I was mending the dust ruffle on my 16 y/o son's bed today and had to lift the mattress to get to the ruffle. Under his mattres I discovered a cigarette lighter.....now I don't think he smokes...because I detest it so much I think I could smell it on him if he did. But I looked a litte further and found a can of chewing tobacco that was about 1/4 full. We live in the south and chewing seems to be a big thing. I know one of the neighbor boys that he hangs with chews (and his dad allows it). My son is a really good kid......straight A's in school...plays football for the high school....coaches two rec league basketball teams for younger boys....hangs with some really good kids....besides the fact that I think they are experimenting with tobacco. I have heard that most of the boys on the football team use it. I am concerned....but want the punishment to fit the crime. Right now I haven't said anything....I set the can on my night stand, which I think he already saw it there....and am basically making him sweat it out right now....wondering when I will confront him. My first instinct was to take away his truck and cell phone..plus ground him for a week....and make him write and essay on the dangers of chewing tobacco. Do you think that is too much??? Any other suggestions???

UPDATE: Well I talked to him about it tonight....and he acted shocked that I found it in his room. He said he thought it was his friends because that was the kind he chewed. I feel in my heart that he is being honest. I told him that if he was honest with me we would just deal with the issue...if I found out he was lying that he would lose his truck....not for the tobacco but for being dishonest with me. He said mom...I'm going to the dentist in 2 weeks and he can tell you that I'm not using it. He said that he did try it one time and it made him throw up and he never wanted to touch it again. My gut instinct is that he is being honest with me....I hope I am not being naieve. He told me all the things that chewing tobacco could do....he learned it in health class. Then we looked up the articles mentioned above and he was very disturbed by the pics. I am believing him on it this time and will just keep my eyes and ears open. Thanks for you great responses. I sure wish dad was not deployed so that he could help deal with these teenage boy issues...ugh!!!!

UPDATE #2: We talked further about this again tonight and I asked him to share with his friends the dangers of tobacco. He said "mom...one reason I wouldn't do tobacco is because I have seen the paranoia that my friends have after they did it wondering if there parents would find out...and it just isn't worth that stress". He really is a good kid and has always been level headed. I am happy I didn't fly off on him like I wanted too...but took the time to really "deal" with the situation.

Your punishment seems like its enough.. Make sure he sees some pictures of what someone with mouth cancer from chewing tobacco looks like. It's not pretty!

__________________
Come and visit the gang at TLJ
PM me for info

I would definately have him research and write a paper on the stores of Rick Bender and Gruen von Behrens. Both also travel doing speaking engagements and I tried to find their schedules but could not. It might be worth it to try to find if and when they are speaking in an area near you. Here is a link to some info on von Behrens.

TRU Stories

I don't know about the grounding and taking away stuff. I am not sure what the motivation is for that, doesn't really have anything to do with the "crime." You can't make him stop by punishment, he will just get better at hiding it. I would sit him down and tell him he is almost an adult and is getting to where he will be able to make his own choices. Your job (as parent) is to help him make intelligent, educated choices. Hence, the requirement that he do the paper, study the pictures of both men and then tell the family about them. Let him know that after he has educated himself about tobacco and if he still chooses to dip then that is his choice but that you will be very disappointed in that decision.

__________________
Raising my baby RIGHT!!!!!!

All the cool babies are wearing cloth!

I think researching mouth cancer would be good. I think visiting and talking with people who have lost parts of their mouth to it would be better! I personally do not think taking his truck away or grounding him has anything to do with the crime. I would also be concerned about whose money is buying the tobacco? His or yours? If he chooses to continue using, I would require he get a job to pay for it AND he would have to pay the extra amount on the health insurance because insurance costs on him WILL go up because he uses tobacco. I had a friend who secretly chewed and had a horrid mouth infection as a teen and because his parents did not disclose he was a tobacco user, insurance refused to pay because they considered it fraud. Something for him to think about as well...the costs involved beyond the chew itself. Many kids don't think of the cost of out pocket for medical care.

I hope he makes the right choice! Many kids (mostly boys) do not see chrew as "tobacco" and don't realize the long term effects can be just as dangerous (or more so) than smoking

__________________
Proud to say I haven't shopped at a Wal-Mart since Sept 2003

You are assuming that it's his and he's been using it. Is it possible that one of his buddies was over and hid it there? I don't know.

I think before you consider the punishment to fit the "crime", you might want to make sure there was a "crime" committed? KWIM?

I think a very appropriate punishment would be having your DS visit a pediatric oncology hospital, even volunteering some time there. The children there didn't have a choice w/ having cancer--your son does but he has to learn that lesson and understand the long term consequences of his actions.

__________________
Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

I saw your update in the first post... I think that you are handling this very well. Looking at the pictures -- great idea!

Just an idea... since he says that it belonged to one of his friends, you could require him to print out some of the pictures and share his research paper with his *friend* about the longterm outcome of using chew.

Kids like your son (and my son, who sounds a lot like your son) might test the waters along the way but if given a strong foundation in good decision making skills, common sense will prevail.

I too have been known to punish heavily for deceit or ommission of the truth. Hopefully, he's telling the truth!

Not a funny subject, but, looking at your avatar, and reading the thread......had me LMAO.

OP, sounds like you handled it just fine.

__________________
Doing the right thing isn't always the same as doing the easy thing.

OP, you must be very proud and rightfully so. What a testament to your parenting that you and you son can have this type of discussion, resolve an issue and he was able to be so open with you. Sounds like you have a great kid.

__________________
Raising my baby RIGHT!!!!!!

All the cool babies are wearing cloth!