A little history. My MIL passed away around three weeks ago, and it was very sad and unexpected, and she was only 67 yrs old. There are three children, my DH being one of them, and only one of FIL's kids live locally in the same town. My DH went out to visit his dad last weekend to spend some time with him. My FIL mentions during that visit that he was thinking of adding his daughter's name (local daughter) to a couple of his accounts in case something happened to him, and she would need to get funds to pay for his bills. At first my DH said that was fine, but when he got home, he told me about it and said that he was having second thoughts about having just his sister's name on the accounts.

My thoughts were, first that his dad didn't even have to tell him and he can do as he wishes. Secondly, I didn't see any reason to distrust his sister. (Not even sure it's a matter of trust, but fairness), and it just sounded sensible. The only thing I could project happening as sister later on declaring herself executor of the estate when that time comes. My husband also had a little falling out with this sister around the time of their mother's death , and I warned him to be very careful as if he makes a big deal over this and sister learns about it, she is going to be hurt and defensive.

So, DH calls his other out-of-town sister to ask her opinion on this. I was a little surprised that she also had reservations about it. (She said that she saw an Oprah episode about similar circumstances, and siblings ended up feuding over money). So, my DH ended up calling his dad and giving his input about situation saying that maybe all three children should maybe be on the accouts, not just the one.

A couple of days ago, my FIL sends an email to his local daughter (CC: DH and out-of-town sister) titled: "The Vultures are Circling". He went on how disappointed he was in my husband and the trust issue. He ends the letter by saying if he hears another word about it, all of his money is going to the church and university.

I think my husband may have messed up and projected his opinion where it didn't belong. I didn't think that FIL would get hostile over this, but I obviously he is very disappointed in two of his kids, especially my husband. My DH didn't mean any malice, but this is how it is taken. I'm not sure how he can repair this.[

__________________
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

One thing I have learned, it is ultimately up to the person who's money/posessions they are. In this case, your FIL. I can understand your DH feeling the way he does, but, it is ultimately his father's decision on what to do. And, "if" your SIL should decide to be unfair or whatever, that is HER choice. It's so sad the way stuff like this can tear a family apart, but, it can, and it DOES.

Also, let me say, and please don't be offended, this is just my thoughts on it.....your FIL is still grieving, as are your DH and SILs. Is this really the time for your DH to bring up this sort of thing??? I'm sure everyone's emotions are still quite raw, and rightfully so. Maybe your DH could send a letter to your FIL apologizing, and explaining why he feels the way he does, and that is about all he can do, really.

Sorry for the loss of your MIL.

__________________
Doing the right thing isn't always the same as doing the easy thing.

It is a hard case to comment on since we don't know the family interaction or the personalities...but your husband is correct. If his sister's name is on the bank accounts and your FIL dies, those accounts are hers and they don't even have to get probated.

If your FIL intends that to happen, then fine..but if he just wants to make sure that she is there to pay bills if he is not up to it at any given time, then he made a rash decision and it is sad that he took offense.

__________________
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.

E. Roosevelt

Repair? Time.

I'm sorry you FIL seemed to take your DH comments as greed and not the best intentions. I understand what DH meant to say, but it wasn't what his dad heard.

My mom does this - she says go put a piece tape with your name on it and put it on what ever you want in the house so when I die you'll know what you have dibs on - then if we do it, she says we just can't wait for her to die.

Like august said, everyone is still hurting. Just give it time.

__________________
Mary

WOW!

My oldest sister lives closest to our parents and her name is on all of their accounts. It has never once crossed my mind that I or our other sister should be on those accounts.
The 3 of us are extremely close though and trust each other explicitly when it comes to handling our parents affairs. And even if my oldest sister were to "keep" whatever accounts her name was on--it wouldn't bother me as she's the one who has actually been the one to take care of Mom & Dad since she's the closest.

I guess what I'm getting at is: A) I don't understand the misgivings of your DH and the other sister about the situation, 2) it does look like what they care about is the money, 3) life is short---do you really want to waste any of the time squabbling over who's on what account?

__________________
Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

My sister and I have always gotten along UNTIL my Dad passed away last year. I am the executor and let me tell you it is AWFUL, I hate doing it, it is so much work and everything causes an arguement. So I can't imagine doing this with someone who you don't totally trust and get along with!

I feel like she has taken anything worth anything and is making me do more work than I think I need to do (whole long story about selling Dad's house). I'm not taking the 5% or whatever the executor is entitled to because my Mom says my sister thinks we should split everything 50-50 (even though I already feel like that can't happen). My Dad had about $100, 000 worth of debt and the house is only worth about $170,000 so we aren't talking a lot of money, but whatever we end up with is fine, I don't even care anymore, I just want it done. I told my Mom (just joking of course) I can't wait til she goes because my sister is her executor and she has 5 times as much crap as my Dad!

Is the estate worth a lot?

And I am sorry to hear about your loss.

__________________
"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked." ~ Bernard Meltzer

Moms funeral was totally taken over by her mother <long story but i dont claim her as a grandmother> she buried mom so theres no place for my dad next to her cause she doesnt like him.

My mil's family cleaned out most of when her mom had before she passed away. you went to visit one time and notice things in the house, the next time that item was no where to be found and no one knew where it went along with the money.

My grandfather hasnt talked to one of his brothers since the early 80's when my great grandmother passed away. I'm still unsure what the whole story is, no one will really talk about it.

Thank goodness my hubby and I are only children, the way other siblings have went after each other we're glad we dont have to think about it. except I wish my dad would even make a will, though he might everything to my uncle though my uncle is more grown up than dad and would hand everything to me.

Dad lives maybe 5 miles from my grandparents and will go years without going to see them. My grandfather is ailing fast and my uncle moved back in to help with anything he needs and my dad has yet to even ask about him. My uncle and I are really close at Mom's funeral I was doing so good on not shedding a tear, people asked how I was and I told them fine, then my silly uncle had to ask and the dam broke I still tease him about makeing me cry


I'm sorry about how your fil took things, maybe he assumed being his kids everyone would get along great, some do but others the teeth and fangs come out

__________________
Books just wanna be FREE! See what I mean at:
http://bookcrossing.com

My other favorites
www.paperbackswap.com
www.wheresgeorge.com
www.geocaching.com

I, too, am so sorry for the loss of your MIL.

I echo everything allinaugust said. I do think you might want to help DH offer an olive branch to your FIL - maybe a card, or short note.

I'm going on the assumption that your DH would rather salvage his relationship with your FIL than continue to stand his ground, even if he was right.

If it were me, I would say that I regretted HOW I made my point as well as the timing of when I did it. I would be sure to explain how my biggest concern is that singling out and appointing one of three children to oversee finances can break up families, and ironically that was what I was trying to avoid. I would make it very clear that my primary concern is being there for FIL, and that the money could even be redistributed, if it makes him feel better. In the end, if this is the kind of thing that creates a permanently bad relationship, your DH has nothing to lose, anyway. I think he'd rather have his dad in his life than not, and if he has to express his wish to forfiet his inheritance to prove it, it is probably his best chance of :

1. Salvaging the relationship between DH and you FIL, and

2. Actually being left in the will.

GOOD LUCK!

Sorry for the situation, I agree with allinaugust, the timing was bad mostly likely.

The sister cannot have herself named executor. An executor (male) / executrix (female) is the person actually named in the will by the decedent. If your fil has a will, it's his choice who that person is.

If your fil dies intestate (without a will) then possibly your sil could pursue being named administator. The other heirs typically have to agree and sign forms in front of a notary attesting to this for the court to consider. The duties of an execector/executrix/administrator are essentially the same. To be prudent in consolidating assets, paying liabilities, reporting to the court, and then if funds are left, paying the heirs / legatees.

It is your fil's business what he does and the decisions he makes. With the vulture statement, it seems this has really upset him.

dl

I'd send a note kind of like this:

Dear Dad,

I would like to apologize for the frustration I seem to have caused. (Insert other sister's name) and I don't want to be guilty of creating a rift in the family, especially right now.

Please know that my concern for your accounts was simply because I have heard so many horror stories of families having problems after both parents are gone when things haven't been legally set up in the best way. I admit, I do not know what the best way to ensure that (local sister) can pay your bills using your own money if ever there is such a need. My understanding - and perhaps it is wrong - is that upon your death, if her name is jointly with yours on the account, the entire account becomes hers. If that is your wish, I absolutely respect that. If your wish is for her to divide the remaining balance among (insert other sister's name here), herself, and me, I am rather certain that (other sister) and I would have to pay a hefty gift tax on our 1/3 because it would then be seen in the eyes of the law as a gift from (insert local sister's name), and not part of your estate.

You and Mom had always indicated your plan was to divide everything equally. Realistically, if (insert local sister's name) is going to be doing more legwork than we are, I think it's fair - and even important - that she be compensated.

Please know any statements I made were just a reaction to the idea that these decisions were being made so quickly, before any of us really understand what the full implications are. This situation is all so fresh, and I know the last thing Mom would've wanted is for us to be fussing in the midst of our grief.

Again, I sincerely apologize.

Son

Aw op I'm sorry this happened to your dh. I agree with the posters who said DH should apologize to FIL for upsetting him and let him know that was not the intention. That DH was not trying to claim or take over anything, just was offering to have all 3 children together help handle things as a group if it was ever needed...something like that.

I think the letter by wowitsdark is good for the first few sentences but I would leave out any specifics about 'this is what I understand will happen if you put sis on the acct' or taxes, etc. All that stuff may be 100% correct but it's just going to offend him.

If it happened to me I would apologize to my dad and say that was not my intention..I would never give my dad/mom advice on estate planning 101 or try to spell things out about what could happen. My dad would be offended. Your FIL is already upset and offended.

Whatever you do, best of luck to you and hope this rift with FIL can be repaired.

[quote=Crittles1;2981114] He ends the letter by saying if he hears another word about it, all of his money is going to the church and university.
QUOTE]

That's an important sentence.
It probably means exactly what it says.
Don't mention it again..no apology..no explaination..

I know you feel the need to mend it somehow but sometimes some things heal only if left alone.

He doesn't want it discussed in any way shape or form.
So what you should do is actually do nothing.

Just skip right over it and go on with the normal relationships as if this sticky situation never occurred.