My 15 year old daughter has had a boyfriend (16) for almost a year now. They go to high school together and hang out on the weekends either at my home or his parents' home. He does not have his license so either I drive them or his mother drives them back and forth. (My husband thinks there is something wrong with a 16 yo boy who doesn’t have his license—but at least I don’t have to worry about her being in a car with a young driver) We have accepted him into our family (as his family has her) and he goes places with us and celebrates holidays with us, etc. His mom is getting remarried this summer and has asked my daughter to be a bridesmaid. He seems to make her very happy and that in turn makes me happy.

They seem to have the regular high school relationship "hiccups" every now and then but for the most part, they get along very well. They come from very different socio-economic and cultural backgrounds and while most people were shocked that they liked each other, they are now considered the "poster board couple" at school.

My daughter's boyfriend's best friend (another 16 year old guy) is what most girls call a "player" and he frequently cheats on his girlfriends and cant sustain long-term relationships. (I'm not making any judgment calls here . . I'm just stating the facts as relayed to me) So because my daughter's boyfriend hangs out with this “player” guy frequently, he has in the past been labeled as a "player" and "guilty by association." However, he has always declared his innocence and faithfulness when it comes to his past relationships and there are people who attest to his honesty. My daughter has always trusted that belief but has kept her ear to the ground just to safeguard herself.

Now, it changes. Two months ago, she heard a "rumor" that he might be "talking" to another girl (That's what they call it now when a guy wants to start something with a girl). She asked him about it. He got mad and broke up with her stating that he didnt want to be her boyfriend if she didnt trust him (after 11 months of dating and after he bought her a very expensive diamond necklace (which he couldn’t afford) and wrote her beautiful love letter) He really laid the guilt on thick even had his mother talk to my daughter about trust issues. They continued "dating" just not "in a relationship" and remained close as ever throughout and ended getting right back together a week later. She was an emotional wreck during that week and vowed to work on her trust issues.

Last month, again another rumor about "talking" to another girl . . same thing a breakup of the relationship with continued dating so that they could “realize how much they love each other.” (Oh brother!) This time it lasted a month and then back into a relationship. Throughout this month they celebrated their year anniversary as if nothing had changed – only the terminology describing their relationship—however, for a girl it does mean something. I know my daughter was very cautious and nervous throughout that month until the relationship was reconfirmed. He denies any wrongdoing with any other girl. Again she was an emotional wreck throughout the whole period.

Now three weeks later, she hears a rumor that he actually cheated on her during that month of dating—and during the week of their one year anniversary. How much bad luck could one guy have ?? I mean three different girls are making up vicious lies about you?? Really? There are no rumors about her cheating at all.

At this point, I am so tired of seeing her hurt. I believe there is truth in this pattern of "rumors" I cant say anything or my daughter goes ballistic on me. I think deep down she knows these rumors can't all be false but she has such deep feelings for him that she refuses to believe it. (I wish she hadn't fallen so deep for him -- they talk about their future together all the time and I think she really believes there is a possibility for it)

Obviously, she tells me this stuff (or I wouldn't know the detail) but I have to wait until she is ready to talk about it. I'm sure she doesn't tell me everything because I have expressed my opinion in the past stating that she shouldn't be tied down to one guy her freshmen year and that she needs to focus on her studies.

I hate to see my daughter in pain. Her high school years should be fun and not so drama filled like these last two months have been. I truly believe that he has feelings for her and probably wants a relationship with her. I know she helps motivate him in school and in considering college, etc (something he had difficulties with before dating her – she is a highly motivated advanced student). But I know that guys think differently from girls and that hormones rage at this age.

Any advice from other parents? How can I support and give good guidance to my daughter? Its so hard to watch your child suffer. Do I just have to let her go through it until she finally gets hurt enough to walk away? I have always liked this boy, but I am starting to feel anger and resentment.

NOt that I have much advice, but I was in a similar situation that lasted all four years of highschool. He was a year older than I, thus a grade ahead - when he graduated be became engaged. I stayed close to home to go to college - he choose not to go at all. One night I went to surprise him at work as he was closing up and found him naked with another girl "cleaning". It took four years of the same thing to beat it through my head. Honestly my mom tried to talk but it just drove a wedge that won't ever be removed (even ten years, a marriage and four kids later!). I would say pick up the pieces as they fall and continue what you are doing now. FOrcing a break up or indicating that you don't like "the love of her life" might be worse. My two cents...

PS: Encourage her to keep any jewlery and not to flush it down the toliet no matter how angrey :-)

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saraedawson@yahoo.com

Mommy to Jake, Alexis, Abigail and Joshua, Wife to Matt

I would just tell her that she needs to make a decision because it is her life and tell her to think about how she wants to spend the rest of her highschool days happy or miserable. Tell her you aren't going to interfere because trust me you need to stay out of it unless he starts abusing her physically or something serious then I would be on it. Maybe she should start dating other guys?? Just to see what else is out there. That right there could open her eyes.

Personally, at the age of 15, she has her whole life ahead of her. I think as a mom, I would ask why at this age she would be so connected to someone. Does your daughter have low self esteem? If so, maybe counseling would be good for her.

Is she involved in school or sports? If not, maybe this is what she needs.

I am a mom of a 19 year old and 21 year old and I can tell you it's hard to sit back and watch your children get hurt. Just be there for her.

Young Love...what can you do? A year is a long time for kids this age to be together and the BF probably wants to stretch his wings - on the other hand your DD is content the way things were.

Breaking up really IS hard to do especially after a year, which is FOREVER at that age - It is so hard for you to watch this but really, if you butt in and tell her she needs to just "move on" you will be the bad guy - all you can do is be there for her. Be prepared for melancholy, lots of tears and probably anger outbursts.

Fortunately it's almost summer and school will be getting out, they won't be forced to see each other everyday.

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Mary

Is she still going to be in the wedding? I think you could discuss this with her, and that might be a starting point to a larger discussion??

Personally, I would have a problem with his mother discussing trust issues with my DD. I took it as she "scolded" her for NOT trusting her DS. Not to mention, maybe his Mother's ideas of trust issues are different than what you would like your DD to know.

Wow, please don't take this in an insulting manner, but, could it be that your DD has self confidence issues??? and therefore, keeps going back to this guy? He seems to throw a temper tantrum at the mere mention of rumors of his cheating. Hmmmmm..... now, granted, being Moms, and having "been there, done that" ourselves, we can see these things.....getting our DDs to "see" them, another issue. I can only relate this to how my DD would react, based on past reactions-of course, and I would try to explain these things to DD, and how young she is, she has PLENTY of time to meet lots of different boys and see how different boys treat girls differently (read: there will come along another boy that will treat her better ) I would also emphasise to her how "absence makes the heart grow fonder", and the phrase "if you love something set it free......"

Remember, it is ultimately HER decision, and she has to learn from her own actions. Of course if he were beating her or something,, that is a Parental Overrule in our house.

Ahhh, the joys of teens and high school and hormones.

Best of luck to you.

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Doing the right thing isn't always the same as doing the easy thing.

In my teen years, anything my mom would say about my relationships was in one ear and out the other. We usually have to learn the hard way. I dated a guy once we mom thought was slime. I heard a "rumor" he took another girl out. I asked me, he said it was his cousin from out of town (and my brain told me he was lying but young love...I gave him the benefit). So, I decided the only way I would really know if meant all the loving things he said to me was to set him up. I got with a girlfriend of mine and asked her to make a play on him. She balked at first but ultimately, she did and he ended up taking her to an amusement park. She told me she was going to go but I needed proof baby! I told her to make sure they either rode a ride that took your picture or did the booth that took your pic. She did and I had the proof to simply break it off. I never told him why....just said "we're through" and his jaw dropped.

My feeling is that if the *rumors* were about your DD and the roles were reversed, he would have the same reaction as her...he wouldn't ignore them I would bet. Trust is hard in high school because ultimately, most guys want to play the field (according to all my guy friends back in the day). It's a time to find your self and see what kind of person you really want to be with. Sounds like the BF is trying to spread his wings which isn't entirely bad...only it involves your DD which sucks.

good luck. Whatever you do, DON'T say "I told you so". My mom did that once and I never talked to her about my friends or BF's until I was engaged to be married. I STILL burn up thinking about it

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Proud to say I haven't shopped at a Wal-Mart since Sept 2003

Thanks to everyone for reading my story and offering advice. I can’t tell you how important this is to me and how much it means that you are willing to share your ideas with me. I appreciate your honesty and candidness!!

This made me smile!


She is a cheerleader and plays on the soccer team. She is also on the media team and holds a reporter and anchor spot on the high school’s bi-weekly television show which airs locally (rare for a freshmen), she is a debater and won six out of eight tournaments this year. She is on student council, Girl Scouts, Relay for Life team, and Model UN. She gives speeches in front of groups all the time. She has all the confidence in the world in her intellect and abilities as a leader.

She is absolutely knock out gorgeous (I’m not being biased here, I swear – just another reason why people were shocked at her attraction to this boyfriend because he is just average – but isn’t that the way it always goes ??) She is not conceited and in social settings will often be shy and very modest. I couldn’t ask for more.



I presume at this point she is still going to be in the wedding. She likes his mom a lot and unless things get real ugly, I would guess yes. – Awkward ??

Yes! I did have a problem with his mom talking about trust issues with my daughter. I was appalled when his mother told me she scolded my dauther. I didn’t say anything but it really bothered me. She is a single mom with two children by different fathers whom they have very little contact with and very little respect for. I don’t know that we have the same ideas about trusting people. Neither of her children have ever had a father figure involved.

He does throw a temper tantrum at the rumors. Which I find strange, because if you really like someone do you break up with them because they heard rumors of your wrongdoing? Or do you do your best to convince your girlfriend that they are in fact, just rumors. Is it guilt or is it his way of working toward ending the relationship?

And in the beginning of the relationship, I had concerns about him controlling her—who she could talk to, when she talked to friends, when she hung out with friends etc. even sometimes about what she wore. He would get a little more heated than I thought he should. I was concerned so I checked out the book at the library “But I Love Him” to see if my daughter was involved in an unhealthy relationship. Those issues seemed to die down (and maybe because they hung out together so much and it was acceptable to both of them) and my concerns were alleviated although I’m always “listening.” I truly believe he would never physically harm her, but I did think he was playing head games in the beginning as a result of his self-esteem issues. (He truly does have self-esteem issues because of his family’s financial situation and in the beginning he was always making comments about the differences in our homes, cars, personal belongings, etc. My daughter did her best to convince him that those things weren’t important and I think he finally began to believe her.)

I had a conversation with my daughter about possible signs to look for. She always assured me he was not controlling her although I still believe he was slightly because her response was always that "she contributed to the problem" which is a classic sign. However, over time she seemed to step up and become equal partners in choosing when she made other engagements with friends, etc. and my fears were lessened.

Perhaps she does lack self-confidence in her appearance . . she is shy when it comes to accepting compliments and now that I think about it she has called herself ugly before in order to get reassurance that she isn’t . .


Good advice I will take.

Please anyone with more input . . I would so appreciate it.

I think most 15 year olds lack self confidence, the tough times are what give us the confidence.

I would be supportive of any decision and not offer any advice unless she asks.

I will say that when I was in high school I had the same boyfriend for a couple of years and the reason I finally gave up on him was because I thought to myself that by staying with this loser I could be missing the man of my dreams (or at least of my dreams at that time). I wasn't happy so why waste my time or his when I could he finding someone who made me truly happy.

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"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked." ~ Bernard Meltzer

What mother allows her 14 yr old to have an exclusive relationship with a 15 yr old? You have been hearing all her business and living vicariously thru her "young" love!Why shouldn't a 16 year old boy be able to see , talk to ,hug or kiss woever they want? That is part of growing up.
Tell your daughter to see other people..exclusive at her age is missing all kinds of opportunities. Hate to tell you but the next poster they are on might be the couple that had the "baby" cause mommy had to prove her "trust"to daddy.

Trust me in the beginning her father and I discouraged a relationship. However, when they go to school and sporting events together (because he's an athlete, she's a cheerleader) it is difficult to intervene. From my oservations that's what high schoolers do though. They are all looking for the bf or gf to date.

And at least with my daughter, the boy pursued her and asked for the relationship. He is the one that wanted exclusivity and obviously she did too. And it lasted a while, but its okay that he no longer wants it. . I'm all for the ending of this relationship because they need to live life. Secretly I wish I could speed it along so I could end the emotional stress from the rumors, I just don't know how to do this and not damage my relationship with her.

While she may be naive in giving her heart away, she certainly knows better than to throw her future away.

Thanks for the insight.

Most adult women who are with bad partners are following a pattern they started in their teens. Inertia, and feelings of obligation, can mean that otherwise intelligent women stay with men when they shouldn't, and make bad choices based on that.

Please don't ever assume that your child is immune from bad men, bad choices, mental/emotional problems, or anything at all, really. She's at a really difficult age, and she's got someone who's holding her back. She's already shown that all of her good qualities weren't enough to guarantee a good relationship. There's not too much you can do to get her to leave the guy, but you can make sure she knows the signs of an abusive relationship, and about safe sex, too. He's a year older than her, and they have been together long enough that the issue is going to come up, if it hasn't already. That's not a reflection on her morals; that's information every woman should have.

I understand what you are saying in that no one is immume from bad options (men, choices, problems). I would never assume anything when it comes to my children.

I'm not sure I understand your point about "she's already shown that all of her good qualities weren't enough to guarantee a good relationship" I don't think that any girl age 15 or age 25 can possess enough good qualities that can guarantee a good relationship with anyone. As a previous poster stated, a year long relationship in high school is extremely long. Extremely! I do wish I could magically change her mind about where she's headed and relieve some of the emotional stress. But, I guess I just have to let it ride and be there when she wants me.

And your right the safe sex issue has come up and we have had open discussions and continued communication about the facts and she is fully aware of the risks involved. As a parent, I truly feel I have done my best in arming her with knowledge and information about the potential risks involved. We actually have a two-way conversation about it -- meaning she is willing to talk about it with me and express her feelings. I have to trust that she will make good decisions.


I appreciate your perspective and your insight! You are right every woman and girl should always protect themselves!

The fact that your daughter does talk tou you about this (particularly what you relayed here) is good IMO.

I think you should continue to keep the lines of communication open. Allow her to express her feelings and concerns. Answer questions honestly if she asks. Be available, because something tells me she will need you.

Unfortunately, this may end up being a learning experience, one that she may have to go through to understand.

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l/ l/ l/
Dont go through life,
GROW through life

Real eyes...realize...real lies.

I just meant that in the sense that her being a good person isn't enough to make sure her boyfriend's good to her too. I think we tend to expect people to get partners they deserve, and it often doesn't work out like that. I guess I've just seen a lot of parents figure their good kids didn't need as much help as the kids who act out, without even realising they were doing it.

I have a 15 year old son.one week is girl a the love of his life,week 2 its girl b .She will be ok,she is young and have to learn all life lesson.

My daughter was involved with someone for almost 4 years throughout HS, it was NOT a good relationship, we were stuck though, we knew if we forbade it, it would attract her more to him. Whenever they had a fight & she was upset, we gently reminded her, this is who he is, it is not going to change & it would not be fair of her to expect him to change. I used the excuse of her heavy cycles to get her on BC, just to be on the safe side. She did come to her senses on her own & does thank us for allowing her to make those choices & learn those lessons at her own pace.

Yes that makes perfect sense. I agree, especially as parents, we expect our children to get partners they deserve!

LOL. Probably the way it should be. . .

I’m experiencing the same thing. Thanks for the support.