First a little history:
My SIL and I were really good friends a few years ago, but not so much the last 4 or so. There was a huge family fight and yes we see each other on the holidays and can talk on the phone, but it's not like it was and it won't ever be. SHe's still mad at me and I try to be nice, she puts no effort into it.

Now yesterday my FIL tells my husband that by BIL is leaving (my SIL and DH are siblings) he doesn't love her anymore. They have had problems and honestly she is a bitch (that's what the fight was over and I just have a big mouth and told her so). I don't know how he put up with her this long, so it really isn't a surprise to us.

My IL's are just devastated, he is an awesome guy and dad and I can't imagine the family without him.

My question is should I call her? Email? Express any sort of support anything? I just bought the new Stephen King book and read it and though of maybe putting a little note in it and leaving it in her mailbox, that was one thing we had in common, we both loved his books.

They did go to a counselor at least once and he is still living in the house. I don't know if the kids even know, they are 12 and 7.

What do you think?

BTW my mom and dad had 5 divorces between the 2 of them, so that part isn't new to me, but I"ve never been on the other side.

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"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked." ~ Bernard Meltzer

I think I would leave it alone. You already called her the B word and if she is still upset about that statement, nothing you can say can make it better. And, it looks like you still thinks she is a B and the husband is a nice guy.

Also, you do not know if your sil knows that her husband has talked to the family. Just stand back and wait.

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Lyn Clarke

I disagree with Lyn, I say you send her a thinking of you card. NOT and e mail. A hand written card. Do not mention the past or the fight you had. Just let her know that you are there for her if she needs a shoulder to lean on.
Divorce is not easy and people have a tendency to shut out those that are going through a divorce. It can be a very lonely time. It does help to know that someone is thinking of you in times like those.

Regardless to her being a bitch or not, she is a person with feelings.

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GO TONY!!!!!!!!!!! # 20!!!

She will always be your dh's sister whether she's always married to the same man or not. With that said, I say reach out to her. I just went through a divorce and it's a difficult journey even when both parties want it. Many times people do distance themselves from those going through a divorce because they simply don't know what to say or do. Trust me, she may still be upset with you, but that extra kindness you can offer her right now may be the force that strengthens your relationship with her. And even if it doesn't, just know that your kindness will be more appreciated than you may ever know!

I think the opinions of those who have gone through a divorce are more important than mine , but based on the feelings/opinion expressed toward the SIL in the note, I would agree with LynClarke. Unless you can put those feelings to bed or are good at being "fake", I say leave it alone for now and let the news come out and then decide what to do.

cj/

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I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. -Emo Phillips

I would leave it alone as well. Any card or note, not matter how sincere, *could* be seen as fake and an attempt to rub her face in a bad situation. Wait until she tells you personally....not just thru the grapevine

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Proud to say I haven't shopped at a Wal-Mart since Sept 2003

Sorry to hear this. I think divorce is tough on not only the married (soon to be divorced) couple, but, there extended ring of family and friends as well. One thing that struck me was when you said you can't imagine the family w/out your BIL. Why does he have to be "out"? He is still the father of your SIL's children, and uncle to your children. I wouldn't write him off just because he and your SIL are dissolving their marital relationship.

MIL and FIL divorced but maintained a civil relationship, as did FIL's family with MIL. Everyone was invited to all the "family" things. MIL never really speaks ill of FIL, which irritates me, because I know he has said some awful things about her.....and everyone else, so I guess that is just him. Anyway.....back to the ??? at hand. If you feel comfortable writing a note to SIL , then do it. Perhaps along the lines of "XXXX, Frank and I recently heard that you and BillyBob are considering divorcing. We're very sorry to hear this, but, understand that sometimes this is for the best. I know we have had our differences in the past, but, Frank and I want you and Billy Bob to know that we still love you both, and will continue to do so, and will try to provide you both with whatever moral support we can. This applies to little Johnnie and Jane, as well, as I'm sure this will not be easy on them. We are, afterall, all family, and families support each other thru the thick and the thin.

Or something like that....I'm sure once you get writing it will come out the way you want it. I am a big fan of being honest.....if you don't really want to provide moral support, then don't put that part. Oh, and I would send a note to BIL, too. Seems if he's such a great guy, you'd want him to still be a part of yours and your kids lives. Good Luck.

JMO.

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Doing the right thing isn't always the same as doing the easy thing.

Wanted to add to this that if you are the type of person that WOULD be kind and extend compassion to SIL (and you DO strike me this way Flipper ) then do it. I try very hard to be the kind of person that I am, regardless of how someone else is. Some days are MUCH harder than others.....believe me!

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Doing the right thing isn't always the same as doing the easy thing.

she obviously does not know how to keep a man.

Mama (cough, cough....as I think we ALL know you're someone else) while sometimes your little comments are funny, please learn when and where to interject your little joke comments

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Doing the right thing isn't always the same as doing the easy thing.

To me...this makes ALOT of sense! You really don't want her to think that you are rubbing her nose in her bad circumstances but as long as you are married to your DH, she IS family (even though you think she's a b*tch!). If you are sincere in your feelings that you feel for her and her situation, I would make and attempt to reach out to her. As allinaugust said, let her know that families support each other through thick and thin, good times and bad times and that no matter what you and your DH are there for her. I would do this with a hand written card. That way...you will have attempted to reached out to her and HOPEFULLY she will appreciate it.

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Mom to a beautiful 15 year old DD and my handsome little man who's 6!

~~~GO DALE JR!!~~~

Obviously keeping a man locked in the cellar doesn't qualify knowing how to keep your man but hey, to each their own.

Whatever floats your boat.

Agreed. Usernames created to make controversial comments is one thing. Being bitchy with a username just to stir the pot; when someone obviously has a personal family issue that they are truly looking for advice and help is another.

I have tried to make things better betwen us and it depends on the day if we get along, she just doesn't make any attempt and it drives me crazy (her dad and his sister didn't talk for over 10 years at one point too, so I guess it runs in the family with them). I don't want her to think I am rubbing her nose it in at all, I honestly want her to know that if there's anything we can do, help with the kids, an ear to listen, then we'll be here for her. Family is family.

I was going to write a nice note and leave it in the book for her, I don't want the kids finding it either if they don't know what's going on yet.

ANd I know she doesn't have more than 2 friends, so she has got to be lonely in all of this. She had to be hospitalized when he told her, I guess she was pretty surprised with the whole thing.

Thanks for all of the thoughts too, it's a sticky situation and I don't want to make things worse for her, so the opinions are really helping.

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"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked." ~ Bernard Meltzer

Good luck Flipper....... Hope it all works out for ALL of you!

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Mom to a beautiful 15 year old DD and my handsome little man who's 6!

~~~GO DALE JR!!~~~

Flipper, I just want to add that despite the fact that she doesn't try to get along with you, I think it's very nice of you to still want to reach out to her and offer any help you can. It would so easy to just write her off but the fact that you're putting thought into how to handle it, what to say and how to help shows you're a great person.

Reach out to her, Flipper. Whether it's a card, or a note in the Stephen King book, it's a very nice gesture that I'm sure will be appreciated. My sister is going through a similar situation with her husband, and it's amazing to me how his family has not tried to reach out to her at all.

I haven't done anything yet, DH called his parents and they think it'll be ok for me to call her. It gives them a chance to warn her too, so I don't catch her off guard and she knows I know.

Another developement too, apparently he's seeing someone. A long time ago, he started going to the "gym a lot and wasn't home very often, so this is all really making sense now. And they think the oldest daughter knows, not hard to figure out when Dad is sleeping in the basement.

What a mess. I can't imagine the things running through her mind.

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"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked." ~ Bernard Meltzer

You just never can tell. You misjudged your BIL. The 'awesome guy' turns out to be just an average cheat. Could you have also misjudged your SIL? Could she be a witch because she's handling her marital problems poorly and lashing out at the wrong people? It sounds like they have their hands full and I'd stay out of it until I knew for sure how things were going to work out.

I've seen so many cases where the couple made up after telling everyone horrible things about their spouse. The funny thing is that they seem to be able to forgive the most terrible things about each other but can't forgive other people for hearing the revelations they shared while they were going to divorce. I don't know what kind of people your BIL and SIL are but I do know that a couple who are still living together stand a good chance of reconciling. I think I'd wait until I was sure the divorce was really going to happen until I offered support to either one. Sometimes, people don't want to spend much time around people who know the details of the bad times and if they do reconcile, they may not want everyone to know that they were ever having problems. I'd wait to be told about the divorce from them before I said or did anything, just in case the divorce turns out to be just a bad patch in their marriage.

[quote=cougarskies;2947132]You just never can tell. You misjudged your BIL. The 'awesome guy' turns out to be just an average cheat. Could you have also misjudged your SIL? Could she be a witch because she's handling her marital problems poorly and lashing out at the wrong people? It sounds like they have their hands full and I'd stay out of it until I knew for sure how things were going to work out.

QUOTE]



You got that right, the BIL part at least. My SIL is one of those who are better than everyone else and I can't stand how she would brag and rub our noses in her FIL's money. They got thousands every year from them and would treat everyone like dirt because she was better than the rest of us. Nope, that's pretty much right on the money. ANd she is one of the most unhappy people I know, nothing makes her happy and I think that would drag anyone down after a while. She has so much and it's never enough, so maybe that's why she lashes out at people ,she wants them to be a miserable as she is and we're not.

Anyway.....we called her on Friday night, we were getting CHinese for dinner and she lives right down the road so we invited her and the kids. They didn't come, she said they really don't like Chinese, but she was really glad we called, DH said you could tell she was crying. He asked if there was anything we could do and she said break his legs.

I bought her a card to send from me personally, now I have to think of something good to write in it. Just a "if you need me" card.

I do wonder if they will get together, she obviously doesn't want a divorce. And I can't understand how he just thinks he can leave? That's it, I don't love you sorry?

I don't know, you would think I would understand this after all of the divorces I've seen in my family, but I don't.

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"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked." ~ Bernard Meltzer