I have a 5 year old son who just started going to kindergarden and is not listening/behaving at school. He has gone to daycare since he has been three and is use to being away from me but when I drop him off at school he causes a scene and has huge separation issues, which he has never done. The teacher has sent home notes stating tells her no a lot and doesn't follow the rules. I have talked to my son about listening and following the rules and he said he brain is telling him not to follow the rules and the teacher doesn't like him.

I am working with the teacher and the counselor to try to get him back on the right track. At home we have a sticker chart and small goals for him to earn when he behaves at school. The school has set up a similar program for him at school. He tells me all the time he isn't going to cry when I drop him off and that he will follow the rules at school but all of last week that was not the case.

We have also restricted him from doing things he enjoys at home (computer time, board games, going to grandma's, etc) when he misbehaves at school. We have tried to stress to him he isn't bad but making bad choices.

I don't know what else to do and would like some suggestions.

Well, everything I would suggest you're already doing, so I'm stumped. Bless his heart, I felt for him when you wrote he told you his brain tells him not to follow the rules. It's so hard being a kid. I have no suggestions, just wanted to encourage you to hang in there and love the little guy. It's hard being a mommy too, hu?

When did your school start? If it's only been a couple weeks, give it time. It sounds like you are doing all the right things. I would make the rewards the big deal, not the punishments. Does he get a reward when he gets a certain number of stickers? Make it worth his while to behave. If he behaved at daycare, he'll get the hang of it in school, it could be that the change is too much for him right now and just needs more time.

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I also think it depends on how long he has been in school. (My school has been in session since 8/8). If he is still in his first 2 weeks, give it some more time, as you know he was ok in preschool. K is usually longer hours and more kids in a class, so more of an adjustment. If it has been 3 weeks or more, is there a possibility somebody else could drop him off at school for you?
Hang in there, don't give up.

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He is not on meds, is he?

My stepson had a very similar problem when he started kindergarten. He would scream and hold his breath while I was trying to leave. It broke my heart. He was very anti-social (so unlike him) and just plain mean to the teacher and kids when they tried to get him to interact. It took about a month for him to realize that he wasn't going to be able to stay home with me for the day, but that I would be there everyday after school for him. He eventually became use to the routine and fit right in. I think it's hard for some children to start kindergarten. I would hang in there for a few weeks and see how he does. It sounds like you are doing all the right things.

His brother, his twin, left me at the door with a wave like you can leave anytime and don't even think of giving me a hug in front of everyone.

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This is tough. I work at a school and we see this a lot. It's hard for some kids to separate from Mom or Dad on a daily basis. I have a first grader at school that was fine in K, but now that he's in 1st he cries and throws a tantrum when Mom tries to leave him. We're working with him every day too.

Give this a look-see. I'm not a doctor, but when you said he said his brain is telling him to not to follow the rules I thought of this. I'm not saying it fits your situation, but it might be something to look at.
Children With Oppositional Defiant Disorder | American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry

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ITA. If punishment isn't working, try a reward system instead. My DS almost never responded to punishments, but a system of graduated rewards that he had to earn over time was very useful.

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Your post could have been written by me two weeks ago. I just wanted to cry everyday. I tried a few things. Unlike what other posters said, I did punish him daily for the wrong things, but also spent more one on one time with him. Something I was told was that the same sex parent (ie: father/son) has more influance, and that more time with that parent would help more - so we did that. We did not do rewards for OK behvaior - I am not saynig it doesn't work, but I wanted him to learn you don't get rewarded for something that is just plain expected of you. We did do treats and such and make a big deal of his postive steps, but we did not say be good and you get this. In our case the school, the church and friends all said it was about being in a bigger class and trying to get more attention. Once we hit the two week mark we had a break though and no teacher calls / no notes home since then.

Good luck!

PS: How old is he? Is he close to the cut off age? If so maybe he isn't ready...the school cut off here is Sept. 1, but alot of times the summer birthdays are held back (by the parents) to allow for maturity.

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Thanks to everyone who has responded. The school started the begining of September and for the first two weeks it wasn't that great then he was doing really great. Last week was a bad week but today was a good day.

I did offer to get him a new game if he behaved and didn't cry at school. It seemed to work but told him that tomorrow we can't buy a toy but maybe we can go somewhere special like the park where he likes to go.


I am glad to see I am not alone and have support.


Thanks again

Give it a try but he may just have problems with that teacher or it may not be a great teacher. My DD had trouble in K. She had gone to preschool and had started out ok but it got so bad she was crying before she went to school from the time she woke up then it got to the point she was crying at night before she went to bed about how she didn't want to go. She is a timid child so we just figured it was her. I wish I had listened to her and pulled her from the class. It turns out her teacher was actually that bad. Her first grade teacher said she could tell right off which kids were in her k class because they hadn't learned anything. They were so far behind that the 1st grade teacher had to go back and teach them everything they were supposed to have learned in k before she could start with 1st grade material. This really put her behind and kids from other k classes were frustrated.

Maybe sneak in and monitor the class.

Go to your local library and get some John Rosemond books. His techniques work!

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My son works well with the reward system and whatever works and gets you through the day is my philosophy!

The first year of kindergarten( he did 2, he was really young when he started) was torture for me, the teacher and him. He was ready acedemically and could do the work, but he was only 4 when he started so he didn't have the maturity. Is your son young?

And he will get through it, just keep trying, poor little guy!

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Glad I could help. Sometimes seeing things in black & white helps. I know when we were unsure if our DD had ADD it helped me to read some objective literature on the subject.

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