I've been exchanging Christmas gifts with my cousin who lives out of state forever. Sometimes she is late sending her gifts. I still haven't received anything in the mail. How would you approach this? I'm thinking about sending her a short note at the end of January but I don't know what to say. How can I say, I didn't receive anything from you this year. Should I just let it go? I'd like to add that she sends me a gift for Valentines , Easter, and my birthday.

Write her a short note or email and wish her a Happy New Year and ask if she received the gift that you sent.

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I agree with the above poster, I would NOT ask about the delayed gift. Cause you may not be getting one. Perhaps she's financially strapped??

DH and I just sort of went through this. We have gotten a Christmas check from DH's parents for the last several years, in varying amounts. They buy the kids each one toy (a Hess truck) each year, and that's about it. This year we received no check, not even a card, and no Hess trucks sent before Christmas. At the last minute, during Christmas break, the kids called them to see if the kids could go visit them (they live 7hrs. away). We made arrangements, and the kids went-the little kids came home w/ Hess trucks, and the big kids each got $25-absolutely nothing, not even a card was sent for DH and I. Well, DH and I talked about it, weren't quite sure what to do. The other night his dad did call, and DH said, "Hey, I don't mean to be rude, if you didn't send anything for Christmas, that's fine, but if you did, we didn't receive it. As it turned out-absolutely NOTHING was sent, apparently pretty intentionally. Now MIL did just retire this year, so things are probably a bit tighter, but they could have said something earlier in the year along the lines of, "We have a smaller Christmas budget this year, so don't worry about buying for us," or something along those lines. Really, I don't care if they didn't send the check, but it kind of pisses me of for DH's sake that his parents (they only have two kids) couldn't even bother to send him a card for Christmas. I told DH that's ok-it just makes my shopping easier next year-lol...This year we only sent them a $25 g.c., which was mailed before Christmas, so glad I didn't kill myself trying to find the perfect gift.

course maybe she did send something and it got ate in the mail system?

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Linnybop,not wanting to hijack the OP's thread, however....you would not buy someone a gift just because they've downsized their list and you don't receive a gift in return? Gift giving should be from the heart not because of necessity.

Oh I know that sounds really nice in theory----but come on, the reality is that we swap girfts. If somebody stops giving you a gift, you are going to continue giving one???? Not in the real world does that happen

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That is not always true! At least not in my family.

We knew that my dad was not sending any of us gifts this year. We still all sent gifts to him.
We will continue to do so. He is still my parent.

I agree! DH and I haven't received a gift from his folks in probably 6 yrs. now. We still get them something.

I never get a gift or card from my brother or my 25 yr old son and they both make more than us,but I still give them a gift and card every year. I never expect anything for Christmas ,Except a smile.

Not at all, I will still buy them a gift, but I will no longer bust my butt thinking about what to get them (they are so hard to buy for), and then do the wrapping, and the shipping. These are DH's parents-his feelings are a bit hurt. Iactually felt a little guilty for just getting them a gift card this year, but from now on, that's what it's going to be....or a fruitcake.

You all got me on this one. My mouth is still dropped in shock. You still give gifts to people who don't show you the respect of giving you anything after you continue to get them something?? I don't know where the line crosses from being a good person to something else.

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This is what is wrong with the world - giving is just that - giving - nothing expected in return. I don't think it is a sign of "respect" to give someone a gift. Christmas has been ruined by this type of greed and commerialism.

That's sad! A gift doesn't need to be expensive, anybody can afford to give some kind of gift. Why would any 25 year old man accept a Christmas present from his mother but not give her one, especially if he has more money than she does? My feelings would be hurt. I'd ask him why he does that because I'd want to hear the answer. Does he give Christmas gifts to other people?

No, I have not seen him give a christmas present to anyone else in the family either.

Well, that good because it means it's not a personal slight. Really, I think that if a son is going to accept an annual gift from his mother, he should give her one too but if this arrangment works for the two of you, then there isn't a problem.

I can see that the expectation of getting a gift back may be looked at as greed....but what about repeatedly taking a gift
and giving nothng back? Isn't that greed?


Now there is a difference in giving a gift to someone who needs it. When my grandparents were alive, I would weekly drop off a bag of groceries containing some treats that I knew they would not buy for themselves. I would make it part of my visit, claiming that I had all these free coupons and I couldn't use everything that I picked up. I certainly expected NOTHING from them in return. But I have different feelings about people taking gifts as a part of an organized ( so to speak) holiday celebration and not returning something that would show love...affection...respect to the giver

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I assume these people are not asking for a gift, you are opting to give one. There is not requirement for you to give a gift, you are presumably doing it because it makes you feel good, you enjoy it, it is fun for you. That is the reason for giving a gift.

Taking a gift that is offered and thanking the giver is not greed, it is good manners.

If you don't like to give someone a gift, but they give you one and it makes you feel better to give them one too, then that is ok.

But if someone doesn't give you a gift and you derive no pleasure from giving them one, then stop giving them one.

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I wouldn't want someone to feel obligated to give me a gift - I give my gifts with no strings attached, and I hope that the people who exchange with me are giving to me in the same spirit.

I think it would be the ultimate insult for a gift recipient to REFUSE a gift - that would be 1000 times worse (IMHO) than just taking a gift year after year without giving one in return.

I definitely don't consider gift exchanging a matter of "respect" on any level. If the gift recipient doesn't feel moved to give me a gift, I don't want to corner them into doing it anyways just to show me respect - I'd rather get nothing in return than a guilt gift. But I NEVER want someone to refuse my gift!

I give each and everyone of my clients a gift for christmas and their birthdays and I do not expect anything in return except them being pleased by what I gave them. I dont givr gifts just so that I might get one in return. It has never been that way with me.

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I am shocked people would even think to mention to someone else that they didn't get a gift from them. DH and I give out gifts every year with the expectation that the person we give them to, enjoy them.......thats it. DH has nieces and nephews that are in their late 20's and early 30's and we not only buy their kids gifts but them as well. Some of his nieces and nephews can not afford to do the same and buy us anything. I am truly fine with that! I would never think of cutting them out of my Christmas shopping list just because they didn't give DH or I a gift. Now some years they do buy our DS (6) a gift if they can afford it, if not I am not losing any sleep.

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I buy a gift for my brother every year and do not get one back from him. It doesn't bother me at all. The reason I do is because he lives across the country form us, our parents are both gone and I wanted him to have a gift to open at Christmas. I send a gift rather than a gift card because I want him to have something to open instead of just a card with a GC in it since for a while, I think this is the only gift he got. He now has a girlfriend with a family and they have a nice Christmas, but I have not stopped yet. Now I send something for the both of them. I do not expect anything back because he is not the most thoughtful guy, but every year on my birthday I get call and a song from him without fail! That means a lot to me too. More than a gift.
Last year a sent gifts to a some friend that we never exchange with. They live half way across the country and from talking on the phone we knew they were struggling financially. I sent them each a gift and some cheese and crackers. It got there right before Christmas and he told my DH that that was the only gifts there kids got that year. I had no idea things were that tight! I was truly glad for all the deals that I get because of all the wonderful shoppers in this board!

Sorry, but I would be absolutely heartbroken if my grown daughter didn't care enough about me to remember me at Christmas

Geez, how much effort does it take to pick out a really wonderful card and even just a "token" gift (although you said they both make more than you so that's not even an excuse)

If a family agrees not to exchange gifts, that's a totally different story.

OP, I sympathize with you.

We used to receive a gift from a family friend every year. One year, we didn't get one, not even a card. I was worried it got lost and wanted to say something but DH said to say anything because if they hadn't sent anything, they would feel bad.

well, I guess she did send something and we only found that out because years later she mentioned why she didn't send gifts anymore: because we never acknowledged the gift she sent us (that we never got). It's a touchy subject to bring up.

We also thought we had a present/card "get lost" at our wedding because we knew a couple came and didn't see anything. You know how easy it for a card to get lost,slip thru the table, etc. So, we sent them a note thanking them for coming but to let them know we didn't see a card and/or gift from them. They told us they didn't give us one LOL I was embarrassed but if I had given someone a wedding gift and didn't get a thank you, I would be ticked and if the gift were lost, I would want to know.

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Call or write her. Tell her because of your long-standing tradition of exchanging gifts, you were concerned because you had not received yours. Ask if it is possible it was lost, or if you should continue just looking for it in the mail.

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If the gift was to be sent in the mail, I think it's perfectly acceptable to say something if you didn't receive anything. You just have to word it carefully so as not to sound like you're 'entitled' to the gift. The mail/package delivery is terrible these days. If I sent a gift and it didn't arrive, I would like to know about it and do something about it. I would rather say, 'Sorry, we weren't able to send you a gift this year', than to send one and not find out it didn't arrive. In reality, you should contact the person in advance and decide either to not exchange gifts or at least let the person know that you won't be able to send a gift.

Sarah.............mom to Jason & Devin

Thanks for all the suggestions. I agree that since we had a tradition of exchanging gifts, she should have notified me if she didn't want to continue. I think I will contact my cousin and mention that I didn't receive anything.