My husband of 18 1/2 years asked for a divorce last night. The main reason he says is because I am bipolar and won't stay on my meds. The meds are so expensive and we have so many other bills. In the last 1 1/2 months I have started back on meds and got on a program that will pay for the meds. I have gotten a job, I have never had a job outside of the house in my life. I have started therapy to help me deal with my bipolar and other issues. I have made a complete 180 in the last 1 1/2 months. I know it's been hard on him, hell it's been hard on both of us. I have asked for help with recognizing when I having problems from all of my family. I have come so far.

I swear I think he has lost his f'in mind! He will not even let me try to fix things. I asked him to just ride it out for 6 months to see that I won't come off my meds anymore. Even so far as to separate for 6 months. To just give me time to prove myself to him. I know in my heart that this time is different. He just won't let me show him.

He says he is filing for divorce. I will not sign anything for 6 months. If he still feels the same way on May 1st then I will sign them. Not a moment before then! I feel as though he at least owes our 18 1/2 year marriage that much.

I swear I wish I didn't love him so damn much. It would make it so much easier. But I do love him with all my heart. I'm just feeling really sad and alone tonight....

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I'm so sorry. Do you have a close friend you can talk to? Hugs to you -

OK....let me try and explain this from another side:

For most of our marriage, DH was abusive--both verbally and physically. He lied and he cheated. Within the last 3 years, DH was diagnosed w/ bi-polar. And he's medicated. He's extremely remorseful for what he's done, and what he put me through. He wants to, and trying to make up for 13 years of pure hell. I know he loves me and would do anything to "fix" our marriage. But you know what? It's too little too late. I stood by him, I begged him to get help for many years, I walked on eggshells to keep from upsetting him for 13 years.
He promises me he'll never go off his meds. He promises he'll never lie or cheat again. He promises. Unfortunately? He's made so many promises that he broke. I have forgiven him. However, I still can't trust him. I can't depend on him? I can't let my guard down. I *wish* he'd give me a divorce. He's not willing to "give up". I love him--but I don't want to be married to him.

Do yourself a huge favor and try to see his side. He's tired. How many things has he had to fix because of your illnessand/or behaviour? Who has he had to apologize to for you? 18.5 years is a long time to try and hold it together--he's tired. At the very least grant him an order of seperation. It will give you some time to consider all the issues, and it will give you some space.

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

oMG Sweetie I am sooooo sad to hear all of this and my heart goes out to you so very much. I have always believed in the vows of marriage to be there for each other thru sickness and health. Marriage to me is not always perfect, however I firmly believe if you truly truly love each other , you can ride out any storm, except to me personally cheating as much I dearly love my dh we both know we could never forgive each other. But we are not talking about cheating , the subject is your suffering from a illiness. LIsten Hon when I married my dh Tommy he already knew I had and always suffered from panic and anxiety attacks and have been on meds on and off since i was 21. For me personally and I am very thankful, cause at times it was hard for us, however he never refused to give up on me, ALso if for some reason god forbid my dh got sick or had the same condition I would be there for him 100 percent. I like all you wrote about getting help and how you have been feeling better. I am sorry this has happened to you but I feel you should be there for you and perhaps give it some time to rethink everything. Perhaps a small separation would help you both. Finally dear please keep us posted and my prayers for you ... Peace. CAtherine

Just praying for you, MyTime. I have no experience with such a tough situation. There are a lot of people rooting for you right here, though!

And I have to say - it must be HUGE for you to be stepping outside of your "comfort zone" to start a job outside the home! I can't imagine how scary that must be, but how liberating, too. I hope it helps to empower you through whatever you're to go through in the months ahead. Keep us posted, please. Be strong!


Marilynk, your perspective is probably very appreciated right now. It was a real kindness for you to put your own painful situation out there for OP, FWIW. You're in my prayers, as well.

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"The errors of faith are better than the best thoughts of unbelief." - Thomas Russell

I am sorry this happened to you. I will be praying that some enlightenment comes to you via this situation and that you gain strength.

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I am truly sorry for what you are going through right now. Please don't take this the wrong way. I had a friend who was bipolar, and we actually got pretty close. The more I was involved, the harder it got. She was one of the kindest, nicest ppl I had ever met, but she had so many issues (and they were so genuine), that I felt myself giving and caring to the point where it was almost affecting my mental health. Unfortunately, I had to end the friendship in one of her biggest times of need. I felt horrible, but it just came to that point where I could not "Do it" anymore. It sounds like your DH thinks that you have it together now, and it's a "safe" time for him to leave. However, shame on him, 18 years is a long time. It's not just fair for him to walk away in such short notice.

This is a horribly unperdictable disease that can strike at a minutes notice and it is not your fault. That being said it is your responsibility to take and stay on the meds.I am glad that you have found a way to always get your meds and that you will see quite a differencein your life.
I don't feel as if your husband has abandoned you or doesn't love you,he had waitied until your feet are firmly planted in the right direction. It is up to you to grab this opportunity and run with it.
You go girl. You may have many new opportunities facing you and it is up to you to make the most of it.
It is a very wise decision not to sign any papers for six months.
Our prayers of strength are with you.

I have no experience and no advice, mytime, but just wanted to let you know that I believe in you and will pray for you and your family situation. Keep your chin up and try to focus on the progress you have made and the positive things in your life.

Warmest Regards,
cj/

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I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. -Emo Phillips

LinnyBop--been there, done that, too. It's tough, but there comes a point where you have to start taking care of yourself. Now, I'm going to be the bad guy...do you think he's in another relationship or has found someone who is making this step/transition easier for him. I was the one that left my husband after 23 years of marriage. I really loved him but I could not take anymore of the gambling, physical abuse, drinking, and his severe depression. There was someone in the wings (just a catalyst) that made the move easier for me; someone that gave me attention and made me feel worthwhile. I never cheated on my husband physically, but I know I did emotionally--that's what I needed the most. I can imagine what you are going through; I remember my ex being devastated. I had just asked that we separate for a while in an effort for him to get medical help. Instead, he quit his job, attempted to kill himself, etc...and ended up being hospitalized for a while. I felt horrible about all of it. But, it came to a point in my life where I had to take care of me; my self-worth had been destroyed and I needed to get it back. I would see if he would be willingly to go to a marriage counselor with you. Larry would never go with me; instead I went alone and worked at fixing Marilou. Good luck to you...I am so sorry that this is happening. You are in my prayers; it's not easy on either side.

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If you're not living on the edge, you're wasting space.

I am sorry to learn of your sad news. On the bright side, you are looking after yourself, establishing your independence and improving your health and outlook. You need to love yourself! Talk to trusted friends and family. If no one is available, try a counselor. I wish you luck with your journey to independence, and hope for only the best for you!

If you begin to see symptoms of your illness surfacing I suggest you contact your provider immediately, since the meds usually need tweeking after a period of time.

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We're off to never never land

MyTime, do not sell yourself short! You probably do love him but obviously he can't stay in this marriage anymore. If he wants the divorce, don't hold it off for 6 months and torture dh, yourself and your entire family. If the meds help and you stay on them and prove to him that things are different, maybe he'll return to you....if not, it's simply time to let go and move on for both of you.
I've been divorced for a year now, separated for almost 2 and this was after a 20 year marriage. My situation was different from yours but yet a divorce after many years of marriage is still difficult, at best. The beginning is the hardest but it does get better. I've never been happier in my life as I am now, as odd as it sounds and I truly NEVER thought I would feel that way. I got married very young and never really discovered myself, who I am, what I like. I had lived for my marriage for most of the duration of the marriage and then I lived for my kids(and I still do but as a much better person). I have discovered so much about myself, what I like or don't like. I've found confidence and realize that I'm much stronger than I ever knew.
I totally know how hard it is to just let go(even though I am the one who filed for divorce, it was still VERY hard). Just know that your life can and will go on even if you divorce your husband. Holding on, when he wants out of the marriage, may do more damage to you mentally and emotionally, than just letting go peacefully.
Many hugs and good thoughts go out to you right now. I know it's hard. You will probably cry a lot, get angry often, feel lonely, sad and confused. But you will make it through this and in the end you will find happiness. You will not depend on someone to make you happy!
PM me if you need to talk. I'd say email me but my computer is messed up and I only have access to email through the week. But you are still more than welcome to send me an email at tag1114 at yahoo dot com.

Just want to say that I wish you well and I'm sorry this is happening to you and your family. I hope things work out for the best.

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Cecilia

"We must love them both--those whose opinions we share and those whose opinions we reject. For both have labored in the search for truth, and both have helped us in the finding of it."
Saint Thomas Aquinas

hugs to you Mytime. I hope things work out for the best for you.

take care

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Oh my.....I am so sorry. Add me to the list of people praying for you. Bless your heart.

MyTime, I'm very sorry to hear about what you and your DH are going through. I can imagine what a painful struggle it must be for you both. I really wish I had some pearls of wisdom for you, but all I can offer are my heartfelt prayers and best wishes. Try to be strong in spirit and in your faith until the storm passes. (((hugs)))

.

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~~~MsMiser

My thoughts and prayers are with you. Try to keep on telling yourself that something good will come of this... this too will pass. I know that it sounds glib and unfeeling but I do believe that we are never given more than we can handle and times like this are the times in life when we learn the most about ourselves. Stay strong!

Thanks everyone. I haven't spoken to him since Thursday when he asked for the divorce. I'm am just so heartbroken. I know that I have done this to myself but it still hurts like hell. I hate being bipolar, not just for this now but for what it has done to my mind. I wish there was an easy cure to make it just go away but theres not.

Everyone please keep the prayers coming they have got to be what has gotten me this far without falling apart.

Laura

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I am sorry to hear about you and your dh, sending thoughts and prayers.

Oh My God, Laura! This is horrible.

Whatever happened to "In sickness and in Health"???

Oh dear, I wish I had some advice to give you. I just don't know what to say. I am just so incredibly sad for you, and the very least I can offer is a virtual hug ((((((HUG))))))) and let you know that you are not alone.

I think there is a lot for you to reflect on and perhaps, consider moving on. It's very difficult to offer any advice with typed words, from reading typed words. There has to be so much more that you can't begin to tell.

Prepare yourself for the worst and act accordingly. No one here can solve this for you, it has to be worked out between the two of you. The only person looking out for you, is you. I wish the best in how this turns out - with him, or without him. Work diligently for yourself.

dl

I'll keep you both in my prayers. I wish there was more I could do for you.
Keep praying yourself for the strength to get through this awful time.
Judy

You know what? Is your spouse bi-polar? Does your spouse suffer from any mental illness? Have you EVER sat up, crying in the middle of the night because you didn't want your children to see you or see what their father had done to you? Have you ever had to lie to your own mother and make up stories to cover up your spouse's erratic behaviour? Have you ever thought you were the crazy one? And had your spouse agree with you? Have you ever thought that it would just be easier to kill yourself, than walk on eggshells one more time?

You walk a mile in the shoes of someone who's lived in abusive home or a home where one partner is mentally ill and won't stay on their meds---then we'll discuss "in sickness and health".

At some point you have to worry about YOU. You have to be the person you are capable of being--regardless of your "sick" spouse. Sickness and Health swings both way.....

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

Agreed. Even us Catholics have the option of an annulment in some cases...there are always exceptions. Nobody can be expected to stay in an unhealthy or dangerous situation.

peapie

I'm so sorry. I am really glad to hear you are complying with your meds and working so hard to create a brighter future for yourself. Please do whatever you can to surround yourself with support to continue forward regardless of what your d/h does or does not do.

I feel for both of you.

Wow, Marilyn. Been there, done that. You said it beautifully.

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Don't be so quick to judge that I haven't. That is quite presumptuous of you.

But I also believe that there are some things that are out of our control. Mental illness is NO different than Diabetes, heart disease, paralysis or the like. Would you want your husband (or wife for that matter) to leave you just because you no longer had all of the faculties that you married them with?

If you are saying that mental illness is the exception, then you are saying mental illness is not a disease that impairs ones ability to function as a "normal" person. You are saying it is a choice then, rather than something one can not control.

I think that any person who opts out because of a mental illness is a coward and is not strong enough to respect the bonds of matrimony.

NOW, there ARE exceptions! I would never EVER advocate for anyone to stay in a physically abusive situation, for any reason.

In Laura's case, she said they could not afford the meds. Now where was her husband making SURE she took her meds? Or Could afford them??? Why would he refuse to go to counseling with her? That is no different than him refusing to take her to the hospital when she is critically ill, or take her in for her treatments if she had cancer. Wouldn't you do everything in your power to help your spouse battle a disease?

This wasn't just Laura's battle, it was her husband's as well, when he chose to marry her. PERIOD.
As far as I am concerned, he is taking the easy way out.. it's getting a little bumpy on the road of life, so he's letting go of the wheel and jumping out of the car, leaving her to fend for herself. Sweeet.. He is showing very little character. (Sorry Laura to talk about this in this way, since I am only making assumptions here, but I don't think I am far off base).

Also, I want to add, that at least Laura and her husband have a diagnosis that they can battle with. There are so many marriages that just end in divorce because it is not known that there is an illness. They are far ahead of the game, as far as I am concerned. Her husband leaving just shows that he is not in it for the long haul and "in sickness and in health" means nothing to him.

Ohhgodd you are so wrong in your assumptions. Walk a mile in someones shoes before you can give advice on something as serious as metal illness and living with it, tolerating it.
You and or your husband have been married before, where was the PERIOD there? You married a man that was married before , where were your convictions then, when you knew that marriage was forever PERIOD, that you under your guidelines dated and married someone elses husband?
Maybe I have the stories jumbled up and if I do I apologise but there are as many reasons for divorce as there are divorces.
Mental illness doesn't just "run" in some families it "gallops" and if you think you can handle that more power to you but don't judge everyone by your standards. jmho

1) I didn't judge way. I asked had you done any of those things--what is your experience in living w/ a bi-polar spouse?
2) while mental illness is a disease that one doesn't have any control of whether you "contract" it or not....it can be controlled. Just like diabetes and heart disease.
3) You know what? I think he's struggled for 18.5 years trying to keep it together. He didn't leave her when she was in a crisis. He waited until she was capable, and had the tools in place to handle this. I applaud him for trying for so long.

I didn't judge you before, but I am now--I seriously doubt that you have any experience w/ a spouse who's bi-polar.

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

I may be offbase here, but I think it would be a good idea to be supportive of Laura here and take the detail-level bickering elsewhere.

Just my opinion.

cj/

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I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. -Emo Phillips

Thanks cjs!!

MyTime, my thoughts and prayers are with you

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Brenda

GO #24 JEFF GORDON

And supporting her does not mean laying the blame on the husband for wanting out, or making him the "bad" guy.

Since I'm living this from the other side--I have all the empathy in the world. I saw the look in my husband's eyes when I told him I wanted a divorce. I love him, I truly do. I'm sure her DH loves her. But from the other side, you get tired--exhausted even of being the one to hold it all together. I highly recommend a trial seperation.

It gives both sides a chance to gather their thoughts. It gives each side a chance to breath. It gives both sides a chance to have some time. It may even prove to be the time that both parties realize they do love each other and want to be with each other. It gives the "sick" person an opportunity to prove that they are dedicated to taking care of themselves. It gives the other person an opportunity to see their spouse in a new and probably different light.

I'm sure he has some issues--resentment, anger, hurt that he needs to deal with. So, during the trial seperation he probably needs some counseling. Then when each has "fixed" their personal problems, they can work on their couple problem. The analogy I use is--you can work on an engine of a car, but if the tires are flat, it doesn't really matter. You aren't going anywhere until you fix each tire.

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

I can totally see why people stop posting on this board.. Someone is looking for support and it turns into a big pissing contest...

Laura,
I am so sorry you are going through this. If you need a friend to lean on the feel free to PM me.

I think it's a personal decision that MyTime and her DH have to make. I think we all took vows that said "in sickness and in health" and maybe they meant different things to different people.

I agree with "walk a mile in her shoes".

MyTime, I hope you are keeping up with your meds. I know bi-polar is not something easy to live with, for the person who has it, or those that love them.

Take care of yourself.

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Doing the right thing isn't always the same as doing the easy thing.

It's a tough situation for all involved. Your DH may just need a breather. I'd give him one and concentrate on improving my mental health. He could change his mind about divorcing you if sees that you are taking your meds and notices the difference in your behavour. He probably needs to believe that you will be pro-active in managing your illness and that his life will get better when you do. If you can prove to him that you're serious about taking care of yourself, it could give him the strength to hang in there.

opaldancing is right. When I asked my ex for a separation, I needed a major breather, and I also was hoping it would be the push he needed to get help. Focus on taking care of you now, and let him see your progress. If he chooses to stay or not, it still will be a win-win situtation for you because you'll be in better health and ready to take on the world. Good luck to you.

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If you're not living on the edge, you're wasting space.

Ohhgodd I simply loved your post, I loved everything you wrote. To the op I am still here and saying a prayer for you as I totally understand your feelings, while my mental issues are of panic attacks and anxiety have had them all my life, they are real . Your's is different but treatable. like I said before while I do not accept any forms of abuse, you marry someone for sickness and in good health. I thank God every day for my wonderful so caring and loving soulmate Tommy. We have been together since we were 15 and 16. And now we are 45 and 46 omg sounds old. Anyway things were sometimes tough for me especially since we had 2 children whom were born with many heart defects. And most recently my ds Thomas who is almost 20 was diagnosed with celiac disease has ibs and was also born with being lactose intolorent all my kids are. So when my kids are sick my stress levels really hit high. HOn my advice for you is to keep up with doctors appointments take your meds and if he wants out, then hon there is someone special out there for you just waiting. I am sorry if some posters on the board did not offer more sensitive advice.. Peace and many healthy wishes.... Catherine

MyTime, I'm sorry you are going through this.

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Real eyes...realize...real lies.

Well I got the divorce papers today from his lawyer. This has been one tough day to get through...

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Mytime I am soooooo sad to hear you got the divorce papers today. My heart goes out to you literally because I know from experience what it is like to suffer from mental issues or mental health problems. Hon do you have family members around or friends that can be there for you for support. HOn do not sell yourself short, your too important. Take some time to reflect and then continue with getting yourselg better each day and I sincerely hope there will be a special person who will be there for you in the future.. Please please keep us posted we sincerely care ... Hugs and peace... Catherine

I am sorry you are having to go through this, but don't let this take you from the path to healing you have committed to. It sounds to me as if his mind is firm and made up. Accept that and work on getting yourself well. Your future is in your hands. Who knows, it may or may not include him down that road, but you will have grown stronger in either case.

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"Yesterday is but a vision, and tomorrow is only a dream. But today well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness, and every tomorrow a dream of hope." Anonymous

"Your candle does not lose it's light by lighting another candle" Generosity

Have the courage to be yourself.

Laura,

I am so sorry.

A big hug for you.

Hugs to you. I know what a difficult time this must be.

Let me add my hug, too. I'm sorry that you have to go through this.

cj/

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I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. -Emo Phillips

I am so sorry {{{HUGS}}}

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Brenda

GO #24 JEFF GORDON

I am so sorry MyTime. I just want to say, you will be ok! You might even come away better for it!! I know you don't believe that now.
Me and My SO split last year, and I was so lost.. now a year later I wouldn't have him back for all the money in the world! I am happier and more self confident I have been in 17 years!

*big hugs*

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'Vegetarian' is an old Native American word for bad hunter.

susiecat, I am happy to hear you are doing well and enjoying life. While I do believe going through a divorce is never ever easy for anyone and while its all new and very emotional, I sincerely hope best wishes for the op that is due time she will see, it was the right thing to do even though the divorce was not her choice. I sincerely hope the best for her and the facts of life is that sometimes its better to be apart and be happy, then together and unhappy. Again its nice to read that you have gone on with you life and can come here and say that... Peace ... Catherine

Laura, I have been following your story for the past few days and I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry that you have to go through this. Maybe you could find something fun to do to take your mind off of it. Hugs.

Rebecca

I'm so sorry. (((hugs))) Keep your faith and be strong.

.

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~~~MsMiser

Sending positive thoughts for you. This is a lot to deal with, so please take care of yourself.

just wondering how you are doing? Please keep us posted-here's another {hug}. Lynne

So it sounds like he had the whole thing planned (had visited with an attorney and already got the ball rolling before even saying anything to you) and just informed you on Friday so you would not be shocked when you were served the paperwork this week?

Are you sure he is not seeing someone else? This just seems as though things are happening too fast.

You don't have to sign the paperwork until YOU are ready, if at all.

I am sorry you have to go through this!

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Take your time, MyTime.

Just because this feels like it's suddenly moving along quickly, nobody can rush you. They don't really have that control. Don't get caught up in the whirlwind of it all.

Put yourself first, and your needs first. It's your time, Mytime!

Keep taking care of yourself. It's the best thing you can do, and right now, it's what you DO have control of!

Keep your head up! You deserve to have a better life, however this is going to play out - and it seems like you're taking steps to improve yours. Don't let this get you off track. We're rooting for you, Mytime!!

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"The errors of faith are better than the best thoughts of unbelief." - Thomas Russell

I am doing really well most days, mentally anyways. The day i got the papers wasn't a good day needless to say. I honest to god feel better, even through all this, than I have in years. I've made a several friends at my new job, it is great to talk with my peers about these things. I mean there is only so much you can say to family. KWIM I'm still taking all my meds plus I go talk with a psychiarist (?) & a psychologist the 18th. I have a lot of issues from growing up I have to deal with eventually.

Penny - No I'm not sure there's not someone else. He's still claiming there's not but I have my own thoughts on that. IMO, he wouldn't be in this big of a hurry otherwise.

For the first time in my life I know without a doubt I will be fine. I have no doubts about that. I want to thank you all for the thoughts and prayers I know they are helping me get through this rough time just a little easier.

Laura

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Laura, sorry to hear about your situation. Glad that you are doing okay.

Yes, you will be fine. Regardless of how this plays out.
Get a lawyer. If he's already filed, I'm assuming he's got one--and you need to protect your interest. Some states that are "no-fault" and divorces can be final in 30-90 days depending on specific state's laws.

I know that I may have come across as defending your DH and that was not my intent. But, being in a very similar position as your H I can tell you this; chances are he's done, he's finished and he wants out--be it for someone else or just for himself. If you try to hang on to him it will only make an already difficult situation, even worse. If you try to bargain with him "I'll do xxxxx, if you'll just give me one more chance/more time" will only (in the long run) make you angry at yourself.
You may want to, through your legal counsel, suggest a "cooling off period" trial seperation so that you and he can make important decisions and explore some "alone" time.

It sounds like you have a support network in place and have friends/family and mental health professionals you can turn to. You will be fine! You may hurt for a while--in fact it may take a long while to get over it--but you will do just fine.

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

I do have an attorney. Things are moving along. I've not asked him to come back anymore. At this point I think the best thing is for us to be apart. It hurts like hell but it's for the best.

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Just letting you know I'm thinking of you. I've been in the difficult, hurt like hell time period and know just what you're going through. Divorce is divorce, whether each of us has the same reasons or not. And yes it still hurts. But more importantly, like you said before YOU WILL BE FINE! And you've already found your strength....go back and read your initial post and then your post today...STRENGTH....power.....you're already finding it!! Keep talking to your friends and family, if you can, accept their help, their support and truly lean on them, it too will help you get through these difficult days.
HUGS sent your way again today!!

I have not posted on this board in YEARS because I got sick and tired of hateful rude people - but this thread is the first that has made me really want to reply....

....I have been in your husbands shoes - pretty much my entire life. My father was bi-polar and abusive. I spend my entire childhood terrified of him and wishing that my mother would leave him. I am against divorce - but I believe my mother should have left him. But she stuck with him - for better or worse - and now after over 40 years of marriage my dad has gotten the help he needed and is a better person to live with and while he and my mother are closer than ever - they are living with the reprocussions of his actions - losing a house, tension between kids, no type of money for thier future and on and on. Then, like I swore I would never do I married a man pretty much just like my father. We have been married for 10 years and have 3 kids. The majority of our marriage has been horrible. I almost left him a hundrend times. Even with our children being young I am sure they have emotional scars that will last. What kept me there - I love my husband - I married him for better or worse - and believe me I know all about the worse. I knew I wouldn't leave him if he had cancer so why would I leave him for a mental illness? But I know what it is like to never know who my DH was going to be the next day - next hour. I know what it is like to give a million second chances and things go back to being worse than before. I know what it is like to be called horrid names, controled, mistreated, belittled, stalked and on and on. I could never let my kids walk into the house before me for fear that they would find him dead. With all the love in the world for him - I would go to sleep wishing he would die in the night or know how relieved I would feel if he killed himself. I was torn between what my kids needed and my belief against divorce. I wiped away too many tears trying to explain to my kids why Daddy was the way he was all the while having flash backs to my childhood and being confused on what the "right" thing was.I tried to get him help - I tried to have him committed - I tried and tried and tried. The happiest day of my life was when he and I sat down and had an honest conversation and agreed to a divorce. I moved out of state - back to my home town. The kids and I were completely able to make it on our own with almost no help from him. I didn't call to check on him - I didn't return his calls - when he did come to visit showed complete apathy. It only took 4 months and he honestly changed. We have been back together for almost a year now and things are honestly different. Perfect - no - but happy - my kids are happy. There is VERY VERY little fighting and it is resolved quickly. He learned that I can and will make do with out him and he realized he HAD to take control if he wanted his family back.

My point is - while I completely understand where your husband is coming from and how even if you are doing better now he might have just given too much for too long and have nothing left to give. But I don't want you to lose hope either - while your Dh has to do what is right for him - so do you - keep improving yourself - keep getting better - do it for YOU not for him. But dont' give up on the hope that he could come back to you. I have learned to really believe the expression "If you love something let it go, if it comes back to you, it is yours to keep...." Don't give up. Turn to God - trust him to help you. Put yourself in your husbands shoes - but don't forget to pick your self up by yours as well and give "recovery" as it were all you got to give it! Most states, I believe, have a 6 month waiting period on divorces any way so you might have time. But even if you do get divorced - don't give up on him - and if he moves on with out you - don't ever give up on you!!

My thoughts and prayers are with you!

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brnhll4@bellsouth.net

SAHM to 3 Georgia Peaches - Brooklynne - 8/00 - Ethan Bryce -4/02 -Brayden -9/03


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I am so impressed with the monumental stress so many on this Board have carried quietly & with dignity. I hope it has helped to have friends willing to share really difficult things from their lives. I've been on your husband's side, so I understand his really immediate need to find relief from his own pain and to feel he is finally able to make decisions for his future. I don't believe it necessarily means there is another person involved. Frankly, I couldn't have made time for another relationship if I had tried, so I wouldn't assume it.

Maybe being apart is the best for both of you right now, as you said. It allows each one of you to concentrate on getting healthier and gives you both a new perspective. I truly wish you good health and happiness.

There's no doubt he's seeing someone else. Especially after tonight. His truck was at her house. No more doubt's about that.

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