DS is only 6 and he has a boy in his class who he is friendly with. We went to a party there and I had heard a few not so good things about them (the father is in jail but not sure if that's true or not) so I stayed of course. The daughter was very strange and the mother seems bi-polar, you never know how she's going to act (I have had occasion to talk to her a few times since the party). They are very poor which in itself doesn't bother me, but it's dirty. The kids didn't really have clothes to fit them, so since I have BINS in DS's closet for next year, I brought them over for the little boy.

Their manners are pretty much non existent which isn't a reason not to be friends, but it made me uncomfortable. While we were at the party the mom said that last year no one showed up to the party, how sad would that be? I was really glad we went.

Ever since I called and brought the clothes though they keep calling to see if the boy can come to our house to play! Which is better than us going there, but they have no car so I have to transport each way. I'm not sure this is a boy I want as his friend outside of school?


WWYD?

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"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked." ~ Bernard Meltzer

I do a 'let's meet at the park' neutral location.

If they have no car and you have to transport each time, I think you'll just have to learn to say no if you don't want to do that. I agree with you that if their house is dirty and you don't want your child there, your house is the best option. That's IF you even want your child to be friends/play with this child. I think only YOU can make that decision. You've talked with the mom, know more of the situation than we can.
With the details you gave, this is my personal opinion/what I would do.
If the boy is nice, a good play mate for your child, I would let him come to my house, occasionally. I would use that time to help him improve his manners, reminding him to say please and thank you, etc. I wouldn't allow myself to be taken advantage of but I wouldn't mind picking him up and bringing him to my house from time to time. Or picking him up(only him), taking them to play at the park or wherever. I guess with kids I always think that they can't help the situation their parents have them in. And you never know when YOU may be the one person in their life to make a difference. YOU may be the person to reach them, teach them something they will get from nowhere else. If you try with this child and it just doesn't work then you can say you tried and you cut your losses. JMO, though!

I don't let my kids play with kids that are bad influences.. mean.. doing really bad stuff. They come home and tell me things about some kids... omg! Throwing rocks at cars, stuff like that! One boy would offer my son candy to hurt my daughter and he would do it. I hated that kid, he moved shortly before we did thankfully! I told my kids I didn't even want to hear that boy's name mentioned in my house. The things you listed don't bother me a bit compared to the kids I've come across. There is a boy that lives in our apartment complex that I LOVE. I hear him telling my son things like if you don't listen to your mom she won't let you go out. He refused to step inside our apartment because his mom hadn't met me yet. Wish we came across more kids like that!

I like the park idea, but they couldn't get there or I would do that.

And the manner thing is strange, it isn't really about please and thank you it's more about social skills I think. When we were there, she never introduced herself, we stood in the hallway she never intivted us in to sit down, or took our coats, or anything like that. It felt really awkward, hard to explain.

The other thing that bothers me is that a kid in his class had lice and I don't know if that was the kid or not and I am also worried about that too coming to our house?

Maybe I can take them out somewhere this week, just the 2 boys?

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"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked." ~ Bernard Meltzer

Sounds like the family really has no social skills. If they're not introducing themselves or inviting you to sit down, etc. then they probably simply don't know better.
I would say overall, the little boy may be a good friend to your child. And the simple things you can teach him to change the cycle(like manners) are endless. But again, you're in the situation and see and know more than we do here so ultimately you just have to weigh the good and bad and see if you're willing to accept the bad(for lack of a better word). And you don't necessarily have to be friends with this boy's mom, maybe just friendly, so the 2 boys can play together.
I agree with what vorphalack said too, there are many kids with much more serious issues!

You're first post got me thinking and I gave them a call. The Mom was really friendly and when she asked him if he wanted to come over tomorrow he was hooting and hollering, very excited!

I don't think he's a bad kid at all, I have never heard about anything he's done at school or anything so that makes me feel better. It was more of the strange family thing that was really stopping me, but it's exactly what you said just poor social skills they don't know what to do.

And yes there are a LOT of worse kids he could like!

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"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked." ~ Bernard Meltzer

When my son was younger he attended a school out of district for four years for learning disabilities, the school was about 35 miles from our home in a low income area. Many of the children were from broken homes and lower income. They loved coming to our home, we had a small house but we had a pool and I had the time for them. We did all of the play dates at our home. I just thought that if I could make a child happy it was worth it. My daughter has a shirt that says be the change that you want to see in the world -- how true.

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Sometimes the elevator often the shaft

This family has really already inspired me and given me a great idea. I had the extra clothes and happened to see the mom at the school when I was signing DD up for Kindergarten and she was thrilled to get them. So when I went in to sign DD up, I asked the nurse that if she ever has any other kids that need clothes to let me kow, I always have lots or know where I can get them from! It would be from her, but I would bring her a bag of whatever she needs. Since I am at bag sales and thrift stores all of the time for Ebay I can always grab a couple of extra things to stock up on.

Now I just hope she calls. I usually freecycle these sort of things, but if she knows the kids are coming to school with clothes that are too small I think they would do more good going to kids who really need them.

And if the little boy can have a good time at our house and DS will enjoy the playdate then that's good for me.

It still hurts my feelings that no one came to his party last year. I could not imagine. I can see why people can't get past the outside, because it's more of an effort for me than I thought it should be.

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"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked." ~ Bernard Meltzer

It sounds to me like the mom is just shy. I am the same way.I never talk to anyone unless they talk to me first. Maybe if you start a conversation with her it will draw her out to be more friendly.

And lice likes clean hair much better than dirty hair so if these people are that "dirty" then I doubt that the lice came from them. It is easier for lice to cling to clean hair , so cleaner people actually have more chances to have lice.

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Insanity laughs under pressure we're cracking

I think the way you're handling it is just wonderful. You sound like the type of mom and friend anyone would love to have. I believe a lot of times we tend to look at people only on the outside and turn them away without giving people a chance. But you didn't do that. Probably the little boy's mom doesn't know exactly how to act or maybe she is shy, but I would think she might be uncomfortable or ashamed of the way her house is or maybe her lack of nice clothes for the kids.

It is sad that no one attended the little boy's birthday party last year. But you made the difference this year by going outside the box and taking your son. My sons are grown now, but I can remember having a few boys at my house that didn't have proper clothes, manners, never had a homecooked meal. And you know what? These boys still remember me. If they see me out somewhere, they'll make a point to stop and talk to me. They all called me 'mom' (and still do). There used to be a boy that my sons ran around with (still do) and he used to call me on the phone and just talk (his mom worked weird hours and wasn't home much). Now that he's grown and married, he still will call me just to talk.

You will be surprised at what a difference you may make in this little boy's life and others as your son gets older. These children will not forget you and your kindness.

We had a really fun playdate today and he didn't want to go home. I did keep my eye on them a little more than I do with most kids just because I don't know him, but they were fine.

I would have him over again, but not right away, I am afraid that they will keep calling every day. He wanted to come over tomorrow already, but we have another playdate so I told him some other time.

I did meet a brother and a different sister and they were pretty nice, social and talkative. They were both in high school and were home doing laundry and cleaning because school was closed this week. The mom was out looking at a car, so maybe next time we could go to a park!

Thanks for the advice everyone!

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"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked." ~ Bernard Meltzer

I loved this thread!! I can't wait to hear more about this family and your envolvement!! Woo Hoo for flipper!!

I know that situations like this can really turn awkward if the person becomes too needy....I really have a hard time dealing with that. But I guess I need the social skills to be able to put up boundaries and not avoid situations like this, like I tend to do. You've inspired me!!


and MRSWRIGHT.....just last week we had a speaker at mops that was talking about creating the world you want to live in. I"ve never really heard it put that way.....I love the thought and have spent time trying to find opportunities to live it out!!

Melissa

This is what really made me think too. I believe that last year the moms saw where this boy lived and thought no way! This year I talked another Mom into bringing her son to the party and her attitude toward them totally turned me off and she's a good friend. I don't understand people some time, and I really expected better from her.

When I picked him up today his mom had made him french toast for breakfast, it looked home made (smoke detectors were going off and everything ). The kids were cleaning like I said, so this is a family where everyone pitches in and they seem to really try, but maybe things just don't work out for them a lot. And yes it is easy to ignore them but it could make a world of difference to treat them as equals that they are and not look down on them like I have seen.


And Momrajum, I am one of those people who needs space and time without people around so I hope the calling doesn't continue, but it'll be hard for them if I'm one of the only ones who'll take the time to play. I can be social, but not everyday, it wears out my brain.

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"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked." ~ Bernard Meltzer

Thank goodness for you, Flipper! I am so glad that you did the right thing. When my daughters were growing up our house was always the hang out place. But I liked it, because that way you get to know their friends, what they are doing, etc. We had several like you have described, and they always begged to come back day after day. You will be blessed for the kind acts you are doing!!

What a wonderfully thoughtful thing you are doing. What a blessing you are to all of the children involved.

"I don't let my kids play with kids that are bad influences.. mean.. doing really bad stuff. They come home and tell me things about some kids... omg! Throwing rocks at cars, stuff like that!" You would be surprised at the "good" kids that do this stuff too.
I hate to see kids labeled as "bad" or "good". Some kids are not as fortunate as others...

I think what you are doing for this family is wonderful... TRULY wonderful!

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GO TONY!!!!!!!!!!! # 20!!!

I read that statement differently from you. She said they were bad INFLUENCES, not bad kids. That's a big difference, IMO. I take it to mean, she doesn't want her child to think throwing rocks and things like that are OK, cool to do. But nowhere did I read that statement to say she thought the kids were bad.


Flipper, I'm so glad that your play date went well. And be proud of yourself for having limits and sticking to them. When he ask to come over the next day and you said no, I think that's a good decision since you're setting a precedent with not only the little boy but the family!