The reason I am asking is a long story, however I will try to make it short. My soon to be inlaws were here and stayed with me and I learned alot about them and their way of thinking. {I must say it was the longest month and a half in my life, and I know if I didn't tell them to leave they'd still be here ) What still seems to bother me is the way they act. They have 4 grown sons (38,37,35,33) their sons have their own lives (wives/girlfriends, children, their own bills etc) Before they came here, they would call and ask for one of them to send them money (ok, we all get into financial situations at times, that is understandable and since it wasn't that often that we got the call I didn't think anything of it. Little did I know, they called each of them once a month for money) Neither of them work, because they said they worked enough when their boys were younger and its time for the boys to take care of them. They are 60 and 61, so I am not sure if they get Social Security, or a pension oe welfare(I'm not trying to be funny, but I know they never had stable employment and his father was always changing jobs and when the boys were young they moved like gypsies, they still do and I know they get the food stamps and free insurance) They have told their sons and us girlfriends/wifes, that their children owe them everything now because when they were children they provided them with food, shelter and clothing. His mother made it a point to tell me that they owe her this as a Thank you for raising me, and if it means them sacraficing something for themselves or their own family then so be it because they are the parents and are entitled to it now. The father expects the boys to care for his 81 year old mother because he said she is a pain and he doesn't want to be bothered especially since he is in his retirement years. The mother made it a point to remind them how she use to beat them as children and has even attempted to smack 2 of them while they were here. The boys have all noticed that none of their friends/wives/girlfriends family's act this way, and it bothers them. When they left to go back home we all agreed, they arent welcomed to stay with any of us again. So does anyone else feel the way they do that your children owe you or did you deal wirh parents like that? If so any advice as to how to help my BF and his brothers deal with these people, short of disowning them (that was my idea )

*****Edited to Add****** The boys did not realize their parents have gotten this way since they have only had phone contact for the past 4 years and they weren't this bad during their last visit. I was also told that the parents make it seem that the boys were spoiled as children, when that was not the case. I could write a book on these people

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~~~~**Maryann**~~~~

I just got a firm grip on reality....
Now I can strangle it

No, my parents nor DHs parents feel that we owe them anything. In fact we enjoy being able to go out to dinner and pay the bill, but it's always a fight - our parents want to pay it, too.

Both our parents have saved for their retirement. My parents have both retired, DHs won't ever completely retire, I don't think. Both have paid off their houses and totally take care of themselves - except for occassionally needing help with a project or something they've got going on, which we don't mind helping out with.

They don't expect anything from us at all financially.

Lisa

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"It's not having what you want,
It's wanting what you've got"

No, no and NO! I can't imagine any loving parents feeling that way. Before they became my inlaws (since they are your soon to be now), I would make sure your soon to be hubby and you are on the same page. If he is going to support this behavior then you have a long life ahead of you with this crap. It could cause lots of strain in the marriage. So, before "I DO", make sure you have agreed on what will be acceptable to you regarding his parents. I feel for you (and him). That is just horrible...

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Proud to say I haven't shopped at a Wal-Mart since Sept 2003

No they must have some issues for sure.

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The political system is broke and it's a joke.

I can't imagine. In some cultures it is the parents that have an eternal obligation to the children because the parents brought them into this world not by their(the children's) choice. Make sure you and your SO are on the same page and stick to it. Laying down the ground rules from the begining is the only way to prevent real problems in the future and save your sanity.

Lets see, they think their sons owe them because they fed them and took care of them as children. Isn't that what parents are suppose to do. If you decide to have children then thats what you have to do as parents. They sound like a couple of loosers. If this is something that they feel a child has to do for a parent then why is the father not taking care of his own mother. They just seem like they don't want to work and would rather beg for money. Are you sure you want to marry into this family. I feel very bad for all the women these boys are with. I think if you do get married you should move far, far away and don't give the parents your phone number or address.

Goodness no, I tease them about how one is going to be a doctor so we have our own Dr to go to when we're old and how one's going to be the next billionaire and ones going to be a great dentist and... well .... i havent picked anything for my 3 year old besides maybe a pro football player lol but never to "pay us back".... course I tell them too that we're all going to live on the same street so I can be like Mrs Baron on everybody loves raymond but they laugh at me about that one too lol

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My other favorites
www.paperbackswap.com
www.wheresgeorge.com
www.geocaching.com

I would just caution you that the apple seldom falls far from the tree. I seem to recall - but could be wrong and if so, apologize in advance - that your BF's brother had a similar entitlement attitude (kids, backpacks...was that you?).

Just be careful what you get into or it will be a long life...

cj/

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I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. -Emo Phillips

I think, if I remember correctly, you have issues with just about everyone in his family. Make sure you are seeing your bf in the right light and there is no blindness as "love" can often have. Hard to believe an entire family can be so awful and yet produce one stellar person.

dl

Yikes, They just sound like trash to me. While I hope to be able to help my parents out later in life if they need anything, I don't have any plans to totally support them, nor would they every want that. Yeah they raised me, fed me, etc., but heck, I didn't ask to be born!!!

My parents and inlaws are just like yours Lisacb. They won't even let us give them money if the watch the kids. (which is never very often).

I couldn't imagine having parents like the OP has stated....

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Just a question, are your husband's parents from a different culture?

The only reason I ask is that I had a friend with a very similar situation and the in laws were from the Phillipines. Their explaination was that in their culture this is how it is done.

Just wondering if it is a cultural thing?

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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass
It's about learning to dance in the rain.

Thanks everyone for the responses. Now to answer some questions,

cjs and deddlastt, yes I had issues with his brother also feeling the same way, but we (just me and his brother had a nice long chat,) he realized what he was doing and how in away it was affecting his kids. We now get along great.

Linnybop, it's funny you mentioned they sound like trash to you. In their opinion they feel because my family is different and my dad doesn't think I owe him anything for raising me then we are "white trash" (that is exactly what they said to me, and what caused me to throw them out of my house) My BF's grandfather (his father's father) was a dentist (who to me didnt seem to be a good man, he cheated on his wife, had children with a few other women etc) but my BF's father alwasys threw it up to my BF that he needed to leave me and associate with a higher class of people because after all his grandfather was a businessman and why would you want to marry someone who's grandfather was a factory worker. Keep in mind my BF's grandmother (his father's mother) and I get along (at first we had our differences, but we cleared them up and even she said she doesn't know where her son gets this idea from (she blamed my BF's mother ) I kinda feel bad for her beause her husband was a dentist and the way my BF's father portrays his father (and i was told how he was, he had to have the best of everything) so she should be well taken care of now, but after he died, her son (my BF's father) took control of everything on her and now she is living in an apartment that needs alot of work and living off of government assistance. I told his father that my grandfather may have been a factory worker and granted we may not have had the money that his father did, but we never would have let my grandma end up living in poverty.

Cashchik, they are from Puerto Rico, so I don't think its a cultural thing because I know many other Puerto Rican families and none of them are like this.

Thank you all though to help me see that I am not alone in thinking these people aren't normal. My BF also agrees with me and he was the one who after his mother made a nasty comment about me and his father called me white trash, decided they had to go.

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~~~~**Maryann**~~~~

I just got a firm grip on reality....
Now I can strangle it

Although I think your situation is extreme, It coould be somewhat cultural, just not to the extreme nature these people have taken it . In many cultures, adult children earn money and 'send it home' to their family members. It is expected of them and no one really questions it -- they just do it.

My cousin is married to a man from Puerto Rico. He is wonderful and not at all like your in-laws, but he does have a very strong sense of family and does what he can to help his parents. I don't know if he & my cousin support his family financially, however.

I would tread very lightly on family issues with your finacee and realize that you are not just marrying him, you are also marrying his family, like it or not.Een if he is estranged from them by your DH to be's choice, they will probably always have some kind of influence in his life.

I would not marry this man until I got him into counseling (the both of you together). He may seem to be on the same page now, but all of us know that have inlaw issues that that united front seldom lasts after a few years of marriage. After all, he grew up in this 'mess' and he sees it as 'normal', or as you said he is noticing that no other families are like this. He may be a great guy, but seriously, get to a good marriage counselor (one that has experience in TOXIC inlaws as this is what they are) before you tie the knot or have kids with this guy. Also, get the book, Toxic Inlaws and/or Toxic Parents. There is a great inlaw website too online if you're interested, but I suppose I can't post it here? Not sure about that. I can pm you if you're interested.

My parents are not like your future inlaws, but my MIL and FIL have 'similar' issues but not to that extent. The inlaws are still financially taking care of my DH's younger sister pretty much, gave her a house, several cars, etc. (my inlaws are very financially stable, own 3 homes, etc.), also they help DH's older sister and have done this for both sisters for the entire 15 years DH and I have been married (I was not aware of it all in the beginning). They have not given us a penny and we haven't asked/wouldn't take it anyway. We have 100% made our own way and are better off for it so no regrets, I guess it's just the principal and the 'fairness' of it all (I would never do my kids that way in a million years!).

Inlaws are constantly throwing it in our face that 'since the sisters can't afford to do this or that, they thought they would split their part with us' etc., therefore instead of paying 1/4 of the way for just our family (inlaws, older sister's family, younger sister's family, our family), we should split the total bill 1/2 with them! Yes, both sisters are married and we still get this carp. Ha ha, good try inlaws. Not going to happen in this lifetime. For example, a few years ago they rented a house in our town for everyone to stay in (everyone but us as we live here and did not stay in the house, nor were we asked to stay) for a weeklong family reunion. They wanted to rent a pontoon and approached us with the 'girls can't afford to so they thought we'd split it between us' crap. Didn't happen. They have only started doing this in the past 7 or 8 years though and my DH agrees, no way (not to mention SIL's families are always on the go, theme parks, flying here and there, etc., and we don't live like that--no wonder they're broke geez). The inlaws also just moved here to be close to us as we are the only ones that can (in their eyes that is as they in not those exact words told us that--we are responsible so it appears we can 'keep up' ha ha) keep up with their lifestyle; what I mean by this is they thought that we were going to be treating them to restaurants, etc. (they always pay when it's the sisters, but want us to pay this time and they'll pay next, we have no problem with that but when it's our turn to pay, they order most expensive item, dessert, etc., and we have 4 kids to raise so we don't and can't live like that--we prefer to pay our own way every time and now we just don't go out with them anymore). Sorry OP I didn't mean to ramble or hijack your tread. Just be sure that if you are dead set on marrying into this family, be prepared for a lifetime of bs and make double, triple sure that your future DH is not going to cave into the crap (trust me, it's hard enough when my DH is onboard at least with the supporting his sister garbage). 60 and 61 are WAYYY too young to be mooching off of the kids; these people should still be working without a doubt. Again, you need to get your fiancee to a counselor that can help him get past his family issues. If he won't go, go by yourself and see what you can learn from the experience. No, it's not a normal situation for most cultures but I don't know anything about Puerto Ricans and their family culture, etc.

Your dh's parents were LEGALLY RESPONSIBLE for taking care of their four boys. You are NOT legally responsible to take care of your in-laws, however, if they were decent people, you would probably help if needed.

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Jackie

Music is what feelings sound like._ ~Author Unknown

So, he thinks as parents their kids OWE it to them to take care of them forever? BUT, they do not want to take care of their own parents? Hypocritical to say the least. You do NOT have the responsibility of taking care of the parents. If they were physically or mentally disabled or been in a horrible accident or something, you could volunteer to help occasionally, and when you could without depriving your own family. But OWE them.....no way. I agree with others here who say get this settled and straightened out before you marry into this family.

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"Well-Behaved Women SELDOM make history."Laurel Thatcher Ulrich


"Yesterday is but a vision, and tomorrow is only a dream. But today well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness, and every tomorrow a dream of hope." Anonymous

"Your candle does not lose it's light by lighting another candle" Generosity

Have the courage to be yourself.

This was a problem for me and my Ex. He would give money or whatever to his parents even if I suffered for it.
I remember one christmas, Ex's Mom and her new hubby gave me and ex $50 each. Before I got the $50 in my hand, ex had given it to his dad! MY Money!! Without asking me. He kept his $50!

Be very careful. Don't wind up coming in 2nd to his parents.

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Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!

If Vegetarians eat Vegetables. Do Humanitarians eat Humans?

'Vegetarian' is an old Native American word for bad hunter.

When you get a chance, can you please PM me the site.

Thank you

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~~~~**Maryann**~~~~

I just got a firm grip on reality....
Now I can strangle it

I am not sure thisis the same one but I have posted here before that
Mother-In-Law Stories and Mother-In-Law Jokes
has been a godsend for me.

OMG what a nightmare. This may get worse when you and BF have children. It will be difficult for BF to choose between his own children and his parents. My DM has never said that I "owe" her, but I deal with making sure her taxes and insurance are paid so she doesn't lose her house. If she does, then she will have to move in with me and I would rather stick a hot poker in my eye. Good luck to you OP this sounds like a great topic for a talk show.

Yes, fafardsmommy got the site correct. Sorry I am just now reading this ishop2much! It really is a great site if you have inlaw issues. Sorry you 'have' to be there, ugg. Wish everyone had great inlaws, wouldn't the world be a better place?! Much easier for us anyway!