I'm more of a 'right on time' person than a 'get there early' person, so I'm curious how the earlybirds generally do something...

Does *what* you are attending change how early you feel you need to be?

Is there a difference in attending a purely social gathering vs. a meeting, presentation, etc?

I ask because we have a group from church over every Sunday night. It's a large group - sometimes over 40 people - and we cook for this group, usually a very big and hearty meal. Without fail, one individual gets here very early. Very, very early. One time it was 40 minutes early. Usually it's 15 - 20 minutes early. I'm still heavily in prep mode and would really prefer that nobody show up until the official TIME (6:00). We usually start eating at around 6:15ish. Prior to that people stand around and talk and laugh and generally enjoy each other, and they stay until 7:30.

To me, when you're meeting in someone's home for an informal gathering it's not polite to show up and put the hosts in the position of hosting during the time when they're most likely to be involved in wrapping up last-minute details. I can understand if it's a situation where there are apt to be parking issues, needing to get a seat, or where risking being late could mean walking into a meeting late.

I should probably add that the one who gets here early is a teenager and a relative is dropping her off here. But... the relative that does the driving is going to another similar get-together that is taking place at our church, and that is six blocks from our home. She's not a leader of what happens there in any way - she just gets there and waits in the pew for 20 minutes until things get underway. Most people get there at five 'til.

So.... does it matter to an earlybird *where* they're going or what the nature of the event is?

I'm usually 30 minutes early for most things, I try to break myself of that when takeing the kids to the Dr at the previous state cause he's NEVER ready we are moving back to that state next weekend but we'll befinding a new Dr <though we'll miss all of his nurses they was really great with everyone>

Maybe for the people that arrive early could carry things to the table or something seems they should be useful since they are there and under foot least they could help prepare something hehehe

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for events such as your example, I wouldn't be more than 15 minutes early and I am only *that* early so I can help with the last minute details (which is usually appreciated). I would never "stand around". That said, I think my friends come to count on me being early and having me help out. If it were someone I did not know well, probably 5 min early or wait in the car until others start arriving.

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When it's a family gathering where we're going to eat, I was always taught to be early because it's rude to show up right when the meal is being served. I was taught to arrive early to visit and help out.

Now, if it's anything else, I usually try to be 5-10 minutes early to maybe 5 minutes late..depending on what it is and where it is. I don't like being the 1st one there.

Lisa

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I may be the weird one then - lol!

I've been cooking and cleaning all afternoon and am finally in the home stretch and need to run change out of my flour-coated clothes, brush my hair, etc., and am not where I can be directing a 14 year old girl who is really lacking in the social skills department.

All of the others show up no earlier than about three minutes 'til 6:00. And since we don't eat until 6:15 (some work until 6:00 and can't get here until shortly after, something everyone is aware of, so it's just generally known that we say it starts at 6:00 but there's no eating until 6:15ish)... there just isn't a really great reason to be here early. I appreciate that the others get here at a time that... well... if I wanted people to come at 5:45 I'd say it started at 5:45! lol

Probably a lot of the reason I get antsy about this situation has to do with the fact that the girl has behavior problems (she's on a lot of meds, etc.) and I have to be 'on duty' when she arrives. For instance, last night she asked if she could get a drink of water. I said sure. She got a cup, got a drink, and then put the cup back in the cabinet - unwashed! So... I have to be 'aware' when she's here... and I'm too occupied to do that.

ETA: We're a three-stoplight town, so it's not that anyone is worried about traffic and is trying to play it safe by leaving early...

3 stop light town would change things you didnt mention that before, big diffrence where boroughs overlap here in NJ to a 3 stop light town hehehe

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I get everywhere 15 minutes early. I have no idea why I just do. lol

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If it is something important with a time then I get there early. If I tell you casually "I will be there in about 15 minutes" make it 30.

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I *try* to get someplace a bit early (5-10 minutes maybe, unless we're going to a friend's house and I want to be there early to help out) but dh always foils that plan. I am always waiting for him. He'll come out like he's heading to the car (usually I'm waiting in the car) and then goes back inside, a couple of minutes later out he comes again only to go back inside. Drives me freakin insane. I have learned tho that whatever time we need to be someplace, I tell him that we need to be there half an hour earlier.....but we STILL end up getting there a bit late.

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If it is a meeting, I try to get there about 5-10 minutes early. That way, I have a place to park, sit, etc. If it is a get-together in a persons home, I try to arrive on time. Depending on who it is having the get-together, I might offer to arrive early and help. But then I only go early if they want me to.

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I try to get to doctors' appointments at the exact time, since they are usually running late. Other appointments, I try to get there about 10 minutes ahead of time. For a social gathering, I usually get there 15 -20 minutes "late." That's the norm around here. On the other hand, no one around here would serve a meal 15 minutes after a party started. Typically it would be about an hour after it started.

I would just plunk the teenager in front of the TV, give her a soda, and tell her I'm still getting ready.

Yeah, that makes sense, jujubee2. This is a group of mostly teenagers, and there is a set time limit for this weekly get-together, so we do need to eat early on. Some of them have parents arrive to get them at 7:30 so if we waited too long to eat, they wouldn't get to eat.

Come to think of it, if the relative who drops the girl off 20 minutes early would also be so kind as to arrive 20 minutes early to pick her up, that'd work out okay!

Seriously, though... this is a girl who has been through some very, very, very difficult stuff, and of all the kids that come, she's probably the one who needs a group like this the most. Her family has moved heaven and earth to make her as whole as they can, and I have a tremendous amount of respect for her mom. She has taken on a tremendous amount of responsibility and it's not an easy road for her by any stretch of the imagination. The disorders that effect the girl's ability to connect with others need medicated, and while on meds it's a night and day story. But, the other side of the meds issue is that she is almost too friendly.... follows me all through the house asking the same questions repeatedly, apologizes repeatedly for having asked the same question multiple times, etc. While she is difficult to be around because of these things, in other situatons I have all the patience in the world for her. But when I'm trying to not only get my house, myself, and my food ready for an onslaught of people, I'm also trying to commandeer my own kids, two of whom have places *they* have to go off to and their departure requires some effort on my part. It's just a bad time to have extra *anybody* in my house during 'crunch time'... much less a young girl who requires more attentiveness from me than the average kid.

If her relative didn't feel the need to be places early, thus making her need to drop the child off even *earlier*, it wouldn't happen. If the relative wants to be to her location 20 minutes early, that means she needs to drop the child off even earlier than that. And I don't understand why the relative needs to get there 20 minutes early and sit pretty much all alone until others arrive at 6:55.

Can you tell last night was a long night? lol

Could you have some simple, busy work task for her to do that would keep her busy, but make her feel important? I don't know....like maybe folding napkins? Or if you are using plastic plates--counting plates and silverware?

Heck, could she stuff envelopes (assuming that your organization mails anything out)? Or stick return address labels on envelopes? Do you make goodie bags to hand out at Halloween? Have her help stuff those...
I don't know what she's capable of doing, and doing in a safe and sanitary manner.

I know it's frustrating, but I think that she's really needing the attention (and you seem to know that as well), it's just that her "neediness" is just at a particularly bad time.
My 8 y/o LOVES to "help" me in the kitchen--to the point that he was always in the way. I finally figured out that if I let him do something helpful, and then took the time to cook with him--it was a lot less headache on both of us.

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The only place I consistently arrive early is Church so as to get a seat and to put myself in the proper frame of mind to paticipate in the Mass. If I arrive 5 minutes before a meeting starts, I'm doing pretty well -- I need to work on making it 10 minutes before the meeting starts. Social functions -- usually on time or a few minutes after the appointed start time. My DH would arrive early to everything if I let him.

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"We must love them both--those whose opinions we share and those whose opinions we reject. For both have labored in the search for truth, and both have helped us in the finding of it."
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Maybe this person just really likes to be around you, and wants to share some time with you before everyone else is taking your attention away?

Maybe this person is in need of someone to connect with, or are lonely, and they might feel a connection with you?

I don't know.. I mean I guess we all can make things as complicated as we want to.

I think you are very blessed to have someone, especially a teenager, that wants to be around you this much. IF a teenager didn't like you, it wouldn't matter if the person dropping them off wanted to be early or not, the teenager would NOT be there early! LOL!

Just count your blessings, and be thankful you have not only a house, but a house big enough to entertain that many guests in. On top of that you are blessed to have the food to feed them with. Oh and one more, God has blessed you with these kids to minister to.. I don't believe that everyone is given that kind of responsibility "just because". You must be making a difference in their lives and what you are doing is probably a blessing to more than you know.

You are truly blessed.

I'm 15 minutes early and if your getting ready let me set your table!! Give the young lady an easy job to do while your getting ready.

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One more thing just crossed my mind and I wanted to share. I hope I am not talking out of place..

Don't let Satan get in the way by making this teenager a thorn in your side when they come early. Don't let him take away the blessings that you might possibly be doing for this child.. you have no clue what your influence may be doing.
Satan has a way of putting these kinds of thoughts in our head (I know you know this) in order to get in the way of what good things God has planned, especially when it comes to our youth.

OMGCould your husband be leading a double life?
I think we live with the same man.
Mine takes forever to get ready to leave and then like yours has to go back a couple times just to be sure he has/did everything.

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Oh, I agree with you completely, which is why I haven't said anything to her family. She is the most needy of all of our kids at church, and her needs are based in a very legitimate disorder and not just self-centered whineyness.

That said... in response to your earlier post... her coming early isn't because she is begging to come spend extra time with me. It's because her relative drops her off early. Her relative likes to be where she is going 20 minutes early, which means she needs to get to her destination at 5:40. And she drops the girl off at our house prior to that... which puts the girl here twenty minutes before any other guests. The other guests show up at 5:55ish - 6:10ish, and we eat at 6:15ish. She's here a full 35 - 40 minutes before the last guests arrive.

It sounds so easy to put her to work doing little jobs. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way because of her disorder. When I put her in charge of putting ice in the cups, she needed to know how many cubes. I told her five or six. It then frustrated her when she would come upon a broken cube or one that looked like it might break, leaving the person with five whole cubes and two half cubes. When I told her it didn't matter - just so long as there was enough ice in there to cool the lemonade - she needed to understand how we would know if it was cold enough for the cups that just got five cubes. She just can't do a job without having questions about how to handle every possible little variance she might come up against. Did she want me to set the cups with ice in rows on the counter or just in a bunch? How many cups in each row? How many rows? What if someone accidentally took a cup from the second row and left a hole in the pattern? Should she stand by them while people were taking drinks to be sure everyone took a cup from the front row? The questions are really non-stop about irrelevant details most people would never even consider asking about.

We don't set the table - it's buffet style through my kitchen each week - so there really aren't any jobs I can give her along those lines. She is a very nervous and constant talker and doesn't understand about not interrupting, so as my own two kids that need to get out the door are asking me questions, trying to discuss what they need to do, who'll give them a ride home, if they have packed the right stuff in their sack suppers, etc., she is continually just talking over them asking questions like, "Why do you have two trash cans in your kitchen? Why is the light out in the bathroom? Is there caffeine in the kind of drinks we bought?" There is just no awareness on her part that I'm trying to take care of business - she just talks a long string of questions about nothing, really, just because part of her disorder is a nervous talking.

Anyway... I do totally get what you're saying, and don't take offense at all. I wouldn't subject my house to nearly 40 teenagers each week if I didn't think it was important for them to feel a sense of belonging with a group of friends who'll have their back in the bad times and be by their side in the good ones. It truly *is* a blessing to get to host them, and I almost feel guilty, as though we're hogging them at our house. We have the room to pull it off, which is why we ended up with this privlidge - and I truly do consider it a privlidge. They're just awesome kids. And this particular girl has made so, so much progress since her disorder was identified and she was placed on the proper meds. She had some very unspeakable things happen to her at the hands of a relative when she was an infant and that set off a chain of behavioral problems that both broke everyone's hearts... and made her very difficult to be in the same room with, all at the same time. She still has pretty rough outbursts at home, but her public behaviors are much more tolerable than I ever thought they would be.

So... while it is exhasperating, we work through it because we know her history.

It's the relative that brings her so early that I guess I felt frustration with. It wouldn't ever occur to me to leave my children at someone else's home before the hosts were likely to be ready for company to arrive. For our younger kids programs at church we've always had the policy that kids weren't to be left more than ten minutes before an activity was to begin because the adults would be doing prep work (and were already volunteering to spend an hour and a half teaching the kids... and shouldn't also be expected to do half an hour of babysitting before that! )

I am a true worried wart, so I am always early to everything, howver dh is totally opposite he is always late.... Peace. Catherine

Since there is little you can do to change the fact that she gets there early, pray earnestly for strength. When she asks about how to arrange the cups, ask her what she thinks would work best. Try to help her build self esteem to have the confidence to thing simple matters through. When she tries to out talk others around her, immediately tell her that she needs to not interrupt. You can do that without offense if you do it with kindness and perhaps a gentle hug. I think you have been given a job that is going to take much self sacrifice and unconditional love.
I shudder to think how many times the good Lord has had to be so patient with me when I questioned every little thing because of my fears.
As for the relative, perhaps she needs that twenty minutes alone.
Good luck. Hope you find the answers.

Extreme, the relative that brings her is a single woman who isn't a parent of this child, and that woman has no kids of her own... so she does have a considerable amount of alone time already. That's what seems odd about it to me. The girl says each week, "I'm sorry I'm here really really early again but ____ dropped me off now because she has to get to church and she doesn't want to be late because she really likes to be early."

But yes, I agree with you - if she is going to be here early, that's exactly the kind of attention she needs. I have worked with her in other settings for many years and know that she started out with more strikes against her that really explain her behavior and necessitate special care when you interact with her. I'm really not at all averse to working with her ... it's just the relative's timing that is putting a difficult kink in what is literally the most hectic half hour of our family's week... all so the relative can go sit alone in silence for 20 minutes! lol

Wowitsdark - You are very articulate and straightforward. Why not just explain your situation to the woman who drops her off? It seems like any reasonable person would understand that the last 15 minutes of preparation before the guests arrive is a busy time and could she please drop the child off a little bit later? Perhaps look into getting the other event's start time delayed or the organizer of that event let the woman know that it's OK if she's 5 minutes late.

cj/

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It is important to be minimally, on time, and for me, early.

I was always at my doctor appointments at least 15 minutes early and would sit there 30 - 45 or more minutes beyond the appointmentime. I finally asked, why when it was the 1st or 2nd appointment of the day were they already behind?

I found out the answer was to tell people an lier time than they were actually scheduled so that those who were constantly late would maybe be on time. Ok, another example of inconvenience the ones following the rules and bending for the ones not following the rules.

So now I arrive at the exact time they tell me for the appointment. I still sit, but not as long. All people have to do is be considerate and be on time.

dl

I, myself, like to just be punctual for people's home events. I think that comes from being an at-home piano teacher. I don't like my students to show up more than 5 minutes early - it is distracting to whatever student is finishing up their lesson. And I don't like the 1st one to be early, either. When they do show up early, I suggest that they go "warm up" on the piano, and I don't enter that room until the lesson is starting. It's tricky, because my kids really count on having me around until 4:00 - the real start to lesson time!

I DO like to be early for events that take place anywhere else (non-residence events). But in someone's home? Never early. Just on time.

I think that the fact that you, yourself are hosting such a group on a weekly basis (complete with DINNER) makes you a saint, already! You don't have to demonstrate abounding patience for the 45 minutes leading up to your weekly hosting duties, IMHO. You are doing a great thing, and it would stink if something like this ended up burning you out before your time. And I know what a stressful time it is doing the last minute preparations - that is taxing enough without someone underfoot who is trying your patience. She probably would even feel more "well-received" if she arrived at the appropriate time. It would be a win-win, I imagine.

Wowitsdark, is there any way you might be able to "facilitate" another drop off arrangement? There must be another parent (chauffeur) out there who is driving "remotely close by" the girl who needs a ride.

I would explore this option.

If it turns out that that's not actually an option, though, I'd probably suggest in an innocent way to the person who is transporting her something like, "I have been trying to brainstorm and come up with another way "Liza" could get here on time without having to be too early. I always feel bad when we are running crazy all around her, that we can't really accommodate her until closer to 6:00. I wish there was another option available - you've been so good to take this on, but I can see that your time frame isn't the ideal match for hers." Maybe she'll realize that a better compromise might be reached.

Good luck!

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LOL, Devinmom... you took the words right out of my brain! While I disagree that I'm a saint, I do sort of feel like I'm getting my service card punched by doing this every week. I *love* doing it and will be sad next year if it turns out that someone else is in a position to host them and wants to do it. It's really a work of love and I enjoy making great big hearty meals (there are two other familes who also help with food - we rotate which family is primarily in charge, but regardless, each week we do the pop/lemonade/tea/coffee/cups/ice.... and real plates, 'cause I think the are much 'warmer' than styrofoam! .... and that means we do dishes every week even if we weren't the main food people!). We cook big, real food - this week it was enchaladas, Mexican rice, salad, and sopapillas - and do everything we can to make it a warm, inviting, and fulfilling evening of togetherness for them.

But... I'd be lying if I said it didn't take a lot of physical and mental work to make it all come together, and I wish they'd recognize that it's just not polite to obligate someone who is already probably in her own personal 'rush hour' to one additional distraction... and a big one at that... in the name of being the first one there.

It's going to sound like I'm being contrary her and saying nobody's idea will possibly work - lol - but actually no, there isn't anyone else who can bring her. This *is* a three stoplight town, but I should've also explained that this girl doesn't live here in our town. She lives in a little town that is, I believe, 16 miles away. It's just straight up the highway in the midst of fields and cattle... no turns, one stoplight for them to go through, and practically a straight shot into town. They probably make three turns to get to my house... and this isn't severe weather season, so it's not as though they are leaving early to account for a snowstorm. 16 miles @ 65mph means it's about a 15 minute trip, and I think they must leave at 5:15 to get here. There are no hills, no curves... nothing but a straight shot highway! lol And the girl specifically said that the relative that brings her does so because *she* wants to be at *her* destination early... so the trip isn't the factor.

I may just need to say something to her. I did tell the girl this past week, when she asked, "Am I early again?", "Yes, honey, actually you are. The other kids probably won't be here for another twenty minutes. I'm still finishing up some things so if it seems I'm ignoring you it's just that there are several things I still have to do to get ready." She apologized as usual, said she was going to try to make her relative bring her later next time, etc

I really *can* understand getting to class early in order to get a seat and not be disruptive by coming in late. I *can* understand getting to an appointment at such a time as to ensure not being the one to put the doctor behind schedule. I *can* understand going to the stadium early to find a decent parking spot and find your seats so you won't have to climb over the rest of the fans in your row to get to them. But for the life of me, when it's a gathering in someone's *home* and they're going to be in the role of hostess, I just don't see a good reason to make them have to flip their *on* switch ahead of the party's start time. Especially if what happens at 'start time' is simply standing around and talking to the other people. If it was a Pampered Chef party or something, yeah... you'd want to be there so the presentation could start on time. But when what's going to happen is just *visiting*, I don't see a reason to make the hostess put on her hostess hat for that to happen at 5:50 rather than 6:00. What's going to happen in those ten minutes... or in my case, twenty... or thirty... or that one time, forty!? lol

This relative just drops her off and leaves and I never see her and don't really know her. And this past week, the girl asked to use my phone at 7:30 when it was over, and I said she could... and she called the relative on her cell phone. The relative was just sitting at church - things got over at 7:15 there and some of them were standing around visiting. The girl came in to where I was, hung up my phone, and said, "I just called to _____ to tell her it's time to come get me, and she's still at the church and said she was talking to somebody. I told her it was okay - that I would just ask you to take me up there to her. So can you take me?" Mind you.... I still had about 20 guests in my house and couldn't even back my car out of the driveway at that point.

I guess they really just don't have a concept what it's like to be in the shoes of the one in the hostess role, with duties and obligations that must be tended to *right then*. <sigh> So... as much as I hate feeling like I'm confronting someone or calling them out on bad bevavior, I will probably just have to pull out of my shell and find a way to let them know that it would be very helpful to me if they'd come a bit later.