I don't know what else to do with my son. He is 19 and due to graduate high school in May. He has Aspergers and it seems the closer graduation gets the worse he gets. Today I get an e-mail from the school about his IPOD. They are allowed to have them at school, but my son gets out of hand with his. He plays air guitar and sings out loud. Well apparently during his last class today he was singing loudly and the teacher told him to stop. Well he refused, so security was called on him to escort him from the class. Any time they call security on him he REALLY GETS UPSET!!!! Well, he gets home and refuses to talk to me about it and locks himself in his room. So I removed the door handle. No more lock! He then finally opened up and said everyone at school hates him. They make fun of him, etc. He even talked about killing himself. This upset me tremendously!!! He says he feels alone and has no friends. I tried to point out to him that wherever we go kids from his school are always saying hi to him. I told him that by always wearing his IPOD, no one can talk to him if they wanted to. Needless to say the IPOD is not going to school again and as soon as I get it back from the school I'm taking it away until graduation. He only has to pass English to graduate but has a full course of classes. He refuses to do any work in the other classes. I am okay with that, but the teachers are NOT!! I just don't know what to do. I wrote the assistant principal and told him I wanted my son in the counselor's office immediately tomorrow. I also contacted the head of the special ed department and told them how disappointed I was with their assistance with helping my son find a job. That is a whole other area too. But they told me last January that his senior year they would assist him with employment and this year I get this response that they are too busy to help everyone!!!!! I have issues with the school, but my first concern is my son's well being. I do not have medical insurance or I would take him to a psychiatrist on my own. This week is the AIMS, state, testing and this causes a LOT of anxiety for him, but in the state of AZ he has to take it because of the no child left behind crap!! Sorry this is so long, but I am at my wits end. I know he can do this and graduate, but how are we going to survive the next month and a half???!!! Unfortunately I have not found very much info on Aspergers or autism for young adults. I guess my son is amoung the first to approach this age range and there isn't anything out there yet. Well thanks for letting me vent. Anyone have any tips on how to manage this situation?

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(((((HUGS))))) As a mom, my heart just broke for you reading about your son! I am so sorry your son is having a rough time. I understand all too well about the cr** No Child Left Behind and the failures it has placed on the children it was designed to help! In my state, we too have the state testing. The whole school year is based on teaching the test. It's ridiculous!!!! Your son might be feeling the extreme pressure that is placed on the kids to pass the exams.

Do you have it documented in any sort of IEP or official meeting about your son's placement in a job? If so, the school and district would be out of compliance. I would contact the head of special ed in your district and tell them about your son's school experiences this year and what transpired in school today. Even if it is not documented ,there must be some sort of protocol on transitioning students like your son to be able to function in the world. Once again, if you feel the special ed department is not being helpful in your son's school, contact the head of the special ed department in your district. If that get you nowhere, I would contact the National Autism Association (local chapter) if they have names of free educational advocates that can help you with dealing with your son's school and helping your son with the transition to a job, college, etc.

Best Wishes to both you and your son. I hope he feels better in the morning. Please give us an update!

Just found some resources for you. Hope they will help.

Asperger Parent Network - Special Ed. Advocacy
Carolyn Warden - President
15821 S. 35th Way
Phoenix AZ 85048
(480) 759-6329; (480) 288-1245; (480) 759-4065 (fax)
Email: RainMom@cox.net
Web: Asperger Parent Network
A 501C3 parent support network providing resources, referrals, on-line support and a full spectrum of advocacy, special education and training services.

This is a link to a whole list of resources for you.
Arizona Yellow Pages for Kids with Disabilities

Best Wishes for a great outcome for your son!

I just want you to know I have a 20 yr old aspie son. He is finishing his 2nd year of college. It will get better ! Hugs to you !

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My heart is with you.. I have a 17 year old who I am convinced has some mental issues however no one will treat him. He has since dropped out of school and is going for his GED.
GOOD LUCK TO YOU!!!

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GO TONY!!!!!!!!!!! # 20!!!

I have no advice for you, since my Aspergers son is only 7, but wanted to send you well wishes and good luck!

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Struttin' our stuff for everyone.
We're not here to start no trouble.
We're just here to do the Super Bowl Shuffle.

I did not know what this disease was, I had to go look it up. I can offer no advice on how to help your son, other than to say that if he is seriously mentioning suicide, I would get him to a hospital immediately.

I do have a question...from what I've read, people with Aspergers have no IQ impairment. In other words they have the same intellect as any one else they just don't see the world quite the same as others...Is that right? My question is, except the English he needs to graduate, why is your son blowing off all his classes, with your approval?

My 17yr old graduates next month also - I know the stress he and I am under - it doesn't compare to your stress level. Hang in there!

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Mary

I would guess that he is "blowing off" his classes with her approval because all the other issues just pile up. He needs to graduate, he doesn't need those classes, just the English. Sometimes things get so complicated we need to pare down to the essentials just to make it through.

This mom needs our help, not judgement. I know the feeling. Do what you can....not what everyone expects of you.

I know I probably spoke out of turn, sorry crzy4cpns.

Melissa

Joyx3, Thank you so much for the support link. It will be very helpful. Also thanks momrajum for explaining so well the situation we are in with classes. I believe my son's acting out yesterday was definately due to extreme anxiety he is feeling. We talked last night about what is causing some of it so I think that helped. Now I know why there isn't much help out there for Asperger's kids my son's age. They are just now starting to get to this age with diagnosed kiddos. It says Asperger's basically was founded in the early 1990's. Anyway, today is better. I was up until 2 am crying. Nothing hurts like when your child hurts. Because of the pressure he is feeling to graduate, it has nothing to do with his intelligence. This is why I am focused on just passing the English. Now the school is trying to tell me he has to pass economics as well. I told her he only needed the one semester unless I am missing something. I was able to contact Voc Rehab today as well and they do their intake AFTER graduation. Not sure why that is, as having a plan would definately allieve some of this stress. I would have let my son stay home and "miss" the AIMS tests today except that he only needs to pass the Math now to "officially" graduate by "their" standards. He only missed passing the last time by 4 points. I am hoping he will pass this time. If not, they will make him exempt from having to pass to graduate. This puts SO MUCH PRESSURE on these kids. Thanks for your support here. I will keep you posted.

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My husband's best friend is almost 30, and shows a lot of signs of Asperger's/low level autism. Of course there's never been any diagnosis, but he's terribly shy, and only comes out of his shell around a few people. I know he's happier and more productive when he's around people who support him, and who he feels safe with, but finding those people is NOT easy.

Anyway, my point, I guess, is that some social contact might be really helpful. Right now, we have all sorts of autism awareness, and the ability to talk to people online, without dealing with awkward face-to-face contact, or being stuck in conversations we don't like. Would your son feel comfortable looking up groups of similar people? Certainly, it would give him someone to vent to, and the contact would probably do him good.

I found Asperger Syndrome Livejournal Community
He'd need to sign up for an account, but that's free, and simple enough. Searching for 'asperger's,' 'autism,' and 'aspies' brought up a lot of other possibilities, too.

Address the suicide threat first. He is and adult at 19 and let the state pay the bill under the Hill Burton act

Here is a great link that I do go to once in a while....... Asperger Friends
It has links for colleges, teens, and young adults and adults.

I teach multiple handicap kids and I do have a few Asperger kids....
Does your son have a counselor or someone he can talk to outside of school? How and when was he diagnosed? I cant believe you have no information on Asperger's.

Is your son mainlined in classes or special ed classes?
I can understand the teachers frustrations. They are there to teach . Not to let a child slide by.
I not only teach but I have an hour a day that I teach social skills. Believe me , these kids need that!

Good luck to you!

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I feel for you. My son is PDD-NOS under the spectrum of autism, a freshman and this is the first year he's really had a friend, well actually he has three friends. He has always said kids call him weird, gay, strange. He says it doesn't bother him but I know it must. He's had his PE clothes stolen twice, his IPOD stolen from a friend who denied it to everyone and just yesterday, right in front of his face his so called friend asked to see his phone and then three other of her friends joined in and played keep away and then all of the sudden no one had the phone. The school's response to this is he's not suppose to have the phone or the IPOD there so it's his fault and they can't do anything about it. I'm past frustration. When I was in school if one of four had something, everyone was in trouble but now it's more like the law, we can't prove it so sorry. Just hang in there and keep the faith!

sandy

I'm having trouble writing this because I could write a book about how much I understand what you're going through. Your son- iPod, my son -cell phone!! It's taken me a while but I realized my boy doesn't have an 'off button'. He could use a cell or iPod like his friends but doesn't know when it's not appropriate to be using it anymore. This past year, I've been trying to show him what he's doing and how he needs to change some habits he's gotten into.

I see that it's HIS perception of a situation that can get him into trouble. It's such a chain reaction. He'll do something but maybe do it a bit too long, then, when someone (like a teacher) makes an issue, he gets embarassed and tries to act cool but it looks to the teacher that he's being stubborn and won't listen. That's where a melt down might occur.

He and I have had many talks about how to act in a given situation. I've had to watch my wording so he doesn't feel stupid. He fights the Asperger diagnosis and says 'I'm normal'. I'll tell him, Yes, you are normal but you just do things a little different. You can do the same as everyone else but have to come from a different direction to accomplish the same thing. He's okay with that description. I now see him consciously trying to correct a few things such as, making eye contact and trying to find his off button.

School has been a nightmare and we've had to battle from the beginning. My hubby is on the school board and has really gotten far at educating our administrations and teachers. Our boy is mainstreamed with the option of going to the Special Ed room when HE feels he needs it.

At the beginning of each school year, we send a letter to each teacher, defining Aspergers and how it shows up in our son. He has trouble understanding directions and . . . forget tests. He can study for hours and when he takes the test - nothing. I guess his retention is only good when the word Nintendo is attatched. (He can tell you when every game came out, what company made it and the differences between every single one). History . . . not so much!!! The tears and the battle to study just aren't worth it.

We live in a small town so these teachers are getting used to us. Everyone fought me but I said, to me, the most important thing is for my son to save face. He will quit, if he thinks he's dumb or in the 'dumb room'. After a lot of battles, his teachers now grade him, and the other LD (learning disability) kids, different. When he gets a C+, that's bigger than any grade a honor roll student gets!!!!!

We realized these teachers had no clue about Autism and alllll the spectrum that goes with it. This year, due to my hubby making an issue, our teachers had to have a couple hour seminar explaining what Autism is and why these kids do what they do and how to help and actually make a difference. I wish every school would do this because, even in our small town, we have at least a dozen or more Autistic kids and each one is at a different level of learning.

Forget that No Child left behind - help our teachers learn what's going on right in front of them. As for all those testings, we had to fight to make them not apply to Special Ed kids in the same way. If they did, my son would be 30 years old and still in 7th grade math!!!!!!!!! He would take the tests with all the rest but would just automatically be passed instead of forcing him to do them over and over. That's like blood from a turnip - not gonna happen!!!!

My son is in 11th grade this year (we held him back in 7th grade due to really bad grades and teachers that threw their hands up), and is holding mostly a C average now. He's discovered photography is a way for him to express his feelings so it's an A in art. He's also in Track and Cross Country which give him pride in himself. (He doesn't run to win, he has fun and the most important thing to his is to not end last. He doesn't want to have the pressure of being a winner because people will expect if from you all the time. There's that Autistic logic!!! It's also a sport where he is basically on his own. He didn't do good in a team sport like basketball.) Our whole goal right now is educating him in a way he can live independantly. I don't care if he knows how to do Algebra , I want him to know how to balance a check book.

Sorry this was so long, I just understand. If you feel like venting, my e-mail is: kysys@yahoo.com

Hang in there!

Also, there are some great, and very helpful books out there now. I can give you the titles of the ones that helped me the most.

I could have written the same story a few years ago. My oldest DS was the same way. It has just been in the last few months that I have discovered that he may have Asperger's. Their stories are almost parallel. He is going to be 25 soon and Asperger's wasn't ever talked about even though we had been to many doctors and counselors. We went through all the medications for ADD, but that wasn't his problem so they never helped.

Even now while he is on a great path, its always been hard for him. If there is a hard way, he will take it.

We have talked about how I think he has Asperger's and I think he may agree with me now that he is learning more about it. Once he got out of school, which I never thought he would do, we tried college, work and the military. The military is what saved him. He was injured in Iraq and was medically released from the army, He now has a great job and a wedding coming up soon.

Never give up. While he is an adult, he still has times that things are hard for him and I try to be there without interfering in his life.

Good luck. John Robison, author, photographer, automobile aficianado...among other things. This is a great book about Asperger's in adults.

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Thanks to everyone for the heartfelt responses. My son was not diagnosed until he was 12 years old. He had also been diagnosed as ADHD and took many different medications. It is explained so well here how HIS perspective is. The school just doesn't get this. I told his advocate that he thinks all the teachers hate him and pick on him. She basically discounts his feelings and says other people get in trouble too. He SO NEEDS help with social skills. I've always wondered how you teach these skills to someone since most of us automatically have them. And oh my gosh, is he STUBBORN!!! I've tried telling the school this goes along with this Asperger disorder, but none of them believe me. I will just be so relieved when he graduates!!!

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Well, as if earlier this week wasn't enough. I got an e-mail today from the school that my son was doing better without the IPOD, BUT, he was in trouble for hugging girls at lunch!! I can understand the problem with this, however does ANYONE at this school know what Asperger's is and what it is all about???? HELLO, NO social skills!!! So for his punishment they have come up with him having to be escorted to and from EVERY class by his advocate. How embarrassing and humiliating is THAT????!!!! This is so he will be in class on time and also to make sure he doesn't "touch" anyone. Apparently the girl hugging has been going on a while, but no one bothered to let me know there was a problem And now they are saying this could be considered "sexual assault". I tell you, I can't win. I feel like I can't do anything right, and my son is NEVER going to graduate this HELL HOLE of a school!!!

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crzy4cpns,

I understand your frustration and can imagine your son feeling humiliated being escorted around, but maybe there is a silver lining here? Maybe this will keep him on the straight path so he can graduate and go on to the next stage of his life.
You have, what, a month or so left in this school year?

I am sorry you are going through this and feel bad for you all. I wish I could help with some advice.
Thanks suskie and powellrj for sharing your stories.

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Real eyes...realize...real lies.

I met with the principal and special ed department head on Friday. I do not believe they will be enforcing the escort punishment. I explained how embarrasing and humiliating this would be for him and that his self esteem is already very low. The department head agreed so most of his "punishment" will be lunch detention. I asked them how they would punish a "normal" student and was told lunch detention was what they normally do. God help me get through 5 more weeks!!!

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Dance like you do when nobody's watching.

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