free as long as she stayed in school. She came up with the idea instead of cotributing cash to the household she would take us all out to dinner once a month and she would pay for it (4 of us including her). It worked out really well for us. It didn't last long though because she got sick and couldn't work because she was in and out of the hospital (she had a brain tumor). I was very proud of her for staying in school though. But it worked good for the few months that we did it that way. After one year in college she was able to move out on her own.

Well we had the meeting. We did not change the terms as of yet on what her responsibilites around here will be. I think we are going to spell out the rules on paper in a contract for her to sign and if she doesnt like them or want to abide by them, she can move.

We basically tonight worked on the whole attitude stuff and reminded her that we are not all on equal ground here. We are the parents and she is not.

Thanks for your input. It helps to see what other people do with their adult children.

I love this and hope that I can print it out for future reference.

I have a pre-teen and am sure this type of situation will occur and would love to have this to use.

Thanks for sharing..... I do believe in tough love

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email is moserlara@yahoo.com

OP,I'm in the same boat as you, only it's my niece.
I moved my Mother in once again due to her health and having no place to live, Of course that meant my niece as well., She's 19 and has YET to keep a job for more than 2 days in last year and half. My Mother gives and gives to her and then expects us to pick up what she can't afford for the rest of the month, even tho she pays it back, thats still money we are short on for the rest of the month. My Nice was told 2 weeks ago get a job or move, She got one all right, on the 29th of Oct, On the 30th she went out of town, only 2 miles form another's state line. She got there, but funny she couldn't get back to return to work on the 1st. Her reasoning for going out of town A freaking Halloween party, She lost her job, not that it mattered much anyway, My Mom buys/ gives her what ever she needs. Since they moved back in 4 months ago, my niece has moved in and out 6 times here. she stays with whom ever will allow her to sleep there for xx amount of time, I fight daily ( DAILLLYYYYYYYY ) With my Mother over this, My Mother expects me and DH to just take this and we shouldn't be allowed to voice any disagreement on whats she is doing or not doing. My Mother seems to FORGET whom home she is living in. I'm SOOO sick of the fighting, I feel like just shooting myself at times. If we put our feet down on the rules, my Mother will bitch from eye opening till eye closing , all day long. I can't just kick her out, but I can kick my niece out which we have done this past week, Since then all I get all day long is her raft on this. Just tonight, she got caught cheating on yet ANOTHER boyfriend she had/has. and some nut showed up at my home at 11PM to *Visit* with her. My DD told him shes out with her boyfriend, Of course the boy wanted the number to this * Boyfriend* he knew NOTHING about, so my DD gave it to him. Niece's boyfriend kicked her out tonight, She called told her she could stay the night, but had to leave by Monday. She wasn't here 10 Min's before she was off with this 2nd *Boyfriend*, So much for wanting to make it work with Boyfriend number 1 . So in the Morning after my kids are off to church I'm going to set the law down in MY HOME with My Mother and as much as I would hate to tell her to leave, she will either respect my wishes or they both can get the hell out of my home.
So I feel for you, I know what you are going thu with your SD and your DH *babying her*, It's sucks when you don't have the support system to back you up when they know deep down inside the child is WRONG on so many levels in the way they are doing..
HUGS TO YOU. I'm right there with you.

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MyCoupons Is #1 for Holiday Shopping

Based on my response to surveys lately, I guess I DO have an adult child living at home. He is 18 but is still in high school. As such, his #1 responsibility and prioirity is to do well in school and get himself into a decent college (which implies that he has some extracurricular activities as well).

Even as a student, I require that he have a part time job so that he can pay for his car insurance and make his college savings goals. He doesn't do that much around the house (keeps his room in OK shape, unloads the dishwasher, and helps clean up so that the cleaning lady can come ), but he also doesn't get an allowance. He occasionally whines because this or that friend got some great car fully insured from their parent....but he generally doesn't begrudge having responsibilities and genuinely seems to appreciate being taught the ways of the world.

If he wasn't a student, he would be required to pay to live at home and would have to follow our rules.

cj/

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I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. -Emo Phillips

Having not been in the same position, this sounds like a good, common-sense way to handle it.

Last night we were explaining to her (after she kept saying I dont know what I want to do and the things I do want to do, take a long time) that it is time to do what you HAVE to do, even if it is not what you WANT to do.

She has a job, she just does not work very many hours and it is a place with no insurance, benefits and no where to move up. I used to work there and she has worked there since she was in high school. I think its just the easy place to stay for her. I am sure she is scared to interview etc...Of course we all know, you just have to go do it, to get better at that.

I am dreading the day my son will move out! It's been just the two of us since his father died 5 yrs ago, and I know I will be so lonely when he moves.

He is a HS junior now. I told him he can live at home for free as long as he is going to school full-time or working full-time. He will be going to college one mile from home, but I told him he could live in the dorms if he wanted to. He mentioned a couple weeks ago that he didn't understand why his friends were in such a hurry to move out, and why they wanted to go to school so far from home. I told him some kids can't wait to leave home; he didn't understand that!

I realize you have a different situation where you have an adult living in your home for free doing absolutely nothing else. That I would not stand for. They will only do what you allow them to get away with.

While she is looking for a full time job with benefits there is nothing wrong with her working 2 or 3 part times jobs.

My dd is 24 and graduated from college Dec. 2006. It took her longer to graduate from college for several reasons. All through college she had part time jobs. She works 6:00 am to 6:00 pm for Kindercare. She pays her own health care and meds. She pays her student loans.
She uses one of our cars but pays the gas and all expenses. She wanted to buy it but she is not making enough money. She has been on a diet so she buys her own lunch and breakfast. We do not charge her rent because we want her to get ahead so she can move out. She watches our dog when we go away. She was also here for the two years that my husband was sick. She helped in many ways. She has a boyfriend for the last 5 years but they want to get on their feet before they marry. Right now I am glad she is here because her two brothers are states away from us.

Sounds like you have a great arrangement with your daughter, read52! I think it's when expectations don't match that or someone feels taken advantage of or taken for granted that issues pop up.

cj/

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I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. -Emo Phillips