I discovered by accident some rather unsettling text messages between my 16 year old daughter and her 16 year old boyfriend. They are sexual in nature and have left me speechless. I know they have not had sex, but seem to be talking about exploring other things. They are never left alone, so I'm not sure how any of this is to take place. I'm not sure what to do. She and I are very close, and have always talked about everything. My husband would have a stroke if he knew what was going on. I know this boy very well, know his family, etc. I don't want her not to trust me (since I read her texts), but am not sure how to proceed. Any advice?

You need to have a talk with her about the text messages. I tell my kids that when they start paying the bills then they can expect to have privacy from Mom, otherwise, email, text etc, can be viewed at any time without warning.

Rather than prolong the inevitable, I would take her to the Gyn and get her some birth control. How can you be sure that they haven't already had sex? Better to get it out in the open than to dance around it. Don't freak, tell her that you want her to be safe if this is already being discussed via text. That you are not giving her permission to have sex, but if and when this occurs, you want her to be protected.


This is one of the hardest things I had to do with my oldest DD. The saying is true....little kids....little problems...big kids....well you know already. Good luck!

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We've read our son's my space page and have been terrified of it all. Most of the kids are either already active or they are doing the "other things" which can be just as dangerous. Even the kids that we thought were not doing anything or were too nerdy or goodie goodie, well they are doing it too.
I would tell her it's time to have the really big woman to woman talk. I would talk to her about becoming a woman and the responsibilities that come with it. Then you can tell her that she will be going to see the gynecologist and explain how this is her time to develop a relationship with the doctor and an opportunity to get the real answers to any of her fears or curiosities from a doctor. I think if you approach it as another phase of her adolescence and not as an attack, she will be more responsive and open. Good luck.

Great advice George! And I mean that. Our parents weren't proactive enough. And our moms just had their heads buried in the sand, didn't they? I got a book to read on the couch when I was 12. So kudos to you Kfrech, for being one to ask the questions. And you just might want to get DH involved.


but Kellyboysmom, is there something I should know about--
Even the kids that we thought were not doing anything or were too nerdy or goodie goodie, well they are doing it too. Whatcha' know about Pat???lol....

I totally agree it would be very nice to have a nice mom and daughter talk and to keep the lines of communcation open at all times. Hope things are better. Peace.Catherine

Toonces gave you excellent advice, and it is exactly what I would do.

I think this is excellent advice.

I agree with all the advice, including taking her to the gyno and having a serious discussion about the consequences of her choices. Teenagers feel so invulnerable, and certain that "it won't happen to me", but there is so much out there beyond pregnancy.

If you have a strong faith, I would bring the values of your faith into the discussion as well.

As for 'spying', tough tamales. I've told my kids I certainly have my own life, and their emails & texts are not that scintillating that I need to read them for thrills! I will read them & do whatever else I need to if I feel they could be in a bad situation that requires adult knowledge & help. Good job!

I would get her some condoms and make sure she knows to use them every time, and how to use them. Pills aren't enough these days.

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I disagree with all the above advice but I'm not saying its bad advice but I think you are risking destroying the relationship you have with your daughter by telling her you have been spying on her and reading her text messages.How humiliating that would be.She might feel very intruded upon and not forgive you for a VERY long time.I would have a sex talk about birthcontrol with her and make up some excuse that your friend was asking you about it due to a circumstance that came up with her daughter and it just got you concerned about it for your own daughter.Plus ,if you tell her you have been reading her text messages,you will no longer know anything more that goes on because she will be sure not to ever talk about it in text again.
I would have been so hurt if my mom had never trusted me.I am so glad my mother always gave me 100% trust.And I returned that trust by staying a virgin till I was married too.Show trust and you just may get it in return.Show distrust and you just might find yourself in a war that you might regret later.
Also remember sometimes text sex talk is just that.Text talk.Just 2 people bored living out fantasies that a lot of times they will never do in real life.

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You don't owe your daughter an apology for reading her texts, that's your job. You are her mother, period. Make no apologies for having her best interests at heart. This isn't even a trust issue, you are freaking out, and rightly so, because of what you've read. Tell her that you think no less of her, because I can tell you when you approach her about this, she's going to be very embarassed, assure her that there is no need to be, but you want to tell her just how big all this is, and she needs to know what she's about to jump in to. I totally agree that if you are a family of faith, that needs to be mentioned. Pregnancy is only one result of unprotected sex, the diseases out there are numerous!! I would really, really stress to her that her virginity is the ONLY one true gift that she has to give her husband. It's rare and precious and once given, is gone forever. I'm 37, with perfect hindsight vision. If I knew just a little of what I was getting into having sex as a teen, let alone all the regrets once I realized just how big it is, there is nothing casual about sex at all, it's a covenant between 2 people. It's to be taken seriously.

You are doing a great job, I wish more mothers were willing to take risks to see what their kids are up to, and not let the world raise them (like I was). You said you two were close, I think it's gonna be OK when you guys talk. Just please stress to her how much you love her, for her not to be embarassed, and that your concerns for her are first priority.

As a parent, it's our job and responsibility to see what our kids are texting, listening to on their iPods, the facebook, myspace accounts, what sites they visit online, etc. Don't make apologies for it!!! I don't think it's snooping or being disrepectful at all. Noone else is going to look out for your child.

I agree. You are asking for trouble if you can't approach this without her finding out you have been spying on her. If you have raised your kids to not expect privacy, that's one thing, but if you haven't and then invade that privacy, that's a whole new game. If you have not already had a talk with her and talked about going to a GYN then it's past time to do that anyway. You don't need to let her know about reading the texts, just do a general, "It's time to have a talk", discussion with her.

OP, telling your daughter you saw her text messages may infuriate her and embarrass her and then she may close up to you. I believe the conversation should be just that you see her and her boyfriend becoming close and your daughter should know about all STD's and teenage pregnancy. Not only can someone catch an STD via sex but also oral sex. She should also know how to use a condom. There is nothing wrong with sending her out with protection. It does not mean she has permission to use it, but if she was to have sex at least she will be protected. I have seen many teenager girls "protecting" their virginity via oral sex. It is unimaginable but it is happening. I have a 14 yo boy and I have been talking to him openly about sex since he was young enough to say penis. Of course it was always age appropriate. At this age it is extremely important for them to understand the importance of these choices. School only teacher so much, we can teach them more. I have gotten pamphlets from Planned Parenthood, and their information on STD's is made to understand. Even if you do not support Planned Parenthood, you can find STD information on WebMd.
Bringing her to an ob/gyn is an excellent idea. Your daughter may feel better opening up to them instead of you, and that is ok. I agree with Dollydeal, if you mention anything about seeing her texts, she will no longer be open with you. Make it a trusting convo, not an attack on her and her bf.
Kellyboysmom also has good ideas. Just make it another conversation of being a teenage girl.
Good luck
acidreignn

I have to agree with brownsugargirl, I think she gave very good advice. If you can't be honest with your DD, how can you expect her to be honest with you?

.

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Just because you know they haven't had sex because they are never left alone! you are fooling your self!
my oldest was in the same situation never left alone, not allowed to date yet(14 years old) and never spent the night at any girlfriends that we did not personally know and approve of their home life! but she got pregnant at 14!! how did this happen? ditching lunch at school and parting at a near by house!
so if I had it to do again I would read every text every journal etc. to hope to put a stop to this before it happens!
my youngest dd was put on the pill as soon as she showed any interest in boys, but you know what she didn't mess around! and now tells me she is glad I took control and did this!

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I would take her to gyo and get her on the pills asap. Watching them and not leaving them alone aint gonna cut it. like someone else posted, they wanna do it, they will find a way. cutting class and going to someone's home where the parents are at work is a prime example.
as for reading the text, well, if you tell her that you read it, that will be the end of texting and you wont be able to find out anything else. But I also agree that she is to young for you to not be reading texts, myspace and such.

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Dolly,
I'm glad you decided to stay a virgin until you were married, but sadly this is just not the norm in today's society. More and more kids are exploring their sexuality at much younger ages than the OP's 16 yr old daughter. Their methods of communication are way more public than what we were used to. Check out any random teen's myspace or facebook, it can be a scary thing for a parent to see.

My mom trusted me 100% and I can't say I was such a good girl, but I did stay a virgin until I was almost 18.

I would rather have the talk with my daughter and let her know what is going on than to have a pregnancy or an STD to deal with. A parent should be able to be honest with their child and not have to make up stories about why they are having a talk.

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well my dd is almost 14 & yesterday our newspaper featured a girl 14 that had a baby so I was having all these thoughts in my head today if my dd which she is not at least I will cross my fingers but if she did have a bf I would have along talk & put her on BC

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My daughter is 12 and I do not have any practical advice based on experience to give. However, at this point, based on our past discussions about sex and boys and privacy issues, I think I would tell her how disappointed I was in her behavior and remind her that i believe that 16 years old is too young to be intimate with a boy. I would tell her that no 16 y.o. is mature enough to handle a relationship of this type. I would take her to the unwed mothers home here locally run by the catholic church and tell her that is where she will be living if she gets pregnant. I would then take her to the gyn and advise her to get bc pills. It would break my heart. That is what I *think* I would do..... Good luck..

Wow...I didn't know they still had unwed mother's homes.

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OMG! Would you actually threaten your child w/ kicking her out of your house if she got pregnant??? Would you force her to give the baby up for adoption as well? Wow! Just wow!

I'm all for implying whatever mean necessary EXCEPT the threat of withdrawing your love...

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FWIW, yes, there are homes for unwed mothers. One of my dearest friends runs an adoption agency, and also maintains just such a home. It is usually full. They do not take minors because of all the rules and regs and liabilities asociated with doing so. Their average resident is 19-22ish. The agency provides full medical care, free of charge, and does so whether the woman has an adoption plan or is planning to parent her child. They also often provide a car (donated to the agency) and several months worth of insurance payments to the woman (along with a car seat for the baby, of course) to help her get on her feet.

Some are there because of no family support, some because they are on the outs with the boyfriend and want/need to hide... just a variety of reasons.

OP, nobody knows what kind of relationship you have with your daughter to know what's best, but I think your reaction and interactions need to be on a deeper level than just an outright grounding and taking away the phone, etc. In our home, the expectation is that sex is for married people. I don't know what mindset you've instilled in your daughter - that it's for 'when she's ready' or 'when she's married' or if you haven't talked about it at all. I think approaching her with love and concern rather than anger, and with a reason deeper than *just* the potential physical consequences will be more impactive than a discussion about the specifics of bc, etc., if in fact your desire is to see her *stop* rather than proceed with caution.

Very well stated.

.

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I use to read my ds text until he put a password on his phone,but i do read his my space. page .I never told him i readed his text but i explain to him about putting things in text and on his my space page.We had the sex education talk MY ds is 16 now he was 12 when i start reading his text

I guess there are unwed mothers homes for those who dont love their child enough to accept something that happens in a normal life.
Can you imagine being one of these poor girls???
My great Aunt (she was born in 1908) had a baby out of wedlock, was forced to have the child in a nunnery in Brooklyn, and her mother raised the baby as their own, Times were different then, but her family did everything they could to protect their daughter and her baby.

Well, I agreed upon having "The talk",but if she is going to be honest by telling her daughter that she read her personal private chats than she better be prepared for war is all I have to say.Yes,honesty is good but that is going a bit too far with the honesty IMO. If you had slept with a guy at 15 and caught herpes would you also tell your daughter that, just to be honest with her? If you gave a boy a BJ at age 16 would you tell her that just to be "honest" with her? I bet not.Same with her.Her private chats she would not want to talk about with you either.

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OP, any chance your family can arrange to "care for" a young child you know for a few days, when your DD is out of school? Maybe someone you know with a small child needs a couple days break, maybe a single mother? Obviously a child who knows your family, maybe a niece or nephew? I would make sure your DD is around for all of it to let her experience caring for a young child.

Or I could call you and she could come over and change my DD's poopy diaper. You are often guaranteed a mini tantrum. You ain't lived until poop hits you between the eyes.

Just an idea.

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My advise - talk to your daughter. I got up with the puppy the other night at 3 AM and heard on the police scanner calling for an ambulance for a 13 year old girl having a miscarriage and was 11 weeks pregnant. I can't stop thinking about this girl - we live in a small town.

Talk to your daughter but do NOT apoligize or feel badly about reading her text messages. If you did not read it you would have no idea what was going on. More parents need to be involved in thier childrens lives. All my best to you.

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I agree with the other posters who said to have a "woman to woman" talk with her WITHOUT letting her know you've read her texts.

Then, make an appointment for her with the dr. to get an exam and birth control. When I was underage, my mother gave our family dr(who also handled yearly exams)permission to give me birth control if I ever asked for it. This was a HUGE thing for her to do since she is very religious but she did see the practical side and decided that if I was going to have sex then it was best to have protected sex(pregnancy was the biggest worry then).

Now she says that if she had teenagers today she'd put the bc in their breakfast every morning lol!

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LOL they need BC pill for boys too. friend of mine is a year older than me and he became grampa just the other day I'm not ready for any that stuff rather have my own out of the house before I have grandkids coming to visit!


I read my sons emails, texts, myspace ect and he knows I will. if he wants to make a profile somewhere on some forum ect Mom and Dad has to have the password or the site gets automatically banned which dh does.

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OP, have you discussed anything with your daughter yet? Just curious.

I'm curious to hear what happened, too. I really appreciate discussions like this because all the ideas and opinions help me prepare for my kiddos. Our son is 5 and daughter is 10. I also have a 13yo stepdaughter that lives with us full-time. She has a cell phone that her grandmother (her mother's mom) bought her (with the agreement of my DH). We had a list of cell phone rules when she came home that weekend. One of the rules is that we can read her texts at any time...so she knows. We're not so naive to think she won't delete texts so we won't see them, but at least she knows beforehand and there are no "privacy" issues if we have to talk about something we read. We have had to have more rules for her since she has shown to be untrustworthy...I'm sure there are people who think they're children should be given privacies like that. IMHO, if you live in my house, it's all my business.

peapie

I left my son with the impression that we could log into his cell account online and see all incoming and outgoing texts.

Sure made him sit up and look concerned. lol

I let him presume that we could for about a week before clarifying.

Well as a mom I can tell you it CAN happen..I have a 17 year old now, but when she was 14 she skipped school and was involved with a 21 year old..we didnt allow her to have a boyfriend at all, but she snuck around and he had told her he was 17. Her dad and I agreed that he was too old at 17 for her, these girls are too emotional, but long story short, I presssed charges and at this time he is in prison. Not only was he seeing my daughter but 2 others, all 14 years old.
I would be more worried about the diseases that she can catch...talk to her

I would not have "clarified" -- I would have let him think this was true for a longggg time

Honestly, I've worked with a lot of teenagers. And teens will find a way if they want too. My personal advise is, treat your teenager like a grown up, set them down told them what you did and talk to them. Express you concern and all the issues that can arise from having sexual activity:
1. STD's 2. Pregnancy 3. Break Up
Honestly, most girls are doing this because they are getting attention from guys especially if there is not much attention at home or from a father figure. And it pretty much always ends up in a break up. Most people feel horrible after they have sex for the first time and realize the guys is just using her. Just ask her questions like how would you feel if you got pregnant, std's or even broke up with him

Girls are emotional based, boys are physical. He says he loves her, she'll do whatever he asks, which for him will be anything that pleasures him in any sort.. There is a book called "Every young mans battle", its amazing. Its for boys, but I have honestly read and was amazed at some things, and I've been married to my husband for 10 years.

But treat her as a grown up, I know shes not fully developed adult wise, but teens want to be treated respectfully. Just talk to her.