I was upstairs changing sheets on the guest bed, since DSS was over this weekend. While cleaning up I found a Food Lion plastic bag underneath the bed filled with food wrappers (and I mean a lot of wrappers...easily 5000 calories worth of wrappers). I don't know what I should do or not to do. I don't know if I should just not say anything to anyone, tell DH or just give DSS mom a call and let her know. I honestly would of never know the food was gone if I didn't find the bag, since I don't keep a tally of what I have in the pantry. He even ate some of the 100 calorie snack packs. I am assuming he was probably going to take the evidence/bag with him but forgot it.

A little background~~ DSS is 13 (will be 14 this summer) and is only 2 inches taller then our 7 yr old but is 83 lbs heavier. He is always down about his appearance, height, and weight, he gets teased about it at school, to the point last year his mother took him to a therapist that put him on Zoloft. DH does get onto DSS about his complaining about his weight, and tells him if he is that unhappy about it to do something about it. DSS mother has told me that DSS does feel uncomfortable when he is at our house about his weight and height, since DH is 6'4'', DS (7) is very tall for his age and I am almost 6' myself and all at "normal" weight.

We did take both DS and DSS shopping this weekend for summer clothes, and I know DSS was getting frustrated that his size kept varying from store to store. I tried to re-ensure him that it was totally normal, but he was getting teary eyed. Plus, there were numerous times DH sent me back to get larger sizes for DSS and find smaller sizes for DS, and DSS asked why DS needed smaller sizes then what his jeans were. We tried to explain that DS only wore 10 x-slims for his height, but only need a 5 or 6 in shorts since he doesn't have to worry about the length. DSS made some comment about, of course he is the perfect son. Looking back I wish I would of said, no you both are, instead of letting it go. But he is always making comments like that, and we are always trying to re-assure him. But on the same hand while he is down on himself, he loves bring others down with him. He will make comments like, DS might be better looking then me, but at least I don't have the dumb disease ( he is referring to Autism).

So I don't know if clothes shopping set off his binging of food this weekend. But I am sure it didn't help. In the past we had issues about DSS sneaking food, which I thought were resolved. But now, I think DSS just told us what we wanted to hear, so we would stop monitoring his food when he was here. I just don't want to call him out and then him feel even more uncomfortable at our house, then he already is. On the other hand, this might turn out to be a serious situation, that needs attention.

I do have a good relationship with DSS mother, that I could tell her about the situation without the need to drag DH in it. I only hesitate telling DH, because he does grip about DSS weight, and with DH being 6'4'' and never over 200 lbs, he has no clue what weight issues are. But he is DSS dad, and who am I to keep that information away from him...he is DSS father and my husband. I could talk myself in and out of all the situations all day...I need some outside objective, ladies!

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I would not tell DH, since he seems to aggravate the situation, and IMO is not doing any good in regards to DSS' weight. It is of no help to pester him about it (DSS). I would not tell XW, either (ex wife). I would, however, say something to DSS next time he is over, and let him know that you are aware of him eating food in his room, and that he please not eat in the room, it attracts bugs, etc. Also, I would mention the type of food that he was snacking on, and how it isn't very healthy for anyone. He's a young boy, still growing, and it is important for him to make healthy food choices, and you would like to help him with this, and maybe give him some choices, such as fruit, pretzels, etc. I would emphasize healthy food choices, vice saying "this will make you fat" or anything like that. Maybe on the days he is at your house, you can all do something physical as a family, such as a game of kick ball, or baseball. We like to play table tennis, and it can really be a work out.

Good Luck.

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Doing the right thing isn't always the same as doing the easy thing.

DH and DS need to be really careful not to aggravate the situation, or be anything but kind when DSS complains. Honestly, at this point, I wouldn't tell anyone, not even DSS, because finding out he's been caught is going to be embarrassing, and I remember enough about that age to know that even tiny slights really hurt. Try to keep the house stocked with healthy, easy to prepare foods, and get as much non-athletic activity as you can. By that, I mean things where he's not going to feel he's starting at a disadvantage. Hiking is good, something like football isn't so much. When he talks to you, it is okay to point out that his age is doing some really odd things to his body, but he doesn't need to take it personally. It's also okay, when people are being rude to him, to recognize that as THEIR problem, not his. It does sound like he needs to feel appreciated for something, so do pay attention to the things he's good at, even if they're totally unrelated to this.

I'm just afraid not to say anything. What if this is a major problem? My house has tons of healthy food in it, he choose to over-eat and it wasn't just on snack food. He was here about 48 hours, during that time, he not only ate all the meals, snacks we ate but then consumed an extra 5000 calories. I can't believe this is the first time he has done this.

As for DH and DS aggravating the situation, DH is going to say what he says, I have told him to try to be more sensitive....but no matter how or what he says to DSS, it always makes DSS cry. But DS has NEVER said anything mean or spiteful toward DSS, it's always DSS making the cheap shots. He gets bullied so much at school that when he comes over he bullies DS, and DSS mother has told me he also bullies his other little brother.

__________________
Chicago Bears!!!!
We are the Bears Shufflin' Crew
Shufflin' on down, doin' it for you.
We're so bad we know we're good.
Blowin' your mind like we knew we would.
You know we're just struttin' for fun
Struttin' our stuff for everyone.
We're not here to start no trouble.
We're just here to do the Super Bowl Shuffle.

I know how easy it is to eat b/c you're sad or unhappy. Even if it's about your weight. Even if you really don't want to. Like drugs or alchohol. The fact that you even care is awesome Polve. Maybe talk to your doctor and see what he suggests. When dss comes over, put the fattening food away. He can't eat what isn't there.

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I had a friend from 3rd to 5th grade she had baby fat and kids teased her, parents pestered her about it ect. I saw her when I was about 18 and she was huge, i believe because of all the teasing and comments didnt help her in the least it wasnt that she wasnt active as a kid, she ran and played with me and our other friend all the time.

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Many times, issues with food are just like with issues of drugs or alcohol - there is some other underlying problem. The food isn't the cause, it's a symptom.

The bullying sounds like frustration; acting out. If there's an underlying problem, he might not know how to verbalize it. He's hurting and at the same time comforting himself with food, yet he doesn't know why.

OR

He's been taught poor eating habits, he's in a rut and he can't get out. He's young and hormonal, so any type of correction is going to anger him, yet he's upset he looks (and on the inside, acts) the way he does.

Issues of this sort can be either on the simplistic side or so complicated. I feel for the little guy, and your family too. It's not easy on anyone's side.

Is there anyone professional that you can talk to, to maybe get a feel on what to do, if anything at all?

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I'm not sure what you should do in your case. My DD is 12 and I have caught her eating like this. She throws the wrappers away in the back garbage can. In one day she ate 6 nutrigrain bars and 2- 100 cal packs of cookies. She is very short for her age 54" but not overweight. I thought maybe it was due to hormones. I came up with a healthy snack list that is acceptable for her to eat without asking permission. I have fruit, cheese, yogurt, and a 100 calorie cookie pack on the list.I wrote the list on a small wipe off board. She can have one each without me worrying about her pigging out. The list is working pretty well. I have found a few wrappers from time to time. She doesn't know that I know where she stashes her wrappers. I never told her I found the wrappers. I just said that I noticed the nutrigrain bars were gone and I just had bought them that day. Your situation is a lot different with your DSS not living there full time. I would talk to him seperately from the rest of the family. I'm sure that he may be an emotional eater. If he is upset about not fitting in he overeats for comfort. Maybe try to suggest some other things that would be good alternatives to eating that would be a comfort measure.Good Luck, Jenn

From experience your DH's attitude does not help your DSS. I heard the comments from Dad towards our mother (she was overweight) and to this day I hear it in my head when I see my Dad. Your DSS sounds like a very unhappy child, I hope that whatever you do works out for the best.

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*sigh* and they put him on Zoloft? That medication generally causes you to gain weight!!

I think the child has an eating disorder and/or other "issues". Since you are not his legal guardian(although it does sound as if you love him like your own...) I would most assuredly speak w/ his mom. The child needs some help and covering it up is not going to help him. Your DH needs to back off of the kid (yes, I know, he cares about his son--men just don't think w/ the emotional side of their brain like women and don't realize how words can hurt so badly sometimes).

The boy need some therapy, needs to get involved in an activity (preferably an "active" activity) and gain some self-confidence.
I say speak to the mom, come up w/ a plan and get the kid some help.

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Ugh, yeah, you're probably right, and I probably shouldn't be posting on not enough sleep. I hadn't realised it was in such a short period of time! Still, try to keep any conversations with people who will be as gentle as possible. The last thing DSS needs is to feel someone else has it in for him.

DH is an adult, and needs to learn when to keep his mouth shut. I don't advocate being controlling with your spouse, but there are a few areas mine knows not to go, and I don't think it's unreasonable setting boundaries to avoid hurting his kid. If DSS is always on the attack, and DS is dealing with it, he does get major points for tolerance.

Sounds to me like he is upset about school and his family life too. I am assuming that his mom and dad were married and got divorced. Maybe he is feeling like he is not good enough for his dad's new family and that is stressing him out. I may be way off, but that's what I took from his comments. Plus, having an autistic brother who needs extra attention when he used to be the center of attention would make any kid uneasy. Maybe some father-son one on one time is needed. Good luck, it sounds like you are a very caring step-mom and mother.

I wish we all knew what his problems are, but he doesn't seem to want to share it with his mother, father, step-dad, therapist, or me. DH and his ex were separated before DSS was born, and has never lived with them as a "family unit", I have known DSS since he was 11 months old, and his mom married his step-dad when he was under 2, so the life he knows is the life he has always had. He only started having trouble about two years ago, when everyone in his grade started growing taller and he stayed the same. Shortly after he started gaining weight, and now he is a good 50-60 lbs over weight and hasn't grown an inch in over 2 years. They have done numerous tests, scans of bone plates, thyroid tests, all coming back normal. His pediatrician has no answers on why he isn't growing taller, only that everyone grows at their own rate. DSS wants to be tall, he always thought he was going to be tall with his dad being 6'4''....but he is the shortest one in his class...he is shorter then all the girls even. He gets teased constantly for being short.....and since he has gained the weight is now being teased for being chubby.

I think I have decided I am going to tell his mom next weekend when I go up to pick him up. I think I will just go 1/2 hour ahead of time so I can talk to his mom before he gets off the bus. That way it gives her a few days before he comes home on how she wants to handle the situation. The more and more I think of it the more I think he is needing help, and by me keeping my mouth shut I am denying him the help he needs.

__________________
Chicago Bears!!!!
We are the Bears Shufflin' Crew
Shufflin' on down, doin' it for you.
We're so bad we know we're good.
Blowin' your mind like we knew we would.
You know we're just struttin' for fun
Struttin' our stuff for everyone.
We're not here to start no trouble.
We're just here to do the Super Bowl Shuffle.

Zoloft and many other antidpressants do cause you to gain weight. I thought with the new guidelines you were not supposed to give kids antidepressants any more. Maybe you need to find him a better therapist that he can relate to and does not rely on questionable drugs.

Since you have a good relationsihp with the boy's mother, I would speak to her and also mention it to your DH. There obviously is a problem and it needs to be dealt with, the sooner the better. The mother needs to consult the child's pediatrician for advice to get the child the help he needs. I would just mention to your DH that you found a bunch of empty wrappers under DSS's bed and you spoke to his mother about the issue. If you don't tell your DH, he'll probably hear about it from the boy's mother and will wonder why you didn't tell him about it which could cause unnecessary problems between the two of you.

Sarah.........mom to Jason & Devin

I vote on telling the mom- infact I would have saved the wrappers so she could understand the AMOUNT of food your DSS either took from your cupboards or smuggled in with him. I would literally STRIP all junkfood from any unlocked cabinet in your house. I would put one or two snacks a day in his room along with fruit and an explanation- "thought you might like a bedtime snack".
At this point, you don't know whether he will take a growth spurt and everything will level out. One of my brothers grew 5 inches one SUMMER!! You may not know for another 5 or 6 years whether or not he will ultimately grow. Growth patterns are usually familial. You can't control his height, or weight for that matter.
What you can control is the bullying. Bullying is a negative behavior regardless of the impetus. I would work on empathy training and I would keep him so busy he doesn't have the time or energy to snack. Is he in the same school district when he is at your house? Can you get him involved with activities with different kids who may not be pre-wired to taunt him? What does he LIKE to do besides eat?

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Lyn Clarke

Has your DSS been seen by an endocrinologist?

YES! Very good question, and wise advice!

He did last year. DSS mom is an identical twin....her twin sister has Hashimoto disease and his mom has Graves' Diease...which both effect the thyroid. (Which is odd since I had thyroid cancer a few years ago.....we all tease DH he knows how to pick woman with bad thyroids) With that type of family history they took him to have his thyroid panel check....they ran T4, T3, TsH, TSI, all came back normal. They also checked his insulin levels, and tested for diabetes all came back normal. The endocrinologist is the one who recommended DSS see a therapist for juvenile depression.

__________________
Chicago Bears!!!!
We are the Bears Shufflin' Crew
Shufflin' on down, doin' it for you.
We're so bad we know we're good.
Blowin' your mind like we knew we would.
You know we're just struttin' for fun
Struttin' our stuff for everyone.
We're not here to start no trouble.
We're just here to do the Super Bowl Shuffle.

I had the exact same issue with my DSS many years ago when I was married. DSS was always a bigger kid, even at age 2, compared to other kids.....not fat then, just big boned. When he was at our house, he wouldn't eat much in front of us.....one piece of pizza, but in the morning, all the leftover pieces would be gone! He would sneak them during the night.

Sorry, but just to warn you, his personal hygene was also an issue.....I understood that this was typical in teenage boys, but he began refusing to shower, wash, brush his teeth, or even use deoderant at our house. His excuse was that he 'forgot' his toothbrush/DO/whatever, so I would keep some on hand, which he would take home and 'forget' the next time. It was a classic power struggle--and believe me that kid stunk!!! I would typically give in and buy more, just so we could be around him! There are many more examples, but I am already getting long here.....

I did try to have DH talk to him about puberty, man things, and just general hygene, but it didn't go far. His Mom insisted they were working with her sister, a dietitian about his weight, but he never lost much. She also refused to take him to a counselor, saying she could handle things and it was all DH's fault.

Fast forward 8 years, now DSS is 24, probably close to 350 pounds, not sure if he ever graduated HS, cooking in a restaurant (just like his Dad), making no money, sitting around smoking dope (just like his Dad) and just got his GF pg.

Final note, your DSS just wants to spend time with Dad, he really really wants to be just like him, but is probably to shy/embarrassed/scared to come out and say it. I would encourage your hubby to find hobbies that are more non-competitive, like fishing, or woodworking, or something they can just relax and spend time together. PM me if you want to chat......I know how hard it is to be in the middle!

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