My 17 yr old son, high school senior, has been dating a girl since this spring. She is now a college freshman living in a dorm. The college is only 2 miles from our home, so he is over there a LOT.

Today he said she invited him to spend the night in her dorm room; here is exactly what he told me (in an email...)
---------------------
Ok so I'm sending this via email rather than talking because I want
you to hear all of it before you answer.

(girlfriend) and her roommate invited me to stay over Friday night. I would
really like to. (girlfriend) and (roommate) both have their own beds, and there
is a small futon beneath (roomate's) bed that I slept on before when I
came home really late and told you I had fallen asleep.

The door will be open, there is an RA right across the hallway with
her door open, and there is another RA on hall patrol. We asked
(girlfriend's) RA if it was okay for me to stay overnight and she said yes,
as long as it doesn't exceed two nights in a row.

I have been good with my curfew and you know I'm responsible enough to
handle this. I would really appreciate your permission and trust, and
given the opportunity I won't let you down.
-----------
MY RESPONSE:
The answer is no. It has nothing to do with trust. It is not
> appropriate for a 17 yr old boy to spend the night in a girl's dorm
> room. If you really think that this is appropriate, it makes me
> seriously question if you are ready to live away from home next year
> and what kind of decisions you will be making for yourself. This
> also makes me question (girlfriend) and her morals, if she honestly
> thinks that this is appropriate, which she apparently does if she
> issued the invitation.
>
> You have your curfew, and you need to be home by that time.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Initially he said he was fine with my decision, that he didn't like it but that he would respect it. He is a good boy and has never given me any trouble, I just don't think this is appropriate.


SO - if you were in my place, what would you do? I really want to know how you really feel - I'm not just looking for people to agree with me. Am I missing something here? I don't think I am too strict - I just don't think this is appropriate!

Good answer, exactly what I would say.

I agree with you. I'd say "no". There's absolutely no reason for him to stay, especially since the college is two miles away.
(Even if it was farther, I'd still say no)

He sounds like a smart and reasonable young man. You should be very proud of him and how he handled it.

to add one more thing - this is what he came back with a few hours later - that he will be at college next year and I won't be able to "control" him... I said all the more reason for him to learn now that staying overnight in a girl's dorm room is not appropriate and sends the wrong message and gives the wrong impression to others. He sees a counselor a couple times a month, and he saw her today and she told him that I should let him go! I said I think we need to find a different counselor!

I would have let him go, but thats me. He is 17, soon he will be 18. He asked and had all bases covered with supervision. I have had girls sleep over here in the family room after prom and such.
At 17, he is not yet an adult, but almost. I would want him to start making some decisions for himself, or he will have a hard time learning. I dont think they are planning on having sex, with the roommate and RA there....If they were going to, they have already done it by now.
Also, just my opinion, but it wouldnt hurt to have a more grown up sex talk with him about lifetime changes and consequences.
JMO

edited to add, I have a 20 yr old son, he is a jr in college, on scholarship, works and is awesome. I let him make many decisions to try to help him prepare for life, while watching and worrying and stepping in if necessary to guide him. So this is something I can relate to

Amen to the getting a new counselor! I am so proud of you, what a great mother you are!! I absolutely agree with you on it not being appropriate and sending the wrong message. You're doing your job right now, what he decides as an 18 year old adult, out of the home, won't be up to you anymore, but right now it is. Again, I am so proud of you.

Finally a mom that is not afraid to say NO!

My dd is 20 and it has amazed me how many of her friends parents allowed boyfriends to stay the night with them at as young as 14 or 15. I was the "uncool" parent because I did not. While I know I can not stop my children from having sex, I am not planning on giving them a place to do it or helping them in any way. And when she argued the same as your son about next year. I told her .. next year you can do it. But right now he is under 18 and when he is 18 can wait and do it then. As I said my dd is 20 and I also still have a previous foster daughter living with us and she is 19. Both are sexually active and I know it they tell me. Neither are allowed to have boys spend the night and neither are even allowed to have a boy upstairs in their room. They can visit in the basement with them.. there is a pooltable, TV, DVD, computer etc.. They are both adults and dd is in college but living at home since it is only 25 minutes to school. But they are under my roof and so it is my rules.

I think you made the right choice.. I think if more parents would say no there just might be less STD's and maybe less teenagers having babies. You can stop them from having sex but by letting them spend the night your sending the message that your ok with it.

You go mom. This is a difficult situation - he will be on his own next year - but I admire you for sticking to your guns.

You gave the exact answer I would have, so of course I think you are right!! Good job. Totally not an appropriate situation. I understand in their young minds that they had all the bases covered, but they don't understand the consequences yet.

As far as the counselor goes...........holy cow, I would blow my top. There is NO way I would want my child counlseling with someone that would openly disagree with a decision I the parent have made.!! Even if she disagreed, she should have encouraged him to respect your wishes and kept her opinion to herself!!! I've counseled teens on a very non prefessional basis, but I would never give my opinion if it was opposition with the parent. Very unprofessional on her part.......UGH!

__________________
Melissa

Our daughter is in college and I KNOW what it means that the door will be open and the RA will be on the hall. Yea, right. lol. her room mate brought home so many guys that we nicknamed her Blanch Devero ( the slutty one on the Golden girls) It got to the point that our daughter was spending the nite with her girlfriends cause Blanch had someone over. The RA knew this cause our daughter spend many nights with her. lol. finally it was time that you could put in to trade dorm rooms and she did . Blanch didnt come back after christmas break cause rumor was she was expecting. reckon how that happened with the door open and the RA on the hall. Our daughter said the RA made rounds at 11:00 pm and then went to her room and didnt come back out. so blanch would bring the guy in after 11:00 pm
I think you made the right choice. No need in putting them in the place where they may be tempted to do something.
Our best friends son who is 16 is going to be a dad in 5 months. His 15 yr old girlfriend and him have never been left alone when they are at either parents homes. She wasnt allowed to date yet but she is now expecting. Seems they had a little free time one day after school and she sneaked and rode home from school with him and her parents wasnt home yet. She was suppose to ride the bus home and when she did ride the bus, she got home after the parents did. So...... sneaking to ride home with him, and now they are gonna be parents.
good lord.

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did she tell YOU that you should let him go? Or is that just what your DS reported she said?? I'd have a conversation w/ the counselor first. Your darling son could have taken the counselor's comments out of context, misunderstood or he could have simply lied hoping you'd feel pressure to change your mind.

As to whether you should or shouldn't---that's your call. Your still the parent, he is still the child. But, he's correct in that next year you won't have the same amount of control. Instances like this is one of those things that could have several correct answers.

Now, I know it's been years since I was living in the dorms, but we could not have guys "sleep over"--during the week any male guests had to be out by 11 PM, during the weekend they had to be out by 2 AM.

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

It's been years since I've been in the dorms too, but even back then we had coed dorms.

ahhhh....but I lived in an all female dorm. There was only one co-ed dorm at the time on campus. All the other dorms were single sex dorms.

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

I agree with Brendasm1. Your son asked you trust him and you told him no. I'm not saying you choice was wrong...just not what I would have done, especially since he is soon to be 18.

I think that he asked you in the first place shows a great deal of maturity. He could have simply lied through his teeth and no one would have been the wiser. I wouldn't have a problem with it.

I think you should've let him stay over. They aren't going to do anything after midnight that they haven't done before midnight! lol I would be stressing the safe sex talk, not the be home by your curfew talk. From his email, he seems respectful to you and a pretty good kid? Good luck!

Ediited to add: I don't think that you should've emailed back questioning HER morals. This is between your son and yourself. saying things like that is just going to piss him off & I sure hope that he doesn't pass that message along to her (although he probably already has).

I was in coed dorms back in college. And they didn't care if you had guests staying over or not. My college boyfriend pretty much moved in my first year there.

__________________
I've never lied to you. I've always told you some version the of truth.

Well I'm on the other side of this now. My DS is in college and his roommate feels the need to have his GF stay over alot. My son gets SOOOO ticked because she's there all the time. He said he woke up one morning and there she was standing in his room sayin good morning. He said he's not comfortable at all when she's there. He feels like he should leave because he's a third wheel. I think thats EXTREMELY rude considering it's HIS room too. Not hers. A week ago he called me on a Friday and said come get me for the weekend she's up her and I just wanna be home so I don't have to deal with it. The bad thing is his roommate and him have been friends since 1st grade so he thought it would be nice to room with him, now he's not real thrilled at all with it. I wouldn't let my child stay with their BF/GF in a dorm after hearing my poor son saying how much it ticks him off having another person basically invade his space.

__________________
Mom to Jake, Zach & Meghan
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But it's just another life learning experience. Especially since he has known this kid for a long time, he should be able to have an *adult* conversation with him and work out a compromise. Maybe weekends are okay for her to stay? Or every other day? whatever, as long as the roommates agree on it. By just leaving and not dealing with his roommate about it will not solve the problem.

hmm, I'm guessing she doesn't have kids. Maybe she does and just has a different mind set. I agree with your decision to tell him no. I think you present a valid argument. It's true that next year he will be making these decisions on his own but until then, he lives in your house and you deserve the respect of having your rules followed. It is wonderful that he is so open with you and chose to discuss it instead of just doing it and hoping you wouldn't find out.

__________________
Cecilia

"We must love them both--those whose opinions we share and those whose opinions we reject. For both have labored in the search for truth, and both have helped us in the finding of it."
Saint Thomas Aquinas

Considering he is 17 and will be in college next year I would of let him go. If they are gonna have sex they would of had it by now.

To the ones who were talking about the roommates who always having their girlfriends/boyfriends over how rude of them! They must only think of themseleves.

steph

__________________
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Stand your ground!

Rebecca

Well he has talked to the roommate. Many times. And every other day. NO WAY. He has class EVERY day 5 days a week. Why should he HAVE to deal with someone who doesn't live there being there every other night. I think it's VERY rude to expect someone to stay there more then 1 night a week. Sorry to say. The rooms are tiny and I think it's so rude. Considering the girlfriend in this situation is only 17 and still in high school WTH are her parents even letting her stay there for anyways. When he's not being able to study or have quiet time like he would like to it's hard for him to focus on school. Unfortunatley his roommate feels he's an adult and can have anyone over whenever he wants with no regard at all for his roommate.

__________________
Mom to Jake, Zach & Meghan
SJCC STREAKS FOOTBALL!!
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I would have trusted him.He was honest enough to ask.He could have lied and said he was staying at a friends house,but instead he was opening the door to an open and honest relationship.

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All these responses have been very interesting, and I thank everyone for giving their opinion.

For me, it's not really about sex. I just plain don't think it is appropriate. Last spring one of his male friends had a co-ed sleep over at his parent's house after prom, and my son said he knew there was no way I would have allowed him to go (and he was certainly right on that).

When he has gone away for events, I always make sure the boys/girls will be separated. Once when he went away for a weekend with a waterskiing club, he got there and found out that they were all in one bunk house! He called me because he was uncomfortable with that and I went to pick him up. We've always had a close relationship and he is a very good boy. Sure hormones run rampant at that age and if they are going to do it they can find a time/place - I'm not that stupid. However, I don't think I need to be encouraging something that I find inappropriate and I would like him to start thinking about how some of these things look to other people. Just because he will be out of the house next year doesn't mean that it will be a free for all; I certainly hope that the past 17 yrs and this coming senior year will reinforce good values and common sense in him.

Good job mom! I don't think it's appropriate either. It has nothing to do with trust, it's just not appropriate.

I would tell him 18 is a whole other year away.
That then he is an adult and can make his own decisions.

Its hard because i know he is older and he sounds very mature with his approach to you. But he is what he is. 17 and not 18- a whole year makes a whole lotta difference according to the statitory rape laws. (Im sorry I had to bring that in the discussion) but it is true.
Even though they are just hanging out- you just never know!

Stay strong, Mama! Its hard, I know!

I actually thought about the underage rape laws too. Glad you pointed it out.

I'm not sure I would have let him go, but I'm also not sure I'm comfortable with the response you gave him. It just seemed kind of harsh, questioning his readiness to leave home next year. He was mature enough to ask you, rather than lying. If I had been the recipient of the kind of response he got, I might be hesitant to ask next time, and just not ask and do what I wanted.

On another note, in highschool I was part of a group of about 12 people, boys and girls. We camped overnight together, hung out all the time, and the day after graduation we went on a weekend vacation together..with one townhouse. No one was dating, no one "fooled around"...heck, we didn't even drink. Your scenario is a bit different since he is dating the girl, but I think I would have said yes. (I know...changed from my initial thought) if you knew that he would be responsible if they did end up having sex. Apparently the lines of communication are open between you and your son, so perhaps you could have given him your reasoning for not wanting him to go, and then let him make the ultimate decision. He could factor in your thoughts and decide one way or another, you would just have to be prepared for him to choose the option you weren't happy with.

I think he showed a great deal of maturity for being so honest. I think you had to make the decision that felt right for you. I am not so sure I would have worded telling him no in the way that you did, because he may not be so honest the next time he gets such an offer. Now...having said that, I would have let him go. Our oldest daughter was very honest and mature. We always praised her on her honesty, and told her that as long as she was honest with us, we would be willing to sit down and talk about whatever plans she had. We may not have always agreed with her, but we let her know that part of being an adult is learning to make your own decisions. A few of her friends did not have parents that were willing to talk openly, and we watched as these young woman entered college and quickly made up for their very strict upbringing. One of which went from being a high honor roll student to flunking many of her first semester classes.

I think dollydeal brings up a good point. On the one hand, he WAS open with you, and appears to have put a lot of thought into it.

On the other hand, there have been several people suggesting to you that you should have let him, since he was so *honest* with you...

Do you think, maybe, that was his plan? If I put this scenario openly out there, and express how *trustworthy* I'll be, won't that make it harder for her to say 'no?'

OP, while you stuck to your guns, several responders indicate that they would have folded, simply based on your son's presentation to you. But I think the presentation was a ploy, in a way. I'm glad you stuck to your guns, for all the reasons that you should have.

For the record, though, one poster mentioned that you came down somewhat harshly on the girlfriend by questioning HER morals. I agree this was a little harsh. This was the master plan of at least your son, and likely had your son's girlfriend's involvement, too. They were probably equally invested in making this work - her no more than him. Be careful not to put her down in front of him, if you don't want to create resentment between you and DS. It seems like you have an excellent relationship. Try to show his GF the same consideration you've shown your son (and he's shown you).

This is all, of course, MHO! Good luck. You're obviously a great mom, and you raised your boy well.

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"The errors of faith are better than the best thoughts of unbelief." - Thomas Russell

He was open about it and should make sure you tell him how proud of him you are for that, but he still is 17.

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I am very impressed by the e-mail he wrote you. What a mature young man! While my initial reaction would probably be"no way" I think I would let him sleep over. It's really not such a big deal. There is nothing that they can't "do" during the day and at that age it's just cool to spend the night. BTW, my guys are 19 (DD) and 21 (DS) and they both live with their boy-/girlfriend. I'm from Europe and we just take those things a little easier than most people over here.

I'm on the fence as to whether I'd let my ds stay or not. If you feel it's inappropriate, then you did the right thing by telling him no.

However, your email to him was pretty harsh. I really hope his girlfriend didn't read it. I would imagine that if this is someone your ds is close with, then you probably want to have a good relationship with her too.

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Once the game is over, the king and the pawn go back in the same box.

I loved your response and I think that you sound like an excellent mother. Your reply was direct and to the point. I couldn't have said it better myself. He may be going off to college next year, but he still lives in your home. Until then, he can abide by your rules and respect your wishes. You did good Mom! ~Lisa

It's hard for me to say how I would have resonded as my DS is only 12. However, I THINK I would give my permission. I LOVE the letter he wrote you. I think it shows a good head on his shoulder and a lot of respect for you. I do think that you need to handle the situation as it feels right for you and your son, so I think you did the right thing by refusing his request. But I think I would have granted my permission. It sounds like your trust is important to him, and that is really great.

I would do the exact same thing. Hats off to you for holding your son to higher morals! (Or course I shouldn't be talking right now, cause I have been out with the girls and am in no shape to be making any judgement calls!)

Ditto--- it's not she's far away and he would have a long drive back home or anything either.

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Forgiveness is love in its most noble form. -Anonymous

I would say regardless of mine or anyone else's opinion on the subject, you did the right thing for you. If you feel it is inappropriate, then you made the right decision. You stuck to your morals and guidelines. Yes, when he's 18 and off at college he will do what he wants. But you will know that you taught him the best you could and I'm sure he'll remember that. Heck, for all you know, maybe you were his way out of the situation. LOL Probably not, but who knows. I've told my kids they are welcome to use me as the bad guy to get out of a sticky situation such as this.

For my personal opinion, I agree with you. I would not allow my children to sleep over with the opposite sex.

Congratulations as it sounds like you've done a great job parenting.

peapie

Has anybody else noticed that the stricter and more conservative parent you are, the more people praise you for being a"good mother/father". Hmmmm

Kids can say, "When I'm 18 I'll do what I want," which is exactly why when they are *under* 18 the parents have the responsiblity to help guide and direct their thought processes so that what they *want* to do is something you'll be proud of them for doing.

I don't think giving a seal of approval to activities that put their toe over the line is the best parenting policy. I don't know the values with which you've raised your son, but in our home the mindset is that sex is something married people do. We're not pushy, yelling, hard-nosed, or preachy about it - it's just part of our fiber, and it's become the fiber our kids hold as well. They are very down to earth, grounded, solid kids who aren't perfect, but who have a faith that directs their perspective about those issues.

So in that light, I know that if one of them got the notion that they wanted to hang out in the dorms all night with a boyfriend or girlfriend that we'd be in a position to say, "Hon, I know you don't plan for anything to happen, but it's just not a good idea. I don't want you to be known as the guy who spends the nights in the girls dorms." And while they'd be disappointed, I don't think they'd fight us. I think they might still rationalize in their own minds how we 'just don't get it', but I'd hope that it would set a standard of behavior in their minds that they'd feel a little guilty about violating when they turned 18 and were on their own.

Kids tend to take two or three steps farther than where the parents draw the line in the sand, and the farther away you draw the line, the farther down the road those two or three steps will be. I just don't see a good reason to give them permission to engage in adult behaviors before they are adults.