I have this friend, that has a man that lives with her. She and her dh have two teenage sons.

This man, who has been a very good friend of her dh's. Right now he has no job, no money and is in need of a place to stay. He has no where else to live.

However, he spends a LOT of time on the internet, and picks up the ladies on an internet dating site. She and her dh told him that was fine, and they had no problems with him bringing a lady home as long as it was not someone off of the internet AND as long as it was not while their boys were home.

She just called me and said that they were watching TV in their room, and she got up about 11pm to get some water and something to eat. She hears some noise coming out of his room (the door was shut), but went on downstairs. Her son was in the family room and she said she asked if there was anyone that came over, her son said he didn't know.
She said that about an hour or so later, downstairs came the guy with some woman.. a woman that she does know WHO IS MARRIED and they had obviously had a romp in the park, so to speak in the bedroom.

She just told me that she is/was livid and exploded on both of them (she followed them outside and told them off out there). She said she is so mad, because of him doing this with her boys home.

I told her that she had every right to be upset and to even yell at them if that is what she felt like. She said they had the nerve to tell her "You don't have to get so upset with us and raise your voice" WHAT? I told her "ohhh H to the E to the double LL NO! they didn't!" I mean, I would have done more than just rip them a new ahole. They are paying his board, food and everything else. How dare he go against what was specifically put down in the very beginning.

She asked me if she should tell her dh to just kick him out. She said her dh was mad, but not as mad as her. Almost like he is trying to keep the peace. I told her under no circumstances was this respectful of their home and family. She should kick him out to the curb!

How would you react if something like this happened to you? Would you be upset if your guest brought in a person to "screw" in your home.. let alone a married person at that, while your teenage children are home???? There was no question for me, but then again, I am a hothead when it comes to crap like that.

You can find jobs and apartments online, as well as **** buddies. I don't see the dilemma here. I'd give the friend some boxes and garbage bags to pack his things up in, and maybe a week to depart, tops. No shouting, no arguing, and no allowing for any extra time or bargaining.

She doesn't need to ask her DH permission. She needs to tell this guy he has disrespected her kids, her house and the rules he agreed to live by. That calls for a 48 hr eviction. Period

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Sounds like the guy is moocher in more then one way and has no respect for anybody. If he is living for free and he wanted sex that bad sounds like he could get a hotel or do what most teenagers do ... the wild outdoors...lmao! That was totally rude and disrespectful, I would show him the door.

steph

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He'd be long gone. What kind of an example is this for her kids? Not just he moral issues, but the time to cruise the internet & pick up married women, but no job, no constructive life.

Wouldn't be a discussion. OUT.

I agree. What is the "ethical dilemma" in your thread title???

The guy disrespected your home. End of discussion. He would be out of my house.

I would say that they invited trouble into their home by allowing a grown man with nothing going for him (no job, no money, no blood relatives apparently that would allow him to live with them, that says alot, no other options), and spends alot of his time trolling for women on the internet, into their family home. Oh, then tell him sure you can bring women home for some hot times so long as the boys are not home. I mean he has to have something to fill the time between his internet activity and mooching off his good friends. I believe he did not get himself into the postion he is in by being a responsible, upright, respectful person, and that his good friends could have seen this coming if they had their eyes open when they entered into this. Maybe I don't know all the facts about his circumstances, but the evidence seems to point toward this person being a real bum, and the family using not very great judgement by allowing this person is their home and saying you can bring home women under certain circumstances. Maybe the wife was not as onboard with this idea as the husband, hence her strong reaction to the incident.

I agree, sounds like she set up ground rules and he broke them, He's outta there.

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He sounds like a total skank, and I would be scared to imagine the kind of chicks he brings to her house. He would be long gone, if it were me.

I agree only I would throw all of his stuff on the sidewalk in trash bags and tell him to pick it up before trash day

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I agree with what everyone above has said. He has time to find "buddies" online and screw around...then he has time to find a job and an apartment. They were nice enough to let him stay there until he "got on his feet"...sounds like he's spending more time in bed than out looking for work. Kick him to the curb. ~Lisa

LOL. I agree.
Could the guy have misunderstood? I mean in a way, I could see that as meaning you can't pick up strangers and bring them home when the boys are home. Well, this person that he was in the room with was not an internet stranger and perhaps he thought since the friend knew her, her being there would be ok?

In any case, he broke a rule, the lady no longer wants him there so he should go. Period.

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To me this guy is the typical moocher who will who will take advantage of a helping hand and go beyond ( like breaking the rules ) the only thing I hope for is that they kick him OUT ASAP ,, otherwise he will continue to mooch off and try to break more rules.

Funny how this post comes at a time when I am struggling with a similiar situation,, a "buddie" of DH was mooching off rides to and from work for about a year and I was not informed until recently ( and with gas prices so high ) I blew a gasket I was so incredibly angry and upset.

Its sad but true that there are people who will take advantage of people in so many different ways :-(

Your friend and her DH are enabling this man to take complete advantage of their entire family.

If your friend *needs* the support of DH to kick this guy out, I would suggest that she take the "We-care-too-much" route to get him out of there.

She can said that they are happy to have been able to provide a safe haven for the time that they did, but in order to preserve their friendship, and to maintain the values taught in that home (regarding the children), it's time to pack up. At least he's made new "friends" in this time, so they won't have to feel guilty that they're feeding him to the wolves...

No time to spare! He needs to be out. If this wasn't enough, what abuse or disrespect will your friends' family have to endure?

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Woo... thanks for your opinions.. I will be talking to her again tomorrow, and I appreciate some of the solid words that I can also point out to her.


Yeah, what a dirt bag. There would be NO second thoughts in my mind.. He would be so outta there!


Her DH would be right along with him, if he was mine, and gave flack about kicking him out! lol!

When he left with his lady friend would have been the last time he would have been in my house. As I would have been yelling at him too with an added get your stuff and get out.

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I was thinking the SAME thing! Why in the WORLD would they tell him it's ok to do that?

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I think that a lot of it has to do with because they were army buddies, and are best friends. She, on the other hand, is stuck in the dilemma because she is trying to understand where her dh is coming from in regards to his loyalty to him, but also the fact that she has a responsibility to her home and children. Just guessing, but that is how I took it, and why the thread was called "ethical dilemma".

But, I am hoping that by tomorrow (or sooner if she calls to tell me) she will have some great news that the dirtbag is out. I hope anyway!

Get him out quick. If he thinks so little of the family that has so kindly taken him in, what will be next. He obviously has no respect for them or anyone. I would pack him up and drop him off at the nearest homeless shelter. It may be the reality kick in the pants that he needs to get him on track again. Make sure they get their locks changed and check their credit reports.

is he looking for a job at all?

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"Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God? " ~Epicurus

He broke the rule... 'as long as it was not while their boys were home'. Being a grown man, he does not deserve any chances.

I'd give him until this coming Saturday to figure out where he'll be moving to. On Saturday, I'd change the locks on the doors and do as smurf suggests.

It is really upsetting when people (in particular *friends*) take advantage of the kindness of others. I believe I partway understand the bond that army buddies can have (without knowing where/when they served together) but this is complete disrespect and putting him out might just be the kick-in-the-pants that he needs to get his life in order. They might honestly be doing him a favor by kicking him out!

Forgive me for playing the devil's advocate just a little bit, but there was a post in the teenager sex thread that hit on what I was thinking about this. Teenage daughter - need advice

Guys are physical. Some guys especially. I think it's possible that his view on the situation is entirely different than the mom's view or many of the readers here. He may look at getting some as just part of everyday life and may have applied selective hearing or selective interpretation to the rules, or perhaps the rules weren't as clear as the homeowners thought they were (perhaps bringing a lady home should not be allowed under any circumstances). DH, being of the guy type, might relate to guy type behavior and that might explain why he wasn't too upset.

I guess I'm saying if the guy is workign to find a job, is helping around the house, or contributing in some way, that perhaps a second chance, after a long discussion, might be allowed. Hard to say.

cj/

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