DH and I have been married for 23 years, one DD age 16. We both acknowledge that we are drifting apart. We don't have any interests in common, different friends (I don't like his, he doesn't like mine). We love each other immensely, but are really stuck. As a result, all aspects of our relationship are suffering. I don't know where to start. We talk and talk, but don't seem to make any real progress. Things are good for a bit, and then it's back to square one.

I'd love to hear from any one you that have been in a similar situation. What did you do? Neither one of us is happy and we are unwilling to settle for "oh well, that's just the way it is".
Any suggestions?

You seem to be able to talk...that is worth something in my book. I've been married for 22 years and my dh will only grunt as a form of communication :C.

Can you travel together ? On like a bus trip ? I met a woman last week that was telling me all about the bus trips she takes..they sound fun. Or how about classes together ? Ball room, creative writing , etc ?

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Live, Love, Laugh

I don't have experience in this, but I wanted to offer my support.

You are probably more fortunate than most long-term couples, in that:

1 - You both communicate well and

2 - You both still love each other

There are so many many couples who don't have what you've both got. I like cubmom2's suggestion that you find something you can both enjoy together.

This might sound goofy, but how about you each make a list of 20 things that you DON'T do, but would be game for trying out? Then you can see each other's lists, and hopefully you'll have a few items down that you BOTH write down? Then you could embark on these potential interests together. You'll either enjoy them, or you won't - either way, you'll be bonding...

I also think marriage counseling at this point would be ideal. You both seem willing to work on it. You're probably the ideal couple for a marriage therapist.

GOOD LUCK!

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"The errors of faith are better than the best thoughts of unbelief." - Thomas Russell

Hihon I have also been married just as long 24 years, Hon, I am also sad to hear your going through some tough times now. Any Marriage is never easy or 100 percent. However you mentioned something very important, that you truly love each other. That factor is so very important and special.Do you feel you and your dh are opposites??. as it always been this way, you not liking each other's friends. I ask this because me and my dh are totally opposite. Yet our love for each other is true and real. I personally feel that when you do not have the same personalities, yet you truly love each other, you can make any type of relationship work. You also mentioned that you are able to talk to each other, Again a very important key in the relationship. Have you tired any form of talking to a professional or your perhaps your church can help. I wish for you and your dh to make things better in your relationship ...Please keep us posted.. Peace.. Catherine

Have you seen the movie Fireproof?
They used a book in the movie as a movie prop and so many people ran to the bookstores looking for the book there was book written after the movie came out. The book is called The Love Dare (you can google it) It's set up as 40 days to a stronger marriage quick and easy reading.

I would have to believe that every single woman on this board would admit that marriages go through phases. I am red hot for my hubby but during the time my kids were going through the terrible twos, going from "mommy" to "sexy wife" several times a week was difficult. I felt distantly removed from my former self. Eventually 2 turned into 3 and I was able to find myself again.
You wrote "things are good for bit, but then it's back to square one". I understand that too.
Relationships take working at. Prioritizing.
An example. I bet if you thought about it You'll call your best gal pal today or tomorrow to tell her what a good deal you got on something or just to "catch up". Will you also call your husband with the same enthusiasm and tell him "Hey, I'm thinking about you today and wanted you to know I appreciate how hard you work to provide for this family. I see all these blessings we have here at Christmas and I wanted you to know I recognize it's because you work so hard all year. I've always been proud of you and the work you do I just needed to say it out loud and directly to you today."

Guys need affirmation just like we gals need cuddling.

You're so far ahead of the game because you recognize there's a need in your marriage. A cycle that CAN be altered by just a few changes.
You are so wise to want to "re-invest" time, effort and energy in that direction. I love mine and want that same awesome-ness for others too.

Take Care,
X

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Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

I've been married for 34 years and what you're talking about is normal. It's just a phase you and your DH are going thru. In a few months, it will probably be gone. I say "probably" because you do have to try to work thru things, i.e., don't just sit in front of the TV and expect things to change. You say you have a 16 year old. I have found that since our kids are gone, DH and I are really enjoying the 'empty nest'! Perhaps send her to a friend's house for an entire weekend.

DH and I have found that things normally just work themselves out. When we see we're getting in a rut, we try to shake things up a bit. We'll go away for the weekend or go on a day trip to see out-of-town friends. Sometimes just going back to places when you were younger or seeing old friends sort of brings you back to the 'good place'.

I hope things will work out quickly for you and your DH.

I have no advise from experience but hope it all works out. Do you find time to make "date" nights? I know we like to get away from it all and go to a b&b for a weekend. We try to make wine tasting every weekend (it's free which is a bonus). My DH and I don't have many shared activities either but we find time to do things we both like. In the summer, we get a patio seat and listen to live music, we'll go to a piano bar, we'll go see a play (DH never thought he would like it until I took him to Phantom and he loved it), do an art tour...whatever. Just so we can hold hands and be close. I like the idea of both making lists of things you might want to do and/or try and compare. Maybe you both want to mountain bike or go play poker at a local pub?

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Proud to say I haven't shopped at a Wal-Mart since Sept 2003

I don't have much to add except to say I think you have a lot going in your favor.
And I think you have been given some really sound advise.from other posters.

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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass
It's about learning to dance in the rain.

Been married 26 years. We have had our ups and downs. We even went to marriage counciling years ago! One thing we have found to be very helpful is to find time for just the two of us. Its so easy to get caught up in our day to day lives that we forget to take the time to enjoy each other. Dh and I make a point to go away for a night at least twice a year. Sometimes we go out of state, and sometimes we go a few hours away and spend time at a local inn. There is something to be said for a change of scenery, no neighbors, and no phones. We usually try to pick a romantic place (fireplace, jacuzzi and nice lounge). I think once we are away from home, we relax and tend to open up about our marriage and our communication improves. Just a suggestion...it might help the two of you!

I am sorry that you are going thru a down time right now. There are ups and downs are in ALL relationships.

I always think about how hard it would be to get used to someone else. That alone makes me try harder in my marriage.

I have way too much invested in my "first" marriage to want to try again!

This is very wise advice.

Isn't that the truth?

DH and I have been married for 30 years and we joke about how we're way too old to try to break in a new mate

OP, I hope you are able to make things better -- it sounds like you both want that.