Lord help me get through this. My son has screwed up ONCE AGAIN and will be sent away until he is 18.
I know I have to walk away but it is hard!

__________________

GO TONY!!!!!!!!!!! # 20!!!

Trust me I have been there and done that and so very glad I have disowned my child, he is now 20 and is still struggling in life has been since before he came to live with us at 18 and worse since 18, he has a nasty criminal record and will be spending Christmas in jail on a Class 4 Felony of aggravated assault with bodily injury, he has called EVERYONE except us since we are unlisted unpublished for someone to post the $10,000 to get him out. Sorry not happening here and my FIL and BIL were told if they do it dont ever expect to hear from us again. He has been in there from what we understand since the day after Thanksgiving when his picture appeared on the KS most wanted website and commercials and on the local Topeka KS News. Tough love is hard but it sure has eased my mind and DS; Stefan's mind that our drug abusing alcoholic, bi-polar violent son wont hurt me again or him again. 20 yr old refuses to admit he is bi-polar except when he is in trouble refuses medicines but in trouble says the bi-polar made him do it, I'm sorry your bi-polar did not make you beat a guy until you broke his arm with a baseball bat because he said something you didnt like, just like it didnt cause you to bust a 16 yr old girls lip open and almost break her nose because she told you that youa re 18 and an adult and the girl he was with just turned 14 and that is wrong but he busted her lip open. Attacked me because I was teling him he was going to rehab as court ordered and the psych ward to get back on court ordered medications and he attacked me.

I am sorry you have to go through this especially this time of the year, maybe you will have luck and this will be his rock-bottom and he will come around. You cant stop ever loving him you always will you can just distance yourself from him until he comes around, I'm still waiting 2 yrs later and I personally am not holding my breath, but your son isnt an adult yet so there maybe a glimmer of hope.

{{{{Hugs}}}} from someone who knows, feel free to Pm me.

__________________
~ Christine ~
Grammie to Trinity Lorayne Jean Keens Born June 9, 2011 Loving my awesome guitar picking 100% Country Boy boyfriend Kenny !
RIP Daddy~ 01/24/1930-06/01/2007 I miss you !
Dont Think you Can .. know you can ~ Jeff Hardy

You don't have to walk away. But you do have to look your child in the eye and tell him that as long as he chooses to behave this way, you cannot be a part of his life. He has to make a choice as to whether he wants to do things he knows is wrong, and thus will have to accept the consequences, or working at becoming a "good" adult. One of the consequences of doing bad/wrong things is that you, his mother who loves him more than life itself, will not be a part of his life.

Until HE makes the decision to become a better person, make good decisions, etc. you cannot help him. He is old enough to know right from wrong. He is also old enough and smart enough to know how to manipulate and lie to you. And that's what he has done to this point.

You have allowed yourself, blinded by love for your child, to be manipulated and used by said child. You need to seek counseling to learn how to spot the manipulative tricks of the trade, how to say NO and mean it (or how to say anything and mean it), and to deal with your personal issues. You most assuredly can not help anyone (particularly your son) deal with their demons, until you have dealt with you own.

__________________
Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

The sad part is that he thinks that there is nothing wrong with the way he is behaving....

__________________

GO TONY!!!!!!!!!!! # 20!!!

Julie Welcome to my world that is what I heard over and over and I finally put my foot down and said no more he was not going to destroy my marriage, my life my emotions anymore.

It is time to say I love you but I cannot support you for what you have doen wrong and you need to grow up and show me that you have then I will come around, you never stop loving your child no matter what I do love my son, but I cant stand him and his bad choices in life.

Marilyn gave you some great advice, you yourself need to get into some counseling alone with a therapist who completely understands you, I found mine was my best ally when it came to tough love, even when I would hedge on not wanting to be tough she helped me keep my ground and do what was right not just for me but my family. I couldnt live without her sage advice, bok reccomendations etc she has been immensely helpful to me. Please find someone like I have to talk to its well worth the money !!

I am serious my PM box is open for you to vent to me even if you just want to vent and dont need a reply please use me as a source to vent to Ok?


Something I foudn really helpful was a journal I keep two a old fashioned paper one that I vent to and try to work problems out with and one I have online that is private unless I want someone else to read and advise me on something, it has been so very helpful to vent to a notebook or online journal.

__________________
~ Christine ~
Grammie to Trinity Lorayne Jean Keens Born June 9, 2011 Loving my awesome guitar picking 100% Country Boy boyfriend Kenny !
RIP Daddy~ 01/24/1930-06/01/2007 I miss you !
Dont Think you Can .. know you can ~ Jeff Hardy

My oldest was very hard to deal with, diagnosed as an alcoholic at 15, refused in-patient treatment when recommended by her counselor at the time. Out all night long, skipping school, partying with friends. She never got caught breaking any laws, it would have made it much easier if she had been. So be thankful he is involved in the system, at least he is safer locked up than out in the streets being destructive to himself and you will know where he is. I know being locked up is not safe either (from the other people there) but at least he won't be out breaking laws. I was so frustrated with my oldest I tried everything possible to get her some type of help, but at the time I was living in Norfolk, Va. and even a minor (this was in the early 90's not sure if it's changed) has the ability to refuse treatment for alcohol treatment if it is not court ordered, even though is was recommended by her pshycologist and approved for 21 days by our insurance company. One time she came home at 3:00am drunk, tore the house apart, throwing stuff, cursing and I called the police, they came out, I wanted her arrested so we could actually get in court so I could get her some court ordered treatment, but no they wouldn't arrest her. One time I went and dragged her out of a party at an adults house, the police were called ans helped me remove her out of the house and she couldn't even walk, she didn't want to leave the party and she struggled with the police and tried to hit him, they wouldn't arrest her. The adults that hosted the party were arrested, went to court, one was convicted of contributing to the delinquency of a minor, but nothing was ever said about my daughter, we had to be there to testify though. It was instances like this over and over until I finally had it. Her father lived in Oklahoma and I called him and asked him to take her for a few months to get her away from the friends, the beach and party lifestyle, etc. I purchased her a plane ticket, packed her bag, took two friends of mine a male and my femle ex-cop friend and I drove, we went to her job (she had no idea) we all went in I told the manager whe was leaving and not coming back to work, they each took her one of her arms, put her in the car (in the backseat with her in between them) and we went and put her on a plane (non stop flight) with no money to OK and waited until the plane took off. Things were better for her with her dad, I told her she could come home when she decided she would continue counseling, go to AA (she had to start in OK). 6 months later I let her come home, things were better but not perfect, dropped out of high school, moved in with druggie boyfriend as soon as she turned 18, etc. Things have never been perfect, she is now 32. My husband works in mental health and is convinced she is bi-polar, but she has never been diagnosed and won't seek mental health treatment. She has managed to hold a job and graduate from college and is now married (to a great guy) and has two kids, she still has mood swings, but no longer drinks, smokes or does any type of drugs. Thing will never be perfect but they did get alot better.

Julie,
I can understand where you are at, and what you are doing. It is the hardest thing to walk away, wash the hands and take a deep breath.

We had a son like that, and we did everything in our power to help him. He self destructs himself just because I think that he can't handle when things are good. We have tried many times letting him move back in after he got himself into trouble, only to have him abuse our home and the sanctity of our life again (drugs, alcohol, violence). It was the hardest thing I think we had to do to say "no more" this past year and let him know that under no circumstances could he move back home again. I worry when I don't know if he is okay, but he has always been okay and has found someone to help take care of him every single time. He now has a girlfriend that he has been living with for the last 6 months, and she calls me and tells me of the craziness that he puts her through. First off, it saddens me to know that he found a girl that will enable him and be co dependent. She is a sweet girl, but when I have seen bruises on her, I just cringe and wonder if they are from him.
Sorry to ramble, but honestly, when we washed our hands emotionally and didn't allow him to lasso us up in his drama, it was like a huge weight being lifted off of our shoulders. We still love him-that will NEVER change- but eventually he has to come to the realization that he has to live his life right, treat others with respect, quit blaming others and learn to respect himself before things will start going right for him.
He says a lot of hurtful things about us as a family, and whenever he needs a new place to live, he has always sought pity by making his life so much more worse than what it ever was. I have had some of his friends that thought so badly of us, come over to our house and then take him outside and tell him what a fool he is-and that what he says he comes from and what he has been through is a crock of bull. Sad, sad, sad.
He used to tell people he was from the ghetto, his mom was in prison, he ate out of trash cans, no one loved him..etc etc..
Upper Middle class family, Family that is very tightly wound and four other brothers and parents that love him and have always been there for him is what he comes from. However, because he chose not to do what he was supposed to, he spent a lot of time in Juvi and then eventually BoysTown. Boystown said that he was the worst they had ever seen come through their system!

I just don't get it. (Well, actually I know I do) But sometimes there are a lof of things that are out of your control. He sufferes from Alcohol Fetal Syndrome and is bi polar. Couple that with the abuse he did have happen to him before we got custody and the mix was enough, I am sure, to create in him what has become so much a part of him. I will always hold out hope that he will get better and I know that eventually he will. Although I doubt very seriously that he will ever stop "bucking" the system and self sabatoging (sp) himself.

Be strong, honey. It will get better, and how you handle their behavior will also change over time. I totally can understand the pain you are going through.

Penny,
WOW. Thank you for sharing your story. You are obviously a very strong woman!

What you did for your daughter, is admirable!

Marilyn said "You have allowed yourself, blinded by love for your child, to be manipulated and used by said child. You need to seek counseling to learn how to spot the manipulative tricks of the trade, how to say NO and mean it (or how to say anything and mean it), and to deal with your personal issues. You most assuredly can not help anyone (particularly your son) deal with their demons, until you have dealt with you own."

I couldn't have said it any better myself. So true and exactly what my dh and I had to come to grips with.

I believe & I am sure it is hard the best thing to do is walk away & hope that he learns his lesson. I believe tough love is the answer I know parents including who continue to help thier kids get out of going to jail & they never ever learn & this hits very close to home. I have told my girls if they ever go to jail plan on sitting because I will not go get them out I think to learn a lesson you must let them sit I am sure that is the hardest thing for a parent to do but you may save your childs life just think of it that way let him know you are thier but you are not putting up with it any longer

__________________
mom of 3 greats girls

After so many of these similar posts, I really think that you should get some help (counseling, etc), if you haven't already. I would suggest looking into Co-dependents Anonymous also. Co-dependents Anonymous

Tough love is sometimes the best love that you can give a child.

cj/

__________________
I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. -Emo Phillips