I haven't posted here before but hope that I can either open other people's eyes and/or get help with dealing with the situation with my daughter. Kim is 23 years old and has an 11 month old son. She has been living with her boyfriend for two years and they had a stillborn daughter prior to their son's birth. Between the two babies, my daughter fell and broke her knee and was completely off of work for four months. Her boyfriend supported her, though she had some vacation time that she used as well as other funds so he didn't have to completely support her. She later got a settlement from the company where she was injured and was to pay her hospital bill with it and then the rest was for her. Well, since she had money, T (boyfriend) decided that HE deserved the money and she ended up spending all of it on eating out, his toys (he plays world of war craft or something like that, figures are like $15-30 EACH and then he paints them). She had gone to college for a time for graphic art and wanted to get back into it and purchased herself a laptop computer. Well, T HAD to have one too. She told him no, and he took the money and bought one any ways. It really upset her, and us too. She needed that money to pay some of her other bills as well as the hospital bill (which to this day has not yet been paid). As time has gone on various things have appeared. She lost a LOT of weight with her first pregnancy and nine months later was pregnant again. After her son was born, I heard via the grapevine (she has four younger sisters and they tell one another everything thus mom learns too) that T had told her in no uncertain terms if she got fat again he would leave her. That was the first MAJOR red light I saw. Warning to me....mental abuse is going on. They both worked at the same place for a year or so and then Kim was fired for something stupid, basically because the manager didn't like her (she worked hard and never missed work unless it was due to her injury or severe morning sickness which she had with her little girl). She had a hard time finding a job, but found one and is still there. T has two children by another woman (was married to her) and he hardly ever sees them though they do live out of state it is only 8 hours between the two places. After the baby was born, Kim had to take him to work with her (she works at a motel front desk and they allowed her to take him when he was very small, she is not allowed to take him any more). It didn't matter if T was at work or not, he HAD to sleep all night witout disruption (she worked overnight shift) and it didn't matter that she had to work. As baby got older, T had changed jobs and was working 6 - 4 and Kim worked 3 - 11 so he could have gone and picked up the baby so that Kim could do what she needed to at work. He refused. He also refused to clean the house, do the laundry, pick up after himself, saying that because he earned more than she did SHE was the one who had to do all the housework and care for the baby at all times. ANOTHER RED LIGHT (and at this point I brought it to Kim's attention that this was NOT right, that it WAS considered mental abuse etc). Well about a month ago T decided one day that he didn't like his job (he was making $10.50 / hr and working 50 hour weeks, they were FINALLY getting their finances in order and able to pay things on time) and just out and out quit. He hasn't worked since. He refuses to hunt for a job, he does not clean. He does stay home with the baby now, but I'm not sure how much attention and care my grandson is really getting. T lives for and on the computer. The mental abuse is very much there, and my husband finally recognized that she is being abused. She is depressed, doesn't care about her life, wants to live it ONLY for T and blames herself for all the bad things that have happened to her, to T and the situation that they are in. She is only working part time and would like to find a diff job but this one allows her the freedom to have time with her son, work and be able to do the other mommy things (doctor visits, etc). About three months ago, Kim was ticketed for not having car insurance (due to the fact that she had been out of work and T felt it not important enough for her to have it at the time) and was told as part of her fine that she HAS to have continuous car insurance for the next year, well now that T isn't working her car insurance hasn't been paid. She was told that if it isn't paid she will be sent to jail. If that happens, I will literally kick the S*** out of T and take custody of my grandson. I CAN and WILL show that his father is unfit, he has not left the house for over a month, does not clean the house or his son up. My grandson goes APES when either I or his aunts show up and when he goes home he throws a fit.

I grew up in an abusive home and I don't want to see my daughter live this way. This is her second abusive relationship. Please give me some ideas of how to help open her eyes. She was once a very strong young lady, he has beaten her down that she has no life left in her eyes, she is not happy nor does she smile. She is just there.

Thanks!

Laurie

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Have a great day!

Laurie
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SAHM to 5 girls

Grandma to Angel Yla Margaret 5-13-06 & Little guy Lionel Azarell 8/13/07

Laurie, I am going to go out on a limb here and say this.......I got half way thru your post and had to stop reading. The font is all bleeding into the other letters. Can you possibly change the font so it is easier to read??? If not, I understand. Hopefully someone else will come along that can read it and help you out.

I will say, as a Mom, we never stop worrying about our children, and wanting the best for them.

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Doing the right thing isn't always the same as doing the easy thing.

Hi

Would it be possible for you to change the font on you post?

I'm not trying to be snarky, but it's extremely difficult to read.

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Once the game is over, the king and the pawn go back in the same box.

I'm glad you posted this, I really was leary to post about this myself, and thought it was just me. Hopefully Laurie will change the font and can get some good advice here.

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Doing the right thing isn't always the same as doing the easy thing.

sorry ladies, I fixed it hopefully you can read it easier now.

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Have a great day!

Laurie
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SAHM to 5 girls

Grandma to Angel Yla Margaret 5-13-06 & Little guy Lionel Azarell 8/13/07

Please pay her car insurance so she doesn't go to jail. Have her and her child move in with you so she can get back on her feet. Maybe you could watch the baby so that she could go back to school.

Couple of things--being a lazy bum does not equate to an unfit parent in the eyes of the court. My children went APE when they saw their Nanny (my mom) or their Aunts---and it certainly wasn't because they were mistreated, abused or neglected. They just dearly loved their Nanny and Aunties. You will have a long road ahead of you to gain custody.

Second--you are not going to be able to tell your DD anything, nor are you going to be able to help her until she wants help. I know this because I've seen far too many abused women, and I was one. If you feel she's depressed then talk to her and let her know that you are concerned for health and offer to take her to the doctor(pay for it). But, the more you push her away from the baby's father, the bigger wedge it will drive between you and her.

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

Love is blind, Blind, BLIND! I agree, you will not be able to help her until she is ready. I know your heart must be breaking, but doing anything rash will push her away.

Speaking from experience, she sees the good times as really GREAT and the bad times as something she thinks she can deal with.

I don't know what rights grandparents have in your state, but to get you grandchild you would probably have to prove that both parents are unfit. The best you can do is be there for her and pay the car insurance to keep her out of jail.

There are a lot of very smart people on this board and hopefully someone will be able to steer you in the right direction to help Kim.

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Mary

paying her car insurance is good advice. Keep a smile on your face she knows her life is a cesspool. She doesn't need reminding.

we are making sure that her car insurance is paid, no doubt about that. I won't go after custody unless I SEE that something is wrong for sure, but there is no doubt that the father is not caring for him, he is dirty, wet and hungry whenever we pick him up from being watched by his father while my daughter is at work.

I know that there is nothing I can do to tell her that she is being abused until she has a bad eye opening experience. Unfortunately I grew up with a situation similar, my mother died unhappy and from an STD from my father. It was horrible to be a child in that house and as an adult I wish I had said something long before my mother's death, but hindsight is 20/20.

I am really afraid that she will end up with all of HIS bills, as he doesn't give a crap about paying anything, including child support. Unfortunately his ex is not going after him for this.

I am just worried about Kim, she does have bipolar disorder but refuses to acknowledge that it is that. Refuses to take medications and such.

Thanks for listening!

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Have a great day!

Laurie
~~~~~~~

SAHM to 5 girls

Grandma to Angel Yla Margaret 5-13-06 & Little guy Lionel Azarell 8/13/07

OP I know you want to help your daughter, but you also said the baby is not being cared for and that sounds pretty bad to me - I mean, your dd obviously needs help and is in a bad relationship..still, she's an adult and if she's bipolar and refuses to take meds there is only so much you can do. Besides being there for her, helping pay for insurance etc.
But what about the baby..the dad doesn't take care of him at all, while your dd is at work? The baby is almost a year old? Something could happen to him :-(

i do agree.....she should move in with you until she gets on her feet. I'm still young and I know it's not easy to leave a boyfriend but one day you wake up and realize "what the hell am i doing with hiM???" and sooner or later hopefully she'll get that wake up call and do the right thing! Not to get off subject but your grandson has the same birthday as my daughter! 11 months old and growing up fast.....I've noticed with my daughter that she picks up on things RIGHT AWAY. If he hears them arguing or anything that'll stick with him and probably make him terrified! I hope you can reach out to your daughter before she's really in too deep.

i agree with carolcarolc....speaking of something could happen to him...if the boyfriend doesn't watch closely enough he could get into alot of things like detergents or soaps. if he gets into any kind of chemical under the kitchen he can get very sick and the boyfriend would never have any idea of whats wrong with him!

Unfortunately, I don't think there is much you can do except pray and be there for that grandbaby. Obviously, T won't be around much longer, at that time hopefully your daughter will let you help her pick up the pieces.

be there for her because she needs you more than ever now make sure she knows you are thier for her & the baby & will take them in your house to help her get on her own at anytime!!! That to me is the biggest thing because sometimes no alot of times people stay because they have support of the extended family

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mom of 3 greats girls

Give her a cell phone so that she can contact you and/or 911 if needed.

Let her know that you are there for her but you have the right to live your life too. She is making a choice to be where she is... Her prison can't become your prison.

As I was reading this, it was like I was reading a letter from my friend who lives in North Carolina! It's almost the exact same situation. Her daughter is bi-polar, husband is as you have described. The only difference is that their baby died a couple of months ago due to suffocating on stuffed animals. Now CPS is involved, the other child has been taken away (they had 2 children) and the couple is on the verge of being arrested for child neglect.

Would things be different had my friend taken more of an agressive approach? Maybe. She could have told her daughter she was leaving the guy and packed up her things and the babies and brought her home with her. But she didn't. She thought they were grown and life's lessons have to be learned. She tells me now that she wished she had flown out to be with her (they live in another state) when she got that 'feeling' and brought her and the babies back home to live with her.

Now it's too late for them. If you think there is something that might cause your grandbaby harm or your daughter harm, sometimes you have to be the adult and say 'no more'.

Don't be like my friend and wish she had done more. Now she has her hands full of worrying what's going to happen to her daughter and her husband and her grandbaby and grieves for the grandbaby that died.

Has she been diagnosed w/ Bipolar by Dr.? Has she been evaluated and prescribed medicine by a Physcologist or MD?

Unfortunately, no one can force her to take the medications, no can make her understand or see that the medications actually do help (bipolars have a tendency to WANT to experience the "highs"/good moods).

If you hae evidence that she has a mental illness and is a threat to herself of others, and the father is abusive/neglectful then you should file for custody of the baby. Sometimes you have to do the right thing regardless of who you make angry or hurt (at the time).

By the way, I have never heard of any court placing a stipulation on a first time offenders "no-insurance" ticket. I'm sure they probably do, I've just not ever heard of it.

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

I like your advise Cuthie...couldn't have said it better.

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Proud to say I haven't shopped at a Wal-Mart since Sept 2003

I would also be very concerned about the safety and welfare of the baby. You say he is mentally consumed with the computer and video games. He is not fit to watch the child and something will eventually happen. Is it possible for you to watch the baby? At least then you would know he is safe.

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I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

Want to read, but need paragraphs please.

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Jackie

Music is what feelings sound like._ ~Author Unknown

Sunk costs - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

It's not just a financial thing -- this mentality is common in bad relationships as well, and you need to consider it when trying to figure out why she won't just leave.

I would also love to read what's going on, but I won't because I would have one heck of a headache by the time I am through.

you could maake an anomynous call to CPS on your daughter , just so they will do a spot check unannounced and maybe get her to see the other side, the safer side.