Hello Everyone,
Thought some of you could give me some advice or let me know if you are dealing with a similar issue -I'm at my wits end! My husband and I have been married for about 11 years and have one daughter. About 5 years ago my husband was in an accident that left him with some damage to his back. We have tried so many alternatives less surgery as he really doesn't want the chance of making it worse! He has tried medication (stopped taking due to addiction and causing mood swings), tried acupuncture a few times, seeing a chiropractor, deep tissue massage, expensive mattresses, etc.. Now my problem stems from the fact that he is very young still 34 and so I know this is going to get worse, possibly very bad. And I hate to say, but I am not the most sympathetic person when he bites your head off because he is having a bad day.

How do you deal with this sort of situation. Your way of handling the stress, gaining patience??

Any guidance, wisdom, help would be appreciated!

Has he seen a doctor that actually deals with chronic pain patients? There are specialists in that area that might be able to teach him how to deal with this.

As far as you yourself, I can only suggest sitting down and talking with him about it. As much pain as he's in, he needs to understand that it's not your fault, there's nothing you can do about it, and his taking it out on you is going to cause serious problems in the long run. If he's having an especially bad day, perhaps the best you can do is to simply avoid him or, if that's not possible, make up your mind that you're not going to take it personally and you're not going to react. In some ways, it sounds like dealing with the two year old's tantrums and, as you know, giving in to them or responding to them only makes them worse.

I wish you much luck. It must be very hard on you all.

I know many many people are afraid of back surgery, but my Dh had his spine fused, two ruptured discs repaired and some kind of herniation taken care of three months before my wedding. he injured himself at work (modular home factory), and at the time was twenty eight. he decided to have the surgery, and has been working as a carpenter, and exercises daily at the gym.
I just wanted you to know what we did (DH is now 42).
I wish you luck and happiness....
PS>>>>we bought a used hot tub when we built our house (still have it), and dh swears by it....its fun to take a glass of wine and take a dip in the winter too.....
good luck

Chronic pain specialist!

I will tell you what a chronic pain doctor told my mother--Taking the medication does not mean you are addicted. The medication allows you to maintain some sort of quality of life.

Since you don't mention specifically what his injury is, I can only give you general suggestions:
*Ask his Orthopedist/Neurologist (assuming he has seen a Neuro doctor???--If not, HIGHLY recommend it) for a referral to a back specialist. There are several Back Institutes across the country that specialize in backs. These facilities are usually on the cutting edge of treatment options. And there are SEVERAL new treatments and/or surgical solutions that weren't available even LAST year!!!!
*Find a Chronic Pain Mgmt Specialist. These doctors not only offer medication treatments, but ways to cope with the pain (such as biofeedback, specialized physical therapy, external TENS/Inferential units, etc). They also carefully monitor medication usage which usually includes signing medication contracts, random drug testing, etc.
*Consult a therapist--not only for him (it's proven that there is direct link between pain and depression--if you have one, you are more susceptible and likely to have the other), but for you as well. It's difficult dealing w/ a family member who has a chronic condition. You need to learn how to cope with the stress in the best manner that will allow you to be supportive of him, but also take care of yourself,

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

I had/have chronic pain from a herniated disc in my back for several years. It caused nerve damage in one of my legs and my leg would go numb and have alot of pain in certain areas. I see a Neurologist for this and have gone through physical therapy, have a TENS unit for pain and take Lyrica which helps with the nerve damage. The thing that absolutely helped the most is steroid injections in my spine (I was totally against them for the longest time, then when I couldn't get up or down or move without help even to go to the bathroom, I decided I would try it) , the first time I had them I had six injections, after 3-4 days I was PAIN FREE for about 6 months, then slowly the pain came back. I had my second set of 8 injections in December and most of the time I am pain free, there are still s few days when I work hard or lift too much or overdo it and I am in pain, but for the most part I am in no pain or in very little pain. Has your husband had steroid injections at the site of the pain? I know that not all neurologists can do them, mine doesn't do them, but she is in practice with her husband (also a neurologist) who is able to give them, he can also do the testing with the needles to find nerve damage, I had to have that done also at one point. I am not a big fan of pain medication because of the possible addiction issue with pain medication, so the steroid injections are a good alternative for me.

I deal with my dh disease day by day. He doesn't have chronic pain (heart disease). Some days are worse than others. You treat him the way you would want him to treat you (I know sometimes that is hard to do). The way I look at it I had rather have him here with me than 6 foot under

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Brenda

GO #24 JEFF GORDON

My DH and DD both suffer from chronic depression and do wonderfully on medication, MOST of the time. My DH has had 14 major depressive episodes where he cannot work, etc. I won't bore you with all the details. He also suffers from arthritis which leaves him in constant pain.

After 32 years of marriage, this would be my advice: Chronic illness is like a roller coaster ride, but for the sufferer. In the beginning we all feel sympathy and empathy and hop on that roller coaster with them. Good days we are up, bad days, pain and doctor's visits, and we are down.
It is important to retain your sanity, and emotional well being by getting off the roller coaster. It does not mean stop being kind, but it means taking a step back and being supportive, but not getting crippled by proxi. I found I HAD to get out with friends, or alone, to get my nails done, or go shopping, or visit relatives and go to lunch, ANYTHING to get some fresh air. It was the healthy way to strengthen myself to be able to be supportive again. I think it is the way to be less codependent or perhaps in my case a way so I didn't want to either divorce or strangle them, lol.

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I think you have some excellent advice from the other posters. But do you have statistics on how likely it it that surgery will make it worse? Did the surgeons give you that info? If not, you need to find out. And as someone else pointed out, when was this given to you? It may be out of date now.

If he has moods swings regardless of the whether he is on pain meds or not, then perhaps it is not the meds causing the mood swings. If he is not on pain meds and is biting your head off, then it may be depression as much as the pain.

I'm a person who will endure a lot of pain to avoid surgery. But after I'm to the point where I actually do the surgery, I always wonder why I waited so long. Do some research and find the best doctors and answers you can and try and get him better, whether it's by surgery or some other means.

People get in a rut, even those in pain. They are reluctant to make needed changes because they have become comfortable with the way things are. It may be time for you to push both of you out of your ruts. You owe it to all of you, particularly your daughter.

Keep searching. I would almost bet there is help out there. I wish all three of you well.

I can't tell how much it warms my heart that people care! That may sound a bit silly but it really made me feel honored to have you give me advice.

I am also excited to say that after hearing what you guys spoke about my husband and I got together with our marriage therapist and discussed many of our/his issues. To the credit of my therapist she really got on him on not accepting what he has for all these years - almost giving in to the pain if you will. And he has. As many of you suggested some options. I can say that he has had injections done on his back but they did little to help if any, he also has seen back specialists and neurologists ( the best) but the main thing in all of this is this was done/researched years ago! Can you believe we have both given into this pain monster?! I'm disappointed in both of us for not staying active in the fight, huge wake-up call! Going back to the therapist session...she gave us some local doctors numbers, some homeopathic suggestions, and mostly hope that there are always new advances in this area. My dears my husband went into that meeting with doom and gloom on his face and after about the first 1/2 hour he was smiling and it looked like so much weight had been lifted and most importantly he seemed to have some hope back again.

So I can't really express my thanks, you guys really gave me some hope back again, thank you!!

My husband has had a lot of back pain. His has been of short duration, but still difficult for him and for me. He read the book, Healing Back Pain-The Mind-Body Connection, by John E. Sarno, MD. He has found this book to be very helpful.

I have chronic pain due to a failed surgery of a ruptured disk in my neck and then later diagnosed with fibromyaglia and arthritis. I see my rheumatologist every three months, am on prescription meds (and yes, I could get hooked on them, but I'm not). Like my rheumatologist says, 'don't wait till the pain hits you, hit the pain with the drugs first!' And it's true. You've got to stay ahead of the pain. I've had chronic pain for now around 10 years. You have to learn to manage it. You know what you can do and what you can't do. Believe me, there are MANY things that I want to do but know if I do them, I will pay for it later. But sometimes I just have to do it and pay for it. That is my own fault. But you still have to live! I do flower gardening and some veggie gardening but learn how to do it the 'right' way for me. I can do a lot of things but they have to be the right way that I can do it.

You learn to say no too. Your husband needs to see a pain specialist and not be afraid of the drugs he's given. Also it doesn't hurt to find some sort of exercise to do. My doctor tells me to walk, take a hot shower in the morning and a hot bath at night, hot packs 4 times during the day and take the meds.

I hardly ever mention my pain to anyone, even my DH. He knows when I'm having a bad day. He's my supporter and my protector. In the evenings a lot, he'll draw me a bath or put a couple of big cups of water in the microwave for a hot water bottle for me. He knows I'm in pain. But I try to live life without making my husband and family miserable being around me. No one would know I have chronic pain because I try not to dwell on it. And when he's down with pain, I help him.

I think it is different for men with chronic pain. I really do. They need the 'mothering' (or want the mothering).

I suggest you take your husband to a pain specialist and also a physical therapist who deals with chronic pain to show your husband HOW to do things to not aggravate his pain. They have therapists who will show a person how to do things like laundry, dishwashing, general household chores to lesson the pain.

Support your husband but don't be a crutch. There's a big difference. But he definitely needs to see a doctor (neurosurgeon) and talk to them about the chances of surgery. Mine just happened to be a failed surgery. (The disk was ruptured again within a couple of months). But not all turn out that way. They could possibly do the surgery and he'll be feeling a lot better afterwards.

But do talk to him, too, about NOT talking and groaning about being in pain. There's nothing worse than having to hear about someone talk about their pain all the time. (My MIL is like that -- you can't carry on a conversation with her because the talk of her pain is constant and she's really in good health!!) It's very frustrating to hear it, so have a talk with your husband about that. But definitely go see the right health professionals. Life is too short to live it without trying to control the pain!!

I wish you and your husband the best.

I think it would be great for him to read about someone else going through something similar, thank you!

MOM2TWINS2 - great advice here from you: "I have chronic pain due to a failed surgery of a ruptured disk in my neck and then later diagnosed with fibromyaglia and arthritis. I see my rheumatologist every three months, am on prescription meds (and yes, I could get hooked on them, but I'm not). Like my rheumatologist says, 'don't wait till the pain hits you, hit the pain with the drugs first!' And it's true. You've got to stay ahead of the pain. I've had chronic pain for now around 10 years. You have to learn to manage it. You know what you can do and what you can't do. Believe me, there are MANY things that I want to do but know if I do them, I will pay for it later. But sometimes I just have to do it and pay for it. That is my own fault. But you still have to live! I do flower gardening and some veggie gardening but learn how to do it the 'right' way for me. I can do a lot of things but they have to be the right way that I can do it. "

Definitely finding "the right way to do something" is key. He is young as I mentioned and wants to do water rafting, mountain biking and he just shouldn't do that stuff so we need to find the things "he CAN do" so that he can find some things to occupy extra time he may have.

Thank you for your story, I wish you and your family well too

So much good advice here!
I had some back probs 20 years ago that made it impossible for me to care for my first 2 kids, under the age of 2yo. It killed me to have to do it, but I put them in daycare (only because my sis worked there) for a short time.
I had a small herniation of a disc, but it totally knocked me off my pins. I had the injections and pain meds, but eventually with rest and exercise it was resolved.
Today I still have the same herniation, but it gives me little to no probs on most days.
Currently I am recuperating from double knee replacement surgery, and one knee has been more problematic, (read: waaaay more painful) than the other.
It has been very, very, very hard for me (as the boss of the house ;-) , to accept sooooooooooooo much help from other fam members. After all, I am the mom, the one who keeps things running smoothly. And I have not been able to do it the way I am used to doing it (and I'm a hs'ing mom to boot, so it has been a great source of angst for moi-self)
I have allergies and severe negative reactions to pain meds, and a femoral block that didn't work, so pain meds are pretty much outta the question for me.
My salvation during this time has been my TENS unit, but it's been hard to figure out how to dress so that I can be hooked up to it in public... I have one pair of denim overalls and 2 dresses that I can hide the wires from unit to my leg with and have no noticeable crud to contend with. I have to walk with a cane in public, a great humiliation for me intitially, but I'm cool with it now. I know it won't last forever. (or at least I hope that will be the case)
I have often said to dh in the past few months that pain is my evil Siamese twin... it's always there, something I always need to consider, and I hate it!
I thought the pain from my old back probs was the worst I could experience, I was waaaaaay wrong.
Since having to deal with chronic pain I have become acutely aware of how it has had an impact on the entire fam, and it just kills me at times. My fam (dh and 5 kids) have been stellar in taking care of me, I never coulda gotten to the point today where I can sit at the puter and share this w/y'all w/out them. But I still have had emotional difficulties because of it all.
I will be going both to a therapist shortly and my PCP to work out a better way to deal with it all, just can't bear to have my fam take up so much slack for me. (yes, I am type A all the way ;-)
My TENS unit has been my salvation, but it is not always the best thing for certain situations.
I've done the chiropratic route, meds, TENS, intensive PT, nutritional supplements, etc. Have an appt. for an acupuncturist cuz at this point I figure what do I have to lose by trying alternative sources. I'll try darned near anything at this point to get as close to normal as what I used to consider a normal way of living. And I dearly want to relieve my fam from the burden I've put on them, as well as the emotional strain it's been for them. They have never, not even for one second, complained, but I want to be there for them as much as they have been for moi-self.
As the person with chronic pain I can tell you that your dh may be dealing with gobs of shame, depression, and frustration at being where he is.
Get yourself outta the house at no less than once a week, you need it to be able to keep things on as even a keel as possible.
My dh travels a lot and feels guilty about it, I think it's one of the best things for him. And when he comes home, I make sure he gets to his scouting meetings at least once a week and his men's prayer group cuz I fear if I kept him by my side 24/7 (like, in my baser moments, wish he were ;-) our fam would totally fall apart.
Pain centers are the best, they can give you so many more resources than a pcp can, and the emotional/mental part of chronic needs to be dealt with head on, don't let it wait.
I know that eventually (please God, make it so!) my chronic pain will resolve itself, this is just a temporary situation, even if it takes many more months to resolve.
For your DH it may be a lifelong challenge.
Take care of yourself *FIRST!!!!* so you will be able to meet the challenges of dealing with his stuff, he will thank you in the long run.
Praying for you and yours,
MZ

Momziller you are one strong woman!! It sounds like the reason you have so much support from your dear family is because you are one heck of a lady!! You stay strong and hopeful, things will improve. thank you for the hope and advice, I will def take some time out for me and my daughter as needed

I think it may be harder for men to deal w/chronic pain than women because most men's identities are so tied to their jobs, to how they can provide for their fams. I have been blessed with some truly remarkable kids and a DH who is, after 31 years of marriage, a real life Prince Charming. Most folks I've known don't have it that good, I know I'm more blessed than any human deserves to be blessed..
As the person in this fam who is currently living w/chronic pain, I know how much I wish it wouldn't have negative effects on my fam.
For a man I suspect it might be even worse.
I do whatever I can do on any given day hooked up to my TENS unit, or from the couch, or my bed, or a chair. I can get accomplished, even at the barest minimums, daily tasks with the help of DH and kids. I don't like it (not one stinkin' lil bit!), but at least I can see material proof that I'm not as useless as I may sometimes feel, things that I feel are my responsibilities get done, even if it's only by me barking orders from a corner.
For a man who makes a living by going out to a job and suddenly finds that the pain overrides every other thought in his brain (pain as the evil Siamese twin you can't escape, remember?) , thus making his role as *provider* outrageously difficult if not downright impossible, this has got to be a killer for a man.
If you can convince your dh to get some counseling/therapy for all the less than happy, happy, joy, joy feelings he's living with, it might be better than almost anything else you can do for him. Might not mitigate his physical pain, but if he can learn to deal with his emotional pain it could only make things better for your fam, doncha think?
Please try to remember that a person living with chronic pain can feel tremendous guilt and depression over their situation. The person you always knew and loved may appear to have disappeared, but he's still there, trying very hard to crawl out from under the 24/7 of unrelenting pain.
I want my fam to live as normally as possible (as if my fam could *ever* be described as normal, bwahahaha! ;-) even though our current fam dynamics aren't what we used to know as normal for us. And speaking as a person currently living w/chronic pain, I love it when fam members get outta the house cuz I don't hafta feel guilty about not being like I used to be, and I can freely moan and cry and scream with nobody around. Trust moi, it's needed both for the person with pain and other fam members.
I think it's also important to try and explain daddy's condition to your daughter. Kids have a hard time seeing a parent feeling unwell, and to see the parent that was so loving turn into a snapping turtle can break a lil kid's heart. If you can explain things to her in terms she can understand, you will be teaching your daughter compassion and how to be resilient, as well as the value of folks who don't act the ways we think they should act.
When I was younger many of us had grandparents living in our homes who were not the same jolly or loving folks we grew up with, but we all learned that those grandparents were still precious to us and they just plain ole couldn't help but be the miserable and time consuming old farts they turned into.
About 13 years ago my DH broke a hip and Prince Charming turned into a monster for awhile. The depression and anxiety that his chronic pain engendered were almost as bad for him as the chronic pain. I had 3 young kids at the time who I needed to remind that *Fun Daddy* was hurting, and I had to constantly remind them how they felt when they had bad boo-boos. It was a real eye opening experience for me. Fortunately, after several months (as opposed to the years you've lived w/your dh's pain) things gradually improved. However, he has never been the same since that time, will still experience periods of pain. This was a man who lived for physical activity ( broke his hip in his 40's playing soccer, used to play semi-pro soccer for decades). It was only with the help of docs who convinced him that pain meds for chronic pain was not gonna make him a junkie and some very good therapists that he has been able to re-gain his Prince Charming status. Still..... I think once a person has lived for extended periods w/chronic pain, even when it eases up, a lot of help is needed to get on with life and accept whatever differences that may entail, cuz even the most minor types of any kinda pain can give birth to anxiety over whether or not the worst times will return..
Hang in there toots and remember the first commandment of living with a person who has special needs: Thou shalt take care of thyself FIRST!
MZ

Momziller, you hit it on the head. he really needs to help himself first if he wants to feel better. Today he is supposed to make all the necessary appts with doctors and such, so I am excited for some outside help. I think it really helps when he can openly talk about it with professionals and hear that they will try everything they can do to help his condition.

Our marriage has been rocky for past few years and we have realized that we really can't focus on the marriage when theres a big elephant in the room, you know? So first things first and we will go on from there. This is a learning experience for me and my daughter that it teaches us a great deal of patience and empathy. Which is a hard thing to teach someone, esp a child. Maybe she'll go into the medical field!

Anyway, thank you for sharing such personal things about you and your family. Your words give me help and make me smile