Brendasm1 thread re: what do you think happens when you die got me thinking again. I haven't posted in soooo long. So many of you prayed for my 43 yr. old brother back in Dec.06 when he was hospitalized after treatment for brain tumor/spinal leukemia & the Dr.'s at the cleveland clinic didn't know what was wrong-he became severely ill after treatment,was on a respirator for 10 days & then came off,but was paralyzed. He was hospitalized until March 2007 & we brought him home to life in a wheelchair. We managed that with great difficulty for nearly a year & he got the flu ,ended up on a respirator again and passed away March 4,2008. I was his bone marrow donor & power of attorney for medical decisions. I had to make the decision to take him off the respirator & let him go vs. a tracheostomy & even more miserable life than what he'd already been through. I am so deeply sad & beside myself. I try to go along as if I'm getting it together for the sake of my family,but inside I'm falling apart. I just don't feel any desire to be in this world any more. I love my kids & husband, but I just don't know how to keep going-I'm not planning anything, I'd never want to hurt my family, but my brothers death has brought out the WORST in my mom & sisters-everyone is so divided,greedy & out for themselves. There is such a sense of entitlement. I realize some of this is their grieving & trying to get some sense of "control", but it's devastating to me and so deeply hurtful. I know my brother Bob would be so sad to see our family pulled apart by this. I've been trying so hard to mediate/stay neutral,but it doesn't work very well.
When Bob first died we had quite a few incredible "signs" from him-no way could have been explained away as coincidence. I keep praying & talking to him to help guide everyone & help them through this, but I've lost the sense that he's with me lately. Have any of you dealt with a situation like this? what did you do? How long does it take for the searing pain to go away?I still have that "heavy" feeling in my chest-like when they put the lead apron on you at the dentist. I don't think I'll ever get over missing Bob & all the hurt/pain.

I am so sorry for your pain and what you have had to endure for the last few years. You have not had time to grieve, in my never to be humble opinion. You are dealing with the crap that sometimes rears it's ugly head when loved ones die, so that has not allowed you a natural grieving process. Grieving is a personal thing and definitely takes some longer than others. I think that you are still basically "debriefing" from your caretaking--and in essence are still in a way caretaking your brothers' estate. Don't let yourself be drawn into the nastiness and greediness because it will only shame you down the road as it will do those who are participating in it now. Take some time each day to sit in quiet and solitude and "speak" with your brother as well as whatever higher power gives you strength and solice. Don't worry about how long it will take -- it will take as long as it takes. It will lessen over time, but will never go away....and sometimes a small tiny reminder is a blessing -- he will always be with you that way.

Take care of yourself and I hope you begin to experience peace in your life soon.

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"Well-Behaved Women SELDOM make history."Laurel Thatcher Ulrich


"Yesterday is but a vision, and tomorrow is only a dream. But today well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness, and every tomorrow a dream of hope." Anonymous

"Your candle does not lose it's light by lighting another candle" Generosity

Have the courage to be yourself.

the grieving process takes different times for different people.

I would strongly urge you to find a grief support group or grief counselor. Sometimes we all need some help to figure things out and work through our feelings.

Grief is kind of like a deep cut--when it first happens it hurts like everything, then it begins to heal and may just hurt some of the time, and even when the cut is healed there is still a scar that always reminds you of the event--that scar doesn't always hurt, but looking at it can remind you of the pain.

I think that you are still bleeding from this deep cut to your soul. I hope that you can find some peace and support in your life.

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

Very well stated!

There's a point, or there can be, where you forgive the circumstances that caused your pain, and it starts feeling better after that. Where you accept that sometimes nasty things happen for no apparent reason, that people can handle grief badly, and be hard to deal with, that you did what you could, and that someone who was sick or hurting needs to be allowed to move on. The problem with that is there are so many aspects, it can be difficult to deal with all of them, and you may never quite get there. And sometimes, little things will remind you of the person you've lost, and make you feel bitter, even when you felt like you were healed.

Counselling probably would be good for you, but it might help your mother and sisters as well. When my grandmother died, there was a little while when I wanted everything she'd had -- but I was rational enough to realise that what I really wanted was a time and situation that had already gone by. No number of items can fill the space someone filled in your life, but I don't think most people who get greedy know what they're really after. Is there a way you could discuss what items actually would help you remember him (I chose recipes, and amber earrings), and what would be better given to charity so it's not hanging around, making you feel bad?

OP, I am so sorry to hear about your devastating loss and the immense pain you've been, and are still going through. It tears at my heart to just imagine being in your shoes. You've been going through some of the most difficult times a person could imagine. I agree with jeanief that it sounds like you haven't been able to grieve for your loss, because you've been, and are still (so to speak) the care giver for your brother. (Whom I'm sure loves and appreciates you greatly, wherever his spirit dwells.) I'm very concerned for your emotional wellbeing, please don't loose yourself in this overwhelming sorrow. I think you definately need some time for yourself to mourn and to reflect on the better times with your brother. Maybe a grief counselor or grief support group would help. You may even want to talk your physician, especially if you're experiencing any physical symptoms, or think you may be experiencing "depression". Your family still needs you, and I'm sure you're brother would be more at peace knowing that you are healing. Please, just talk about it (even if only on these boards), keeping it bottled up will only make it worse and keep you from healing. Do you feel you can talk to your DH about it? He may be able to provide you with more support than you'd ever imagined. If you need to, or just want to, feel free to PM me. You will be in my prayers.

.

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No outfit is complete without cat hairs!

~~~MsMiser

I cry for my Dad most every day. I have been in a funk all week because of the anniversary of his death.
I wish you peace, and patience, and try to ignore what upsets you.

BoysRUs3,

To hear of your situation, I don't imagine anyone would be able to have "moved on" in the grieving process yet.

My dad was in the ICU for 6 weeks before passing away this past December. Those 6 weeks, as well as for long after that was largely unbearable. The pain still isn't gone, but we've learned to own it. The roller coaster ride we were on, the hanging onto every little sign and looking way too deeply into the words of each caretaker - it took the most incredible toll on us. For that reason, I can't even begin to imagine your pain - your brother was lucky to have a very large support system (as did my dad), but the support was spent on your brother, and it doesn't seem like your family has anything left to give to each other right now, which has hurt you even deeper.

I have been reading books on grieving as well as on afterlife, reading other people's accounts of what their grief was like, and having lengthy conversations with my friends about the process they went through. That all helps me to feel so "not alone" in my feelings. I would recommend the same to you, and probably would suggest a grieving support group. Sometimes the only comfort you can feel at a time like this is to be among others in their own journey of grieving.

All I wanted to know for a LONG time after my dad passed was "How will it ever be possible to feel joy again?" I just couldn't fathom that joy could ever truly be in my life again. But it DOES come back. it creeps back in, and at first you feel a little uncomfortable about accepting it.

You probably need counseling to get through some of those really big hurdles. If you have faith in God, this is the time to turn to Him, You need to take everyone and anyone up on help that they do offer. But I pray that you come to accept that in losing some of yourself, you gave your brother the most precious gifts in being his bone marrow donor and his power of attorney. Through that donation, you gave him every chance at life, and in being his power of attorney, you afforded him the release that his body needed from everything once that was the only true option for him. I hope that someday you take a measure of true comfort in knowing that your brother had you, and that you did your very best by him.

Finally, in my way-to-long post to you, I want to leave you with the words that poster "wowitsdark" had for me. I've read them over and over again, as they came to be my reality. It may take you a very long time to feel comfortable in your "new normal." You'll probably never embrace it, but you will come to accept it and find a strange sense of peace you never knew you were missing. Every morning when you wake up, you'll lay there with a heavy heart not wanting to open your eyes... but then one day, you'll wake up with the thought of something you must do that day as the primary thing on your mind, and it won't hit you until later in the day that you've reached a stage of peaceful acceptance and not frantic disbelief.

Please keep us posted. This will be such a tough journey for you. But I believe you're going to find your way back.

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"The errors of faith are better than the best thoughts of unbelief." - Thomas Russell

BoysRUs3...I think it's great that you can come hear to share with us. All of the above information/advise is very good. I'm sure that having to make that final decision was difficult...and maybe you're getting remarks about that as well. For what it's worth, I agree with you and your decsion, but I'm sure it would be hard to come to terms with it.

As far as grieving goes, it is so different for everyone...and different with each relationship. My mom has been gone 32 years and I still have my *times*. Honestly, it lasts forever but it does ease with time. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.

I have been in your shoes with my brother and my own child! the pain doesn't completely go away but it loses its power to destroy you! it becomes a somewhat sweet painful twinge in your heart that reminds you of what they meant to you!
this might be the time to tell your family that your brother would not want any of this and they are fowling his memory with their fighting!
but you also need to grieve! even to the point of maybe even admitting to your brother that you may be angry with him for leaving you and putting you in the position to make decisions that are so hard!
also realize that this is your year of firsts, by this time next year you will have been through this day without him and you will go on!
you need to grieve and pull your self up for you and your children and husband! I always told my girls that when you marry your dh and children are your family and the rest of us become relatives and your family comes before the relatives! and first and foremost you must take care of you! you brother would not want you to be torn like this, so don't fear to move on, don't be angry with your self if you go for a few hours or even days without him entering into your thoughts.

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Always be a first rate version of your self instead of a second rate version of someone else.[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds.

Sorry to be so brutally honest but grief usually lasts forever, It may not hurt so much as the years go by and the tears may not come as quick but 10,20,40 yrs later you are still gonna feel a twinge when you think about your losses. Thats just life and you have to live it. I'm sorry for your loss and your pain I hope you find something to give you peace.

Thank you everyone for your kind words and thoughtful smart advice. I have just been trying to take the "high road" and step back from my mom & sisters at times. It feels so sad,like we should be drawn together by this & appreciating that we have each other & our health-not in different corners. I have confided to my husband, but I feel reluctant to do so too much, because he's seen so much of the dysfunction and negativity in my family & he's fed up(for which I don't blame him;but this is my family & I'm stuck with them,good or bad). The roller coaster of my brothers illness & death has been so emotionally straining-not to mention draining. I just love & miss him so much despite the fact that I know he's in a better place. I'm trying to do positive things to honor his memory-I've recently resumed my "cause" for a skatepark for the kids in my city. It's a daunting undertaking having no financial support from the city, but I feel such a pull to do it because of that. My brother loved kids-he was adored by all his nephews & niece as well as the kids in his neighborhood who knew him affectionately as"Uncle Bob"-which they picked up on from my & my sisters kids being around there so much.

I think part of me is also deeply angry & disappointed in some of the Dr.'s -not that they couldn't help/heal him(I realize only God has that power) but that they were so discompassionate, rude & even neglectful. Part of me wants to seek a lawsuit-not for money, but to shame & expose those Dr.'s at Metro & Luthern hospitals ,who were just so nasty to Bob & our family. Then there's the poor inpatient care at the Cleveland Clinic.I realize there is alot of this in our healthcare system today, but if no one speaks up against it, it will never change. I've written letters to one Dr(who is also the president of one of the hospitals & worst offender)., the hospital board & the cleveland clinic. What I saw & experienced with my brother has me so alarmed that I warn people not to seek in-patient treatment there. I heard back from the clinic CEO's ombudsman who said they would be in touch, but of course,it's been 3 months & no response from them or the others. The clinic said they were "sorry" they failed/disappointed us-don't be sorry, DO SOMETHING to fix it so others won't suffer like my brother with substandard care. People pay alot of money for this, yet these hospitals main focus is building newer & bigger buildings instead of being concerned with staffing them adequately& providing proper patient care.
Thank you all for being here & listening to me vent-I only wish it made me feel better doing so-that's why I try to redirect & focus on other things I can possibly make a difference with-like honoring Bob's memory. He truly was a remarkable & courageous man,as well as a fun, loving & kind one. If any of you are interested, there is a website (started pre-BMT) that chronicles his journey-his dear friend set it up as a way to keep his many friends & family from all over informed & for him to receive messages of support from everyone. It's www,getwellbob.com I now go there everyday,sometimes more to see him,pray & remember what a great brother I had.

I am so sorry for your loss, your sadness, and your frustration at the health care system. You're dealing with a lot and I think you've gotten some good advice here. I just what to repeat what others have mentioned -- perhaps counseling would be helpful.

As "wowitsdark" told Devinmom, it may take a long time to feel comfortable in your "new normal". That last paragraph of her post describes exactly what I went through after the death of my dad last summer. Best wishes to you and I will keep you in my prayers.

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Cecilia

"We must love them both--those whose opinions we share and those whose opinions we reject. For both have labored in the search for truth, and both have helped us in the finding of it."
Saint Thomas Aquinas

My DH and I were just talking about this the other day, how long does grief last. I've lost my brother, my dear bil who was more like a brother, my mother, and six weeks after my mom died, her sister died. They have all left a hole. And at first it does seem unbearable. When I heard my brother had been killed in a car accident, I distinctly remember wondering " How will I ever laugh or smile again". I just couldn't imagine it. But, you do. Life goes on.

What my Dh and I were talking about is how things never go back to "normal" after the loss of a loved one, you just learn to deal with the "new normal".

It will get easier, I promise. Blessings.

Melissa

I too believe its different for everyone. I myself lost my father Last June 14th and I still get sad and depressed over the loss. Especially this past week being it was not only the anniversary of Dads death but fathers Day. I wish you peace and may god bless you. ((((hugs))))

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~*~Live life to the fullest*~*

My Dad lost his Father at 19 and he is in his 60's and stills gets teary eyed at the mention of his Dad so I don't know if it ever goes away.

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Without Health you have no Wealth!

I lost my brother four years ago in May. He was in the middle of us four girls and the hole he left will never be filed. At times it was hard to breathe. Sometimes, I walk around with a lump in my throat all day. A song on the radio or something one of my kids says will remind me of him and I still think that I will call him and let him know and then I remember. It will never go away but I can tell you this, it will get easier. The days of being so overwhelmed with sadness will become less frequent and there will be days when I smile at the thought of him. We girls will always miss and love him and wonder where our lives would have been if he hadn't died. Each time we are together, there are tears but there is laughter now as well. It is a long road, the grief journey.

There is no timetable as to how we are to grieve. Each person's journey is their own. Don't expect yourself to ever be over it but you will feel better. Be kind to yourself, allow yourself to feel the loss of your brother and accept that your family is grieving him as well in theri own way.

In reading your brothers web page, he sounds like such a wonderful person who has left a hole in a lot of people's lives. My brother did too. I now concentrate on how many people still go by his web page and it brings me comfort because that is what we all want to do....leave a mark in someone's life.

I am so sorry that so many people have lost siblings. It is unnatural for us and for our parents. OP, I am so sorry that you do not have the comfort of your sisters and parents to rely on so you don't have to carry the burden on your own. It will be better. Promise.

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GO NAVY WRESTLING!!BEAT ARMY!!!
RJB 3/18/60 - 5/22/04
We miss you, sweet brother
God Bless the USA!!!!! Praying for my Youngster son at United States Naval Academy, class of 2014!!

http://mylifeundertheabaya.blogspot.com/

A huge hug for you! You did the right thing for your brother don't ever doubt your decision. Talk to someone even if it is a perfect stranger at a bus stop. Your grief will be less painful with time.
Let your family grieve their own way you can not help them at this time. You need some grieving time for yourself. Think of your brother with love and know that he is in a better place with out all the pain and worries. You are a wonderful sister to have done all that you did for your brother in such trying times. Think of his heavenly smile and his freedom to jump from cloud to cloud in his heavenly home. He was a lucky guy to have such a wonderful sister.

Hearing all your stories of lost loved ones, I'm just sitting here crying for you...how sweet of you all to take the time to offer support and loving suggestions to me when most of you have had such incredible losses as well. Please know that your sharing your experiences with me has touched my heart in so many ways--Thank you all!!!

[font="Comic Sans MS"]I really feel for you. My Mother died 24 years ago, and to this day I can be shopping somewhere, and I see a mother and daughter, sometimes a baby, and I wonder why I have to be with out her. I always want to scream at the people to be thankful, they are so blessed. I will never understand, as I'm sure many others don't, how God decides who goes and who stays.[ I remember the pain being paralyzing (where you seem to be now0, then realizing that life has to go on. With time and time only it gets better. That was 24 years ago though, and to this day I miss her. I doubt a day goes by that I don't think about her. But it's manageable. Hang in there!!! /FONT]

OHw long is a difficult question to answer but i will sincerely try my best. When my beloved beautiful carng loving smart funny brother Sonny passed away from away from aids on 5/4/02 he was jsut 36 years old. For me personally grief is always there however as time as gone on I truly believe while my brother is no longer here in the flesh , he is always around me in spirit and i know he is watching over me and my family from heaven and protecting us and keeping us safe. The way people handle grief is all different it vaires from person to person for me it hits me hard when I visit the cemetary and see his tombstone, but I go and sit on the ground and I talk to him and tell him whatever I feel .I can definitely feel your pain and lossing someone you cared about so much is the worst ever. To me I have been blessed with many things in my life I do not want or wish for anything, however with all I have I would give it all up in a heartbeat and live in a shack to have my brother back, however i guess sadly god needed him more and if I could live another milllion years God could have never given me a better brother then Sonny. So for you I would say keep God close to you heart and keep your brother memories alive talk aboout him often and please please take my word, your brother is with you all the time, he is right on your shoulder being your guardian angel, peace to all Catherine

The grief never goes away it does diminish with time. What happens in my opinion is not that the grief goes away but the joys of everyday life overshadow that grief. Please remember that there are people who are still alive who want to see you happy. And there is still happiness in the world. It might make you feel better to carry on some work or dream of his. That will keep him alive.

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The political system is broke and it's a joke.

It just takes time. I would strongly suggest that you find a grief councelor or support group to help you through this difficult time. There is no shame in seeking help and it may be just what you need.

Sarah..........