OK- so when do I say something or ........do I just keep my big mouth shut? My 27 year old step son and his girlfriend just moved into a house. It has only been 2 weeks but they have done very little. Well, that is harsh. They did prime two walls in the living room, set up most of the kitchen, and of course, they went out and bought a 60" (I am not kidding) TV with surround sound and that is hooked up. But that is about it. Boxes are stacked in the living room. Clothes are strewn every where.

Do I say something to my stepson? I think each of them should be responsible for putting stuff away and doing household chores like cooking and cleaning, etc. Should I say, "Hey, step up to the plate and help your girlfriend get this place cleaned up and get the painting done"? Or do I just do nothing? My husband would faint if he saw the place. He would not be very kind if he saw the house in its present condition.

I have never lived with either of them so I do not know if they are both slobs or just one is the culprit.

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Lyn Clarke

They are adults you can't tell them how to do things. But maybe they truly have no idea. You could give them, as a housewarming gift, some books. Maybe a cookbook, an organizing book, a how to clean your house book, a gardening book, a how to book, etc. You could even pay for a housekeeper once a month or something.

Most adults would be offended and tend to do the opposite when they are told what to do. And since you have never lived with either of them they may think you are overstepping your bounds.

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JMTCW, but do you pay for the rent, utilities or anything? If you paid for rent or something like that, then maybe I could see you mentioning something, bacause it is on your dime. If not, then I really don't think you should say something. You don't live there, it's their house..their rules.

Again, just my opinion.

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I agree with the others, it's their place, their adults, their paying the rent ect

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First thing I thought of when I read your post was I felt very guilty! I have wall paper that I have literally been working on peeling off of my living room since before Christmas!!! You might have just given me the kick in the pants to finish getting it off and get the living room painted.

If you pay the rent, then you should have a say, but even then, I am not sure if I would say anything. They have their own place, and this is their life. I wouldn't say a thing, and I definitely would not let it bother you. There is so much more to be upset about in this life.

Maybe what you can do is, as a housewarming gift, offer your services to help put things away. Don't be disappointed or upset if they say no, however, because they may really want to do it themselves when they get around to doing it.

All in good time. Sounds like they are younger adults, and I would cut them some slack.

I am sure if you saw my room you would just die...LOL You have me thinking now about my whole house..LOL

Now I am really feeling like a slob!!!

I'm wondering how close you are with your step-son if you are not comfortable enough to speak to him. If the relationship is already strained, then I would not add anymore fuel to the fire.

If they are paying the rent and everything else themselves, it's up to them how they want to live. And unless they were both raised in the woods, they obviously know what a clean house looks like.

If you ARE comfortable with taking your step-son aside and speaking to him privately, maybe just say you know it can be overwhelming to set up a new household and you would be willing to give them a hand.

I don't think I'd say anything to them unless it was along the lines of "Upacking is a lot of work, as does figuring out where to put things and trying to decorate. If it's okay, I'd love to come over next weekend and help you paint or organize your closets." Housekeeping matters can be such a touchy subject, as everyone has their own definition of "clean" or "tidy." As far as painting goes, maybe they haven't had a chance to pick out the color that they want to paint? You didn't mention if they were renting or buying, or if they have lived together previously, but could it be that moving put a little strain on their finances (extra $$ was needed for the security deposit or down payment) so they picked up extra hours at work to help with the bills or any extras that are needed in the first month or so of moving into a place (connection fees or deposits for cable, gas, phone company, household items, etc) so they aren't home as much as they normally would be. If they haven't previously lived together, maybe they are still trying to figure out who is going to do what chores or how to combine two households into one? Or, maybe they are just slobs? Who knows!

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I've had a Foreman Grill for about six years. I've done about 85% of my cooking on it, but I've never burnt myself. Probably because I don't use it as a pillow.

Unless you are paying for it, I would do nothing. Maybe after buying the tv, they don't have the money to purchase paint and are waiting until the next pay day, maybe they are waiting to unpack until they paint. What difference does it really make when they get around to doing it. My main bathroom has the old wall paper half on and half off because at the beginning of the summer I decided I wanted to see what was under there and to paint, but I started pulling it off and never finished and moved onto painting my bedroom, and DD's bedroom instead and still have not made it back to the main bathroom. It doesn't bother me or anyone else in the house that it is half undone. Hopefully I will get back to that project soon, but I have all types of projects going on at one time, I have to be in the mood to work on them whether I feel like working on pottery that day or painting or gardening and it has to fit around my work schedule and my daughters school and activity schedule.

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If he's 27 and it's his place, I don't think it would do any good to say something...

I would offer to help them unpack, sounds like they need a starting point.

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I'm not quite a slob, but I certainly don't keep my house as clean as my Mom's. She has never commented on it, and I would be offended if she did. I would stay out of it. They either are aware of how things look and feel guilty enough already, or they don't care. Either way, it is their house and they can live in it they way they want.

Ask yourself, Would I want/ allow either one of them to come into MY home and tell me how it should be set up, cleaned, or what ever ? You will find your answer.

Now as far as what I would do . Nothing at all it's none of my business how my grown children homes look. As long as I'm not footing the rent ( at 27 I sure hope y'all are not paying their rent )then I could careless.

No, I would not say a word. Instead, how about a pizza party and cleaning party??? Say "hey Joe and Miranda (???) we know how overwhelming it can be to move and try to fix up a place, so how about we come over and bring some pizzas and give you all a hand??? We would really love to help you out with this, and it would give us something to do"

How about that???

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I have been in clients homes that appeared they had just moved in recently only to find out they have lived there for yrs, just never unpacked the boxes... i couldnt live like that!

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It's only been two weeks. If they work, that really isn't all that much time.
I think if you show disapproval you will be insuring that you won't be as welcome at their house.
I know that sounds harsh but I speak from experience.
I have a sister that could give Martha Stewart a run for her money and for a long time I just dreaded the thought of her visiting. I'm not a slob but not a housefrau by any means. She finally mentioned that she didn't feel like she was invited over often enough and I pointed out that her comments made it clear that the place wasn't up to her standards.
We are both older and have come to a compromise. She won't try to make the dog get off the couch and I won't let the cat on the kitchen counter while she is here.

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It's about learning to dance in the rain.

If it really bothers you that much, offer to help them paint, unpack, whatever. Leave it up to them to accept your help or decline it. Otherwise, I would keep my mouth shut. It is their house and they are adults. If they want to live in clutter and chaos, that is their business.

Sarah.........

I agree. Not really any of your business what their house looks like. If my mom can into my house and told me to get my rear in gear and clean it...well...she wouldn't be very welcome at my home anymore

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They probably have their own reasons why the house is still a mess.Maybe they just like spending their free time snuggling up and watching movies.
They have all the time in the world to go through boxes of junk.It'll get done when they get around to it.

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Are you serious? Should you say, "I think each of you should be responsible for putting stuff away and doing household chores like cooking and cleaning, etc. Hey, step up to the plate and help your girlfriend get this place cleaned up and get the painting done"? Not in my opinion. I can't imagine why you think it's your place to tell them anything about how they keep their home but since it bothers you so much, why not offer to hire them a housekeeper? It'll cost you but you won't have to worry about how clean their house is anymore. I really think it would be easier and cheaper to just let the 27 year old man decide how clean he wants his home to be. I'd mind my own business and let him mind his.

Gosh, it's only been 2 weeks since they moved in!! And in that time, they've primed two walls and set the kitchen up. That's a good start for just moving in.

If you don't pay the rent and utilities, I don't think it's any of your business about their house not being up to your standards. I think by them just working on the house itself and putting the kitchen together is a great start.

Plus if they're working, two weeks is no time in a new place.

Be thankful they didn't ask to move in with you and that they're mature enough to get a place of their own!

it's just been 2 weeks, give them a break.. moving is stressfull enough without someone coming in and telling you your house is a mess!

I moved into my Mom's old house last August.. it's full of her stuff and my stuff.. it's a mess.. i been slowly chunking the junk and sorting the good stuff. In the heat most days I do nothing!

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Two weeks??? I've been in my house 3.5 YEARS and I still have boxes to unpack from the garage! It took us 2 years to complete the remodel and between that and my 3 kids, my house looked like a tornado had come through some days. My house is lived in.

Choose your battles - this does not seem worth ruffling the feathers.

Exactly. I think it would be very presumptuous of you to try to tell grown adults to "clean up their house".

I agree that if it is their house and they are paying the bills, then its up to them how they keep house or how long it takes to unpack.

I agree with everyone else. Their house, their rules. If you say anything, your step-son may not take offense, but you better know his girlfriend WILL (and think about the future if this girlfriend becomes his wife, then you may have already ruined the DIL/MIL relationship--don't do anything but praise their choices really! The 'future DIL' will remember everything you guys say!). For people that age, a big screen tv is furniture, ha ha. Again, their money, their choices, etc. I'm pretty sure they are busy doing (HMMM) other things since they just moved in. Wink wink.

If you 'own the house' they are renting or buying, etc., then you still don't have a say really unless they do 'damage' to the place. Clutter doesn't equal damage unless of course it's to the point of bugs, rodents, etc. I suppose. Truly though, if they haven't learned how to 'take care of themselves' in their mid/late twenties, then it's a little late now (and I know you said you have never lived with either so I'm not directing that at you OP). Let them 'live and learn'. They'll get it together.

This is an easy myob when they are adults and living on their own.

dl

I would have to agree and say nothing perhaps you could talk to your stepson but again they are not living at your home thats a totally different story, how they choose to live whether it be totally ocd with cleaniness or total dirty its their choice, like I have mentioned in many posts of mine life is all about choices. However if they were living in your home then you would be and should be able to say your peace hope things work out and for me ,you do not live there so hon do not sweat they seem happy and not upset its not worth it for you to get upset peace Catherine

Thanks all. My mouth is taped shut and I will work on my husband.

First of all, we gave them $5000 for closing costs and moving in expenses. (Ultimately, they used a government program with NO closing costs) We are not rich and this money came out of our retirement fund, but we wanted to give them a leg up. We did not want to fund a 60" TV with surround sound for $3000. BUT, we did not say a word.

The day they passed papers, they were gung ho to go to the hosue and WORK! We lent them everything from a Wagner paint system, to drop cloths, to cleaning supplies to ladders to a bunch of stuff. They went to the store and bought a 60" TV.

We have not said a word.

I felt that maybe we should kick start "our" own kid to let him know that the house is not ONLY the girlfriend's responsibility and he should step up. They have lived at his mom's house together in his boyhood bedroom for the past three years. None of my business. We just thought that if you establish good working rules from day #1, it is easier to maintain then to correct months down the road.

No, we do not offer to help or pay for services. #1, they make more than we do! #2, my husband would have a stroke if he saw the place in its present state. #3 we really are trying to be supportive and not judgemental which is why I posted this question in the first place.

They have a huge group of friends that they "run" with ie camping, drinking , watching movies at each others houses, etc. We feel like the gauntlet has passed and they should rely on their peer group to get stuff done.

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Lyn Clarke

First of all, we gave them $5000 for closing costs and moving in expenses. (Ultimately, they used a government program with NO closing costs) We are not rich and this money came out of our retirement fund, but we wanted to give them a leg up. We did not want to fund a 60" TV with surround sound for $3000. BUT, we did not say a word.

Now that would totally tick me off, they should have given the money back to you, not bought a tv with it, if they didn't need it for the closing costs like you had originally given it to them for. I think I would have asked for the money back since they didn't "need it", I do think I would have said something about that. Not about the painting or organizing though, that is totally on them, but the money you gave them to be used for a certain thing you thought they needed, if it turns out they didn't ned it should have been returned to you, unless you said go ahead and keep it. Just my opinion though.

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I agree with the above posters. The 5000 dollars should of been returned to you if they didn't need it for closing costs. That is the only thing i would bring up to them at the moment. The cleaning is up to them as they are adults living on their own, but i defidently wouldn't bite my tongue on the 5k.

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A gift is a gift to be spent however the recipient sees fit. A loan to be paid back is not your money if they want to spend their money on a tv (which might be on credit lots of people do it that way) or whatever they want.

This is exactly why people should not lend money to friends and relatives.

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If you would like to clean a house may I volunteer mine? Bring a backhoe and a dumpster.

I'd keep my mouth shut as long as there are no kids in the situation. If there were kids then I'd say something for the sake of the kids but if adults want to live like slobs that is their business.

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Not necessarily. It depends on the circumstances and the agreement. For example, if your stepson told you he desperately needed an operation and you gave him ten thousand dollars to pay for it, it would be a gift but a gift meant to pay for his medical treatment. If the doctor tells him that they mixed up his test results and he's healthy, you're going to be very upset if he blows your hard earned money on a vacation to Tahiti!

If the money isn't needed to spend on the intended purchase, it should be returned. Personally, I don't think of a new $3000 TV as a 'moving expense' but he really might think it is. He could have even used the gift to pay for expenses, leaving him with extra personal funds to buy the TV. I'd probably let it go too but the stepson wouldn't be getting any more financial help from me.

I always give/loan money with the thought of never seeing it again. That way i am never disappointed.

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Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!

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EXACTLY!!!!! I don't go for the gift is a gift thing in all circumstances.

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SAHM of Bailey 12, Tyler 10 , Emily Ann 6, and Ryan Matthew 4 yrs old.

Thanks all. I have convinced myself that I will let it all go. Now, I will work on my husband. He thinks leaves on the porch floor from a 6 foot ficus tree makes our house a pigpen! As for the money, my guess is that I will have to duct tape my mouth closed over the next few years over how they spend their money, so I might as well start now.

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Lyn Clarke

Wow Lyn. The money you gave out of your retirement account on a new $3,000 tv?! I would be upset about it too, but I think you have made the right decision to 'let it go' and say nothing. The damage is done and it has been a huge learning experience. I am with everyone else though, I would think long and hard the next time they 'needed' money; I'm assuming of course that they asked or told you they needed help. Regardless of whether they 'asked' or you 'gave' freely, maybe living out on their own will help them to 'mature' a bit and they will learn to put it away for a rainy day...as all of us grown-ups know, they do come eventually. Especially with a new (or new 'used') house. There is ALWAYS something when you own. They just don't know this little secret yet (but they will as we've all been there).