Hi, my new inlaws have asked something of me and I need some advice. I do not have the best relationship with my in laws but it is getting better now that we are married but it is still strange. Anyway, "Granny" has just been diagnosed with dimentia and psychosis?sp. Basically she has been told by the Drs that she can no longer live alone and needs someone to stay with her. She is also not allowed to drive. She functions ok for most of the time but has had some instances where she is obviously not all there. She will admit she was wrong after the fact but it is still not good for her. Anyway, the In Laws are going to bring her to live with them and then in a couple months MIL will quit her job abd stay with her (basically retire). They have asked if I can stay with her until they can get something set up for her where MIL can stay with her. I am currently staying home with our 11 month old and am due in Nov with another. We all agree after the new baby it might be hard for me to cart both babies to their house to stay with Granny. But until then I think I can handle it. (oh BTW they just live about 10 minutes from me - so no big deal if we get in a bind and need to run home for something) Okay so hopefully that all made sense. They want to pay me of course but how much would be reasonable? I just have no idea about costs for things like this. I can eat their food of course - and use Granny's car and gas if we go anywhere - so those expenses are out. But I will basically need to set up another semi-nursery for the baby because he still naps 2 times a day (both times before 5 pm). Anyway - any ideas on what would be reasonable (oh and they are technically family so I don't want to take advantage of them - though it is sooo tempting )
Thanks
L

If Granny is anything like my 80-year-old Grandmother was, she will LOVE the company and LOVE to hold your babies. If you are a bottle feeder, she will love to feed them bottles. I understand the 11-month-old is a little squirmier than your new baby will be so there will be plenty for her to "do". When she was around, I took advantage of learning her recipes and actually made a family cook book out of it. She was a "a little of this a little of that" type of person so we made it exact measurements. Now, that will get you on the good side of your in-laws.

As far as cost goes, if you don't need the money, don't take it. Ask them to invest whatever they think is reasonable into your children's college fund if they insist. If you do need the money, my friend does this for a living and she makes $15 per hour but that is non-family and taxes are not taken out. Money plus family makes things wierd for both the recipient and the payee. I am not saying don't take the money but if you don't need it, just so your in-laws don't feel bad, have them invest it for you for your kids.

Do you and Granny get along okay? If so, there is no need for you to be homebound. Make her your shopping buddy! If you get in on the CVS or Walgreens deals, she is another person to build your stockpile! My Grandmother was amazed every time I took her shopping with me.

My grandmother didn't have dementia but she did get awfully confused from time to time and that was very frustrating. Good luck with your decision. This is a great opportunity for you to learn more about your "new" family.

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Okay let me elaborate on the situation a little I agree the babies will be no problem for her. She was a nurse for her career and then when she retired she became a health teach for the local HS. She was teaching up until 2 years ago. she still keeps up to date on all her nursing stuff/licensing. BUT she refuses to take any meds - she has NEVER even taken a tylenol. So we see her deteriorating very quickly - the progress so far has been rather quick. She does love helping with the babies - but is 83 years old and kind of frail. She does not to anything at home - no crafts, no cooking, nothing - she goes to church a couple times a week and then watches TV/NEWS all day. She is stubborn about her health and stubborn about socializing. She also has hallucinations and believes there are 2 girls that torment her everyday. The girls will steal her car, lock her outside, get in her bed, all kinds of mean stuff -she says they play tricks on her. The "stolen" car is what clued us in on how bad she was when she called 911 about this after standing in her yard for 5 hrs watching them "steal" her car. It took a lot of arguing to get her to give up her car/driving after that incident so right now we will probably limit the amount of driving around - she is still a little sensitive about it - and she has a hard time getting ready to go out anywhere. She is just not a social person.
ALSO- the family has a weird relationship. MIL has a brother that I have never met - and a whole family that I have never met. And they live about 15 minutes away. Apparently after "grandpa" died there was a lot of hurt/hard/bad feelings and all that stuff that happens when families have inheritances etc and now they don't talk except a little bit for Granny's benefit. Granny gets so confused about the kids/grandkids etc she has no clue really.
As for the money - that is how they are. They even pay DH to go to the ranch and work for them out there - he is their son and they own the ranch so technically it will be his - but they still pay him to do stuff out there and always have. Technically no we do not need the money - I could use it for the kids or crafts or just fun money but I don't believe they would agree to no payment. They have a LOT but will not give it away freely - and don't like paying taxes on it - so I think they work out ways to get around tax stuff.
I swear this family has so many sides it is crazy - I could go on and on just about the family dynamics and I don't even know that much because they are soooo secretive.

I don't know about costs but I know if *I* were preggo and due in Nov, I wouldn't do it. Older people can require a lot of physical help and that could easily strain you since you are pregnant. That would be my primary concern right now. Your body doesn't need the physical stress that the job will require.

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Proud to say I haven't shopped at a Wal-Mart since Sept 2003

I don't know how much to charge but I would do a per week rate not hourly. I know when I worked and paid for a babysitter the weekly amount was less then what you would pay someone to come over in the evening for a few hours. Talk to the inlaws and see how much they want to pay you. It might be more then you would ask for. As for the nursery you really only need a Pack and Play or whatever they are called. That way it can be put away after you leave for the day. If you do want to do crafts with her and have time scrapbooking may be a good project. You may have to do most of the work but I bet she would love to see her old pictures and tell you about them. Good luck.

Around here the state pays almost $12 an hour with benefits for in home caregiving. The private companies charge about as much paying the caregiver around $8-$10 of it.
It is important in this situation to get a professional person who knows what they are doing. Think of a Mom who is frustrated with her own child that she loves so much.
Now picture a "stranger" getting frustrated at certain behaviours, etc. A trained professional can deal but someone who is just a "sitter" may not.
Elderly people require more care than an infant they also require mental stimulation and they need to feel secure with their caregiver.

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"Men can't be fat only fat women can be fat" Peter Griffin
"Without the environment where will we do stuff?" JoeJack-Strickland Propane

With "Granny's" diagnosis I would be a lil afraid to be with her alone with a 11 month old and your pregnant self. Have you tried a whole day with her and your baby. The baby will soon be walking and you will be chasing the baby and there will be many changes in the baby in the next few months and well as changes in "granny". Try being with her when someone will be there as backup for you as a test to see how you make out.
As they can afford a professional I think that would be the best route for them to go for both your sakes. You can always talk it over with your dr and get that opinion.

I am a retired nurse. I did Home Heath and Hospice for about my last 15 yearsof working. I have a BA in Psych. I only say those things to point out that I am WELL AWARE of your potnetial situation. My suggestion is to just say "no". Poor ole Granny might be just fine most days but do you plan to wrestle her to the ground if she decides to start a fire in the middle of the living room or run down the street nude? What are you going to do if these girls who pick on her decide to make her put a dining room chair through the front window and your baby starts choking at the same time?

If she will not take meds for her psych problems, then you have no business trying to sit with her with children in tow. IMHO

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Lyn Clarke

I went through this with my MIL some years ago. The hallucinations were pretty constant at times and very imaginative, (my personal favorite was the preacher who was coming to the house to have sex with her. This lasted for a few weeks, longer than most). They changed periodically so perhaps your Granny's will also. If she is not sociable, I would decline. It's a lot of work and if you start thinking about the possible chance of violence, wandering off, endangering herself, incontinence, (always a fun time if you are out shopping and have an elderly woman with feces running down her legs). Mine was sociable and she was a handful anyway. She could move with surprising speed when she wanted to. If she had not been my MIL, I would not have attempted it for as long as I did and I didn't have babies at the time. If you insist on trying it, do so with the stipulation that you want a trial run for a couple of days to see how it goes. And if you agree to do it, then make sure there is an absolute stop time. Set a date and stick to it. She's not going to get better, only worse.

If you decide to do it, don't short change yourself. Your time is valuable and you are someone that your In-Laws trust. I would call around and find out the going rate for in-home care, and charge the same amount.

Rebecca