I know that many of us here have children, grand children, neices and nephews who have given us hell. My son has been no exception. Lately I have tried my hardest to be a better mom to him. I THOUGHT that things were going well.
I left for vacation last week. Spoke with him the night before we left and he said he would call me later. I did not hear from him despite sending him messages and calling him. i have literally called him 100 times in the past four days because I was getting worried. I have checked his cell phone bill and saw that he has been making and recieving calls so I know he is around.
For whatever reason, he wont talk to me, he is ignoring me and treating me like ****... Literally ignoring your own mother for WHATEVER REASON is just unacceptable.
I have called around to check a few of his stories and found out that, shockingly enough, he lied to me, my mom and everyone around him. It is sad however that he believes his lies...
I have tried... I have given him everything possible and I sit here in tears wondering why he is treating me this way. I have only in the past month tried to help him. I have researched GED classes so he doesnt have to attend a school he doesnt want to, I have set him up with FREE counseling, got him rides to all his appoitnments and HE still ****s on me.

I am done with this. I have written a letter to the social worker and his magistrate to let them know taht I need to seperate myself from all this. I need to not be a part of all this drama anymore and do not deserve to be treated like this by anyone. (His father has physical custody so I can easily remove myself from this...) However how bad does that make me as a mom....

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GO TONY!!!!!!!!!!! # 20!!!

((((((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))) I am so sorry you are going through this what your son. I think you have done all you can for your son, I wish I had something to tell you as to why he is doing this to you. I am just hoping that maybe if you seperate yourself from him over time he will realize what he is missing and come back to you a changed person.

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~~~~**Maryann**~~~~

I just got a firm grip on reality....
Now I can strangle it

Please know that this does not make you a bad mom - short of smacking him upside the head - which you would get in trouble for - this may be the wake-up call he needs. My prayers are with you and your family.

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Mary

I don't think this makes you a bad mom. Only a very loving mom would do what ever it takes to help their child. So if this is what it takes, then do it.

Your son (and maybe others) might not understand now but they will in the future... Tough Love is hard, especially with your child.

I have used the tough love approach with my brother and after 2+ years it worked. We are still best buddies. Lots of tears, but I have him safe and healthy now.

You and your family are in my prayers,
Diane

You are by no means a bad Mom for needing to step away from the situation. I have always thought It takes an extremely tough but loving person to be able to step back from a situation. I will say some prayers for you and your son.....

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Nicole

I can't even imagine what it must be like for you. I'm very sorry.

It sounds like you've done your best in this recent situation.

Perhaps you can write him a letter (and keep a copy fo yourself) reminding him that you love him, but you aren't going to allow him to treat you this way. You're here for him when he's ready, etc. At least you would be putting the ball squarely in his court, without any last yelling, or words said in the heat of the moment. Perhaps he'll keep the letter and reflect on it from time to time, and come around when he can treat you the way you deserve. Perhaps not. Either way, you'll have done what you can to communicate your final thoughts in a clear and loving and fair way without being interrupted or growing frustrated as can happen in a heated discussion.

Best of luck to you - I've never been there - so take it only for what it's worth. Thinking of you!!!!

I think this is very good advice. Make sure that you keep yourself open to him when he needs you, but don't fall so far away that you become estranged from him.
I would try and think of a healthier way to be involved in his life, but not falling into the trap of him feeling as if he can use you and abuse your feelings. (ie. send him cards and gifts on occassions, keep the offer open for for him to come see you, or come over to hang out at your house).
Don't stop helping him in the ways that can help him (counseling), just don't go out of your way to the point to where you are frustrated if he doesn't take you up on your offers.
My guess is, that he isn't necessarily meaning to treat you like crap, he just is saying that he is attempting to sever the apron strings-in his own teenage hurtful way.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. He'll do what's right when he is ready. Right now, he is just being very rebellious. It does hurt like hell when they act this way and is very hard to understand. Even the best of kids, with the best of parents, go through this period, albeit in different degrees.

Writing a letter... excellent advice. It can be very healing for yourself as well.

You are strong to do this. Hopefully if a few years from now, your son will actually come to appreciate all that you have tried to do for him.

I know it's been a tough road for you. You are in my thoughts.

Have you ever watched the show on A&E called "Intervention"? It's on Monday nights. On this show, the family and friends involved have to have tough love for the one they care about. Most of them have been enabling the person. They love them and think that they are helping them...all the while this person just keeps crapping on them. I don't think you are a bad mother at all...You have done all that you can and finally have had enough. I don't think that you are expecting too much by wanting him to return your phone calls. I don't think it's right that he worries you like this, but that just goes to show you that he is being selfish and only cares about himself. He's not worried about your feelings or what he's putting you through. Because he knows that you will always be there for him and you will accept any behavior that he feels like dishing out. I don't know if he's had a substance abuse problem or not. Maybe he hasn't...Either way, it doesn't matter anymore. I've never had to deal with anything like this, so it's easy to sit back and say "cut him off...forget about him..." I know that you love your son, but there comes a time when you just have to say enough is enough now. I really think that talking to a professional would help you. They would help you learn to deal with his behavior towards you and you wouldn't feel so guilty. I hope everything works out for you...hugs. ~Lisa

they don't call it tough love because it's easy Good luck to you. This is NO WAY means you are a bad mom!!!! Excellent advise given.

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Proud to say I haven't shopped at a Wal-Mart since Sept 2003

I don't understand your post. You said his father has physical custody. You left for vacation last week. He didn't call. You said you just started helping him in the past month.

Is he with your ex-husband? When did he/courts decide who he should live with? Was he living with you when you left on vacation? Did you leave him by himself? Why do you need to separate yourself from him if you just started helping him a month ago? So I'm guessing he's under age 18?

I'm not trying to flame you. But I honestly don't understand your post. To me it doesn't make any sense.

He has lived with his dad for the past three years or so. Got mad one day and decided that he didnt like my rules. Thought is would be better at dads. Custody was changed then. I have been helping this kid for the past three years to keep his life together. He got expelled from vocational school, "withdrawl or be expelled" from another district, sent to detention center twice, and refuses to go to the "special school" that he was sent to.
What I should have said about the last month is "THe only thing I have tried to do is help him"

I am working on the letter though... not getting far through the tears.

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GO TONY!!!!!!!!!!! # 20!!!

Op sorry you are going through this...and good luck to you. I know someone who has 4 children and has these problems with one - frequently arrested for one thing or another, vandalism, fighting, drugs, etc. I don't feel like it's my friend's fault or that she is a 'bad mom' on the contrary imo she has been a great mom. One of her 4 children chose to go down the path of drugs & lawbreaking. The other 3 went to school, on to college, jobs etc and never caused any serious trouble.

One thing I wondered...if you are paying the phone bill (you mentioned you could check his calls so I figure it's part of your cell phone plan?) and if you gave him a phone so he could keep in contact with you..and he won't...well, if it were me I would turn off the phone until I came to an agreement with my child, that he would call once a week - or whatever timeframe/rule you set...I would definitely not pay for phone service for a child who refused to call me. I would turn the phone off, and you can always turn it back on if he shapes up.

Enabling and helping are two vastly different things. I would suggest that you look within and try to figure out whether you were "helping" or "enabling".

I would suggest therapy for you. I don't think you are a bad mother/parent, I do think you have some issues (and sweetie, most of us do!). I think that possibly your issues and possibly any issues you have had w/ your ex, has effected the relationship with your son. You cannot fix him, you cannot help him--until he wants to be helped. However, you can "fix" yourself and help yourself. And if this son is not your only child--you need to get yourself together for your other children.

Again--I don't think you are a bad parent. I do think that we, as parents, have things we can learn that help us communicate and deal with our offspring. I have yet to see a "perfect" parent that didn't have some area they could improve upon. But not being perfect does not equate to being bad...

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

I don't think letting go of a grown child who's causing you constant misery makes you a bad mother. Actually, I think it's long overdue! You've made lots of posts about your son and his horrible behaviour and in each one, you're in tears and confused as to why he treats you so poorly. I don't know what kind of mother you were when he was a child and I don't know why your son made the choices that he did but he's an adult now and they're HIS choices. Hopefully, he'll change his ways and become a credit to society but if not, there's no good reason for you to sacrifice your sanity while he continues in this vein. Separating yourself from his drama will alleviate some of your stress and may ultimately help your son.

I agree that therapy may be helpful to you. You seem to be very conflicted and it might be a good idea for you to try and sort out your feelings so that you can find some peace. Good luck!

I have been where you are in some ways. Toughlove is important but only takes you so far.
You and I have PM'd before, on another issue, so email me if you would like. I have no advice but can tell you some things that helped me. :-)

Prayers

Linda