I'm more of a lurker, but I enjoy reading everyone's ideas and you guys seem to always have good ideas about what to do, so I'm asking for your help with what I should do.

I just received a phone call that my DD10's best friend's dad committed suicide. I'm just sick beyond belief and don't know how to tell my daughter and more importantly, what to do for her friend.

Her friend's parents were divorced and her father had primary custody. Her mother lives about 45 minutes away and she would go to her mother's most every weekend - so she wasn't a friend who got to spend the night a lot, but she went to Wednesday night church with us every week and just got back from summer church camp with my DD.

This summer she was staying with her parents reversed of what she normally does - she was spending the week days with her mom and the weekends with her dad, so she wasn't home when this happened.

From what I understand it happened around 5:30 tonight and I found out around 9:30. I didn't tell my DD tonight and I've been thinking about how to tell her, because she had spend quite a bit of time with her dad too. She never spent the night with them, but went bowling with them, spent some afternoons at their house, things like that.

I'm mostly interested in ideas about what to do for her friend. I was thinking of having my DD get her some kind of angel - but other than that I have no ideas. When the time is right, I will definately offer an invitation for her to come to our house, but I'm sure she will now be living with her mom full time, so will probably not be going to school with my DD and not even be living in our town at all anymore.

I'm just at a loss and so sad about this whole situation. I know this is going to just crush DD's friend. She's such a sweet girl whom I love dearly. I've done nothing buy cry since I found out.

Anyway, if you've gotten through all of my rambling and have any ideas about things we can/should do for her friend, I'd love to hear them because I really do want to do the right thing.

I want her to know how much we care about her.

I don't have any advice, I am not good at that. But just try to be there for the little girl.

__________________

I would try to call her mother and ask her if there's anything you and your daughter can do to help. If the mother will allow it, try to get the girls together as much as possible, so the girl will know her friends still love and care for her. I was considerably older than that when my father died, but I remember the feeling of abandonment when friends who didn't know what to say or do just avoided me.

I would simply tell your daughter that her friend's father passed away. I wouldn't share details until she asks, but, if she does, I wouldn't lie either. If she asks, I would tell her that he was in a lot of pain and needed the pain to stop.

So sad for that little girl. Suicide is the ultimate act of selfishness, I think, even though I know that anyone who does it must be in terrible pain. To leave a child, though -- I can't fathom what he must have been thinking. Such a tragedy.

I think it was on this board that I read about someone having a teddy bear made out of the person's shirt or something. I think that is a wonderful idea. Also, if you had taken a picture of her with her Dad, maybe put that in a frame for her, also, if you have a picture of your DD and her, that will surely be a comfort, as she will not get to see your DD as often, and a picture will be a nice comfort for her. I would definitely get in touch with the Mom and see what you can do to help. Now, I don't mean this to sound mean,but, don't just ask how you can help, DO IT. By this I mean don't say "let me know if I can help in any way" NO ONE asks for help usually in these situations. It's about all they can do to get out of bed in the morning....it's all just a big fog. Just drop off meals, do laundry, whatever....just hop right in and do it.

I would tell your DD how her friend's Dad died. It is going to come up eventually. But, I don't know your DD, so you can better judge that. When my DD was 10 I would not have had a problem explaining that to her.

Good Luck......

__________________
Doing the right thing isn't always the same as doing the easy thing.

Do you know the mother? You will be in a difficult position because you will be associated with the "father's side". Call her. Say you are the mother of her friend. Ask if it would help to have the child come to your house to make cookies, bake bread, or whatever activity your dd and her friend would do BUT if the mother lives 45 minutes away you will be responsible for getting the child and returning her home. Figure out what you CAN do. I agree with no blanket statements of "just let me know what I can do". Those statements are totally useless and are only said to make the speaker feel better. Know what you want to do. Make a meal, drop off food for the funeral, offer to stay in the house while everyone else is at the funeral or funeral home...know what you can do and then talk to the mother. Gushing about how your heart is broken for the child will not help one whipsnitch.

__________________
Lyn Clarke

I would make up a bunch of little care packages and send her one maybe once a week just to let her know you are thinking of her. I would also get her a diary so she could write out her thoughts that she may feel too afraid to actually tell anyone else. Most of all I would let her know that you love her and are there for her when ever she may need it. Also don't get your feelings hurt if she pushes you away sometimes, just be there when she is ready. This will also be hard for your DD so putting the care packages together may be therapuetic for her. She will feel like she is doing something.
For her mother maybe two weeks from now start dropping by food or hire a service to bring food. They will be flooded with help in the begining but may need it more later.

OP, are you married or have an SO? I would encourage your daughter and husband to stay close to this girl. She will need a male role model in her life for years to come........Invite her over to your house often, even if she doesn't come at first, keep trying.

My daughters soccer teammate lost her father to cancer about 2 years ago (she was about 14) and now has fallen in with a rough crowd......quit soccer, church, etc and now is a partyer and into boys, smoking, drinking.

__________________
"It's not about how much baggage you have, it's about whether or not you can carry your own baggage with grace and dignity."

I agree with allinaugust. You should tell DD how the man died. She's old enough to know, and better from you than her friend. Not telling her would put her in a awkward position with her friend. Also, try to think of something suitable that you can just do without offering. Some of the suggestions mentioned sound good to me. Are there any other children,...or is the friend an only child? Any pets that will need to be cared for?

Good luck to you and DD. I'll keep the family in my prayers.

We went through this with my son and his friend. Our son's friend's parents had been divorced for a year or two. He and my son were very close. In fact, he spent most weekends at our house. I used to say that when his parents got divorced, my husband and I got partial custody of their son! (J for future reference in this post)

J was very quiet about everything for quite a while. The suicide was very traumatic. (his dad had shot himself with a shotgun while in his own truck) He asked our son to come to the funeral with him, which he did. J for the most part did not want to talk about it. So we told him whenever he was ready, if he every needed anything, he could come to us. He continued spending most weekends with us,

I don't know how old your friends daughter is. J was almost 17 when this happened. When a parent dies and leaves a minor child, Social Security sends a monthly benefit to the surviving CHILDREN. (I would assume also to the spouse if unmarried) J went on a spending rampage with this money. Instead of saving it for his future, he used it for drugs and beer and a new car and squandered the money.

Our son had to distance himself somewhat at this point, as he wanted no part of this lifestyle. The mother continued counseling with J. J was very rebellious for a while. It took a lot to get him back into life. He was very rebellious at home, wouldn't follow his mother's rules, and was eventually thrown out of the house. He went from friend to friend, staying with them, until he finally worked it out with his mother.
He is now attending community college and working. So after 3 years, he has somewhat of a normal life.

With your daughter, I would definitely tell her what happened. It is much better coming from you than from her friend. Answer any and all questions that she may have. Most likely, she (along with you) will become a support for her friend. Make sure to tell her that if her friend is acting strangely in any way, to let you know about it, so that her mother can be made aware. Try to keep things as normal as possible with your daughter's friend, so she is not losing more than a father. Let her mother know that you will help in any way possible, and encourage your daughter to keep up her friendship with the girl.

Can you do like a build a bear type thing? Then when she misses her dad she can have something to hold onto.

__________________
I've never lied to you. I've always told you some version the of truth.

How very sad for her ! I really do not have any advice..but my heart goes out to her. I would say, be there to answer questions.

__________________
Live, Love, Laugh

The very, very best thing you can do is to not over react now and over do now. Everyone else will be, in effect, smothering this family now. And then they will move on with their lives and either lose contact or drastically drop off their interaction.

Be slow, be steady, be there for a long time to come.

dl

[quote=fafardsmommy;3018307]I would make up a bunch of little care packages and send her one maybe once a week just to let her know you are thinking of her. I would also get her a diary so she could write out her thoughts that she may feel too afraid to actually tell anyone else.


Excellent ideas. Do you know what the Dad's favorite music was? Maybe make a CD of his favorites for the daughter to listen to. I know when I listen to my mom's favorites, I feel very close to her.

I echo what AllinAugust and others said - don't ask if there's anything that can be done, just take the initiative and do it. A lot of people may be feeling very standoffish right now, as many people will be ill at ease about the sad tragedy. Be one of the people who can be depended on to not seem that way. It will be so appreciated. Bring dinner- bring pizza - ask when would be a good time to have DD's friend stay over - invite her a lot.

Do all the things that you can think of - I cannot tell you how many people said "If there's anything I can do..." 7 months ago when our family experienced a loss. But I COULD tell you who just took the initiative. There were less than you'd think. Please DON'T assume that everyone's there for them right now - everyone is probably busy assuming the same thing.

Regarding what your daughter can do - I would tell her what happened, but be sure to say that he must have been suffering beyond what anyone ever knew. As long as your DD has compassion for both her friend's dad, and her friend, she'll be in the best position to continue to be there for DD, who probably could some understanding right now. You sound like a great friend - the family is lucky that they have you.

__________________
"The errors of faith are better than the best thoughts of unbelief." - Thomas Russell

A little update - we did tell our DD yesterday and she honestly didn't say much. She is the type of child though to not say much at first and then ask lots of questions after she gets her thoughts together. I'm going to talk to her about it a little more today if she doesn't end up bringing it up herself.

Like others have said - the difficult thing about offering to do things is that I really don't know her mother at all. I've met her one time when she picked her daughter up at our house after she spent the night. I'm going to try to get her phone number so that I can talk more with her in the next week or so.

I have also found out some more of her relatives in the area, so I would definately be able to be in contact with them.

The visitation is tomorrow night and I'm debating whether or not to take DD. I'm leaning toward taking her. She's been to visitations and funerals before for relatives, but they were all much older and it was just very different. I do think that it would be good for her friend and possibly for her too.

As a Hospice Nurse, I would suggest asking her if she wants to go to the visitation. Stress to her that she does not have to see the body, if the coffin is open, but rather she can go to sit with her friend for a bit. Both your daughter and her friend may benefit from a little kid time BUT warn her that the family may not want her visiting privately on her own (some families want every one in the receiving line at all times) and there may be a ton of cousins already captivating her time. Explain all the circumstances she may encounter and keep the visit short- no more than 15 minutes unless the line is extremely long. IMHO.

__________________
Lyn Clarke