I'm sitting here lamenting my life and the fact that I have never - will never - have the opportunity to be a stay-at-home mom or wife (apologize in advance to those who don't like the term, it just seemed the easiest way to describe it). Tell me what I'm missing, so that I can have even more of a self-pity party Or maybe there are pitfalls

How do you spend your days? What are your daily pleasure and joys? How is your stress level? Do you worry?

Basically, I guess I'm asking for your help to allow me to live vicariously through your experiences and words.

cj/

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I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. -Emo Phillips

In my experience, it can be MORE stressful to be a WAHM (work at home mom) than work outside the home. When I worked outside the home, I could focus on work entirely. Pick up the kids after work and then be mom and wife. I have been working at home for 6.5 years now and it's usually more stressful. Why? Well, when the kids are home, I feel great guilt because I have to work and not play with them. When they are at school, I feel guilt because I am home and not able to get all the household chores done, dinner, etc like I would like to. I guess I feel like I should be able to do it all because I am at home and that is unreasonable (I know) but it's how I feel. I am lucky my DH doesn't expect it all to be done and he helps out but *I* am my own harshest critic. I have to schedule meetings and phone calls around the kids (and that isn't always easy). We eat out more than we should because I have no time to cook. When you work at home, you don't leave your job when you leave your desk...it's always there. I'll be watching TV with the family and be thinking "I need to check my email one more time". It's hard to put hours on your job because your PC is staring you in the face. When I worked for someone else, it was easier to work set hours. Since I am my own boss, I feel like I am job, mother, wife, 24/7. I don't know if others have this issue but I do.

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Proud to say I haven't shopped at a Wal-Mart since Sept 2003

Love it, love it, love it!!!!
It can get tedious when they are little. You definitely have to have some adults to talk to at some point in the day. I had to work full time when my oldest son (23) was young but didn't have to with my second son (16). I did work about 5 hours a week but that's not really worth counting. It's just so incredibly bonding to always be there for them especially when they are young. Plus, they are your flesh and blood, why wouldn't you want to be with them as much as possible????? You can never replace that time. When you are there, you are the one to see all the milestones, to make all the memories and share all the ups and downs. It's the best thing I have ever done!!!

The things I love about being able to stay home with my children are being able to be the one who teaches them things, like how to read, and write, and not relying on preschool to do it for me. I love going to the library weekly with my basket and filling it up with books and passing that love for books on to my children. I love making dinner every night for my family and all of us sitting down to the table to dinner. I love being able to run errands before my dh gets home, so I don't miss out on time spent with him.
Things I don't like... The endless laundry, however it would still be there if I worked outside the home... My house is not as clean, because we are ALWAYS here. And dealing with two little girls fighting over the SAME princess doll over and over and over again really gets tiring... But the good definately outways the bad.
CJS216 how old are you kids?

What I love about being an at-home mom - I love that my daughter can read and draw for at least an hour when she wakes up in the am - we can accomodate that, since she doesn't have to be anywhere most mornings. I don't think we could have such leisurely mornings if I had to bring her somewhere by an early am time.

Additionally, I don't have to brush my teeth until lunchtime sometimes. I also love that I can chat with the other at-homers. I can wear yesterday's socks, and nobody will know/care.

I have made an art form out of being good at finding bargains. I like shopping when nobody else is there except me an the senior citizens. I can't go to a mall or grocery store on weekends anymore - it's too much stress.

I never felt the urge to be in the work force when I had my two biological children at home. I did have a full time job once when they were both in school, but when school let out, I had to quit because I wanted to be the one to raise them. Then last winter as my son was preparing to go off to college, I was getting excited about going to work or school and being with adults!!! But, then came Faith. God had different plans for me. I just can't justify being given this angel to care for and leaving her with a sitter. BUT.....this time I do feel differently about going to work. I would really like to at least have a part time job. I will if my dh changes jobs and can be home with Faith.


HOWEVER...........this time is so precious to me. She is so fun and so good natured that there hasn't been a single day I've regreted taking her on!! She is truly a gift....I wouldn't trade my time with her for money. I get bored sometimes, but then she wakes from her nap and it's all good.........

I stayed home with my kids when they were little. I had to babysit to be able to do it financially but it was so worth it!!!
I loved knowing all that they did that day, I loved seeing ALL their firsts,
I went back to work but worked in their school for about 5 years.(when they were a little older ) and that was nice to.
Now I am working in a different school district than they go to, but this is my first year there. I will get the whole summer off, I get spring break, Christmas break etc... I am really excited. I think its a good compromise since I really cannot stay home and not work at this point. I figure the kids are in school anyway. My Dh was nervous about the paycut at first, but now sees how much better it is for our home.

I dont mean to be nosy, but why do you think you can never stay home? How old are your kids?
I was really bummed that I thought I could not stop working, but my job change is a good option for us.

CJ/,

I meant to post the drawback to staying at home as well - it's not all as "rosy" as I made it sound! LOL -

I find myself working words like "tooted" and "poops" into conversations - grownup chatter is something that's almost foreign to me. Early on in my staying at home career, I remember asking my DH what people talked about that day - I felt like he would be my bridge to the "real" world.

re: How old are my kids? They are 13 and 18.
re: why do you think you could not stay home? For one, they aren't really kids anymore. Also, we can't take a >2/3 reduction in income. Not sure I could be home anyways, which is why I asked the question - what's it like? most have answered with the philosophy/belief side, not as much on how the days are spent. Personally, I'd be afraid that I'd sit in front of the TV and snack all day and end up gaining a ton of weight. I'm not that self-motivated, I guess.

cj/

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I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. -Emo Phillips

I think i can answer your question. I "retired" from my job of 18 yrs in August at age 42. It was very physically demanding and was getting mentally demanding as well. My body was giving out I am lucky in that my husband has a very good job, yet with a son going to college in the fall, 2 cars and other bills we had some long discussions before i left my job. I find it has plus and negatives. No more work stress, i get more housework done, i run errands during the day, lol i cook better dinners, however i do get bored at times, i miss people interaction, for awhile i was actually spending more money for something to do and yes since Aug i have gained 12 lbs. I think i'm going to look for a part job just to get out. I guess it depends on what your looking for if its right for you or not.

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"Never loan your car to someone you have given birth too"

I really don't think there is much difference being a "SAHM "and a "working Mom" other than perhaps SAHM's have a little more time and greater flexibility as it relates to chores and things like volunteering, parent teacher conferences, running errands and other things that need to be done to raise a child.

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@@@
l/ l/ l/
Dont go through life,
GROW through life

Real eyes...realize...real lies.

That is good news! Time to stop feeling sorry for myself.....life is really good overall.

THanks,
cj/

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I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. -Emo Phillips

Is getting the summers off with your teens an option? We are trying that route.

There are pros and cons to every situation. I went from full time to part time when my son was born down to 2 days a week when I had my daughter to stay at home after hubby got promotion. I love all the time I have spent with them teaching them and just having fun with them. They are both in school full time now but we do charter school so I provide transportation to and form school. I now do rebate processing at home which gives me "some" cash and still allows me to be here when they get home form school or when they have days off of school. The Cons--I miss my job. I loved going to work even if it was just 1 or 2 days a week. It gets boring doing the same old stuff around the house all the time and not having adult conversations since all my friends have to work. Thankfully Mom just retired so I have her to hang out with. You have to do what is best for you and your family--if it means working then that is what you have to do. Don't feel guilty because once they are in school you aren't missing much time with them.

Let me start by saying, I DO like my "job" of SAHM.

It gets hard - very hard. My kids are 4, 21 months, 9 months and one on the way. It is hard to give everyone time and attention. Also, because I am at home everyone thinks I could be able to be "perfect" with the house, chores, kids etc. My kids are a science experiment...we test theroys on the best way to bring them up. They are good, but there are days! I miss working. I miss adults and interaction - with naps and the ages of my kids it is hard to get out. I do like it, I wouldn't do it diffrent, but I think alot of people have this "picture" and Ifat least for me, that picture is not very close to what really goes on. I am behind on all chores etc. My kids beifit and I don't want to look back and say I could have stayed home and didn't. With the new baby coming, financially, I would not be able to work and put them all into daycare.

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saraedawson@yahoo.com

Mommy to Jake, Alexis, Abigail and Joshua, Wife to Matt

CJ, I love my boys, and while I had some long days w/ DH travelling so much as a merchant marine officer, (sometimes 8mos. out of the year), I was very fortunate to be able to stay home w/ the kids and be the stable parent. Unfortunately, it's kicking me in the arse (Virginia talk-you'll have to get used to it-lol...). I am now, at 38 years old, ready to work, and seeking a career, but unfortunately, my resume looks like a pc. of Swiss cheese. My oldest is graduating h.s. this year, but my youngest just started kindergarten, and he attends all day. I thought I would be thrilled when he started school full time, but I was finding myself twiddling my thumbs by noon-laundry done, house spotless, all errands run. I either need to find a great job, or go back to school. I am kicking myself in the butt for not having established a career before the kids were born. Just appreciate the fact that you have established yourself-it sounds like your kids are doing great-no self -pity party-you did what you needed to do. And a little bit of me regrets that I didn't do what I needed to do.

Thanks, Linny....feeling better already. I sometimes get Harry Chapin's "Cats in the Cradle" stuck in my head...(substitue Mom for Dad, of course) and begin to lament my life...

cj/

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I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. -Emo Phillips

I'm sure that some of what you are feeling is the norm for anyone who is entering the stage of life when they are sending their oldest off to college... Is he still looking at out-of-state?

Being a good mom goes beyond being at home/work while the kids are in school. We all do the best that we can given our individual circumstances and it sounds as though you have raised two very upstanding young men.

That's a good point, Cuthie. It does go through my mind that every day will be the last one like this. Yeah, kinda melodramatic, I know!

He has been accepted early action to Illinois, Michigan, and UMass. He has apps out to Cornell, RPI, VA, Carnegie-Mellon, Lehigh. He might still apply to Wisconsin. So yeah, he could end up anywhere from 100 to 1200 miles from home! But by the same token, I went to college at Universty of Illinois (just 120 miles from my home at the time) and still didn't go there except for holidays, so I'm not sure the distance is a huge factor.

/cj

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I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. -Emo Phillips

First let me say that I have been a SAHM now for 13 years.....we have 6 kids, and still have 2 that are home during the day....

My day starts at 5am, I get up get things ready for breakfast, take the dog out, then start waking up the kids, wake them up in 10 min. intervals, so we don't have fighting over baths. Once the oldest four are up and started eating, I go brush my teeth and hair, and get dressed....by that time they are all done eating, so I do dishes, help oldest DS finish dressing, then get to lunches....after they are all ready and I get some of the beds made, I wake up the youngest two, and throw them in some clothes, load them in the car, and get those who go to school dropped off at school. Get back home, feed the younger two some breakfast, brush their teeth, etc. Then they color, while I clean up some of the mess that just happens in the morning. They then have their "color and draw" time, while I hop online and manage some FRG things, then we have lunch, clean up from lunch, the girls get some tv time, I usually finish up FRG stuff, then start cleaning, and somewhere in that whole mess I do a ton of laundry.....Then it's time to load the girls up in the car, to go pick everyone up from school.....Then it's snack time, homework time, dinner prep time, time to get ready for whatever classes we have that night.....feed everyone, get them in and out of shower and baths, do some more laundry, get them off to bed.....then I get everything ready to start all over again tomorrow.

Most days I don't have adult conversations, I don't (with DH gone) have any breaks, my home is almost never neat and completely clean, since someone is always home and into things, my laundry basket is never empty, and I get sick and tired of comments that I get about how it must be nice to have tons of free time on my hands......but after doing it for 13 years I wouldn't trade it for the world....


Did that answer a little of the daily routine questions?

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"You can never really pay back. You can only pay forward."

Wayne Woodrow “Woody” Hayes

O-H-I-O

Oh dear, I hope that you don't think I was saying that!! Not at all....not at all. For me though in my situation at this point in the game with only two kids and them both being in school, I would have tons of free time, I believe - and I think I would enjoy the heck out of it!!! (for a little while at least!)
cj/

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I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. -Emo Phillips

I'll stick my nose into this. I have been SAH and not a SAH. Our family has been lucky enough that I was able to SAH exclusively from 1983-1988. I gave birth to 3 kids and I am thankful we didn't have to add to the craziness by dealing with childcare and all that comes with that. I am a pretty lazy person and I can't imagine the stress of having to get everybody up and out and then work all day and then deal with the chaos I think we would create in the evening. I am in awe of people who can pull that off successfully.

I think my choice of nursing as a career was excellent for us. I was able to easily get back into my career and I was able to work as needed and around my husband's schedule. If I didn't work for 3 weeks, it was no problem because we didn't need the benefits a full-time job would give. I worked nights and weekends, so our kids were always with one of us. That isn't because we felt childcare is a bad thing though - we were too cheap to pay someone and we were too lazy to have to drag a bunch of kids around if we didn't have to.

When the youngest was 5, I returned to school around the kid's scheduled. I took online and day classes. Occasionally, I needed a sitter for an hour or so when they got off the bus, but that was a rare thing. I also continued to work a few days a week to keep my skills current.

In 1998, my husband and I switched roles and he stayed home and I worked full-time. It was great for him to bond with the boys and did wonders for my ability to build my resume. In 2001, I went back to school full-time for three years and he went back to work. I left when the kids left for school and I was generally home when they were home.

My favorite part of being totally at home when the kids were little was not feeling rushed and setting my own schedule. I also loved being able to BF. If I had worked, I wouldn't have had the discipline to keep it going. I also liked being in my comfortable clothes most days. I loved watching them interact and play. I think I also enjoyed not having to worry about organizing my schedule with my husband's and not having to worry about what we would do if someone got sick. I liked being the one to comfort them. All the things I enjoyed are what "I" got out of it though. I am sure they would have all been fine and none the worse for the wear if I hadn't stayed home or hadn't worked my schedule around them.

The few years I did it were just enough. I love the fact that I have been able to have what I think have been the best of both worlds. Some family situations or career choices don't lend themselves to dropping out of the working world for awhile and then getting back into it. I would be absolutely bonkers right now if I hadn't made some sacrifices early on to build my ability to have a satisfying career when my "mothering" was no longer required.

Going back to school while the kids are in school is the best bit of advice I can pass along to those wondering about it. It really wasn't too difficult and it was pretty cheap relative to the investment payback a few years later. I wasn't able to keep up with people who were talking about the latest TV show and I didn't get to read the paper too much, but the time is there if you want to try to find it.

Let me stick my nose in here.
I know what it is to be a SAH and a working mom. I loved being at home with my kids,cooking, cleaning etc..... the whole route. While I was a SAH mom, I did it all, to give him a break.... then it happens....I didn't like being married to a certain someone (abuse) .... I then went to working nights. ( Thought it would have helped ) I was home before he left in the mornings..... and up all day...... did not go back to sleep until he came home in the evenings IF he did.... there were nights I didn't sleep at all. I worked Hospice R.N. I needed my sleep.Next step in life ...... He left good riddance! Not once did he pay support, that left me to raise kids........ I did.... Now I work at another job, gave up the nursing thing.... seems I had enough.. My dad was my last patient.

I met a great man , we got married, I changed professions...... I would love to be a SAHM but with two families to support, it just isn't happening.. Now my health has and gone downhill....I go to work everyday, manage the house , cook , clean. ETC....... ya know the routine... If I could change one thing in my life is to be home all day and just be the maid.... lol.


So I have been on both set of the tracks..... I don't think it matters how we look at each others life's. It is how WE (I) am happier and what works for US. . Once we get a couple of kids outta the house and off to college. I may then be able to stay at home...... God help me if my health went wayyyyyy south and it happens sooner.
We will adjust and life goes one.

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"Madison AnnMarie " 6/13/2008

http://s244.photobucket.com/albums/g...t=8652d1ea.pbr

http://s244.photobucket.com/albums/g...t=adbcb309.pbr

I by no means meant that you were saying that CJ, I just hear that a lot, and it drives me totally insane...somedays I consider my self lucky that I even got to take a shower.....so someone show me all the free time I supposedly have.....

I Personally think that being a SAHM and a Working mom are both equally hard jobs, they just present different sets of challenges. You have to do what is right for you and your family, and I think its totally normal for all us to have days where the other side of fence looks brighter ......

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"You can never really pay back. You can only pay forward."

Wayne Woodrow “Woody” Hayes

O-H-I-O

I hear that, too. Several working moms I know like to volunteer me to do stuff for them because I "have all that time." Yeah, right. I also get tired of the BILs remarks - he's joking, but it gets old - "All Lisa does is sit home all day with her feet up and eat bon bons." Yeah, I wish. That's why SIL asks why I'm never home when she calls! I'm volunteering at the school, running errands, out doing all the stuff a SAHM does to keep herself busy!

Lisa

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"It's not having what you want,
It's wanting what you've got"

I, too, have gone back and forth. For the first year of my son's life I worked full-time sleep overnights at a Group Home so that I was able to be home with him all day (and no daycare but still have a second income). When he turned one I went back to work full-time regular hours (opposite of DH's hours so still no daycare). Now that DS #2 is on the way I will be back to working full-time sleep overnights after my Maternity Leave. We couldn't afford for me to just be a SAHM, so this is a good alternative. When my boys are finally old enough to go off to school I would like to go back to school as well. I would like to get my LPN and work with adults who are DD . . .

Staying home has its positives and negatives. I personally get bored easily. I hate house work . . . You run out of things to do after awhile. I don't know any other SAHM's . . . However, I am very grateful that I am able to stay at home with my son and spend that time with him! I could never put him in daycare . . .

Well,
I have to say that I just love being home with our 4 year old son- I have been a SAHM since we had our first daughter. But I do feel resentment towards people who make stupid remarks about staying at home.
I hear lots of remarks like "Oh I wished I could not be working: from girlfriends- who work normal days and then come home to their families.. that I can understand.. what irritated me is Dh who scoffs at me when we are fighting over me being exhausted and not having the time or energy to clean the basement when he wants with him..that he "wishes he could stay home and do whatever he wanted"
And when I say
"you have no idea, it can be a very busy day
And he will say "What- doing what!> Ive been home with you guys all day on weekends, I know what goes on here- I would do anything to trade days with you.

Let me tell you something.. our day may not look action packed every day- but I do so much during that day and do things that if they were not done, the house and our lives would go to pot- it burns me up when he says crap like that. I'm a very active mother with crafts, outdoor time and such


Another thing that hit me the wrong way last week- our neighbor running into me at the grocery store- mind you, she is married with no kids- looking at me standing there with our 4 year old son
"Oh, you poor thing- your always having to have them with you.

Umm what?
lol


Its stuff like that that makes me feel like people dumb down SAHMs and Dads- like we arent as witty or busy- exciting than they are.

Yep- Im a bit bitter this week about the subject. lol

Cehrin -

I hear what you're saying and understand your frustration with DH and neighbor. However, when I read what was said and not being in the situation, I can see a different take on it.

For example, it would be a whole lot easier to run errands without kids in tow - I think all parents would agree with that - maybe that's all the woman was saying.

For the DH, I can also empathize with the desire to stay home and do whatever I wanted so I can see where he might be coming from. Of course, it's all in how he said it - 95% of communication is non-verbal! Going to work and providing for one's family - the responsbility that comes with that - is difficult and stressful in it's own way especially given the state of the economy and the record high unemployment rate. Maybe look at it from his angle....

I don't know.....just thinking...

cj/

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I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. -Emo Phillips

Okay, I'll throw my two cents in here, too. I've just recently started staying home, due to an illness. I'm not sick every day, but 1 in every 3 or so. I've worked since I was 15 and I'm now 36. My son is 9 and it's been a HUGE adjustment. I thought I'd like it, but it's hard for me. I do like the extra time I get to spend with my son, but now I pick up my nieces after school, too, to supplement our income. That seriously takes away from the time I spend with my child. It's been great for them, though, because they have someone to help them with their homework. I used to have my house cleaned every week, so I've never really had a cleaning routine and I'm struggling to develop one. Also, since I'm "home", my family really takes advantage and doesn't do much of anything here, even picking up after themselves. I am really struggling with that. As you feared, I've gained 22 pounds in the last year!!!!! YIKES!!!! That's the worst part! I really didn't see that coming. I've got to get that under control. I do a lot of aimless wandering, shopping that I don't need to do, cleaning avoidance, and laundry. I've lost most of my organizational skills, as well as most of my ability to multitask. I do, however, watch the View and Rachael Ray most days. It's 12:05 here and I haven't taken a shower. I think it's difficult to become a SAHM later in life.

Kim

Cj-

I totally understand what your saying too- and I know my neighbor really was being empathetic for me.. I know Dh *really* thinks its super easy being a SAHM. lol
( right- and he cant even hang his own pants up after taking them off.)

I love him- dont get me wrong!

I recently stopped working full time due to an illness also. Actually right now I am working part-time, mostly from home. So, I've been on both sides of the fence and the fact of the matter is, life is much better now. When I worked full time I had to do all the "jobs" of the SAHM plus work full time. My stress levels have dropped. Now, I can volunteer at my kids' school, make doctor appointments without taking time off from work, go to the gym. I have to say, I am a much happier person now. Getting ill was a blessing in disguise.

I reread my post and I sounded awfully grumpy. I agree that it is much easier. I, too, was trying to do it all. I love the fact that I can schedule things around busy times at the stores, traffic, etc. I don't have to take off of work to visit my doctor, take my child to the doctor, worry about making it to the pharmacy to pick up prescriptions, etc. Also, I can actually spend time with my DH on the weekend when he's off work, rather than trying to play catch-up around the house. My stress level is definitely down, too.

I choose to be responsible for my family instead of a job and for me it was one or the other. I could not imagine calling in, I would get so mad when someone called that their kid was sick and they weren't coming in! I never missed a day of work in 12 years, that's just the type of person I am and there is no way I could be that responsible for 2 different things, family and a job at the same time. And DH is the same way, the only time he misses work is if he's in the hospital.

It is more comforting knowing I am here for my family than any paycheck will ever be worth.

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"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked." ~ Bernard Meltzer

That's nice to know, but is again a value judgment - which is not what I was looking to get into - not a respone to the question asked.

For what its worth, the concern you have is probably applicable to an hourly job, but not nearly as concerning for many professional positions. For example, I work a minimum of 4 hours a weekend and at least an hour every evening and morning from the comfort of my sofa.

So, anyways, what's it like to be a SAHM?

cj/

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I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. -Emo Phillips

Wasn't judging maybe I should have put it this way:

Being home is comforting, nurturing and worth every penny of a paycheck.

Does that answer your question? Should have never bothered, I was doing it to provide an insight I did not see brought up in previous posts, not to be put down and no I didn't have an hourly job.

And having an hourly job or a salary paid "professional" job makes no difference in responsibility, yes there are more luxuries with a professional position, but even my sister who is a fund manager for Statestreet and works at home NEVER calls in, that's how we were brought up.

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"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked." ~ Bernard Meltzer