My niece Megan is 16. She lives with her aunt and uncle. She and a bunch of her friends snuck out of their houses, went into Indianapolis and went to a midnight showing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Her aunt and uncle took her car away for a week and told her next time they would sell her car.

She is a good kid who made a mistake and I think the punishment fits the "crime" but nieces grandmother is giving her aunt and uncle (who have full custody of her) a hard time becasue they were too easy on her.

What would you have done?

(by the way, this is my DH's sister's daughter and she is living with her father's sister and brother-in-law...and the grandmother is her father's mom)
(Wow, not sure if I can even follow that!)

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Nutella,....
proving some of the best things in life come in a jar.

the punishment sounds reasonable to me. I'd have to tell grandmom "thanks for your input, but, I think we've got it under control". Now, "if" she does sneak out again, they HAVE to sell her car, as they said, or she will learn that they will not follow thru on their discipline, and she'll pull something like this again.

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Doing the right thing isn't always the same as doing the easy thing.

I think that the punishment fits the crime. It sounds like this was a first time offense and I assume that they weren't drinking or anything. Sometimes if you come down too hard on teens, then they rebel more. It's all about finding the right balance.

I'd tell grandma that they sat down with the teen and had a good heart to heart about responsibility and trustworthiness and leave it at that.

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I agree...punishment fits the crime. I do agree that if it happens again, they MUST sell the car. Everyone makes mistakes...and honestly, I can't say I wouldn't have snuck out to see RHPS...it's a great thing to experience!

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Remember the mom who sold her son's car because someone was drinking in his car?.... She said she would do it and she did.........Kudos!

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I think the punishment fits the crime, but I probably would have taken the car away for a longer period... probably a month. But that is just how I would do it with my kids - a week sometimes just doesn't get the point across!

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I also would have taken the car away for a month, not a week.

She would have been in a lot of trouble if that was my kid. Sneaking out of the house for a MIDNIGHT movie -- way too dangerous for a bunch of teen-age girls.

What time did she get home? How did she get caught?

If it were my kid and she rarely did something like that, I would have just pretended I didn't know and let her get away with it.Seeing a midnight movie with a group of girlfriends sounds harmlessly fun to me and being sneaky about it probably made it that much more funner for them,lol. Now if they had snuck out and went to a bar that would be different.Then yeah,I'd probably take the car away for a month or more.

I think the punishment fits the crime BUT I'd also want repayment for the gas used and ticket price and would make a chore list that the girl will do in all of her *free* time during the next week or longer, if necessary - Spring Cleaning (ie cleaning windows, bathrooms, etc.) - at minimum wage rate per hour.

My teen son (who also is a really great kids, so far!) learns lessons best if it hits him in the wallet AND this seems like a natural consequence from the financial aspect.

And then, there is the trust issue.

Well.....I did in fact do the same thing when I was 17!! I didn't sneak out of my own house though. I slept over with a friend (because it would be easier to get out of her house than mine!) and we went to see Rocky Horror! It was the best! We had so much fun. Neither set of parents found out until about a month or so later when another kid got busted and ran her mouth that we were there (we were never friends with the little scank anyway so.....it was no wonder that she shot off her mouth when she got caught). So...basically a month after the fact, I didn't get my car taken away but I could only drive to and from school and to and from work (though sometimes we did seem to WORK OVER alot!). ((The best I can remember, the punishment lasted for about two weeks)).

IMHO, if the girl was just at the movies (no drinking or alcohol involved) then taking her car for a week was very fair. I have a 15 yo and know she will do dumb stuff like this, too. I dread it! But...it's part of growing up. Repeat offenders though do need stiffer punishments! The worst part for me--it took a long time for my parents to trust me again!

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I'm more prone to Cuthie's deal.
Then again, I can't help but recall a story about my own mother.
Her dad (my grandfather) was a beat cop. One night when she was 17 yo she snuck in after her curfew, thought she got away w/it, and he didn't say one word.
Several months later when it was time for her senior prom, her dad set her curfew at either 11 p.m. or midnight (can't remember exactly). When she vociferously protested, he reminded her of the time she broke curfew, didn't own up to it, lost his trust due to her sneakiness, and therefore was going to face the consequences *now*. He told her that sooner or later infractions would be found out and he wanted her to be honest right from the git go.
My mother lived with her parents till she got married, and never again tried to pull *anything* over on her parents ;-)
I have tried my gf's method on several of my kids and it works!
I'm more lenient than my gf, but still... sometimes ya just gotta let the kids hang themselves w/their own rope, iykwim. It's ye olde natural consequences deal.
MZ

First of all, how do they know this was actually the 'first' time she sneaked out? This is the first time she got caught!!!

I'd have taken the car a bit longer than a week. Grandma may be right!

I think this was a proper punishment and I would have did the same thing if it were one of my older sons who did the same thing.

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I would have taken the car for a month from the little we are given. Lying is not tolerated in my house, this was a lie. I do not see it as harmless fun. She is a minor. She was out after midnight. She did not have permission. Did she fess up or was she found out? Was she driving the group? Did the other parents know where their kids were? There are too many other variables that are not disclosed.

I agree w/ dolly. Esp if she's a good kid who doesn't get into trouble.

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I'd make her get her belly button pierced

dl

I think I would have handled it a bit differently, not because I think what she did is so horrible, but because of the danger involved. She is a young girl, going to a big city at midnight, to a place with adults. Someone could have put a roofie in her drink or any number of things. If she had snuck out and gone to a friends house or something, not such a big deal, but the RHPS is not where I would want my 16 year old daughter at midnight. Without a chaperone.

I would have handled it as a trust issue too. Loss of the car because I cannot trust you to be responsible. Loss of unchaperoned time at the mall or whereever, until she can prove she can be trusted.

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OK I thought about this for a while before I answerd.

First I looked at it in a mothers point of view. Then I looked at it if I did that as a 16 year old, and the punishment that was given.

First- As I mother I would have grounded her and taken the car away for 1 month, No going out,tv, music Ect. Would have explained to her what she did might have been exciting ect but so many things could have happened to her or 1 of her friends and it was not a mature thing to do, so she is treated like a child and grounded.

Second- Thinking As the 16 year old that just did this and had a blast with my friends and almost got away with sneaking out, and only getting the car takin away for 1 week was so worth it and since the punishment was not that bad, would probably do it again if giving the chance or maybe try to get away with it better next time. or to even do something more daring.

I think If the punishment was more severe I would not do it again as I would remember all the trouble I got into.

As a sneaky teen myself at of time, I remember things I have done and most of the stuff I remember are the ones I really got in trouble for, Yes it was fun at the time, but it seemed to stick out in my mind more as I remember the big trouble I got into after.

As someone else said, This might have been the 1st time she got caught. Wouldn't you want her to think about how much trouble she got in before she tries to do something again the next time?

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This is actually how I even know about it. Friends of ours were at the same showing. Megan has babysat for these friends a few times (I actually think this is how they knew this theatre showed Rocky Horror). She came up to our friends and asked them to take her home. The group had decided to go to Denny's after and Megan was really worried if she was out too much longer she would be caught. I know our friends took her home but not sure how she actually got caught.




mom2twins2: I never said they think this is the first time she snuck out. I can not imagine punishing someone for something you think they MIGHT have done in the past....or adding more punishment time to THIS offence if they think she MIGHT have done it before.

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Nutella,....
proving some of the best things in life come in a jar.

sounds to me like she's pretty smart and the fact that she asked to be taken home even knowing the friends knew the family and she could get caught makes her seem great to me.

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"Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God? " ~Epicurus

And I said you didn't know how many times she's snuck out in the past and NOT gotten caught. And I didn't say to punish her for something that might have happened in the past. Taking a car away for a week is nothing to a 16 year old. Good kid or not (and those 'good' kids can really fool you!), there are so many things that could have happened to her out there. Tell her to read the newspapers and look at the TV of girls missing and murdered. They always think it won't happen to them. Like I said before, grandmother is right.

P.S. What happened to her parents that she's living with aunt & uncle?

One word...DRUGS (on her mom's part)


You are right, a week is really nothing in a teen's life.

She has a job and school. There is no bus service where they live, so maybe Chelle and Brent thought it would be punishing themselves more then her if it was longer since they have to take her to work and school?? I don't know. hmmmm

It is interesting to get different points of view though.

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Nutella,....
proving some of the best things in life come in a jar.

Forgot to say; I think Grandma shouldn't give her opinion... especially if the girl is within listening distance.

I think it's appropriate-but perhaps a bit longer w/o the car. I did the same thing as a teenager-same show-I got caught too! Daggone RHPS!!!

I probably would have taken the car for longer than a week, also. That said, I don't think the punishment was inappropriate - I just think it was slightly too lenient.

What I do have a problem with is when this type of behavior is referred to as a MISTAKE.

How is it a mistake if the kid knew right from wrong, and chose the latter? I don't think it's a "mistake" when a kid knowingly does something sneaky and goes behind their parents' back. A bad decision, a poor choice, yes. Mistake? Not even close. Use of the word 'mistake' when referring to something that wasn't an accident makes the behavior seem like no big deal.

Devinmom - I might look at it as a "mistake", or lapse, in judgment. I think that each of us probably makes mistakes in judgment or behavior every once in awhile.....something we wouldn't normally do, we know isn't quite right, but our anger or our emotions or whatever get the best of us. That I would call a mistake.

Just a thought - FWIW,
cj/


ETA: I think I'd go two weeks with the car AND cell phone (if she has one) off limits. I would personally not make the threat about selling the car. Quite frankly, it is highly advantageous TO ME to have my teen have a car, so I would be hard pressed to follow through on that one.

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While I wouldn't use the word "mistake" when someone does something wrong deliberately, I'm definitely with you on the point that anger/emotions get the best of everybody once in a while. What this girl did was probably just this type of thing. She sounds like a great kid.

1 week sounds fair, thats longer to a teenager then most of us adults "remember" after all to them its practically eternity!

Personally, I think that if thats the worst thing she's ever done/been caught doing - they're pretty lucky. In today's world, sneaking out to see RHPS with a few girlfriends is pretty tame.

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I think I would wait awhile and see if she tried it again, let some time pass and let her think she got away with it and I would start setting little traps around the house in the dark before I went to bed. Like string some cans or some kind of noise maker to let me know when the doors are being opened. If she didn't do it again I would still act like everything is fine and then a day or two later after she is confident I would say Oh yeah, BTW I am taking your car away for a month and the phone privelages are suspended as well, when she asks why? I would say I don't know why don't you tell me??If she tried to play dumb I would keep questioning until I got a confession. My daughter would snap because she is a terrible lyer!!

LOL, my parents tried to pull something like that on me only I caught them before they could catch me. While I was peeking out the window waiting for their car to pull away I saw my dad tie a string across the openings of the door outside.It worked ,as far as I didn't go anywhere but I would have.I never liked staying home by myself when they went bowling because it was too spooky,and the lights would always mysteriously stop working.I use to sneak out and go over to a freinds house until just before it was time for them to get back.

Since they have to take her to work and school, as further punishment (and this would hurt more), have the girl pay them for the mileage to take her to work and school while she doesn't have her car. We did that with one of our sons, who would 'conveniently' forget his books and leave them at school (he then couldn't do his homework). That lasted only a couple of times because I made him pay ME mileage to take him back to school to get his books!!! Amazing how quickly he started remembering!

LOL!! oh my gosh that is the best!!!! LOL!! I will paas that along

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Nutella,....
proving some of the best things in life come in a jar.

I agree with the punishment. It would really scare me to think that I thought my child was safe at home and really was not!

I tend to be the type of parent that has strict curfew rules, but will occasionally bend the curfew for something special depending on where it is and who it is with.(If I am asked and not them sneaking out)

>>>have the girl pay them for the mileage to take her to work and school while she doesn't have her car<<<

LOVE IT!!! This is a classic example or *natural consequences*. If her folks couldn't drive her she'd pay a heck of a lot more for bus fare, cab, train, car service, etc.
And seeing as those aren't options, the current GSA POV mileage re-imbursement is $0.51/mile. That plus the cost of gas (for what the vehicle mileage is) oughta make a biiiiiiiiig impression. (one can always hope, eh?) I think I would also add on the cost per hour of the driver, if only using minimum wage to figure out the driver's cost per hour.
With older kids I have found the best way to hit em hard enough is through their cash flow.
We have a kid right now we've been urging for years to get his license, and I think I just may implement this deal.
MZ

This is a great idea.