I posted about my friend before, she is young (28) and married. Her DH (and I don't mean dear) is 36 and treats her horribly. For a few weeks in the summer they were staying with me because her DH got them evicted and they had no where to live and would have been on the street. This girl is so in love with him and does everything for him because in her words she wants him to think the sun rises and sets around him. She is from IL and left everything and everyone she knew to come to NY to meet her now husband, they met online and she said she fell in love with him over the phone and gave up everything to take a chance on him. a few months after meeting they got married. Right now she is the only one working supporting the two of them because he claims he can't find work. (its hard to find work when you are home watching TV and drinking beer all day, employers are not going to go door to door to ask if you are looking for a job) Besides her working, she has to make him breakfast and dinner and make sure his lunch is in the refrigerator so he just has to heat it up. He makes her walk from their apt to the corner store at all hours to get him beer (they live in NY in a not so nice area) and she has to clean the house when she comes home because he is a neat freak and wants it to be cleaned on a daily basis. She has been calling me telling me she doesn't think she is being a "good enough" wife because strange things have been happening. First, she noticed some odd numbers on his phone he claimed they were for jobs so she let them go. Then in the middle of the night she would wake up and find him in the kitchen on the phone (he said it was for a job.. I don't know any employer calling to schedule interviews at 3am) but she was naive and trusted him. Fast Forward to this weekend. She was at work, he called her and said he got a job and was going to work. When he didnt call or show up home that night she called all over looking for him and no one knew where he was. so she called the number that kept appearing on the phone bill and a woman answered so she asked for her husband and guess what, he was there. She heard him tell the woman " I don't have a wife, I'm divorced it must be the wrong number" But instead of talking to his wife he just hung up the phone. So she called his phone and the same woman answered his phone and started arguing with her. Two days later (after me and a few of her friends were there to comfort her after she found out he was cheating on her) the idiot came home. Yes she was mad and upset but said she wanted to deal with it calmly. She said that she asked him "Did you sleep with her" and this was his reply "Yes, but it's not like I cheated on you because I used a condom so it wasn't like I physically touched her because the condom protected me from doing so" Now if it was me, he would have been out on the street before he could have even finished that sentence. My friend on the other hand thought about it and said that he was right so she can't be mad at him for cheating because just like he said, he didn't physically touch her
So fast forward again to this morning, she noticed he is still calling this other woman and do I think he is cheating.. Ummm Hello, he is anyone can see that he is, how can you think any different? I told her she deserves so much better and if I was her I would end it now since they haven't been married that long and they have no children and she went on a tirade telling me how I am not being fair to her husband and how I am suppose to be her friend and help her through this. I am sorry this is so long but I don't understand what I did wrong, I can't make myself think any different then I do. Would you stay with a cheater who did this to you?

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~~~~**Maryann**~~~~

I just got a firm grip on reality....
Now I can strangle it

She's not lost her mind...he has manipulated and psychologically abused her to the point that she suffers from abused spouse syndrome. She need helps--but until she figures that out for herself, there's not a lot you can do for her other than be her friend.

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

ishop2much,
Don't take this the wrong way, But what do you think you can do ?? I mean really she knows he cheated whether she wants to admit it or not. Sometimes there's just NOTHING a outsider can do other than be there for her when she wakes up, if she ever does.

If you try to *tell*her what she needs to do all shes going to to is hate you for it. Best bet is to let her learn on her own. Be there for her when she finally wakes up, But other than this, She is going to have to learn on her own.

Nothing more than being her friend is going to make any difference right now.

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MyCoupons Is #1 for Holiday Shopping

I dont think there is anything I can do, that I know. she just keeps asking me what I would do, so I tell her and she doesn't like my answers and goes on these tirades of how I am not giving him a chance

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~~~~**Maryann**~~~~

I just got a firm grip on reality....
Now I can strangle it

Well there ya go sweetie, She only wants you to agree with her own line of thinking ( KWIM ?),She really doesn't want to hear what needs to be done, Only that you will one day agree with her staying with him and making excuses for his behavior. Sadly, She will have to wake up on her own. If it was me, I would listen, But when she asked me what my thoughts were, I would have to tell her, What will it matter ? You will not listen.( Yes I would have to say this, You can't make them drink the water if they don't want too). I feel sorry for her, She's headed down a long and tearful road with her Husband. I just really hope she takes care of herself and gets check on a regularly basis.

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MyCoupons Is #1 for Holiday Shopping

Ask her the famous Dr. Phil question, "How is this working for you?" When she asks if you think he's cheating ask her if she thinks he is. When she wants to know what to do, ask her what she thinks she should do. This way you get her thinking on her own and not being defensive. Ask her if she had a friend in this situation what would she advise her friend to do. Just some thoughts on how to get her thinking.

Some things that your friend might need to know down the road....


1. If a swimmer has on a wet suit, they are still swimming.
2. If you kiss someone with chap stick on, it is still a kiss.
3. If you wear a condom while having sex, it is still sex.




Rebecca

I bet I know this guy! Like an idiot, I talked with a guy in New York for a year--someone I had met online. He talked to ME in the middle of the night, told ME he wasn't married, etc.... Just kidding about him being the same guy--I'm sure there are thousands just like him! Yes, she needs to get the hell out of Dodge as soon as possible. SHE does deserve more!

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If you're not living on the edge, you're wasting space.

I disagree. This sentence implies that's he's the monster and she gets a free pass from personal responsibility because hey, she's just a poor victim. This isn't a long term relationship where he slowly wore her down over the years. This woman had problems when she met him. The OP claims that her friend met this man online and fell in love with him over the phone. The OP claims that she left everything and everyone she knew behind and gave up everything to take a chance on him.

I'm not saying that the problems were her fault. Maybe it was a horrible life and anybody would have wanted to get away from it. Maybe her friends and family weren't enough for her. Maybe she needed something different than they could give or something more. Whatever. The point I'm making is that she CHOSE to leave her family, friends, and former life behind because she preferred this man to the world she left. Clearly, for whatever reason, she found her old life unsatisfying. Satisfied people don't fall in love over the phone with online strangers and walk away from everything and everybody they know. So she had some sort of emotional problem before she even met this guy.

Any woman that would agree with her unfaithful spouse that he really didn't cheat because the condom stopped direct contact is desperate to keep him. Why she is desperate to keep him has more to do with her than with him. Believing that excuse says more about her mental state than it does about his power of persuasion. Maybe she's afraid of being alone, maybe she enjoys playing the martyr, who knows? There are women who don't want someone who treats them well. They like the drama the bad boy brings. Some women don't respect men who are nice to them and see them as wimpy. There are women who deliberately instigate beatings from their men because they like the aftermath. They want to hear his guilty apologies and the "Don't leave me, baby! I love you so much. I can't live without you." There's even women who deliberately instigate beatings from their men just because they like the presents he gives them afterwards!

That I do agree with. She does need help but she has to want to be helped. Hopefully, she'll come to realize that she has value and find someone who'll treat her like it. It's her decision and whether she does or not, she'll need a friend.

Is everyone right with God???

I can actually agree w/ this statement.

I think that some people are more susceptible to abuse (in it's various forms) because of their past experiences, or their own psychological issues. Or because that's what they've known all their life--thus that's what they gravitate to...

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

Unfortunantly, all you can do for people like that is just be there for them. But that is usually emotionally draining. No matter what you say, she's going to do what she wants. You can't wave a wand over her and heal her .