I just wonder if I'm alone here...my dh, at times, is too critical with our kids. I'm not sure how to handle this or if I even should. I believe in being a united front when it comes to the kids, he is just not patient enough and is an over all a pretty negative person.
In all fairness to him, MOST of the time he is kind and loving.... but...

I worry mostly about our 8 year old dd, I don't want her to grow up always trying to please a man...you know what I mean???

Did anyones dad gripe alot about "pick up your stuff/ your a slob", "table manners" " not listening" "your doing it wrong" etc... when they were growing up? how did it affect you?


Signed,

"Hypersensitive to young girls self esteem issues"

mine does fly off the handle a bit w/irrelevant stuff and he tends to get "preachy" with the kids. He is not abusive by any means, but sometimes I don't think he is fair and that he really needs to lighten up a bit. My older two kids got him a t-shirt for his b-day. It says, "My anger management classes really p*ss me off!" He won't wear it-hmmmm....

My DH thinks our girls walk on water....(and that's not an ideal situation either...) However, I grew up with a critical dad and now that I am 40, I am able to look back on how it did affect me growing up. I rarely did anything to my dad's approval. He was strict with manners and "acting like a lady" and criticized my appearance (stop slouching, put your shoulders back, not that skirt....). I rarely did any chore to his satisfaction. Despite this, I knew I did have both my mom and dad's unconditional love. That is, his criticism never made me think he didn't love me, but that he loved me so much that he held me to some unbelieveable standard. I did think then and still do now, that he was, at times very unreasonable with me as a child/young adult...

Most days I still think I don't do anything right, but i plow away with trying to be a good parent, good wife and good employee...daughter..etc.... I still get panicky when I am late when he is expecting me ..(that was unforgivable). I am aware that I married a man who is very rarely critical of me. I guess what i am saying is as long as your dh is not cruel, it may make her stronger, as long as she knows she is loved. My mom rarely contradicted my dad in from of him, but always talked to me later and essentially admitted he was being too hard on me, but assured me it was because he loved me. I bought it and it helped to know I wasn't crazy - someone else agreed with me!. I'm not sure this is helpful to you, but I think I am still sorting this out for myself.....

What a wonderful mom...

I don't have a lot to offer the OP except that another concern that I'd have (besides the daughter trying to please the man) is that she might turn around and become critical of her own children some day (as a mother)... I speak from experience although I have made a conscious effort to choose to break the cycle as a parent to my own children -- for the most part -- I'm not perfect by any means.

What does your husband say when you call him on it when the children are not around?

I'll remind him that they are just children and are allowed to act like children. He has an unrealistic view of things, meaning, I think he manages the kids like he manages the workers at his job, he is a enviromental, health and saftey mgr. so there is no room for error at WORK...at home it should be different. I've been a stay at home mom forever and I think it takes a LOT more to rattle me, he just can't handle too much chaos which is what you get with kids!
His reply to me telling him to ease up is the kids should know better...they have been told before...
I say you don't remove a fly from a friends forehead with an axe...
Thanks for the input and the adult point of view of how you feel/felt....VERY helpful!
Anyone else have a story??

I can really relate to this since my husband is very hard on our daughter. My husband is on medication for OCD which causes him to be a neat freak and a perfectionist. He has a very negative attitude most of the time, especially about the condition of the house. I'm a stay at home mom so he expects to go off to work and for me to be in charge of everything at home.

Very often he comes home from work in a grouchy mood which can escalate if things aren't to his satisfaction at home. He often criticizes my daughter who is 13. I often have to remind him that she is a child, but I know he always expects more from her than she's willing to give. If my daughter doesn't take absolute care of her things, she loses them because he is constantly moving things and she can't find them. This has happened a few times with things that she had to take to school, and there have been shouting matches between them. We often take more time than we should have to looking for things of hers that should never have been touched by him.

I agree with the poster who said her mom would reassure her of her dad's love. I know my husband loves my daughter although as she gets older their relationship has changed. She used to be daddy's little girl, but it's definitely not like that between them anymore. She understands his condition, and that the OCD affects how he relates to things. However, it has really put a strain on their relationship and I know she looks at her dad a lot differently now than she did when she was younger.

Although my husband's OCD is probably responsible for 90% of the hassles at our house, I worry about my daughter's relationship with him. He yells at her (and me) a lot if things aren't to his satisfaction, and she has had numerous arguments with him about moving her things. Sometimes we feel like we're walking on egg shells around him, and we have actually left the house on a few occasions to avoid confrontations with him. I don't want my daughter to feel like she has to be afraid of her dad or that all men will be like him.

My husband is working a job where he works first shift one week and second shift the next week. My daughter told me recently that she loves it when her dad works second shift because he's gone when she gets home from school, and she's asleep by the time he gets home. She doesn't have to see him much when he's on that shift. Hearing her say that broke my heart, and I think it said an awful lot about her opinion of him these days.

Thanks for the reply. It always makes you feel better when someone understands. I've told my dh that he will live with the relationship he cultivates with the kids. As far as me and the kids, we are great and that is my reward for the respect that I show them and I'll always have that.
I talk to my son and tell him to remember how it feels to be squawked at and nitpicked....to remember this when he is raising his own family. He is 14 so I can break it down like that.
I just worry about my dd being drawn to men that she can't please...I try to promote her being a strong female. And I pray ALOT about it!

Both my parents wore very critical of me, and I still have issues with that, when I am around them, and have to make a very huge concious effort to not be critical with my kids....It is hard to do, and I slip sometimes, but I always make sure that I sit them down and talk to them about any incidents that might occur, even if I didn't over react or be to harsh.

When it comes to DH, alot of the time he isn't home, like right now, so I don't have to worry about it, and when he is home, he still has hands off approach to the kids. Why this might seem cold to some, it has caused less confusion for the kids. Though when he's home if the kids say anything that hurts my feeling he will get on them......he hates that.

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"You can never really pay back. You can only pay forward."

Wayne Woodrow “Woody” Hayes

O-H-I-O

My father never criticized anyone,and my mother very rarely and that wasn't till later on life after I became an adult.We were allowed to be kids when we were young.I can't imagine growing up in that type of environment,but then again us kids were never slobs either.Picking up after yourself was just something that was "the right thing to do" unless your purposely trying to pi$$off your parents for some reason.
I remember the only time I was ever criticized by my dad, I didn't think it was really criticizing.He was trying to teach me the "correct" way to throw a bowling ball,and it would irritate me when he would constantly correct me over how I threw the ball.Took all the fun out of it.Thats all I can remember.My mom use to criticize me for not being as social as she is,and because I wasn't a gabby person like she was ,she thought I had mental problems. THAT really ticked me off! But she doesn't do that anymore.Not much criticism in my family,maybe thats why when I get criticized now it might bother me more,because I'm not use to it.But I guess you have to realize that people who criticize a lot ,most likely grew up being criticized a lot and thats why they are like that.

DH and I argue about this a lot. He is such a cranky person, takes after his Dad and he takes it out on the kids. He picks and picks and I sometimes feel like it's us against him, like we aren't even a family. I have almost posted about it on here a few times, but I thought what a terrible thing to say about him.

He did try medication last year and he didn't like it, I wish he would try something else, there are so many things out there.

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"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked." ~ Bernard Meltzer

I've thought about getting out the camcorder and getting his bi*ching on tape, then playing it when he's being "nice".
I think watching himself interact with the kids when he's being a jerk may be a good wake up call..........
I would be horrified to see myself being like this to my kids, and it may capture the look on the kids faces, which at this point is the eye rolling and disrespect. You can't disrespect and expect to be respected, it just doesn't work that way.

This is a HUGE issue at our house. Almost broke up our marriage. DH and I just feel totally different about parenting. It is something we are constantly working on and dealing with. Even went to counselling for it. I have no advise at this time, except to pray. That has helped me. It really is hard. I empathize.

I always say...
I need to tighten up and DH needs to lighten up!