I could not reach my mom in FL for two days and could not find the neighbors ph# who helps her out and is her POA so just to ease my mind I called the hospital and much to my horror found my mother in the hospital this past Sunday. She had fallen and used her lifealert to call EMS and they broke her door down. So Sunday we left VA at 4:30 pm and arrived in Winter Haven FL at 8 am Monday Morning.

The nightmare is I have to put mom into assisted living or I have to move in with her to take care of her and send my Dh and DS by train, plane or bus back to VA to sell our place and get help to pack it up and find a place for all of us to live since Mom is in an all adult community. My health is not good and if Mom falls I cannot pick her up and nor can DH right now and DH is still under Doctors care until May of 2009 with his neurosurgeon free of charge for all follow-up and if he switches here we would have to apply for state help and all. I am so confused and lost and dont know what to do and mom's POA is driivng me up the wall because I think she is skimming money from mom, Mom tells me she is paying her $100 a month and I looked well snooped is more like it at the bank records and saw checks for $1,000 going to her, she pays moms bills, birngs in her mail, takes her to the Doctor and to weekly coffee and maybe out to eat once or twice a month and gets groceries for her when she does her shopping not sure its worth $1,000 since she spends maybe 20 minutes a day with her if even that per mom. We went to see Assisted Living Facilities and she told the director Mom needs help in and out of bed and the director said then Mom needs a nursing home, I was there when the Social Worker and the Doctor both said Mom cant live alone, she needs asssited living so that if she fell there would be someone to help her. Mom's Doctor jumped all over me for driving straight through because of my health and blood clot problems and he has flat out said if I tried to get a place and take care of mom he would go to elder services because I am not fit to care for her and I can agree I cannot take care of my mom as she would need, I can be with her but if something happens I am worthless and when I have a bad day I dont want to crawl out of bed and what good am I to here you know.

I am so lost here feel like her POA is cutting me out of my moms life and I have no say in what to do with her and that she is stealing from Mom and that I am not fit to be a caretaker for her and am worthless as a daughter and certain family members say it is my responsibility to care for my mother since Daddy died last year no matter what no excuses. I am not making excuses, but when the Doctor, the POA and even my own DH make me feel like I am worthless as a human being how can I do anything for her. I see that there are great ervices in this county for elderly and disabled and I might because I am disabled and DH is be able to get homemaking services for myself and keep them for mom to take some stress off me if I were to move her in with me.

Either way Assisted living or not we have to make the move here to FL, the cost of living seems better especially on disability income, I actually found an adorable house to rent with the option to buy for $1000 a month 3/2 with a pool and great room at that in VA it would go for $3,000 a month and its so much bigger than what we live in now and actually cheaper in the long run.

I guess I am looking for advice, guidance, prayers and also information on the area its Polk County, Publix seems to be the closest grocery store, but seems expensive to me compared to Giant, Safeway or Aldi, I would like to know about others here I havent seen and couponing etc.

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~ Christine ~
Grammie to Trinity Lorayne Jean Keens Born June 9, 2011 Loving my awesome guitar picking 100% Country Boy boyfriend Kenny !
RIP Daddy~ 01/24/1930-06/01/2007 I miss you !
Dont Think you Can .. know you can ~ Jeff Hardy

You definitely have a lot on your plate right now, with many decisions to weigh & make.

My relatives live in FL. They shop at Publix, Winn Dixie, and Sam's Club for groceries.

Sending prayers your way.

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We're off to never never land

Oh hon I am so so so sorry to hear all this , you truly had alot of heartache on yours shoulders. At this moment in my life I too have a sick parent, its my mom , however, I also have my dad who is thank god in good health. My mom tells us all the time she wants to go into a nursing home.LIfe is funny sometimes because, when we were younger we always thought our parents would be there to care for us. Now at 75 my mom needs so much help and like you , I cannot lift her and just helping her into the bathroom is chore. Its very sad and very sad for our loved ones. I truly wish the best for you and sincerely hope all works out. Peace and blessings to you and your entire family. Catherine

Since your DH needs followup medical care and it might not be covered there, perhaps you can find an assisted living facility where you live. If you can get her current POA changed to you, you could offset some of those costs --and maybe as much as the POA has been charging. You need an attorney to look into both scenarios--both the feelings that you think the poa is skimming from your mom and you could then take over POA, and to see if, as her new caretaker you could charge her estate for her care.

In any case, sorry this new wrinkle has been added to your plate

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"Well-Behaved Women SELDOM make history."Laurel Thatcher Ulrich


"Yesterday is but a vision, and tomorrow is only a dream. But today well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness, and every tomorrow a dream of hope." Anonymous

"Your candle does not lose it's light by lighting another candle" Generosity

Have the courage to be yourself.

Sell the house, pool your money, and move in together. You could hire a new person to help with cleaning, cooking, etc. for the whole household with the extra money you would save.

Rebecca

Do you have any siblings to share the care of your mother?

Can you petition to have POA transferred to you?

I'm sorry you are going through this and I hope things get better for all of you.

That's a good idea.



I hope things get better for you. You do have some hard decisions to make. I am sorry they are making you feel helpless/worthless, when it is obvious you are anything BUT that. If you were, you wouldn't be in Florida to try and help your mom.

You will know, eventually, what is right for you and your family. Go with your gut and listen to your heart. Weigh all of the pros and cons, then try to make a decision.

If she has a POA, however, I am not sure how much say you might have in everything. Is the POA a family member?

We have recently put my MIL in an assisted living facility due to dementia and schizophrenia. We had to go through court in order to obtain a guardianship for my SIL. She has to give an accounting to the court every 30 days for all funds spent.

I would talk to a social worker and lay your concerns on the line. There should be a social worker at the hospital and at the nursing home is she has been transferred already. I am quite sure if the neighbor has violated POA, it can be terminated.

If neither you or your husband is able to assist you mother if she needs help, I should think that her living with you is not a good option.

arrgh I posted a reply to answer everyone's questions and it went poof. So I wll try again.

Sorry I have been MIA since I posted this my DS had a major major asthma attack so we had to visit the ER here and they were absolutely wonderful.

I am an only child so no siblings to help with the decisions.

The POA is a neighbor who helped mom last year when daddy was in the hospital with the surgery and she was appointed POA then to pay the bills and all. I did talk with her yesterday before Stefan had his Asthma attack and she showed me the agreement witnessed by the attorney showing the fees she is to be paid for being Mom's POA for her bank account, medical and doing all her errands and being the one they call when something happens to her. So I think mom has some memory issues perhaps.

Mom does not want to go into assisted living (ALF) she is being pig-headed and I found a really nice one that would cost $ 2245 a month $620 of that is for the 3 meals, 2 hours checks on her well bein, helping her dress, bathe , daily cleaning, medication management and some other things, if they find she does not need so much assistance the $620 fee will go down. So technically the base fee is $1,625 and its a lakeside view and its a beautiful community and I could move her in by the end of next week. Mom thinks she cannot afford it, right now she is paying out about $2,500 a month with her paying the POA and once she is in the ALF the POA will no longer be needed because I can manage mom;s bills from VA until I move down here.

Selling mom's home which is a Mobile home maybe hard its a 1981 but in great shape we think we could get about $5-7,000 for it and it will come partially furnished so some snow-bird might be happy to grab it up quickly. We also live in a mobile home and in our complex homes like moms sell for a lot more and we think even with the work needed on ours we can get anywhere from $15-25,000 and we owe about $5,000 on it so we'll take the first offer to pay it off and give us enough to move and put a decent deposit on a home in FL or pay several months in advance on rent on a home because we have some real big dings in our credit that could cause a problem.

DH is hoping we can get into his retirement fund from an old job that says when you are considered disabled you can get it and if we can we can pay off our car and invest a large amount of that into something that will get a better return than it is now, he lost money on it last year. We just need to get our debt to income ratio down to look great in spite of our dings and get us down here, although the POA did say two accounts here are in trust for me and she could "Loan" me money to get started and I could pay it back and I would not have it any other way because I want my mom taken care of and I know thats where the money she sent us came from a few months back and I have already started paying it back on my own much to my mom's dismay, she kept sending the checks back so I started direct depositing the money into her account instead and thwarted that to a point.

I talked to my mom's sole surviving sister today who is 90 and I was flat out told if I put her into ALF I would be dis-owned and written out of her will and I dont really care because Mom needs this and I cannot provide her the care she needs if she falls I am not physically capable of picking her up nor is DH right now. One thing I keep hearing from both my mom and Aunt is that they want me to have a decent inheritance, you know money is nice, but having a parent taken care of in their last years is better, she is 86 and she has been alone now for 15 months and the women in this particular family line based on my genealogy research will live well into their 90's and into their 100's so I want her happy and comfortable.

I do feel bad I cant move her in with me, I just wish she would stop saying she will be fine alone if we would just put a portable potty by her bed she wont fall. Thursday we go to the Doctor and I hope he can get it into her head what she needs and she understands because I am getting frustrated I got so angry yesterday I had to walk out and go for a drive with my radio blasting because I was so ready to disrespect my mother and yell at her because she was being so darned pig-headed when we were talking about the community and the money. I am ready at sometimes to just go ahead and pack up and leave and let her be and live alone and let whatever happen and I know its not right to think that way.

I just found out there is a Aldi warehouse opening nearby, which I knew about from my manager in VA and he was supposed to come down here to manage it and I noticed he has not been in our store lately so I wonder if he is down here doing the hiring for the warehouse. Plus there is an Aldi store being built somewhere soon so I will be a happy camper when I get moved down here. We did decide that just before we move we will do a huge "commodities" shop of dry goods and canned goods at Aldi and bring them down to save money. There is a place called Greens that does a 5/19.99 on select meats and there is a sav-a-lot I found when I had to go get my eyes examined here and Angel Food Ministries so I think we will be fine once we get all settled up in VA and get down here and we have talked to two realtors and one is very confident he can help us with our credit dings on finding a place

Sorry if I am rambling my mind is still going 500 miles an hour and I am just a but frustrated.

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~ Christine ~
Grammie to Trinity Lorayne Jean Keens Born June 9, 2011 Loving my awesome guitar picking 100% Country Boy boyfriend Kenny !
RIP Daddy~ 01/24/1930-06/01/2007 I miss you !
Dont Think you Can .. know you can ~ Jeff Hardy

I can understand your mother's thoughts about assisted living. I know they are a necessary place for some people but my mother was very adament about never wanting to go into one. She had to stay once in a short term rehab place after a stint in the hospital (one of many hospital visits, unfortunately... she passed away last October after battling cancer). My brother went to visit her and told me my Mom seemed to be getting "worse" instead of better (mainly because she wanted to go home so badly and considered it like an AL place). He kept her spirits up for the days she was there and was able to get her well enough to come back to her home (with my Dad), thankfully.

I think one thing that all of us has to consider at some point in our lives is the mental state of our aging parents. If they really do not want to go somewhere, they can actually deteriorate in their health if put there. I don't know exactly what your timeline is because it sounds like you need to get your husband's health stabilized first before a move. Maybe you can look into temporary "assitance" with your Mom. Maybe she's eligible for a rehab place that could care for her for a few months until you can move down. You could then pool your money together, live together but have someone who comes and assists you all. Maybe if your Mom knows its a temporary solution (a rehab place or ?) she will be more open to pressing forward to the ultimate goal... which is you all living together soon with some assistance.

I've realized it is tough getting old and I'm not looking forward to this part of my life. I've had some real frustration and anger with my own mother's "stubbornness". For the longest time she wouldn't consider moving closer to me or being open to eating differently and taking supplements that I had researched on the net that could help with tumors, etc. When she finally became desperate and agreed to move closer to me, take supplements, etc., it was just too late. I hope you can make a difference in your Mom's life now... it seems like she's open to everything except permanent Assisted Living. I know this has to be extremely difficult for you and your family. I'm sure your mother cherishes your concern for her even though she's not saying it right now. I'm sure your mother is very scared and her "pigheadedness" stems from this fear. Whatever your decision, I'm sure you will make it with the best regard for your mother's care. I hope better days are ahead for you all.

As long as mom is mentally competent, the op can't just "get her current poa changed". Mom has to agree and sign her own poa unless one goes to court.

Additionally, you can't charge an estate for anything unless the person is already dead.

dl

Mom gets a homemaker helper now who cleans for her which if we could move her in with us she could still do. There are other issues here with her moving in with us my DS is one he is ADHD and falls under the Autism spectrum and is subject to these horrid melt-downs that my mother could not deal with when he has them, I had to grab him the other morning when he started one and drag him out of the house and literally toss him in the car before he started his screaming and hitting of things and take him for a drive to calm him down. She could not deal with it if we were together 24/7 and DH is a smoker and has an evil sense of humor which my mom doesn't understand. I have looked at getting help when we move here if we move her in with us and the costs might be prohibitive, but they do have more available for those who are disabled and we are all disabled its all just so confusing and you cant do anything until you become a resident.

I tell you I am just in awe of the price of houses here There is a brand new community here that I could get a home where the mortgage would be only $30 more than my lot rent ! We pay $635 for lot rent plus $ 355 for a mortgage on the mobile and I could own a house here for $665 including principal, interest taxes and insurance hello Washington Dc area is expensive !!

I would love to hear from anyone in Lakeland, Bartow, Winter Haven, Auburndale areas about whether it is typical that most homes are all electric because thats what I am finding and I am having a tough time cooking on a electric stove I burned pizza last night, and grilled cheese sandwiches at lunch I have cooked with gas since I was little and its culture shock to me to adjust LOL.

The POA is going to be changed once we get her into ALF but until then "Jane" will remain.

Got to go get a newspaper and clip some coupons and go to save-a-lot for some shopping

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~ Christine ~
Grammie to Trinity Lorayne Jean Keens Born June 9, 2011 Loving my awesome guitar picking 100% Country Boy boyfriend Kenny !
RIP Daddy~ 01/24/1930-06/01/2007 I miss you !
Dont Think you Can .. know you can ~ Jeff Hardy

Christine,
I understand that most Assisted Living homes are very nice. The people living there get together to play cards, etc. and they have things like Movie Night, etc.
Does your mother know everything that the place you are looking at has to offer?
Have you taken her to see for herself?

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Square dancing is friendship set to music!

Yes we have taken her to two and she has been to others in the last year one we were at this week had an ice cream social when we were there and they invited us to sit down and join them and we did and mom talked with a nice couple who were from Indiana originally. We picked up the monthly schedule of things to do and there is no shortage of things to do at any of these communities for sure. I th.nk she feels she will be giving up her independence but she wont she will have independence and privacy as she wants it.

She is being so pig-headed today she is adamant that we pack up our suitcases and head home now so that we can get Stefan into school which starts Tuesday, I am not worried because I do some homeschooling in addition to regular schooling and have been doing it since we have been here.

hmm the neighbor just came by and told us the grocery stores are closed tomorrow due to Gustav I didnt hear anything on the Tv about it going to have to check into that further even though I bought groceries today for the next 2-3 days.

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~ Christine ~
Grammie to Trinity Lorayne Jean Keens Born June 9, 2011 Loving my awesome guitar picking 100% Country Boy boyfriend Kenny !
RIP Daddy~ 01/24/1930-06/01/2007 I miss you !
Dont Think you Can .. know you can ~ Jeff Hardy