I really need some advice on a family situation. I am 37 years old and I have a sister who is 25. When we were kids, my Mother was a single parent, needless to say she struggled very much. When I got married, she was able to get a better job and my sister was basically spoiled. My sister now has 3 children and has the luxury of not having to work. She was on the phone with my mom last week, and took something out of context that my Mom said and hung up on her. My mom has tried to call her back, left her messages etc and my sister will not call her back. Needless to say , it is really making me mad to see her treat my mom that way. My mom has done everything she could to help her financially when she was going through her divorce, helps with her kids etc. What I really want to do is call and tell her off, but I don't want to make it worse on my Mom. My Mom doesn't deserve this and she is extremely upset because she can't even see or talk to her grandkids. This is not the first time she has done this to her either. I am thinking of emailing her , but I am not too sure if I should tell her what I think or not. Any advice would be great. Thanks everyone for your help.[/size]

OH wow,,

Was I in your situation. I opened up my mouth and said how I felt and I ended up looking (and feeling) like the bad guy and the damage that was done between my sisters and I.. well, althought not all my fault. I guess if I had not said a word and let them continue on bashing my mom, it all would have been blown over and none the worse. But I didn't do that, I told them how I felt about it (and you know, I don't regret it, really, I mean, I would probably regret more if I hadn't of stood up for my mother).

This is a hard one. If you are very close to your sister, I would say go ahead. But if you are not very close to her, I would say to really think carefully on this one.
It may draw a wedge bigger than can be taken away..

Ask your mom her advice on this....let her know you want to support her and back her up and see how she feels. Your sister will blame your mom in the end, so let it be her (your Mom's) decision

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I don't think its going to accomplish anything telling your sister off.All that will do is stir up more negative feelings. I would just let time heal the wounds.Your sister is upset right now over something your mom said. She just needs time to cool off.
I feel that just because your mom has financially spoiled your sister doesn't mean that your sister is not allowed to have feelings.Obviously her feelings have been hurt and mostly likely because she is stressed out right now.
She needs time to herself.I'm sure your mom misses the grandkids but it if she loves her daughter than I feel she should understand and give your sister the space she needs right now.Give her daughter some time ,and maybe a few months from now she could call her and see how she is doing.Your sister just needs some space right now.

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I guess I'd be inclined to approach it from the peacemaker angle.....tell her how it hurts you and everyone to see the family divided and ask if there's anything you can do to help bring them back together. I'd bow out if it gets hostile or a blame game.....

cj/

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Dang, divorced mother of three kids and she has the luxury of not working? Can I sign up for that gig?

I actually think it's probably best for you to MYOB in this case. I have a brother who's not too dissimilar to your sister and the best thing is for my mother, IMO, to learn the hard way what he is. Seriously a grown woman hanging up on her mother and refusing to try to resolve the situation? That's exactly as you said, seriously spoiled brattiness. Stay out of it or somehow it will end up being you that gets the short end of the stick.

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That sounds like my half sister. She treats her mom like sh*t and her mom keeps coming back for more. I personally would stay out of it. I'm sure they will make up...as I'm sure your sister will need your mom again for something.

Personally I would stay out of it unless you know how to handle your sister. Calling her up and accusing her of being ugly to the mom that spoiled her is probably not going to go over very well. If you usually talk to her and you can casually bring it up that is something different. My guess is she will get over her tizzy and call her on her own when she needs something.

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I would stay out of it! Last year my soon to be BIL did something that I thought was *cheating*. I thought my SIL should know about it (because I would want to know if it was my fiance doing those things). So, I told her. I also mentioned my feelings about what he did. I should have kept my mouth shut! My in-laws and SIL are still mad at me...lots of tension in the air over it. I was accused of trying to ruin their wedding,etc when my real intent was just to say "hey, is this ok with you because he's doing it and I would want to know if I were in your shoes". They took it all out of context and our relationship will never be the same sadly. Sounds like your sister would be one of those people who would take your *concern* as a slap in her face and that you are "siding with mom". She may black list you as well. From experience, let them work it out unless you want to be put in the middle and blamed for whatever happens

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I agree that it's best to stay out of it. While it is absolutely wonderful that your mom has done all that she has financially for your sister through the years, my guess is that it has created some unhealthy issues between the two of them that your mom may be partly to blame for. You mentioned that your mom 'spoiled' her... so even if your mom's intentions were good, she's living with the adult she 'created'... a spoiled one! You can't spoil someone and then be surprised that they behave in the very way you raised them to.

Also, you mentioned your sister living in 'luxury' because she doesn't work... but we don't know the details of her divorce. Did she just wake up and decide she didn't like him one day and then take him to the cleaners and live like Paris Hilton, or did she work a menial job for ten years to put him through med school, at which point he hooked up with a nurse and left her with three small children in diapers with no means of obvious support?

Your mom's financial help doesn't mean that your sister is forever obligated to live her life exactly the way her mom would want her to. For some, financial help is actually a way to control someone, even sometimes with very good intentions... and your sister may be resentful that she feels like she has lived her own life trying to please mom because of a fear that without her mom's help she couldn't make it. This may actually be very healthy in the long run if your sister has a history of going along with your mom just because your mom gives her 'stuff'... and if it helps your mom see that giving her money won't buy her love, that's all good, too.

The only reason that she doesn't work right now is because her "boyfriend" doesn't make her. The youngest child she has is his, not from her previous marriage. And I know for a fact she doesn't love him. She is just basically using him, told to my by her herself. Nice huh.

Your sis sounds like a mess but still I would stay out of it and let sis and mom work it out....don't see how it would help for you to get involved. She isn't going to listen to you and it might make things worse between her and your mom if you 'tell her off'.

I can understand that you might be resentful that she's doing well but your sister's finances have nothing to do with anything. Whether she toils noon and night or lazes around watching the tube has nothing to do with whether she is right to feel offended over your mother's words. The argument is between two adults and your input is likely to make the problem bigger and could well backfire on you when the two of them make up. If your sister really is an ingrate, then let your mother deal with the brat she raised and stay out of it. I think you'd be wise to let your sister and mother work out their differences alone and mind your own business.