Have you ever had your generosity taken advantage of?

I have a big heart and sometimes try to help out folks who seem desperate or in need of a helping hand. More often than not, the person takes my money or gift, and then proceeds to spend like there's no tomorrow, or pays me back last (if ever). This happens IRL but I've also seen it on these boards. Someone will say how much trouble they are having, but then turn around and ask for a coupon code for an online retailer because they're placing a big order. Huh? If you can't pay the heating bill, why are you buying toys?? And the stories! The dog died, Johnny has cancer, Susie needs glasses, the house caught on fire....such drama in their lives.

Anyways, has anything like this ever happened to you? How do you avoid getting taken advantage of? Who do you trust? Are you able to just chalk it up to a good deed and move on?


cj/


ETA: I thought about this when reading the debt topic, but it doesn't have anything to do with that topic or anything posted there...

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I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. -Emo Phillips

I think it's easier to "fall" for stories online because we can't hear tones of voices, see facial expressions, know the situations completely, we only know the story we're told. So I know for me, I tend to be overly cautious. I often feel sorry for people when I hear the troubles but tend to not offer support like I would for someone I know IRL. But then again, I only offer help to someone IRL if I know their situation and truly know that they're struggling.
Like you said CJ, I find it conflicting to hear of someone's financial woes and then see them buying what I consider non essentials. Some people that complain of money troubles, can't pay the electric bill, etc., spend money like there's no end to the money and yet turn around and cry about their phone or electric being cut off.
I try to not be judgmental and just let others lead their lives the way they want but when I see things like that or hear things like that, I can't help but wonder if things couldn't be better for them.

Unfortunatly,I will only help those who I know IRL from now on.On another board,there was a member who had hard luck stories one after another.Her husband left (he didn't),she had nothting for the kids BD,there was a fire in the closet that she had all the gifts for Christmas....That one is what got her caught.Someone called the fire dept where she lives,asking if there was a fund set up,they told her there was no fire at that addy,or any fires for 8 days or something like that in town.
another online friend left her SO,and was always having a hard time.She never right out asked for anything,but I sent her things to help out her and her son,several times.It turned out that that girl made more than 3x my SSI check per month.
I still help when I can,but only those IRL that I can see are needing help.

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People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life. - Faith Resnick

Oh, could I tell you some situations I've seen.......OMG. It is very disheartening, for sure. I think we somewhat touched on this subject back when school was starting up, and the donation thread came up.

I like to help people, and am happy to do so, but, don't take advantage of it, and don't be an idiot, and NOT help yourself. When I donate something, I carefully check into seeing that it is going where truly needed, and appreciated.

A story of first hand knowledge: Some friends of ours were in dire straits, taxes coming due, Christmas, etc. A family member gave them $1,000. GAVE it to them. They had been in financial trouble before, so , this was nothing new. They had even declared bankruptcy, so, this was truly not the first time for this, but, their family member felt it was their "Christian duty" to give to them. Well, upon receiving the money, they went out and bought beer, and some other non-essentials. Needless to say, that was the last time they were to receive money from THAT family member.

I am VERY cautious about giving to people, in general. I have seen way too much hypocricy. Really makes me mad to see someone on public assistance buying cigarettes and alchohol, too.

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Doing the right thing isn't always the same as doing the easy thing.

No, but was the receiver in the past, a wonderful lady posted on freecycle about a box of canned foods she didnt need. Her family basically adopted us one Christmas, not only did I meet a new friend but have an extended family. They are the most giving wonderful people, i'm so glad to know them. i didnt have anything to repay her and told her I would, I did give her a large bag of books I had finished and she loved them. her little boys birthday is coming up soon so will be getting him something just liike I do every year. She says she's not a giving person and i dont believe her cause of how many times her and her mom had me in tears when i first met them

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Books just wanna be FREE! See what I mean at:
http://bookcrossing.com

My other favorites
www.paperbackswap.com
www.wheresgeorge.com
www.geocaching.com

OMG-didn't her name start with an M? One of the times her DH left her, he supposedly went to jail, IIRC. She always had a story.

ITA!! I would have to get a job ( or go on assistance) to afford to smoke or drink! No way!

I just posted about my money woes, but I know it was my doing. I don't ask anyone to bail me out, just support me emotionally while we work on it ourselves. I did not charge anything this Christmas and we had an awesome time just the same, the kids never kn ew the difference. And I still had them pick a name each off of the giving tree and we gave them AWESOME gifts. Thanks to the posters here over the year, I had a good stash of cheap gifts and had a Skateboard I got for $5 from Amazon and the $10 Dora Mermaid.

I do worry about the people on those trees though, I wonder if that's all those kids get, or if their parents run off to Walmart to return some of it to get cigarettes?

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"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked." ~ Bernard Meltzer

I once stood next to a person at Meijer trying to return an Easter basket that her child got free from a civic group. It had not came from that store so she didn't get them to take it back.


I sadly wondered about the child that had recieved it and had to give it up?

My DS in high school actually picked 2 names off his giving tree at school this year. When we went to the party where these kids were picking up their gifts (he was one of santa's helpers) I sat out in the car catching up on some reading. When these parents came to pick up their "needy" kids, they came in Escalades, F250's, Infiniti's, etc. Here I am, sitting in my 1994 van, just shaking my head. Oh well, none of that detracts from the good my son did/does in picking names on his own volition......but it really makes me wonder how these families can afford cars that I cannot afford with both of us working---yet they qualify for this charity?

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"Well-Behaved Women SELDOM make history."Laurel Thatcher Ulrich


"Yesterday is but a vision, and tomorrow is only a dream. But today well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness, and every tomorrow a dream of hope." Anonymous

"Your candle does not lose it's light by lighting another candle" Generosity

Have the courage to be yourself.

That's what I mean! I go to the Salvation Army and see people there who definiatly have nothing and I hope they go to local people who really need it. I might not spend a lot on the gifts, but I put a lot of effort into it, thinking maybe that's all the child will get this year, because who knows really.

I usually let the kids pick the names, but this year I did so I could pick the ones to go with the gifts I already had. I don't know if they totaly understand because they are so young, but we are always donating food or clothing, or something to somebody so hopefully they are getting the lesson even if the items aren't as needed as they appear to be.

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"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked." ~ Bernard Meltzer

I don't mind being taken advantaged of when I can afford it.But right now bf and I struggling to pay bills,put gas in the car,and still eat.All of our food has been comming from wheeling and dealing at Walgreens and CVS and freebies from the internet.We have had to turn things off. Now my bf works in the bad part of town where all the gangsters live. He has to lend out all of his cigarrettes out at work while they save their money for cars and things.He gives away his lunches I make for him scraped from pennies that I earned from surveys and reward programs and now he thinks we can afford to drive his friends home after work so THEY can save money? .I'm all out for trying to help out the poor guy ,afterall I AM the poor guy but geesh,how far do I have to go.Dip into the money I have saved for my car insurance? Ofcourse bf gets mad because I'm irritated over this. But I think expecting me to drive his buddies home an HOURS drive after work at 3:00 AM in the morning is too much.We are already behind on our bills.How far do we have to get behind so others can get ahead?

Sorry just had to vent.

Another thing ,why do people always think your begging when you vent about financial woes?
For example.. My mom calls my brother to see how he is doing.He answers honestly as to whats going on ,which is the usual financial hardships.Then when she hangs up,shes disgusted saying ,oh he just wants people to feel sorry for him. I don't get it why people can't complain about financial situatuations without comming off to others as beggers.

I don't think that complaining about financial situations means that people are coming off as beggars, although I think it's all about how you do it. I will say that it irritates the living daylights out of me to have people complain about financial situations but do nothing about them, or worse yet, continue to do stupid things. That's the hypocrisy that I'm talking about in the original post here.

cj/

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I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. -Emo Phillips

I think it would be hard to judge that without knowing the complete situation.
Now in my case ,I'm constantly putting applications in places where I can qualify,and I do 100% with what I have to get the most of every penny I have. But I really don't want to change boyfriends,lol.
Right now he works 6 days a week,10-12 hrs a day in the freezing cold, He's been getting laid off constantly from companies that just hire people I think to cover vacations or just use them temporary to cut costs.But he never gives up,hes always out there the next day calling every place in town,every Temp place,job placement center ,taking whatever he gets.He just loves this house and I''ll NEVER know why.lol. Sometimes you just can't change the stituaion your in even though you would like to.You have others wants and needs to consider which might not always fit into your plan.
I honestly don't know how we have managed to make it this long,I think God has watching over us,really.

OK, I'm done rambling now.

I am way to nice to people IRL, I became friends with a woman I worked with, she was in her 50s, and had 2 grown sons. One was on his own and basically did nothing to help his mother and brother. She was getting evicted from her apartment and had no where to live so I let her come stay with me since I have a 2 bedroom apt/ . She stayed with me until her and her and her son got their own apartment. During the time she was with me, she borrowed money but paid me back. Then after living in her new apartment less than 3 months, she informed me again that she was being evicted. During the time she was living in her new apt. her 26 yr old son lost his job (he never wanted to work for all the time I knew them he kept loosing / switching jobs because his mommy gave him money and paid his bills so he just worked for fun money) so she asked if she can stay with me again and again I said yes. During this time she lost her job and applied for unemployment. It wasn't working with her at my house and she had family in Florida who offered for her to come down there. She went to her oldest son to ask for money to go down and he told her no, so she came to me crying of how she needed money to get there, her mom was elderly and ill etc etc and said once her unemployment checks start comming she could pay me back. I had just received a small inheritance check, which since she was staying at my house she knew about, so I couldn't say no. She said she needed $600 to drive down to Florida with her son and as soon as her unemployment check came in she would pay me back. She even told her sister she was borrowing the money from me and how she would pay me back. To make a long story short, I was an idiot and gave her the money to leave, however while I was at work and she was suppose to leave, she went on a shopping spree at walmart for new clothes for her and her son, gave him money to go out with his friends and who knows what else she did with it. I told her she had to go so her sister sent her a plane ticket and she flew to Florida, after she got there I was still told "I am waiting for my check and as soon as i get it I will send you the money" that was in August, its now December and I have not gotten my money back and now her and her family is avoiding my calls. I saw her oldest son and he said "thats why i didn't give her money and you will never see it again"

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~~~~**Maryann**~~~~

I just got a firm grip on reality....
Now I can strangle it

Thats pretty lame that she went on spending spree right in front of your face with the money you lent her.How rude.

I try to give with a 'free heart'. What the recipient does with the money after I give it to them is their business, not mine. I am talking about giving money, not loaning it with the expectation that it will be paid back -- that is another story.

I really try to research the people and/or organizations I give to. Most of the time I don't give to strangers, especially people I meet on-line. In some cases I will hear a story on the news, etc. and donate to a fund that has been set up, but usually I try to keep my money local and with people & organizations that I trust will do what I think are 'good' things with it. If I do know of a person in need, I tend to give things (like food or clothing, etc.), rather than giving cash. Since I get a lot very inexpensive with coupons or clearance, I can just fill up some bags with stuff from my storage closet. I also tend to give to people who aren't asking for anything, but I know they are in need.

Just my two cents.......
Sarah.....mom to Jason & Devin

OOOh I remember the situation on the other board really well I got caught up in it if it is the same person I am thinking it is. I sent her lots of baby formula and 3 boxes of non-perishable foods and some gift cards to Kmart or Wally and got not one Thank you from her and she claims she never got it yet I had a signature for every box delivered.

I too am leary of helping anyone even IRL anymore I have gotten burned more than once if I added up all the money I have loaned so called friends over the years that have never paid me back I am owed about $20,000 and that would pay-off my nused car I had to buy recently and get me my electric wheelchair/scooter lift for it installed too. I have judgements on several of them and they change jobs so often by the time the garnishemnt papers go through its too late I have given up ever collecting.

I used to be a real active volunteer with a non profit social service agency and when the people started driving Cadillac Escalades in, wearing better clothes than me and begging for help with rent,utilities,food etc I was done with it I had a hard time not keeping my mouth shut and figured it was best to leave than make a #$$ out of myself. I do still on occasion help some of the local homeless people, I will make them a nice bag with lunch with some easy open items like vienna sausages or jif to go things in them or give them gift certificates to MCD's we have one that is very homeless friendly.

Anymore I have a tough time trusting anyone.

I have always been a very giving person even when I need help. I usually have one of my elderly neighbors over for the holidays, but he passed away right after thanksgiving so DH is trying to find me a new lonely elderly person to feed and fuss over for the holidays and year round.

I just cant do the financial thing anymore and it is killing me knowing my foster sister is struggling now to keep her car and roof overhead and her two kids in college because her DH lost his $100,000 a yr job to job cut-backs and he cant find anything but min wage and is working at a min wage job while trying to find a better job, I sit here and I cant help her because my income is stretched and I had to go back to work against Dr's orders. to try to pay off some debt and for some medical treatments my DS is going to need in the new year that insurance will only cover 80% of leaivng us with $1,400 in co-pays every month. She is a nurse working two jobs and barely sleeping, both of her kids are working along with going to college FT and trying to help, but its a struggle and neither set of Parents are able to help, well his parents could they have $$ but they refuse to never understood why.

Its sad that we try to help friends, co-workers even strangers by donating to non-profits and we see them take advantage of our kindness.

Sorry if I went OT a bit and vented I had a bad night and am functioning on zero sleep.

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~ Christine ~
Grammie to Trinity Lorayne Jean Keens Born June 9, 2011 Loving my awesome guitar picking 100% Country Boy boyfriend Kenny !
RIP Daddy~ 01/24/1930-06/01/2007 I miss you !
Dont Think you Can .. know you can ~ Jeff Hardy

I am very generous IRL but I am VERY cautious about who I give to. I won't do giving trees or even adopt a family. I've had bad experiences where the adopted family had nicer clothes than my kids and the dad drove a harley. Uh, sell the harley dude!

Of coarse I think it's horrible that most people on assistance (that I know), have cable (some have HBO,etc which we don't even attempt to pay for), cell phones (and not the cheapies/freebies either) and other things that I don't consider "necessary". I don't like to give money because you can't control how it's spent but I do offer to buy people meals or clothes. You can tell right away those who really need it

Back to the original question OP: besides the adopt a family and giving tree problems we've had, I haven't been taken advantage of. Some might consider me "cold" but then they don't know the real me

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Proud to say I haven't shopped at a Wal-Mart since Sept 2003

I totally agree with this thread. I have given money to people so many times, just to see them waste it on magazine subscriptions or getting their nails done at $50 a pop. Recently our church wanted to help out a family at Christmas whose husband lost his job, great I thought, but when they asked for floor mats and seat covers for an SUV (how is that a help?) and then money to cover their $3000 mortgage, I hit the roof. O my goodness.

I want to be generous and my family and parents and grandparents always gave or sewed or crocheted for others. But it is so necessary to be vigilant and cautious. One time we made lots of lap blankets for a local nursing home where my mother volunteered. The next week when she went back she noticed many patients' blankets were gone! She found they had been taken by the aides and workers for themselves.

That is why I am involved with Operation Christmas Child where the items go to desperate children overseas (my daughter helped deliver the items in Belize so we saw first hand how the organization was run). And I am also working with Campus Crusade to make cot blankets for orphans. I have personally met and spoken to many of the people who bring the blankets over to Siberia and Africa.

Vigilance and investigate everything beforehand, I guess that is what we have to do.

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I met a woman on line thru Free Cycle, I help her when I can. No money, just tangible items. This woman is truly the working poor. She is out there working, and so is her SO. I know they both smoke, but, they are both working, and she is ALWAYS giving to others, ALWAYS, so I have no problems giving her things.....Laundry soap, food, clothes, whatever. She definitely pays it forward.

One time, shortly after Hurricane katrina hit, she and I brought some items to a family that had recently relocated here. Their neighbor told us how she was helping them, and how grateful they were, and how much they needed help, etc. So, we loaded up what we could, and brought it over to them. OMG, it was seriously in the ghetto (DH would be furious if he knew I went to an area like that). When we pulled up, there was a new(er) Ford Explorer, very nice looking. The house was OLD OLD OLD, like a 2BR or smaller, and there was a little girl, maybe 15 months, and a teen girl, like 14, and the Mom and Dad. When we went inside, there was a very capable looking young man sitting on the couch. I tried hard not to be judgemental, but, honestly, I just couldn't do it. The Mom didn't seem to have all her wits about her, either. The kids were happy to get the food and toys and books. My friend, who, as I said is working poor, gave all she could, truly. We left.

Fast forward a few months. I asked my friend how these people were getting along. OH, they were getting along alright. The Dad was in a drug bust, and the Mom was in jail for welfare fraud. She had been taking advantage of people for quite some time, and had many names she was using to collect welfare. Ok, yes, we were duped, but, the thing that made me most mad was the conditions she had her children living in. The baby was running around in a dirty diaper, and the house was filthy. THAT made me very mad.

In that instance, I am glad I gave, since those kids definitely needed something.

I am pretty cautious about where I donate, too. I have taken to donating more to family and friends, and even with them, I make sure they really NEED what I have to offer, and aren't just saying "sure, I'll take it" just to take it, kwim????

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Doing the right thing isn't always the same as doing the easy thing.

These stories make me so sad for our society as a whole. When I was growing up, there was PRIDE....there was no way, no how that a family would take assistance if they didn't absolutely need it. Nowadays, so many people are more than happy to dupe caring and unsuspecting people just to get a freebie. Makes me sick to my stomach.

cj/

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I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. -Emo Phillips

I don't know if I have ever been taken advantage of when giving cash to others.
But my mindset has always been that I am giving folks a gift, and that means no strings. I don't care what they do with it.
At one point in my life I won a large settlement from a lawsuit. It was more than enough to pay what were my current med. bills *and* put some aside for future expenses.
Before I gave to anyone else from this windfall, I first bought the first new furniture ever after 10 years of marriage... what a blast that was, as many of y'all can imagine! 8^D
DH and I went to my cousin's apt. when she was visiting her parents and had a ball. We bought curtains and bedspreads for her kids . We stocked her up on paper products (like napkins and paper towels - things she could not afford, but would make her life easier), we cleaned the carpets in her low rent apartment, and we crammed her cupboards with foods and health & beauty aids, we just spent like millionaires to help her and her 2 young kids who were in a desperate situation through no fault of her own. I gotta say, it was the most fun I've EVER! had in my life. We also paid some of her utilities and left her cash. I have no idea what she did with the cash, and I don't care, in our minds it was a gift.
We were also able to leave envelopes of cash money in the mailboxes of folks in our neighborhood that we knew could use it. And again, I have no idea what they used it for, and don't care. A gift is a gift in my book. We felt like real live Santa Clauses - can you even imagine that fabulous feeling?!
I never loan fam or friends money, it always has to be a gift from me or else I'd be tied up in knots about re-payment cuz I'm a very anal type of person. When I look on donations as gifts, I'm okay.

When we came into that first big windfall (have had several much, much smaller ones in the past 30 years), we were also able to adopt #1 son from a country that had only a handful of Americans adopting from at that time. And that was the beginning of folks from all around the world asking us to add kids to our fam, the kids have been best windfall we ever had was all the kids. Even the one that broke our hearts and changed our lives forever.

Every now and then over the decades we've been very priveleged to have smaller windfalls, and the best part has been that we were able to give to others. We live modestly, much to dh's blue-blooded fam's chagrin, but we've almost always been truly happy.

We adopted 6 kids over those years, many times it took selling some of our *stuff* or taking out short term loans. But I kinda have a feeling that God has blessed us with the ability to have our kids cuz we gave to others. (okay, maybe that's simplisitic, but still... ;-)

We have had extremely difficult financial times in the past 8 years, not due to anything we had done or didn't do, just one of those things that can happen to *anyone* in life.

Yet, we're here together, everyone is more or less healthy (several of our kids are special needs, but we've still managed to limp along with their needs, so can't complain).

We've scaled back on our immediate fam Christmas giving several years ago, and it's made the holiday truly and unbelievably joyous and fun for us. Rarely is anything bought brand new here, quite a switch from the upper class middle class life we lived years back. (Okay, so DH *did* buy me a pair of UGG boots brand new a few months ago, but they were almost neccessity for a medical condition I was experiencing ;-)

Though our disposable income is laughably less than what it was just 7 or 8 years ago, we have still managed to be able to give to others and I LOVE IT!

I come from an Irish immigrant fam who scraped for everything, especially their kids' educations. Maybe there's a genetic component to how I feel about giving? The deal in my mind is that if even if I were on the streets, there would always be someone worse off than me that I might be able to give a kindness to, w/out judgement. I keep remembering how the Bible says to let those who are hopeles to seek comfort in intoxication, and my hope is always that whatever I do for anyone may bring them more hope than the hopelessness they felt.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I may be a major sucker (ask my kids and all my weird adopted animals , lol 8^D), but I just have never been able to even throw change in a bag lady's hat w/out it squeezing my heart that another human being could be in that position, and realizing that save for one paycheck, it could be me, and I may very well want a bottle of wine to get through the night, yk?

I have been outrageously fortunate and blessed in my life, even during our scariest financial times, and somehow God has always provided not only *exactly* what we needed, but a bit more ( ie: overdue insurance checks that were for more than we'd planned, unexpected financial gifts from fam or friends, a new job just in the nick of time, a bonus or tip that was totally unexpected but exactly what we needed plus a bit more at the time, etc.)

I never know what may be done with financial gifts I have given, but I always hope and pray that it will uplift someone's spirit, even if it may not uplift their financial status at the time of the giving.


Like I said, I'm a sucker, and I can live with it 8^D

MZ

that was her.her DH didn't even know she threw him out...

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People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life. - Faith Resnick

This is very similar to my outlook. I feel that if I have given it to someone it is their's to do with as they wish. Their decision may color my thoughts on future help however.
I like to make my own judgements on who I can help and not by them asking or begging.
I work with a woman that I have come to know over the last year or so that through conversation I know she is the "glue" that holds her brothers and sisters and her children, nieces and nephews together. Her home is always expanding and depleting due to changing job, housing and marital situations in her family. She doesn't complain, just does what it takes to make everyone as comfortable as she can.

She happened to mention that she was watching the classifieds in hopes of finding a good deal on a used freezer so they could take advantage of sales to stock up. Our freezer has been being used mostly for storage of ice for the coolers, so it got donated to her good cause. She could not have been happier.

Not much, but something I could do.
I guess I am always more willing to help someone who is willing to help themselves.

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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass
It's about learning to dance in the rain.

A bartender at the local Village hangout that we were frequenting, was telling me one night that her car was being repo'd. She has three children, and lives with her wife. She never asked me, I just asked her how much she needed to keep her car. She told me she needed $600 more. I told her that I could help, but I couldn't do all $600 on my own without hubby's consult, but I could write her a check for $300, no problem. She was so happy, and all I asked her was "When can you pay it back". She said "2 weeks". I told her that it just wouldn't be right for her children to see her lose her car.
I gave her the check, she was still driving the car-so it wasn't obviously repo'd. Which I am happy for. But this was back in October and she has no desire to pay me back.
When I told DH that I had done this, all he said was "that was nice of you, but when will she pay it back?" I told him that she said in two weeks, but that I had no intention or concern about getting it back. That when I handed it over, I considered it gone. For my sanity more than anything else.

Because now, when I know she has no intention, it does bother me a bit! That was what I was trying to avoid.
Karma- ya know.. it will all come back ten fold. One good thing, we stopped hanging out at that bar-and when I did my budget and did a calculation of how much we had spent there per month, it was around $600-$700!!! (What a bunch of alkies is all I could think!). You just don't realize how much it adds up, I guess.
But anyway, since we don't go there anymore, and rarely go out..I figure that we have come out way ahead and that was money that probably would have been spent somewhere else, anyway.

People have to answer for what they do, I have to answer for what I do. I would rather give, any day, rather than take. THAT does my heart so much good. There are so many people who have helped me in my life, without even asking. I feel as though I just did the same thing back for someone else. That feels very good.