I discovered by accident some rather unsettling text messages between my 16 year old daughter and her 16 year old boyfriend. They are sexual in nature and have left me speechless. I know they have not had sex, but seem to be talking about exploring other things. They are never left alone, so I'm not sure how any of this is to take place. I'm not sure what to do. She and I are very close, and have always talked about everything. My husband would have a stroke if he knew what was going on. I know this boy very well, know his family, etc. I don't want her not to trust me (since I read her texts), but am not sure how to proceed. Any advice?

You need to have a talk with her about the text messages. I tell my kids that when they start paying the bills then they can expect to have privacy from Mom, otherwise, email, text etc, can be viewed at any time without warning.

Rather than prolong the inevitable, I would take her to the Gyn and get her some birth control. How can you be sure that they haven't already had sex? Better to get it out in the open than to dance around it. Don't freak, tell her that you want her to be safe if this is already being discussed via text. That you are not giving her permission to have sex, but if and when this occurs, you want her to be protected.


This is one of the hardest things I had to do with my oldest DD. The saying is true....little kids....little problems...big kids....well you know already. Good luck!

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We've read our son's my space page and have been terrified of it all. Most of the kids are either already active or they are doing the "other things" which can be just as dangerous. Even the kids that we thought were not doing anything or were too nerdy or goodie goodie, well they are doing it too.
I would tell her it's time to have the really big woman to woman talk. I would talk to her about becoming a woman and the responsibilities that come with it. Then you can tell her that she will be going to see the gynecologist and explain how this is her time to develop a relationship with the doctor and an opportunity to get the real answers to any of her fears or curiosities from a doctor. I think if you approach it as another phase of her adolescence and not as an attack, she will be more responsive and open. Good luck.

Great advice George! And I mean that. Our parents weren't proactive enough. And our moms just had their heads buried in the sand, didn't they? I got a book to read on the couch when I was 12. So kudos to you Kfrech, for being one to ask the questions. And you just might want to get DH involved.


but Kellyboysmom, is there something I should know about--
Even the kids that we thought were not doing anything or were too nerdy or goodie goodie, well they are doing it too. Whatcha' know about Pat???lol....

I totally agree it would be very nice to have a nice mom and daughter talk and to keep the lines of communcation open at all times. Hope things are better. Peace.Catherine

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Toonces gave you excellent advice, and it is exactly what I would do.

I think this is excellent advice.

I agree with all the advice, including taking her to the gyno and having a serious discussion about the consequences of her choices. Teenagers feel so invulnerable, and certain that "it won't happen to me", but there is so much out there beyond pregnancy.

If you have a strong faith, I would bring the values of your faith into the discussion as well.

As for 'spying', tough tamales. I've told my kids I certainly have my own life, and their emails & texts are not that scintillating that I need to read them for thrills! I will read them & do whatever else I need to if I feel they could be in a bad situation that requires adult knowledge & help. Good job!

I would get her some condoms and make sure she knows to use them every time, and how to use them. Pills aren't enough these days.

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I disagree with all the above advice but I'm not saying its bad advice but I think you are risking destroying the relationship you have with your daughter by telling her you have been spying on her and reading her text messages.How humiliating that would be.She might feel very intruded upon and not forgive you for a VERY long time.I would have a sex talk about birthcontrol with her and make up some excuse that your friend was asking you about it due to a circumstance that came up with her daughter and it just got you concerned about it for your own daughter.Plus ,if you tell her you have been reading her text messages,you will no longer know anything more that goes on because she will be sure not to ever talk about it in text again.
I would have been so hurt if my mom had never trusted me.I am so glad my mother always gave me 100% trust.And I returned that trust by staying a virgin till I was married too.Show trust and you just may get it in return.Show distrust and you just might find yourself in a war that you might regret later.
Also remember sometimes text sex talk is just that.Text talk.Just 2 people bored living out fantasies that a lot of times they will never do in real life.

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You don't owe your daughter an apology for reading her texts, that's your job. You are her mother, period. Make no apologies for having her best interests at heart. This isn't even a trust issue, you are freaking out, and rightly so, because of what you've read. Tell her that you think no less of her, because I can tell you when you approach her about this, she's going to be very embarassed, assure her that there is no need to be, but you want to tell her just how big all this is, and she needs to know what she's about to jump in to. I totally agree that if you are a family of faith, that needs to be mentioned. Pregnancy is only one result of unprotected sex, the diseases out there are numerous!! I would really, really stress to her that her virginity is the ONLY one true gift that she has to give her husband. It's rare and precious and once given, is gone forever. I'm 37, with perfect hindsight vision. If I knew just a little of what I was getting into having sex as a teen, let alone all the regrets once I realized just how big it is, there is nothing casual about sex at all, it's a covenant between 2 people. It's to be taken seriously.

You are doing a great job, I wish more mothers were willing to take risks to see what their kids are up to, and not let the world raise them (like I was). You said you two were close, I think it's gonna be OK when you guys talk. Just please stress to her how much you love her, for her not to be embarassed, and that your concerns for her are first priority.

As a parent, it's our job and responsibility to see what our kids are texting, listening to on their iPods, the facebook, myspace accounts, what sites they visit online, etc. Don't make apologies for it!!! I don't think it's snooping or being disrepectful at all. Noone else is going to look out for your child.

I agree. You are asking for trouble if you can't approach this without her finding out you have been spying on her. If you have raised your kids to not expect privacy, that's one thing, but if you haven't and then invade that privacy, that's a whole new game. If you have not already had a talk with her and talked about going to a GYN then it's past time to do that anyway. You don't need to let her know about reading the texts, just do a general, "It's time to have a talk", discussion with her.

OP, telling your daughter you saw her text messages may infuriate her and embarrass her and then she may close up to you. I believe the conversation should be just that you see her and her boyfriend becoming close and your daughter should know about all STD's and teenage pregnancy. Not only can someone catch an STD via sex but also oral sex. She should also know how to use a condom. There is nothing wrong with sending her out with protection. It does not mean she has permission to use it, but if she was to have sex at least she will be protected. I have seen many teenager girls "protecting" their virginity via oral sex. It is unimaginable but it is happening. I have a 14 yo boy and I have been talking to him openly about sex since he was young enough to say penis. Of course it was always age appropriate. At this age it is extremely important for them to understand the importance of these choices. School only teacher so much, we can teach them more. I have gotten pamphlets from Planned Parenthood, and their information on STD's is made to understand. Even if you do not support Planned Parenthood, you can find STD information on WebMd.
Bringing her to an ob/gyn is an excellent idea. Your daughter may feel better opening up to them instead of you, and that is ok. I agree with Dollydeal, if you mention anything about seeing her texts, she will no longer be open with you. Make it a trusting convo, not an attack on her and her bf.
Kellyboysmom also has good ideas. Just make it another conversation of being a teenage girl.
Good luck
acidreignn

I have to agree with brownsugargirl, I think she gave very good advice. If you can't be honest with your DD, how can you expect her to be honest with you?

.

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Best advise EVER!

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Just because you know they haven't had sex because they are never left alone! you are fooling your self!
my oldest was in the same situation never left alone, not allowed to date yet(14 years old) and never spent the night at any girlfriends that we did not personally know and approve of their home life! but she got pregnant at 14!! how did this happen? ditching lunch at school and parting at a near by house!
so if I had it to do again I would read every text every journal etc. to hope to put a stop to this before it happens!
my youngest dd was put on the pill as soon as she showed any interest in boys, but you know what she didn't mess around! and now tells me she is glad I took control and did this!

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I would take her to gyo and get her on the pills asap. Watching them and not leaving them alone aint gonna cut it. like someone else posted, they wanna do it, they will find a way. cutting class and going to someone's home where the parents are at work is a prime example.
as for reading the text, well, if you tell her that you read it, that will be the end of texting and you wont be able to find out anything else. But I also agree that she is to young for you to not be reading texts, myspace and such.

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Dolly,
I'm glad you decided to stay a virgin until you were married, but sadly this is just not the norm in today's society. More and more kids are exploring their sexuality at much younger ages than the OP's 16 yr old daughter. Their methods of communication are way more public than what we were used to. Check out any random teen's myspace or facebook, it can be a scary thing for a parent to see.

My mom trusted me 100% and I can't say I was such a good girl, but I did stay a virgin until I was almost 18.

I would rather have the talk with my daughter and let her know what is going on than to have a pregnancy or an STD to deal with. A parent should be able to be honest with their child and not have to make up stories about why they are having a talk.

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well my dd is almost 14 & yesterday our newspaper featured a girl 14 that had a baby so I was having all these thoughts in my head today if my dd which she is not at least I will cross my fingers but if she did have a bf I would have along talk & put her on BC

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My daughter is 12 and I do not have any practical advice based on experience to give. However, at this point, based on our past discussions about sex and boys and privacy issues, I think I would tell her how disappointed I was in her behavior and remind her that i believe that 16 years old is too young to be intimate with a boy. I would tell her that no 16 y.o. is mature enough to handle a relationship of this type. I would take her to the unwed mothers home here locally run by the catholic church and tell her that is where she will be living if she gets pregnant. I would then take her to the gyn and advise her to get bc pills. It would break my heart. That is what I *think* I would do..... Good luck..

Wow...I didn't know they still had unwed mother's homes.

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OMG! Would you actually threaten your child w/ kicking her out of your house if she got pregnant??? Would you force her to give the baby up for adoption as well? Wow! Just wow!

I'm all for implying whatever mean necessary EXCEPT the threat of withdrawing your love...

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FWIW, yes, there are homes for unwed mothers. One of my dearest friends runs an adoption agency, and also maintains just such a home. It is usually full. They do not take minors because of all the ru