I'll try to keep this short....

DH fell last Thursday ice skating and broke his ankle. I was travelling on business so I was not home but our parents (both sets) took care of the situation until I could get home- accident happened on Thursday afternoon - it was too late to get a flight then and I had a 5am flight the next day.

Got home early Friday afternoon and all was under control. This is where he & I are starting to feel sorry for ourselves.... We have been very active in our church - he has visited tons of people when they were sick, we've cooked meals for other families at times of illness, death, spouse travelling, etc. We were not doing this in anticipation of the favor being returned but it would be nice to have someone act like they cared. I know people know because I loaded the family in the car Sunday and attended church. The pastor has called him a couple of times, one of his friends and one of my friends have each called once. No offers to help with childcare, cook a meal, not even a stinking call to see how we were doing. It hurts my feelings (and his) that no one has even called to see how we were making out this week. I am sure the lady who coordinates the nursury will call tomorrow night to be sure I can still meet my obligation this Sunday to help.

I'm stretched so thin... I work full-time, we live 20-30 minutes from my office so I am out of the house by 7am and usually do not get home until 5:30pm or later if I have to run an errand. I teach the elementary age girls on Weds night and am directing our VBS in a few weeks. The associate pastor called yesterday worrying about things I have not done for VBS - well I really can't drop everything and worry about VBS and right now if I did not love the children so much I would just back out. My plate is full and I usually drop into bed exhausted each night after working all day, fixing dinner for the family and doing housework. At least I have a 3 day weekend to catch up a little bit. Of course you can imagine we are a little stressed about money - DH can't work - he is getting Short Term Disability but that is only 60% of his income and who knows what the Dr bills will be.

My employer has been very good to me - I worked from home yesterday to take DH to Dr. appt and DS to hockey practice. when I was coming home Friday I was travelling with my boss and when we encountered flight delays and had to go standby on a flight he got called up to get a ticket and I didn't - he took me to the gate and asked the agent to please give me his seat because I had an emergency at home and he could take a later flight. The gate agent was super nice and said I was next in line on the list and he watched the time and as soon as someone did not come claim their standby seat he gave it to me so we could both get on the flight.

Let me tell you - it feels great just to put this all in words. Keeping it bottled up is just driving me crazy.

All I Can say is I know where you are coming from I have been there done that when I was pregnant with DS Stefan my whole church just abandoned me when I was stuck on bedrest at 9 weeks and needed help with food shopping, someone to talk to etc, my foundation went kaput, yet when it was our turn for flowers at the altar or anything they fully expected it of us and we withdrew our membership from the church it was hard to do, but we did it. All I can do is offer you cyber hugs and lots of prayers and hope that someone realizes how much you truly give and will give it back to you.

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It's tough-been there done that. The best advice I can give you is just to cherish the small blessings-your boss giving up his seat was a pretty generous offer, and him letting you work from home is huge. Let the pastor know that you could use a bit of help-I'm sure the ball will start rolling then. Sometimes we do need to ask for help, not just sit back and receive it. Sounds like you have sewn many seeds in your community, and I think if you let someone know that you could use some help, you will be amazed by the outpouring of your community. Sometimes we all just need an extra kick in the patooty to give a little extra. Speedy recovery to your DH.

I'm sorry about your husband's accident. I agree that others should help but I'm thinking that maybe they feel that you can handle the cooking and child care as you usually do. They probably do not realize that along with your husband's accident comes more responsibility for you, such as dr's appts and such. I know they should at least call and ask what you need though. I just feel it's miscommunication but I know it must hurt your feelings after all you've done for others.
HUGS and I hope your husband is feeling better and that things will improve quickly for you!

Be grateful for your boss and parents, so you don't snap just yet, and make sure to politely decline any requests for your help. If I asked someone for something, only to be told they were caring for a sick spouse, er, yeah, that would be worth all sorts of guilt, offers, and something to eat. Not to sound awful about it, but when dealing with oblivious people, you do sometimes have to tell them what you need, and let them get by without your help so they can see what they're missing.

I think your family has been such a strong, self-sufficient example to others, and most likely you're perceived as 'having it all' and that all the extras you do are done with ease. In other words, it probably doesn't occur to anyone that you all could do with some helping hands right now, yourselves!

I think I'd suggest to your pastor that he might address the congregation and ask that, this year, someone else step up and (at least) "co-facilitate" with you, in light of your family's temporary situation. In fact, that would probably be the first time that it occurs to people from your church that right now, you are in need, yourselves.

I think that you've probably figured out that you might be overextended, in general. Take time for you. Saying 'no' sometimes and taking a back seat to others can be underrated... As my mother would sometimes say "Charity begins at home." Be good to yourselves!

Good luck to your DH as well as you. Keep us posted on everything!

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"The errors of faith are better than the best thoughts of unbelief." - Thomas Russell

Devinmom hit all the nails on the head. Most importantly that people view you as able to handle it all (I mean you admit to only just letting it out here!) and therefore just don't realize that DH having a broken ankle might be putting a strain on you. Since it's probably not your nature to put out a big cry for help, perhaps choose someone to confide in and have them round up some assistance for you....

Hope the ankle heals quickly ....

Smiles&Hugs,
cj/

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I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. -Emo Phillips

I agree also. I admit that if I heard about your husband's ankle, it wouldn't occur to me that that would put you in a position of needing help from others. I agree with those that say you should say something to your pastor and be specific about what you would appreciate getting from others.

Hope his ankle heals quickly!

I completely agree with devinmom. jibbers my heart goes out to you. I've been in a similar boat and my feelings were hurt as well. (I often have a hard time saying "no", myself, and DH & DS get on me about that.) But, I doubt it's because your congregation doesn't care. They've probably just become accustomed to you being their "pillar", and it may have never even occurred to them that there may be times when you, youself, need of some support. I realize everyday life can be hectic for most. However, it would be nice if they could find the time to give you & your DH a call just to see how he's doing. You can take this situation as a blessing that pulls your family closer together. At least, you know you can count on each other (family). I hope your DH makes a quick recovery.

.

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~~~MsMiser

I can see (and have been on) both sides. I'm a very giving person, but have been in need several times when no one helped. I have the type of personality that I would never, ever ask for help. That being said, I have good intentions when I see others having problems, but sometimes my life gets in the way, time slips by, and I don't follow through by helping out.

Food for thought...DS recently said to me "you have to put on your own oxygen mask first". Not bad advise.

I agree with the others - they probably are simply clueless. I think if I heard someone's husband broke his ankle, I'd envision him getting around on crutches and having a follow-up dr's appointment in a week and another a couple of weeks later, etc. If I heard someone's husband broke his ankle, had to have surgery, and was going to be in traction for six weeks, I'd respond very differently.

I completely understand your frustration. I'm in some of the same roles you described and last summer our oldest son had pretty major cardiothoracic surgery in a hospital two hours away from home. We needed people to keep our other kids while I stayed at the hospital, etc., and his recovery time was about six weeks, which put something of a cramp in our lives. While very extensive and lengthy, his surgery wasn't especially dangerous. Prior to the operation I had so many people come up to say how worried they were for him, how they were praying for him, how they didn't know how I was holding up.... and I really downplayed his procedure. I appreciated their expressions of concern, but compared to some very serious things they thought he had that turned out to be non-issues, the procedure he *did* have seemed like a cakewalk. I don't like to be the center of attention and I hate to cry in public. And I think I probably gave off the impression that what was happening was no big deal and that we didn't need help. So nobody helped. And then my feelings were a little bit hurt.

I'll bet if you let someone know what you're up against, help will be there before you know it!

This is a very busy world we live in and God bless the people who do actually make the effort to help out a friend in need. I have been in a very similar situation this past year. Dh tore his ACL and the meniscus in his knee last year.

It went misdiagnosed for awhile, then he had to wait a long time for his surgery, so he was pretty disabled for a long time, out of work almost 10 months. I am pretty spoiled in that DH does alot of the cooking/cleaning/home maintenance/child support so when it all fell on me, with a full time job as well, it was at times very daunting. There were some bad days that I felt overwhelmed, but also alot of good days where I felt capable and strong and proud to be able to handle most things. But I realized that I could not actually do it all. My advice to you is decide what it is you need help with and actually ask people for help.

Start with yours/his parents for transporting him to Drs visits and therapy, and also transportation for the kids needs. My kids are teens, so I had them call friends for rides that they needed. Think of different ways of doing things. I grocery shopped on the way home from work, rather than make a separate trip like I used to do. Simplify meals. Save big cleaning and projects for the days that DH is back in the swing of things. Break big tasks into smaller one. We were in the height of leaf season here after Dh's surgery (those in New England know the kind of work that involves). The kids and I each raked one barrel per day (more on weekends) and it got done.

Think about how this is a temporary situation that will resolve and be over and done with. I always kept in mind that things could be worse and that other people deal with much more extreme and long term situations.

This is pretty much, me, too. I am usually the first to step in and help, but, the last to ask for help when/if I need it.

The thing that has me unsettled is that your church did not step in and offer meals, etc. Even "if" they think you can handle it, I thought they just did this anytime there was reason. DD was recently in the hospital, and DH was in the process of switching to a new church....and had not even BEEN to the physical church itself, just had been meeting with members, elders, etc. Well, the church was all set to bring dinner to us at the hospital.

Sadly, I think many have lost touch with the "niceties". People are SO busy....which, personally, I think many use as an excuse to get out of doing something they really just don't want to do....."oh, sorry I haven't callled in SIX months....I've been SOOOO busy". I don't buy it. I make time for what is important to me and my family, and I, too, am BUSY.

Sorry you were disappointed.

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Doing the right thing isn't always the same as doing the easy thing.

Ok, I belong to a very tighknit church and we do alot of meals, yard work etc. for those that need it. It would NEVER occur to me that a broken ankle would require help, when there is an available spouse and family nearby to help out. I would be clueless BECAUSE I have never had a broken bone so I would have nothing to relate to, I don't have a clue as to how it would affect a family. My DD had a broken foot once, but then she is not responsible for doing anything she ws 10 at the time. Surgery I can relate to, hospital stay I can relate to, but a broken bone I have no frame of reference to, it just wouldn't occur to me that someone would need help. I would let them know how over extended you are and I would cut back on the extra church activities for right now (VBS and other extras) until you can get things going ok at home. I know our church really helped us out when we needed support. When my now 22 year old had a brain tumor and was in the hospital 90 miles away, we just kept getting money for travel expenses, $300, then $400, then an $100 bill in a card in the mail with no name on it, people would just hand me $20 and say use it for gas. We could have managed, but it sure made it much easier, because we were driving to the hospital everyday. Dinners werebrought by the house. When my mom died the church brought food everyday and did a big funeral dinner.

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I have to agree, if someone broke a bone, I wouldnt think about offering help.
I believe in karma, and you will get yours
Praying for a fast recovery

Well put me in the boat of people who have helped others plenty of times and not gotten 'help' when they really needed it. We had an EF-4 tornado rip through our town and hit homes less than 100 feet from ours. NO ONE from either my family or DH's even called us to see if we are okay - we are still waiting!! I am one of those people who volunteers, mails things to friends when there is a fire or disaster, sonates to charity, and we don't even get a phone call from family!!

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Your husband and son can help you out at home with the household chores the cooking ,cleaning and laundry. Who does these things when you are out of town? If your child is big enough for hockey he is old enough to sit down with yourself and your husband and plan the VBS.
There are many one parent families for whatever reasons. These people run their lives alone every day, day in and day out without church help. 60% of a persons income is not much different that after tax money and is a whole lot better than it happening to a family who does not have the benefit of sick pay.
This is a great time for bonding between your husband and son and great things can happen even with a short term disability. If you are over extended in your outside obligations ask for help or back out at this time. There is nothing wrong with that.
Church people have lives too and may have way bigger burdens than you that you have no idea of. There are many churches where they do not even know your name!mine included. You are not the only one in the family boat so captain delegate jobs and ask for outside help when needed. There are many out there who would switch boats with you anytime.

It wouldn't occur to me either.

I wouldn't have thought it either. Do you belong to a specific church group (women's organization, Emmaus, etc) that you can mention your need to someone? For our Church, we have more than 5000 members. If we know of a need, we act on it, but we don't always know. It just takes one email, though, to our Emmaus group to have enough volunteers to bring a daily meal for several weeks. Maybe you could access something like that?

I agree. Your husband can do all sorts of things while he is home. He can chop veggies, fold laundry. pay bills, take phone calls, etc. Your son should be helping out and you should be practicing learning how to say "NO" more often.

Sit down and make a list of everything that takes up your time and start weeding out those that really do not go towards the maintaining of your household. After the ankle is healed and your husband is back at work, get the list out and see if there is any one thing on your list that you really miss doing and add it back into your schedule.

That old adage that charity begins at home is never more true than when home is in danger of going down the drain because you have over-extended. It's time for the three of you to pull together and help each other get through this rough time. You owe this to your family. If you get stressed, you might get sick and then where would all of you be? You truly can only count on yourselves. If others help, well and good, but you should be prepared to handle it by yourselves.

I'm not the OP, but, after reading and re-reading her post and the replies, I think it's not so much that she needs the "help" as much as she doesn't feel appreciated by those that she has helped in the past. I may be way off, but, that is what I think, and that is how I feel when something like this comes up for me. Example: I used to always send birthday cards, gifts, etc..... RARELY did we receive anything in return. DH's cousin had a baby 1 1/2 years before I did. Of course we sent a card and gifts. When we had our baby, we didn't get so much as a card from them. People (in general) just don't think outside of their own little family bubble. When FIL and MIL were sick, I made a home made chicken pot pie and delivered it to them. Of course they could get up and feed themselves, but, what a nice gesture for someone you care about.

OP, maybe you can clarify if I am off base.

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Doing the right thing isn't always the same as doing the easy thing.

Yes I agree with you. The title is "disappointed" and I can understand that. As you can see, many on this thread unfortunately have had very similar experiences.

My DH has had 13 major depression episodes and yet the best our pastor at the time could do is call and check if my DH was still going to make the Easter Banner. I even had a talk with the Pastor and discussed how maybe the elders and pastor could come and pray, blah blah, but nope he never did. I was head of all the committees at one time or another and made meals, ran VBS was the secretary of the church, everything. DH was worship leader and nope, no meals back, no help, nothing. I found it disheartening and discouraging. My final conclusion for our family is: we give and do because that is what God wants us to do. We continue to do that. And as for getting back, well we stick together as a family and trust that God will take care of us and we just don't expect anything from anyone else.

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I also think it's fair to point out, though, that those in the church might well think the same way many of us here do -- it would never occur to us that the OP would need the help of the church for this circumstance. Prayers, of course, but extra help, food, visits? It's not clear to me why there would be any need for that.

Yes, everyone says perhaps they would not think a broken ankle would make people think to make meals.........HOWEVER, it is obvious that the pastor, associate pastor and some friends OBVIOUSLY know that there is a problem. Yet they did not pass on the information, nor did they come to visit, nor to pray, or anything. I am not making a big fuss.....I am just supporting her feelings on this issue. Yes there are 2 sides to everything. Yes we do what we do because of God and not because of people doing for us. Yet she is feeling a bit disappointed.
I get it. I do too. The associate pastor didn't want to offer help, he wanted to make sure she was working on the project. As I mentioned above, I also got no help, just a reminder that the Easter Banner was due.
It's human nature. No one is perfect and we can't expect it. But sometimes, JUST SOMETIMES, it is sad and disappointing.

:hugs: to the OP I think that's all she wants right now.

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Yes, of course it's fair to say that. However, the fact remains that they did not show enough concern to even "offer" and surely you can relate to that, I think we all can. That is what I am getting from the OP's post.

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Doing the right thing isn't always the same as doing the easy thing.

I agree. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that we're just all so different and where the church is concerned, like the analogy in the Bible describing the need for hands, feet, and eyes working together, OP is obviously a 'hands' sort of a 'doer' person who is perceptive of the needs of others... and the talents/insight of those others lies elsewhere and they simply aren't clued in to the fact that they should reciprocate. It's one thing to 'get' that intellectually, and quite another to feel the silence it creates at a time when, were the OP on the other side of the issue, a phone would be ringing to offer a helping hand.

It would not occur to me to make an offer of help when I had no reason to think that help would be needed.

Not even just as a kind gesture to show you care??? Really??? Wow, I offer help when it doesn't appear to be needed all the time. Just how I am, I guess.

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Doing the right thing isn't always the same as doing the easy thing.

Well, aren't you just wonderful, then. Give yourself a pat on the back!

No, I don't go up to people who appear to be doing just fine and dandy and offer them help. Guess that makes me a real jerk, huh?

All you do is tell people they are funny, (when you can't think of a question to ask over and over), or make worthless comments like this. Figure it out for yourself. And, no, before you hit the keyboard, I am not funny.

dl

Don't sell yourself short. You're funny.

Oops, I did sell myself short, on that point alone, you are right for once. I neglected to mention that among your fine attributes, you also like to have the last word.

dl

Why the sarcasm??? Sadly, I think your reply speaks volumes.

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Doing the right thing isn't always the same as doing the easy thing.

[quote=allinaugust;3014783]Why the sarcasm??? Sadly, I think your reply speaks volumes.[/QUOTE}

Why the sarcasm? Go back and read the post of yours I was replying to.

[quote=truble2301;3014788] I did, and here it is for everyone else to see, as well: "Not even just as a kind gesture to show you care??? Really??? Wow, I offer help when it doesn't appear to be needed all the time. Just how I am, I guess. __________________" no sarcasm, and if it came across that way, it was not intended. But, once again, you avoid answering a question by redirecting the question. I was really trying to find out why the sarcasm???

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Doing the right thing isn't always the same as doing the easy thing.

[quote=allinaugust;3014792]I answered the question by answering the question. No misdirection. I responded in what I considered an appropriate tone, given yours. If you want to allege that there was no sarcasm or nasty implication in your comments and punctuation, I will accept that as your claim.

You're funny.

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"The errors of faith are better than the best thoughts of unbelief." - Thomas Russell

You know, I feel bad for the OP, who only posted here because she was feeling bad. Too bad silliness from the election board had to spill over.
I would not think to give the OP help if she didnt ask for it, but I have also been in situations where I have tried to do everything for everyone, juggling too much stuff, then become depressed when every one else seems only comcerned about themselves.
After facing alot of depression this past month, with the first anniversary of losing my dad (I am sure you are all sick of hearing about it, but it does depress me), almost losing my best friend to a terrible almost unknown to me serious life altering disease, and not being able to do anything about it...I dont epect anyone to feel sorry for me, and I will get over it, but sometimes we all have hard times, and maybe the OP just hoped to get a tiny bit of feeling from a usually sympathetic group here at MC. Sometimes too when something big happens in your life, the small stuff becomes big too. I am going to try to be a better friend, mother and wife after all of this, but I am also going to try to take care of me too.
So, OP, I understand how you feel. It stinks sometimes when it feels like no one cares, and you do so much caring for everyone else. I dont have any other advice for you but I hope you cheer up...

Obviously this thread got side-tracked. For three days, it did stick to the topic, but in the last day, it certainly veered.

But I don't think that's bad, in this situation. OP will probably come out of this thread realizing that there are so many ways to read, as well as misread, her situation. And many different perspectives were represented here!

To me the consensus here was that people probably just didn't realize that OP's family is in need at this time. There are a variety of reasons for that, all aforementioned.

Many posters have been in the same boat. Virtually everyone feels that OP needs help. Some of us feel it should have been obvious, and some seem to think that the direct approach is probably necessary, since most of the church/community might not be aware of how DH's broken ankle has impacted the entire functioning of a family.

There are strong feelings here, and strong personalities. But I still believe that every person who responded feels for OP, and hopes she gets through this hard time, and that the people surrounding them rise up to the need.

It IS a vibrant message board, and personalities here do tend to spill over. But I think there's a lot to be taken from the majority of responses.

Please update us, OP, when you can.

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"The errors of faith are better than the best thoughts of unbelief." - Thomas Russell

Does the church have a person who is in charge of keeping track of who is in need that the minister is to get ahold of each time something like this comes up? Sort of a 'volunteer coordinator' or 'Sunshine Committee Chairperson'...

I'm a person who will act and give but only when I have received notification through the proper channels that there is a need. I'm this way because there are honestly people who do not want to be bothered when they are not feeling well (myself being one of those people!).

I hope that your DH is feeling better and that you are doing okay. Please let the minister know that you need help ASAP. Communication is key and you don't want to end up leaving the church over this.

Take charge of your destiny. I am sure that there are people out there who would help you if you let them know that you are feeling close to the end of your rope.

It nevers ceases to amaze me how one person can hijack a thread and make it about herself!

But, OP, I know exactly what you are talking about. The first thing you need to start doing is cutting back on working at the church. I have learned that the more you do, the more you're expected to do. As for the pastor calling you about VBS, that, I'm sure, was probably one of the things that tipped the scales, didn't it? It's almost like a mentality in some churches (note I said "some") that church comes before everything. This isn't what God intended. God should be first, then family, then church. Sometimes, though, you do have to learn the hard way and this has probably opened your eyes to see that family is very important! You can't depend on other people in emergency times because everyone is so busy and involved with their own problems. This has happened to our family on occasions too. I used to do just about everything there was to do at our church (play piano, teach SS, do VBS, Awana, lead childrens' choir, you name it --) Then I started having health problems. It was almost a mentality of 'why aren't you here -- you're getting out of God's will'!! And yes, we'd get the phone calls, too, even though we were having physical problems, of can you do this, can you do that?

But I remember once, a wonderful pastor wife's we had (they've now left the church), but I was in a car accident and hurt my neck and was in horrible pain (which already had problems to begin with), and was sitting at home while DH worked and had two boys to tend to, and she called me and said "I'm on the way down to your house with PIZZA!" She didn't say 'can I do anything' or 'if you need anything', she just DID it! That meant more to me and it's something I'll always remember. It was one of the nicest things someone could have done.

So, OP, I do know how you feel. For those who don't actually participate and do a lot of things in the church, I don't think you realize the feelings the OP is feeling. I think I would tell the pastor that he offended you when he called about VBS. You should tell him to find someone else to do VBS (yes, they WILL find someone) and you should start trimming down your work in the church. Your family should come before that.

When the pastor had called you, did you express how hard it's been, what type of help you need, how this has interfered with your job or any other problems you have encountered? Or did you say "everything is fine"?

I think you should give some of these people the benefit of the doubt.
I, too, would not have thought a broken ankle would cause someone to experience the additional hardship you describe.
I agree with others who suggested some things your husband and son can do to ease some burdens.

I would also suggest that you ask for help. Yes, you should not have to, considering the help you've given previously. However, some people may really not know. I can't imagine the people would deliberately slight you in this manner. I've found if you really want or need something, it's ok to ask.
You might also want to check to see if there is a Medical Transportation Service available in your area. That may help with getting your husband back and forth to his appointments.
If you are comfortable, see if your son can carpool with another child going to hockey practice. I can't imagine someone not wanting to assist you in this manner, considering your circumstance.

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Real eyes...realize...real lies.

This is a very frustrating situtation that I have experienced to varying degrees many times.

I used to be the person who would be called when anybody needed anything. I did not keep a tally nor did I expect something in return but somewhere in the back of my mind I knew I was making a "spiritual deposit" and hoped that should the day every come I could make a "withdrawl". Well that day came and NOBODY was there for me.

I no longer give so freely and I have learned that many times stranger will be more willling to help than a "friend".

I agree with being more selective with your helping of others. Charity starts in our own backyards. We must tend to ourselves and our family first in order to even be "healthy" enough to help others.

And sometimes people might think "oh she is the one who does everything for everyone she is so strong she doesn't need our help"

Well just as others ask for help so must you. Call someone and ask "couild you bring my husband lunch on your way home today" or "I am going out of town could you check in once a while" or "I am exhausted can you coach the team this week"

Sometimes people just need to know what to do.
I am hoping in your sitaution this is the case.

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