We always go out of state to the grandparents (inlaws) house for Christmas. A couple of years ago, they didn't have their usual tree, just a little tabletop tree. My dh sister, who was a single mother a the time, apparently didn't have a tree, so her parents gave her their tree. This daughter is now remarried and financially doing very well with her new dh. Would it be bold and out of line to ask her to return her parents Christmas tree so the kids can at least have a tree at Christmas? I almost feel like I would be meddling, but my kids are still young and would enjoy a Christmas tree. I even thought of buying one here and bringing it there, but that just may give the impression of stepping on toes. This particular daughter is high on a pedestal and I just might be creating more hassle than it's worth.

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A big can of worms would be opened up!

If anything, why not suggest a new "tradition"? Maybe loading all the kids and going to pick out a small live tree?

If you get a "bulbed" tree then you can plant it after the holiday. If there is no where to plant it on the in laws property, I am sure you could donate it to a park, zoo, etc.

Just a thought!
Diane

Do the grandparents want the tree?

I think I would just bring a tree for the kids benefit and not say anything to the daughter. If the gparents want the tree, I assume they would have asked for it back by now.

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Bottom line, I just want to know if I am being petty? When I think about Christmas, I think a tree should be included, if anything, for the kids. We drive 9 plus hours to be with everyone, and they don't even have a decent tree because they gave it to the daughter. I do want to bring a tree, but would that stir up the pot? Certainly not intending to make waves, just want to have a tree.

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if it did not belong to you, and the tree belonged to your mil/fil, and they gave it to (their daughter?) i would not get involved or ask for it back on their behalf.... seems weird to me. i would never ask my sil to give something back to her own mom/dad or maybe i am misunderstanding it anyway, i would stay out of it! if they want the tree back they will ask her for it my motto is stay outta the inlaws business LOL i mean what if your sil started telling you that you should do xyz with your own mom and dad...wouldn't that be weird

Could you talk to your ILs before you arrive and tell them that you'd like to start some traditions with your kids. So you'd like to bring a tree and all the decorations and have everyone decorate the tree together. I think maybe your in laws would love the idea of sharing this occasion with their grandkids. And hey, invite the sister in law too, make it a family occasion. I personally wouldn't mention the tree that was given away though. I just think it's not worth starting trouble over. If you think for even one second that it would open a can of worms, I wouldn't do it. The holidays aren't about that, IMO.

I would just say something like, "Hey, just wondering if you're still using that old Christmas tree? If not, do you think that Mom and Dad could "borrow" it this year, so their place is a bit more festive for the kids?" I don't think that would be bad at all.

I don't think I would say anything. My parents always had a tree when we were at home but once we all moved out they switched to a little table top tree. They liked not having to decorate a big tree. So the little tree might be all that they want to have and were glad to get rid of their big tree.

I gree with the others and I don't think who has the tree, whether they still deserve to have it, what they should do with it and/or how well off they are it is any of your business. Not a place I'd go.

I do think that if you would like to have holiday decorations wherever you and your kids are spending your holiday, that it's OK to discuss/suggest with family whom you're staying with. Maybe offer to bring a small tree.....maybe a prelit one that wouldn't be a hassle for them to put up/away every year.

cj/

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This sounds good to me...

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Ask your SIL if she wants to go in together to purchase her mom and dad a new tree for Christmas and see what her reaction is.

Rebecca

I agree with you in the sense of, if I am going to go out of my way on Christmas, leave my nice cozy home decorated for Christmas, I would at least expect to go to a home that was seasonaly decorated! Especially with kids involved! Forget about who has the original tree, offer to bring one, start a new tradition! But that's just me, if they wouldn't decorate, maybe then , offer everyone to come to your home? That seems kinda like serving baked fish instead of turkey on Thanksgiving to me.

I don't know, maybe it's just me, but I don't think a tree (tabletop or other) makes or breaks Christmas....and I think it would be more important to celebrate the fact your family can actually get together than potentially cause an issue. If the size of a tree is really that important to your children, maybe you should celebrate the holidays at your house, and see the rest of the family around New Years. Holiday traditions and expectations are what we make them....but, you can't replace or remake a family. I wouldn't cuase trouble and explore what is really important about that day.

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Yes, the request would be out of line. It's obvious to me that this has little to do with the tree and Christmas and more to do with you either 1) don't like traveling every year to the parents' house and are looking for an excuse not to, or 2) you don't like the sister and would like to give her a little "jab".

Either offer to buy a tree when you get there and make a new tradition, or suck it up buttercup and deal with no tree. I mean really? How many of our kids actually CARE about whether the presents are under a tree or sitting on a coffee table when they get up?

edited to add: We live over 1600 miles from my family and even further from DH's family. I would give anything to be able to travel and spend the Holidays with my family--and my parents DO NOT have a tree. They haven't had a tree in years! Christmas is not about trees. Christmas is about love!

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I'd ask the folks if they'd like a new tree for Christmas.

I don't see it as a jab at anyone that you'd like a tree, and don't think it's a shallow thing to want one. This *is* a festive time, and there are symbols that are a traditional part of those festivities. When you have children and are creating memories for them, it's difficult when you're not on your own turf, and someone else's style dictates the environment... and it's a very different style than the one you'd traditionally expect.

They're your children, and you don't get any do-overs. If a tree is a central symbol to you, and if you're giving up time at home, under your own roof, and the fun of waking up to Christmas morning and the presents under the tree and all that accompanies the day... giving it up so you can spend that time with your in-laws... I do think that it's not unreasonable that you want to make the event as Christmassy as possible, and trees, well, they're a bit part of Christmas.

Forget that the tree your SIL has ever existed. One day, you'll pass something on to one of your own kids and another relative - a child of yours, a SIL, a DIL, etc. - will have some emotional investment in it, while to you, it wasn't a big deal. After all... you just gave it to one of your own children, and it's no biggie to you. That's probably how they feel. For all you know, they've had a conversation with her about not wanting it back.

I'd call the MIL and say, "Hey, Mom, it occurred to me the kids are crazy about Christmas trees, and would probably think it was a lot of fun to surprise you with one. It's their favorite part of Christmas, and since we're always at your house, I think they'd love being a part of a tree thing there. I didn't want to spring one on you, which is why I'm calling ahead. Would that be alright with you if we 'surprised' you with one for Christmas? I think it'd be the most exciting gift they could give you, and they'd always look at it and remember that they were part of why you have one."

Yes.

dl

My kids care about the tree. They love helping decorate and turning the lights on every evening...the first thing they do Christmas morning is turn the tree lights on. We leave ours up until epiphany because we like looking at it.

I would go with what others suggested...call and ask if it would be okay to bring a tree. Maybe they just don't think about it because nobody has said anything.

peapie

Maybe your inlaws like having a small tree. I know as my grandparents got older they wanted a smaller tree. It was much easier for them to decorate and store. My parents don't put up a full size tree every year. If they are traveling, they only put up a small 2ft tree.

I would think that if your inlaws wanted a full size tree, they would have either asked for theirs back or bought a new one. Your in-laws may not want the burden of a full-size tree. It's their house, not yours. If you want your kids to have a full size tree for Christmas, why not invite everyone to come to your house one year?

Sarah......mom to Jason & Devin

I think it's kinda petty, your there for family not a tree. we're not having a tree at all this year either or lights and all that. not that I dont like them but we take ours down after a week and I have a 2 year old that would probably be found at the tree top in no time. grandparents in their upper 80's and have a ugly silver tabletop tree, would never change that, that's their choice and rather be with them <unfortunatly we live 2 days drive from them> so if I wa there it'd definatly be for them cause one day they wont be there

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Wowitsdark had a good suggestion. I guess I am going against the grain here, but I would be wrecked with out a tree! So would my kids! To me, that is what separates the holiday from Easter, 4th of July, you know what I mean! The lights, decorations, to me thats what makes it so pretty , and different from every other get together of the year.

Huh? You think that buying your own tree would be stepping on toes but are considering asking the daughter to return a gift that her parents gave her? That's not 'bold', it's pushy. I don't think it would be 'almost meddling', I think it's definitely meddling and would take an incredible amount of gall to do it.

I can completely understand wanting a large Christmas tree but asking an in-law to return a gift that their parents gave them so that you can use it is over the top. You're a guest in someone else's home (even if they are grandparents-in-law) so you really should just accept their hospitality as offered but if it's really that important to you, I suppose that you could ask them if it would be OK if you bought and decorated your tree during your visit. Honestly, I think doing that is tacky and pushy but it's far, far better than asking the sister to return her tree. The sister's financial situation and her dealings with her parents are between them and absolutely none of your business. Your idea is the kind of thing that starts trouble in families and nothing would induce me to make a request like the one you're considering.

I am not taking a hostile position as some may suggest. I simply thought that the tree would add to a nice atmosphere for everyone, including the sister, who will be there Christmas Day (and no I do not want to jab her). I honestly was thinking that her new husband might want a real tree, and the tree that was given to her will sit in a closet. I don't know, as I didn't ask her. It would have been a simple "Are you still using that tree, or getting a real tree?" Now, I wouldn't think of it.

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