All the time . . . And I'm not . . .
How does everyone else deal with it ? ?
My hubby is alway in the mood and I mean always, I almost think he is a sex addict and he thinks he is "normal" and that I should give in more . . .
Everyone is the world can't have a perfect sex life and I need details.
My best friend just told me that her and her hubby have not had sex in about a year. I was shocked and she just said they have been very busy this year. He lost his job and then they moved from Texas to California, then he was looking for a new job and starting the new job and just getting settled in California. I guess I am just shocked cause my hubby will not leave me alone . . .

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Mommy to three wonderful boys, Justin (11), Nicholas (9) and Scottie (8)

sounds like mine, i go to sleep and ignore him normally.

We hardly ever fight but he got a huge earful when he wouldnt leave me alone after I just got back from my grandfathers funeral. I told him how selfish he was when i just got back from burying my grandfather who in my mind was suppose to be here forever. who took care of me every weekend from the time I was 3 til 13, who I spent every summer all summer with <Grandpa has a 350 acre farm and I could just do whatever I wanted within reason> and that's all he could think about. that's the nice version and after that I slept on the couch for almost two weeks. He should have known how much my grandparents mean to me I call my grandmother 2-3 times a week. He only has his mom and dad left, I lost my mom 5 years ago and now my grandfather. maybe it doesnt bother him as much since he's been through the loseing family member thing a lot more than me.

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We are the complete opposite! I'm always in the mood and he's not. My job is very relaxed and low / no stress and his is very stressful and he's outside in the heat. I can totally understand why he's not in the mood. I've been cleaning extra to take my mind off of it! We deal with it!

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Kristee
Kritter0114@aol.com

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[quote=mkjn1999;3026038]
My best friend just told me that her and her hubby have not had sex in about a year. QUOTE]

A YEAR?? Holy cow.

I don't like to discuss our private life online but Dr. Oz recommends 3 - 4 times a week I believe. (dh likes his opinion...lol)

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It always makes me so jealous when I read about how others get to have it every night or 3 or 4 times a week.I'm lucky to get it 4 or 5 times a year and it drives me crazy.

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I think at different stages in your life you get it more some times and less others. Depends on what going on, like babies/small kids (harder to get together) and other things, like jobs. I have been married quite a while in my eyes, and I have noticed ebbs and tides. It just part of life.

I use to have a very similar problem....but was told by a professional to compromise. Take how many times you want to have sex and how many times he wants to have sex (no more then 7) and find the median. Then give yourselves 3 month to build up to that frequency. I was told that even though I wasn't in the "MOOD" to try on days that it didn't bother me or wasn't totally against it. The more you have it the more your body wants it. DH and I would go a year without it when he was deployed, so I learned to not have it and not to think about it. It became a routine, I guess. So it took awhile, almost the whole three months. But the frequency DH wanted it went down a little once he was getting it on a more frequent basis....but don't get your hopes up to much....I said a little...lol.

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This is so true. Sex is one of the subjects that gets debated in our home. My dh would love once or twice a day....I am happy with once or twice a week. One of the things that has helped us get alone time is to plan several times a year to go away for a night. We usually go to a local Inn that is very romantic, with a fireplace, jetted tub, etc. Finding alone time in our house is rare. I work days, dh works the overnight shift. I am ready for bed when he is just waking up. It has taken us many years, but we have found that talking about it helps. If you don't take the time to be honest about your feelings, it could lead to major problems. Communication can help deal with the subject...ignoring each other will only make it worse.

This has ever only happened once. My DH is not an instigator. I am. He doesn't ask for it but once in a blue moon (but we do have sex 2-3 times a week). One time he asked and I simply didn't feel well (which he didn't know). Since he so rarely asks, I would have felt horrible to say no entirely. I offered him some hand action and he was fine with that. I would never ignore him, even if he asked every night. I can imagine how I would feel if he did the same to me! That said, we do talk about how much each of us thinks is "normal" and that it's okay if we don't hit that mark every week. I guess I am lucky that we feel the same way about "normal"...2-3 times a week. I think the longest we went without was 2 weeks and that was because I was horrible sick one week and then he got it. If sex is something that is super important to your spouse, you need to make a concession to have it more BUT your spouse must also concede to do things that are important to you. It's a two way street....

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Proud to say I haven't shopped at a Wal-Mart since Sept 2003

My husband would be a two-a-dayer, but he's just too old for that anymore.

I am happy with once or twice a week personally, I am just tired by the time we actually get to it. Before kids we were much more active, I just don't have the energy to put into it anymore, sometimes it feels like just one more thing on the to do list. I know not nice and I feel bad, but I am beat after running all day with the kids.

DH or course thinks everyone has it at least 5 times a week and he's deprived.


Glad to see I'm not alone.

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"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked." ~ Bernard Meltzer

No, you are not alone.

I was reading once how men's top "need" is intimacy with their wife, while women's top "need" is communication. How would you like it if your husband's just tell you they don't want to listen to you because "they're not in the mood?" I also heard, that men only seem like they are sex addicts if they are not getting it enough, so of course it is on their mind 24-7, but if they start getting it regularly, then it's not #1 on their mind. Just like a starving person would be constantly thinking about food and trying to find ways he can get food, once fed on a regular basis, that's not the only thing on his mind.
Just something to think about.

Wow. I'm shocked. I guess I am in the minority on this one. I want it everyday.

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I'm the kind of woman when my feet hit the floor in each morning, the devil says "Oh crap, she's up."

Although there are other factors, hormones have a lot to do with it for both men and women.

Yeah, medications have a huge impact as well.

Give him a couple of hand jobs a day. Let him have a quickie now and then. Don't feed him oysters.
"Charge" him for it by assigning "chores" or "favors" he can do to earn "treats".
Spend a lot of time being affectionate generally speaking.

Consider yourself lucky. No matter what you think about his libido he is so turned on by you that he cannot resist. That is a compliment. He may not say it but there is something about your looks and personality the whole package that when he looks at you he cannot resist.

No matter how you feel about it think about how lucky you are. I bet some women read this and wish their husbands were as horny as ours and found them so appealing as your husband finds you!

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The political system is broke and it's a joke.

Wow....way to make a woman feel guilty about something that may not be her fault.
OMG! I am appalled by the suggestion that the OP should be the one who has to do all the changing. Maybe her horn dog of a husband should do a little changing! Maybe she has something medically wrong that decreases her libido. MAYBE he has a problem.

Maybe if he helped out around the house more, helped with the kids, maybe if he actually took the time to ROMANCE his wife more she would be more in the mood!

I guess I have a different definition of what is affection and intimacy. Sex does not equate to love or intimacy or affection.

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

I did not read that guilt into it at all. If a woman has a medical problem that prevents he from having sex, that is different than "not being in the mood". I didn't read that there was a medical problem , just the mood wasn't there

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Proud to say I haven't shopped at a Wal-Mart since Sept 2003

and maybe she isn't in the "mood" because he's a jerk, or he smells bad, or whatever. Sometimes, it's nice to be "put" in the mood by some romancing and communication. Insteard of him rolling over and saying "wanna screw?" I mean really! Could be the problem is his, and not hers...

And medical evidence has shown that for the most part, women have lower libidos than men--if for no other reason than they find themselves exhausted at the end of the day and are just too darned tired.

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

Your points are well taken. The problem could be his entirely. I just didn't see a guilt trip in the post you mentioned. Just a point...that's all. If he's a jerk then he needs to be talked to. If *I* had to wait to be romanced to be put in the mood, I would be waiting a lifetime. There isn't a romantic bone in my DH's body. Communication is key and every marriage is different.

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Proud to say I haven't shopped at a Wal-Mart since Sept 2003

Did this strike a personal chord for you, or something? Seems like a very emotional reaction to someone's valid suggestion about a personal situation...

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"The errors of faith are better than the best thoughts of unbelief." - Thomas Russell

My DH is one of those anytime anywhere kind of guys who hits on me constantly and gropes when no one is looking. When the kids were little I resented the fact that I was the sole caretaker, going to school, working, and cleaning the house and I NEVER wanted anything to do with him. The older I get and the more independent the children are, I tend to be "persuaded" a little easier. My DH is not romantic either but when he does something on the honeydo list, then I get pretty thrilled.

Sorry, just had to quote you on this... What better reason then to try mornings! Can't complain about being tired!

I have a sister on medications that affect her "mood" and I KNOW there are things that can do that, like BC pills and stuff. If that is the problem, then maybe a talk with the dr on trying different kinds of medicines may help.

But (we're talking ONLY about mood here) honestly, for a guy who needs to feel loved by being intimate with his wife to constantly have her convienently "sleeping" or just not in the mood, what a trample on his ego. Most guys, reasonably, if given "it" enough, aren't the horn dogs they are made out to be... And what a compliment that he wants you that much!

wont be happening here tonight either since I just picked my oldest up at the police station

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Why yes it did---because I have seen too many friend devastated because their DH cheated on them with the excuse of "well, if I got it at home, I wouldn't have to go looking for it..."

Also, having been the victim of abuse and having worked with abuse--Abusers use the sex card as a way to manipulate their spouse, for example "maybe I wouldn't have snapped at you, if you'd pay a little more attention to me in bed". I have actually seen men withhold money from their wives until the wives "satisfy" their man. So, it appalled me to hear someone suggest trading favors for sex--that denegrates both parties involved! It's appalling to hear "count yourself lucky that he finds you attractive and wants to have sex with you." So, if the physical attraction wasn't there--what then?

Sex does not equal love, affection or intimacy people! And there's a whole world of difference between "making love" and sex. If all a man wants is wham, bam thank you ma'am all the time, then there is something wrong with HIM--not his wife or SO.
So, you are quite right in that it struck a nerve with me.
If a woman is purposely withholding sex from her husband--that's bad. But, if it's simply a case of their libidos aren't equal, then (barring any medical conditions) a compromise needs to be reached.

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

Again, here we go with his "ego". What about hers? Yes, it's great that the husband is attracted to his wife--but what if he makes her feel like all he wants her for is sex? Where's her ego? What about her self-esteem?

Unfortunately, with some men, it doesn't matter how much they get "it" they want more--which can leave a woman feeling as if she's not enough for him.
I would never presume to tell any woman that she should just give her SO more sex. What I would suggest is that they have some open and honest communication. And come up with some sort of compromise.

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

Let's turn the tables then. What if the man is a reasonable man, would like to be intimate with his wife, and she shoots him down constantly, claiming she is not in the mood... Unfortunately that's the stereotypical woman. What then for the guy, he just has to grin and bear it? This is one of men's TOP needs, basically equal in comparrison with communication in women, so does this same man, then have the right to tell his wife to quit talking because he's not in the mood? Really?
Even if you are not in the mood when he wants it, it doesn't mean you can't get in the mood, sometimes men need help in KNOWING what will get their SO in the mood, most of them really do care about pleasing us, and not just themselves.

I just thought I would add this. This is what I was talking about men's vs. women's needs...

"Dr Harley, a marriage expert, lists sexual fulfilment, recreational companionship, an attractive spouse, domestic support and admiration as men's top needs. For women, he lists affection, conversation, honesty and openness, financial support and family commitments as top needs."

I honestly thought that people only married people that they find attractive... I know I thought about that when dating, "Could I really wake up morning after morning for the next 50 years to this?" Physical attraction, I thought, was a given...

It's appalling to hear "count yourself lucky that he finds you attractive and wants to have sex with you." So, if the physical attraction wasn't there--what then? I don't even know where to go with this... Actually, I kind of do, but I know I would get flamed!

Obviously there are lots of possible scenarios here. But since OP just posed the question about incompatible appetites in a "how do you deal with it?" framework, I think we can assume that she's not being abused.

She also didn't suggest that he repulses her, or is a jerk. So I assume that we're strictly dealing with the question she presents. Reading possible scenarios into it doesn't really serve a purpose, unless we're provided with more info by OP. Until then, I think the best answers are the ones that involve compromise...on BOTH sides.

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"The errors of faith are better than the best thoughts of unbelief." - Thomas Russell

From an above post: "I honestly thought that people only married people that they find attractive... "

OMG...if that was the case there would be lot of single people in this world.

Me? I looked for someone with good values and a good personality. I'd much rather have those qualities than the most handsome man in the world.

The whole male ego thing really upsets me too. You have to stroke their ego ALL the farking time. When he does something around the house (heck he lives there too it's not like he's a guest who kindly washed a sink of dishes) when he has sex, even if he's not good at it! UGH!!

When my SO and I split last year sex was one of our complaints.. He said we didn't have it enough, and i said it wasn't good enough when we did!

He was the type who mounted, did his thing and dismounted and asked for food!

I think if a man flirts with his wife all day... calls her during the day, tell her she's pretty, compliment her cooking or how nice the house looks even if it doesn't. Make the wife feel good for once then I'm sure men would have NO complaints in the bedroom.. and oh yeah... learn how to really please your wife!

There, done ranting

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I agree with this...
people change, my DH is now bald (which I happen to find sexy), I certainly dont look like the 25 yr old he married, especially after having three babies and hitting middle age. I think the initial attraction changes, and develops into something so much more intimate and important. he is my help-mate, my soul-mate, and the greatest thing that has happened to me (without him, i wouldnt have my kids). If either one of us were injured somehow and could no longer have sex, I think we would still have a wonderful and fulfilling marriage. I am his "princess", he calls he this, or refers to me as his princess to his friends. We respect each other like we respect our selves. Do we do it everyday?? Sometimes, but there are sometimes its a while in between, for whatever reason. We love each other, but at this stage of the game, it has evolved far beyond mere love. We are kind of extentions of each other.

wow me and DH fight about this allll the time. I'm a 24/7 person hes a once a week-every other week. I cant stand it. I do anything he wants from laundry to cooking to cleaning to having a kid....you name it I do it and the least he can do is that and thats like pulling teeth out of an alligator! At least i know I'm not alone!!

Let me clarify my response... I find my husband attractive, not JUST physically, but because he is a wonderful, caring, loving person, with wonderful values and a great personality... ALL of those traits make him attractive. Even if her were going bald or getting a bit thicker, he would still be attractive to me... if he was a jerk, but still good looking, he would no longer be attractive to me. And vice versa!
This is what I meant... everyone has some level of being attracted to their spouse or SO, other wise they would not be together.

My DH wants it ALL the time also. My drive is LOW. He gets irritated!

Sorry, but I think that is incredibly naive. I guess because I'm 61 and have lived a lot longer than most of you, I don't believe for one minute that the vast majority of men want to have sex because they are so turned on by their own wives. Now, of course, I'm not saying that most men aren't turned on by their wives -- but I would venture to guess that they may have been turned off by their own fantasies, magazines, celebrities, a neighbor -- or the wind

heh,

A happy medium! We can just talk about sex!!!

Great post. Very well said. I agree with you totally. There has to be much more than sexual attraction to make a relationship work. I'd rather have someone that I can talk to...who has my back at all times...who is a wonderful, caring father and husband...than some great looking stud muffin. ~Lisa

If sex was the ONLY way for my husband to show me he cared or couldn't resist me, well rather have a battery operated toy than him.Love to me doesn't equal my good looks or great body that one man couldn't resist ..

I totally agree with every single post Marilynk has posted so far. Why is it that men have to feel they 'GOTTOHAVEITEVERYSINGLEDAYORTHEYWILLDIE" ??..
Can't the wife have her time to regroup from a long day with kids or just wanting to kick back ??Without having a guilt trip from the one person that should understand her more than anyone else?.

Why should the female feel that it's the best thing in the world to have her husband pounce on her when she climbs into bed at night all because he's so into her he can't resist her even for 1 night.( *Cough* BS of course in MHO Only.)..
If he really loved his wife, He would help her find out WHY she doesn't want to make love ( everyday, every other day, every week or once a year ).. Maybe she has a medical problem that neither one is aware of . Who knows what might be the unseen problem causing this.Maybe since she doesn't know she has a medical problem she's chunking it up as "not in the mood"Why should it matter this much that she doesn't want sex every single dang night ?? I just don't get it.

I totally think it's unfair for a man to want sex every single day and then when he doesn't get it to guilt trip their wifes or SO into it by saying ( insert what ever ) or make them feel guilty.
There's MORE to being married than a "free ride" under the sheets.

Just wondering, What should happen if god forbid anything happen that disfigured said female ?/ and this make him less attractive to said wife or SO that he no longer wants a roll in the sheets nightly would he then be given the go ahead to cheat and find another he's more attractive too ?? Just wondering.

My suggestions were partly tongue in cheek-partly.

I certainly was not suggesting the problem is hers I was just thinking of ways to help please her husband.

And some women do not realize that when a man is feeling happy and manly and satisfied and when you help him feel that way the benefits are endless.

Just as a woman will be happier when her husband helps around the house etc a man will be happier when he feels that his woman is turned on by him. No man wants to feel like he's an imposition or that his woman is thinking "oh no not again".

Men are simple creatures they want to be needed and appreciated and they want to feel proud.

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The political system is broke and it's a joke.

Some can always twist things around until they have a pretzel.

dl

Twist around into a pretzel? Hmmmmm? Now that'll get a man going!

You're the one who asked the question so you're the one who needs to give details. How are we supposed to know whether your husband has a valid complaint when we don't know how often you 'give in'? I think that if you see making love as 'giving in', then it must not be that pleasurable for you. I think I'd try talking to him and let him know that some adjustments need to be made. Only you know what they are. If you're not in the mood because of overwork, them tell him if he wants to play, he'll have to help you work first and take some of the load off so you're not always tired. If the problem is technique (or lack of it), I'd make it a grand event and teach him what I like. I don't know what the root problem is because you didn't say but it's not likely to just disappear. I'd talk to him and see if I couldn't make some changes because it sounds as if you're both missing out on what should be fun. "Giving in' isn't going to be anywhere near as much fun as 'wanting to'.

That's not marriage, that's prostitution. Charging him 'chores' to earn sex from his own wife? A man would have to be awfully pathetic to go along with that arrangement. It would be much simpler for him to find a girlfriend or a good divorce lawyer. Or both. I think it would be better to take steps to ensure that the sex is a mutually satisfactory experience for both partners.

Okay, I must be getting old. I found something I was going to post here earlier that I thought pertained to this subject, but I couldn't find this thread and thought it had been deleted. So, I made a new post with the info regarding this subject. Here's the link. Or, you can just read the post titled 'The Road To Happiness'. (Yeh, I feel crunchy. )

.

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Interesting topic.

I have found that men need to feel wanted and needed, and make that connection with their partner sexually. Sex can be viewed in so many different ways....a way to express your love to one another, a way to "unwind", a way to connect with each other. When a man is constantly turned down he takes it as a rejection of himself. I like the scenario another poster stated about your DH telling you he didn't want to talk to you, he wasn't "in the mood". Ok, sometimes, I could understand it, but, all the time??? You would feel rejected, too. Think of it as something special that just you and your DH have together and enjoy being together.

Now, having said that, I will never forget the line my BFF uses, "making love begins with taking out the trash". LOVE THAT ONE.

I think communication is the key, and whatever works for you and your DH/SO is fine.

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Doing the right thing isn't always the same as doing the easy thing.

I guess if you look at it that way then everything in life is prostitution. You cook dinner he does the dishes. You clean the house he takes out the trash. Don't take it so literally. What I mean is you do things for him he does things for you.

Ok so I said "charge" because in this situation with the limited info I have the husband wants it the wife is busy and tired etc so this is just one suggestion. If you tell me you have never said to your husband "you do this for me I'll do this for you" (sexually related or non sexually related) I would not believe you.
That's what life and marriage are: compromise. If you want to call it prostitution then that's your sad interpretation.

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The political system is broke and it's a joke.

You know I could "put out" on this topic, but damn, this is only my second night home in the last two months and I couldn't if I wanted to just from all the mental stress.

There are times where I think oh my gosh just get it done!!!! I am tired and need to sleep. I love him but I need some chill time too.

I think we all realize that the overall make-up of a man and woman is wayyy different. I find that I am 'more in the mood' when I feel a stronger connection to my spouse, and that for me (as most women I truly believe) is when he is making an effort to communicate with me. I do believe that women thrive on the communication thing, and it seems most drs. stand by that too. I also believe that men 'communicate' better with us when they are getting their sexual need fullfilled, as I think that most men are driven by sex. Drs. seem to agree with that too, but it's just my perception having been married for 15 years. I've 'gotten' that if we are connected sexually, he is more open to communication. If I feel disconnected, I'm not in the mood, start to hold a grudge against him (why can't he be a better communicator, fullfill my emotional needs, etc.). Unfortunately, it's hard to 'link' up the two sometimes. OP, do you think there is some underlying issue that is causing you to not want to be intimate with your spouse? Like deep down are you maybe a lilttle angry with your husband, or are you holding a grudge over something? Just something to think about as I know I fall into that trap a lot.

sadarl...you are on to something! although, I'm not sure that everyone realizes that men and women are wayyy different AND willing to attend to those differences.

annadrose - i totally get where you're coming from. i think your inputs are not meant to be taken literally, but the sentiment is right on. tit for a tat, give and take, that kind of thing...

cj/

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I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. -Emo Phillips

I think sadarl may be on to something. I know it sounds stereotypical but women tend to expect men to read our minds when they are just not programmed that way. And unfortunately certain reactions can quickly become habit. For instance, I'm not happy he didn't do (or did) this so I am : too tired, headache, backache, have to be up early or any mutitude of excuses when what you should be saying is, we need to talk.
My own experiance was (when I was waaay younger) I would get mad about something and then would just hold it in for fear of sounding like a whiner, or because my ex would not recognize my feelings as valid.
Now if I am angry my SO prays for the silent treatment. Because we talk. And yeah sometimes you have to force them to listen. But I have found humor goes a long way at our house.

Another thought, maybe the novelty would wear off if it was happeing on a regular basis.

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my hubby and I would have more but he won't get a vasectomy. I don't want to get pregnant and he doesn't want to use anything. I'm not giving in... I have bad luck. Two beautiful children are enough.