My SO and I have been together for about 4.5 years. We have had some very rough times however things have really changed for the better. We are really moving forward and things are really good.
Every Christmas Eve we go to his aunts house and his kids, my kids, his parents and his aunt and Uncle are there. HOWEVER THE EX IS THERE TOO. They have been apart for about 11 years and she STILL comes to family functions. (weddings, funerals, showers, and if she isnt invited, she will call and ask the person having the event WHY she wasnt..) She initially said she did it because of the kids however they are 19 and 16 now. She comes to his aunts on Christmas eve and then his parents Christmas day. She claims on Christmas day it is just to drop the kids off however she ends up staying and "chatting" for hours. I honestly think that after 11 years she should have found somewhere else to go.
I know it may sound petty but I am to the point where I feel and EX is and EX for a reason and the holidays are about family. I do not feel that I should have to spend christmas eve with his ex. SHe sits there and makes snide and rude comments to him and everyone overlooks it. Last year she made a comment about the cost of a ring that SO bought me, yet "look at what the kids got". I spent 250.00 on EACH kid last year and there are three of them... She just makes RUDE RUDE comments and i personally dont feel I need to tolerate it.
Well the e mails from his aunt came out this week and YOU GUESSED IT, she was invited ONCE AGAIN. I have the chance to work that day and I just may do that to avoice this whole situation. HOw would you handle this?? I understand that she is friends with his aunt and his sister however I do think that after 11 years it is time to move on and find NEW tradittions. TRADITIONS THAT ARE HERS!! Keep in mind, she has not dated ONCE since they split 11 years ago....
I get along with his family great. My kids love his family and his family treats them well. I just dont feel that I should have to spend my christmas eve with his ex. I dont expect him to spend his holidays with my ex and fair is fair...

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GO TONY!!!!!!!!!!! # 20!!!

What does your SO say abou this? He needs to be the one to speak up to his family--NOT you. In theory this isn't your family (yet) and if they want to invite her then that is their right. But, really and truly, your SO needs to be the one to say something. How does your SO feel about spending the holidays w/ his ex? Why hasn't he said something before now?

I really understand your feelings. DH and I had been married all of 3 weeks when we spent our first Christmas with his family. When it came time to hand out presents--they had to dig my 2 presents out from underneath the rather large pile of presents for DH's ex-girlfriend. They had not even been married! They had been broke up for more than a year! But, yet, his family saw fit to buy her gifts. I didn't say anything--but you can be assured that DH said something to his family when he found out why I cried all the way home!

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

I bet the EX would happy as he!! if you didn't show up.Don't give her that pleasure. On the other hand I would probably be sick of having every xmas ruined by an ex too. Thats a tough descision to make.

I know and I dont want to ruin it for myself or SO. This is my favorite time of year yet I hate that day. She makes comments and is just RUDE! I guess he hasnt said anything because he never went over there on christmas eve because the person her was with prior to me WOULD NOT TOLERATE it. He was so happy when we met so he could go back there again and I have tolerated it but I think enough is enough.
I want to talk to him about it but I dont want to cause a fight between he and I. I really dont know what to do.

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GO TONY!!!!!!!!!!! # 20!!!

If discussing this with your SO is going to cause a fight, then I think there may be bigger problems in the relationship than spending Christmas w/ the ex.

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

Julie, I would talk to him, tell him that it bothers you(comments and gestures) and you don't think she should be there. Maybe he doesn't listen to what she says. I personally don't think the ex needs to be there. Perhaps the family still thinks she is one of them. The kids have been old enough to be alone with the dad and you for a very long time. I go thru just about the same thing as you. If ya need to talk , you are more then welcome to PM me......K

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"Madison AnnMarie " 6/13/2008

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I would talk to your SO about it.....It seems like she hasn't so much moved on with her life. How would the kids feel about her not being there? Maybe she is still invited, because the family would feel like they were doing something wrong to kids by not inviting her....KWIM? No matter what the reason, it does seem strange that she still WANTS to attend all the family get togethers, I would talk to SO.

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"You can never really pay back. You can only pay forward."

Wayne Woodrow “Woody” Hayes

O-H-I-O

Maybe you should start new traditions too, one's that include staying home and hosting a get together that does not include the ex.

Here's your problem: The ex is friends with the aunt. The aunt has no qualms about inviting her to her house. The best you can do is talk with your SO and hope he sees things your way. From what you have written in the past and in your post above, it seems like that's a no go. But still this is his call to talk to the aunt about this issue.

Personally I'd be creeped out to even visit my ex's family at the holidays, particularly since he has a new girlfriend and family. And to sit and make comments is rude. But what's equally disturbing is the fact that if the ex is behaving is such a crass manner why the aunt would continue to invite her.

What would I do? See my first paragraph.

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l/ l/ l/
Dont go through life,
GROW through life

Real eyes...realize...real lies.

That's what I would do too!

I would buy the ex a really DUMB Christmas present and smile at her thoughtfully while she opened it,lol.

I was going to say the exact same thing!! I agree that you're not married to this guy yet and if it's at someone else's home, then you really don't have a say in it, but your SO does. And if you're afraid of discussing this little issue with him, then you've got more problems than you could ever imagine. I'm assuming this EX is the mother of the children, right? You've been with SO for a little over 4 years. I'm guessing the EX was coming to the family Christmas parties long before you came along, so they probably don't think anything of it. I think it would make the EX very happy if you worked and didn't go to the party. I don't think you should work; I think you should be there right beside your SO.

And I think you should talk to your SO about it. If it bothers you that much, then talk to him.

My sister and her EX sometimes are at the same Christmas or Thanksgiving get-togethers with their new spouses. All their children and grandchildren are there and it's a way to spend time together with the kids and grandkids at the same time.

Sometimes you just have to face the facts that some things aren't going to change and be grown-up about it. You sound insecure. Think of it this way -- you've got him and the EX doesn't. But like I said, before, if it bothers you so much, talk to your SO. But if they've been inviting her all these years even before you came along, you might have to just get used to it.

OR you could invite everyone to YOUR house and this way you could leave out the EX and no one would be able to complain about it because it's your house and your rules!!

Dear Lord! I think I would be really unconfortable having to spend christmas with her! I agree with the poster who said start a new tradition and have everyone come to your place, except her!
when my grandfather died, me and my hubby had been married about 6 months. I was divorced from the idiot I was married to before for about 2 yrs. At the funeral, that shi& for brains came in and sat down beside me. There I sat, ex on one side and present hubby on the other . present hubby didnt know who ex was and my mom kept giving me dirty looks like I had called the ex up and invited him or something. as soon as the services was over and we started going to the grave site, the ex vanished. friends said he was afraid I was gonna shove him in the grave. ( good idea! then shovel reallllllllly fast. )

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Divorce is difficult and dating a divoced man who has children can be difficult. The ex is the mother of his children, right? One of them is only 16? I would have to agree with the other posters. I don't see how you can ask his family members to stop inviting the mother of his children to their family functions when they obviously don't have any problem with her. Have a party at your own home where you can control the guest list. Other than that, I think you just have to grin and bear it and know that you are being the bigger person.

Maybe it's because I'm an old babe that sees things a little different from most but I think she has you right where she wants you.

She wouldn't miss this Christmas shindig if she were on her death bed. She's screwing with you and you are falling right in line for it.

Obviously your feelings show when you are in her presence and she knows she upsets you. It may be her Christmas gift to herself. I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of knowing her being there is any different than a stranger you had never met.
Show up, look your best, be cheerful and enjoy the occasion.
But that's just how I would handle it.

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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass
It's about learning to dance in the rain.

Maybe your ex just happened to really like your grandfather...and that's why he came...maybe it had nothing to do with you per se...You know what I mean? ~Lisa

I agree with you...I'd have a really hard time going to this year after year with the ex being there...But, it is his aunt's house and she can invite who she wants to...I agree with the other posters...I'd have everyone over to my house...excluding his ex! It sounds to me that your SO needs to speak up to his family concerning your feelings...if he cares anything about you, he will! It sounds like this woman really needs to let go...she's still holding onto him and his family. ~Lisa

Newfun makes some excellent points...

This IS her tradition and she's had it a lot longer than you have, it sounds like.

If I understand correctly, she's the mother of two of the children in this family -- and you're the girlfriend of their father. Sounds like she's as much - or more - family as you are in this case.

I think if you really want things to continue to go well with your SO and his family, you'll find a way to be nice to this lady. It's one day a year -- is it really killing you?

I totally agree with truble2301!
You probably won't like my response, but this is what I am seeing in the information you gave us...

So, it's really not the ex BEING there that irritates you, it's her hostile behavior...right? Cause, you know...she's going to be there, regardless of what you and SO discuss. She IS family.


Why wouldn't she be invited, besides being the mother of the kids, after that many years, she's considered family.


I'd be willing to bet the traditions were in place long before she came into the picture.


What does that have to do with this issue?


this statement shows she is obviously liked by her ex-in-laws and has a good relationship with them.


IMHO - If you can't get along with her, stay away from her, but I think trying to keep your SO away from his family is going to be a BIG mistake. Remember, these are HIS traditions also. (You think this might me a little insecurity issue with you? He's with YOU!)

You can make your visits on Christmas Eve and Christmas shorter, but to try to eliminate them all together is not going to work.

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Mary

Whenever I watch this sort of story on Dr. Phil or similar show, it always amazes me that the women blame the ex or the other woman and never the man or themselves. You can't control what other people do, you can only lay out your expectations and then control your reaction to it.

And as an aside and as I've said before, I believe you are selling yourself short with this man.

cj/

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I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. -Emo Phillips

I do understand everyones point and I am not offended by anything that was said. I understand that she has been doing this for years. I will let SO deal with this. I am going there for his sake. He asked if I could do this for him and I will. For him and his kids. However next year things will be different. I dont expect him to do anything with my ex and I would appreciate the same.

As far as her getting along with them because she chats with people, I think she just hangs around. I dont really see anyone go out of their way to talk to her. We had an engagement party at our home this year and she brought her kids. We told her that we would come and get them and bring them home but she INSISTED on bringing them. Instead of dropping them off and leaving, she sat in the driveway in her van for ONE HOUR talking to people as they were walking up. HELLOOO this was a party for her EX celebrating an engagement to someone else.

"I would buy the ex a really DUMB Christmas present and smile at her thoughtfully while she opened it,lol." Love this idea though!! Any ideas as a gift???

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GO TONY!!!!!!!!!!! # 20!!!

Might want to check out the thread "No.........Really...... You shouldn't have! " for some ideas,The weight scale sounded like a good one,hee hee.I'll have to think some on this.and get back.

Wouldn't you just love to give her this.. Spencer's lol!
Still looking....

OK...now that is just weird!

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Mary

OK, I got it. How about giving her a beautifully framed 8x10 family picture of You, future hubby, and the kids.

If you can't think of anything to give her, you can always just picture in your head ,the look on her face, opening the Spencers present , think of it every time you see her at the Aunts house.

I can't help it,I'm having fun looking at all these gag gifts. BF got laid off today,and this is the third time in 3 months at 3 different places this has happened.Its very depressing and looking at all these gag gifts is cheering me up some.
Heres a good one I found.Its an egg seperater.
Peter Petrie Egg Separator : Stupid.com

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Mary

I really wouldn't do this. This would make you look silly and immature. You should be the better person.

I agree, mom2twins2. Would really play into the woman's hand, just as cashchik said.

cj/

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I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. -Emo Phillips

I completely agree. Giving a childish or mean-spirited gift just makes her look better and the giver look petty. I think that would incline the family to embrace her even more. People tend to side with the victim.

I agree. You might enjoy thinking about it, but it will make both you and SO look bad in front of his family. Stick with the classy approach. Be nice to her. I know it's hard, but it helps your SO, makes Christmas better for him and his children, and makes you look great to his family.

Kim

I wouldn't do it either,but its the thought that counts!

That's exactly what I would do.

I would make the ex jealous by showing everyone exactly why YOU are the one now with your boyfriend

If she made a rude comment to me, I would smile sweetly and loudly ask why she was being rude -- instead of letting her know that she was getting to me

How about a membership to match.com?

Keep in mind, this is going to be Christmas Eve. There's no way in the world I would go into work if I didn't have to! Don't do that to your kids! I'm sure they want to be with their Mom on Christmas whether or not the ex is there or not. I think it sounds like a weird situation myself, but before I would work, I would stay home and enjoy the day with my kids. Just my opinion!