My soon to be DIL (the one that we offered to give $2000 towards the wedding and we didn't so much as get a thanks from her or our son), just sent me the snarkiest email..

I sent out a message via myspace to her and my son, because they DO NOT ever call or come over. This is my only mode of communication with them, since they usually do not answer the phone or return calls when we leave messages, so I have found this is the easiest. This isn't new, they have always been like that where they don't call or come over unless we reach out and pretty much bang over their heads to come over.
Case point, every Sunday I have a crock pot filled with food for lunch/dinner. It is an open invite for any of the boys to just "drop in" and have lunch or dinner. Never have they stopped in.

Our 15 year anniversary was Sunday. We never even got a call from either one of them. One of our boys was trying to put together a celebration for us, but this son never returned his phone calls.

So, I sent out an email to them, lettting them know what is going on for the Holidays. I always send out a Holiday email to all the boys letting them know what the plans are. This year, since we are going to Cali on Dec 20th, I explained that we would not be having Christmas at our home, but rather would be celebrating in Iowa on Dec 13th and that we would love for them to be there with us. Now, mind you, they both do not work weekends (last I knew anyway).

She sends back an emaiL
"Sorry, we will be unable to join you. Aaron can't get the time off work with such short notice. I really wish you had chosen to share this information with us sooner, so we could have been there."

I sent back an email, asking that one month ahead of time was not enough time??? Short notice???

Am i wrong here? Ugh, I also told her that maybe if they stayed in contact with us on a more consistent basis (like once a month) maybe they would know what is going on in the family. I also reminded her that when one of the family members reaches out, to make sure to contact back..

Ugh.. I told her also in my email that I would not tolerate snarkiness, and I hoped I made myself clear.

Am I wrong??? UGH!! This is going to be ONE LONG RIDE with both my son and her if this keeps up!!!

I would bet thats what he told her to say.He didn't want to look like the bad guy so he had her be the one,lol.Kids!
Are they in their 20's?If so, I wouldn't pressure them when it comes to family events.The truth is,they probably just don't feel like it this year.
Being young,they haven't mastered the art of excuses yet,lol.
Just give them some holidays to themselves, they'll eventually come around.

__________________

Maybe she thought you were talking about Thanksgiving, not Christmas....in which case the 13th would be this week and not very much heads up. Sometimes people read stuff too quickly ....

cj/

__________________
I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. -Emo Phillips

cj makes a good point.

Also adding that I'd go easy on them but that is who I am and what I have learned from my own relationship with my mom over the years.

Put yourself in their shoes if you can -- they are probably at that time in their lives when they are trying to break away (I'm still doing this with my mom! and I'm 44 years old) and as Dolly said, haven't mastered the art of excuses yet. LOL. You have a lifetime ahead of you if you can tread lightly. Otherwise, you run the risk of years and years of no contact vs. what you currently have.

I know that it must be hard sending one of them out into the world but you are mom and he'll come home when he feels that the time is right. Give him time (and gentle encouragement, ie. "our door is always open", "we miss you", etc.).

I thought so, as well (that she thought it was this weekend)

But here is my email. Now mind you, when I sent it on Monday, I was a little upset that our son hadn't called to wish us a Happy Anniversary. Of course, he didn't call for Father's Day, Mother's Day, My dh birthday or my birthday.. or really anytime. I think we can only use his Asperger's as an excuse for so long..but then again...I guess I could be wrong on that. Of course, if they live together and are getting married.. maybe it is too much for me to assume that she should remind him or even make the move herself to call or send wishes (I do that for my dh with his mom and dad-send out Birthday/anniversary cards, etc).

"This year, we will be gone for Thanksgiving to our Parents homes in Missouri and Arkansas, from Nov 26 until that Sunday. We will not be having Thanksgiving at our house.

Christmas, we are flying out to California and spending time with my dad's family and my sister and will be gone from Dec 20th until January 3rd. We will not be having Christmas at our home this year.

We are, however, going to Aunt Pams the weekend of December 13th, leaving Friday the 12th and coming back Sunday Dec 14th. We will be having our family get together at that time. Mark, Jonathan and Renee have made plans to be there. (this are two of our other boys and Jon's girlfriend).

You are more than welcome to come celebrate Christmas with us at this time, if you so desire.

Love,

Dad and Kathy"

Anyway, maybe you are right. I just was so floored by her response!

I hope I don't hurt your feelings but that email really doesn't sound that enthusiastic about wanting them to come.It sounds more like your saying to them"If you have any plans of comming over for Christmas this is the day that we are open for you to come."
I don't think my mom would have ever won me over with that line.

__________________

I agree. I wouldn't want to come either in response to that email, which sounds kind of cold and clinical.

I think it's completely unfair to blame your son's fiancee for his failure to note your birthday, anniversary, etc. How is that her fault? He's your son!

__________________

Reading is Fundamental.

My grandmother is the only one in our extended family who ever remembers anniversaries besides my DH who remembers our anniversary, yea!

I'm sorry that I feel like I'm making excuses for your son but boys will be boys... I know that you are upset right now but as I said above, I'd tread lightly.

Having expectations of others can be dangerous territory.

Oi.. you all are right.


It does sound very clinical.


Thanks for helping me wrap my head around it. I owe an apology.

I have one other question. How would you approach your son to tell him that he should be doing these things ((contacting family members on birthday's, father/mothers day, or special occasions), without offending or making him feel bad about himself?


Maybe I will make a new thread with this question.

I wouldn't tell him.

I'd stop marking his big events. If he's old enough to get married, he's old enough to know better than to ignore those occasions. Since he clearly doesn't care about them, I think you should simply honor his desire not to mark them anymore.

__________________

Reading is Fundamental.

Truble, thanks. ..that is some good advice. Maybe not one that I want to hear, as we love celebrating our children and the important things in their life. It would be VERY hard for me or my dh to just stop celebrating them.

But, you give some very good, sound advice, as always.

Ohh Maybe for Christmas you could give them a calender with all the important dates filled in, especially their wedding day, and tell them that if you have forgotten any "special"days that they may share them with you so that you can celebrate them together.

That is a great idea, but I am sure I would be accused of something by doing that.. lol

My MIL does this every year and has always done it. She has 4 kids - 3 boys & a girl. All are adults and married, 3 with families. Every year under the tree is a new calendar with eveyone's birthdays & anniversaries on it. I used to really appreciate it. I still do, but we've been married 19 years, I've got it all down by now. She gives it to everyone, so no one is left out or singled out.

Good luck figuring it all out!

Lisa

__________________
"It's not having what you want,
It's wanting what you've got"

I *love* this idea, and think I will incorporate it into Christmas for all of my kids - my 7yo dd will love it, and all of the older ones will be able to use it. Especially if I get them calendars matching their interests. I know this wasn't the intent of the original post, but thanks!

Sandy

I don't think those things are big deal for men. I know my DH has never phoned his parents for bday's or anniversaries. I always have done that so the first year we were married I sent a card and though my MIL would fall over LOL She had never gotten a card from DH or my SIL for that matter on their anniversary. It's just not something they "do". They (in laws) don't call us on our bdays or anniversary either. If I didn't call *my* mom on her anniversary the poop would hit the fan but I know my brother doesn't call her (and he lves less than a block away). I agree that you should maybe stop calling/doing for him on his "special" days.

__________________
Proud to say I haven't shopped at a Wal-Mart since Sept 2003

Personally, I think that he is an adult and makes his own decisions. I dont think that you should blame her. She may be saying what he is telling her to say. My ex used to do that and then my in laws looked at me like the bad guy.

I agree with trbl, he doesnt care about them. Stop making things worse for yourself...

I agree with those who have said to just let him be. People are wired differently. Is it that you feel warm and fuzzy *knowing* that contact was made between him and others, that they are offended that they don't receive attention from him on certain days... or what part of the situation is it that makes you feel like you need to 'fix' his way of dealing with others? If that sounded snarky, it wasn't intended - I'm just not sure what impact his lack of contact has... if it's purely an emotional response on your part, if the others get mad and complain to you and you feel the need to be the 'smoother-overer' or why you feel a need to intevene.

Personally, I think it all comes down to expectations... and it seems you have an expectation that doesn't match his personality style. I know my brother next to never remembers me on my birthday... but it doesn't hurt my feelings at all. My parents didn't make a big deal out of their own anniversary, so it wasn't something I felt a need to acknowledge. For instance, they might've been apt to do something little for each other... but it wasn't *our* celebration - it was just kind of like Valentines Day, where they acknowledged one another. Consequently, I often forgot that it even was their anniversary when it rolled around. They didn't have an emotional expectation that I *should* make them the focus of that day, and I assume were not hurt that they weren't.

Regarding your email, I do think it sounds more cold than you probably intended that it be. I don't know where your holidays have taken place in the past, but if you've historically had a gathering at your own home and your 21 yo has the expectation / feeling that the holidays are spent *there*... to receive that email may have made him feel like you were informing him that his history was going to be backburnered because you had things you wanted to do more than spend those days with him and his new wife. I realize that wasn't your intention - just playing devil's advocate here. We always had Christmas at 'home', so if my mom informed me she had other plans and that I would have to meet her in another state for a get-together with extended relatives if I wanted to see her at all... I'd have felt low on her list.

Had you said something like...

"Hi, Kids,

Just wanted to touch base about the holidays. We'd like to get together with you if we can figure out a date that works for everyone. We haven't seen several extended family members in a long time and they just so happen to have invited us to spend time with them during Thanksgiving and Christmas, and we thought we should try to make an effort to do that... so we'll be gone to California and Iowa on the actual 'days' of the holidays, but don't want that to prevent us from planning something special with you. The dates we have open right now are ________. Do any of those work well for you? Of course you are welcome to join us in Iowa if you are able to get off work. I know everyone would be glad to see you there! Just let me know what your schedules look like and we'll try to figure something out!

Love,
Dad & Kathy


...... they might've responded more warmly.

I think the last thing you want to to is start a war with you DIL. You will lose that one....

My MIL did something to cross her son and I just before we were married....and it drew a huge line in the sand.

You also need to remember that if these two work all week, and Saturday and Sunday are the days that they have off together...the last thing they might want to do is share time with their parents. If they are planning to get married, it isn't a far reach to think that their "alone time" is really special to them right now. An "open invite" is just that... it isn't a standing plan. So, if you want to spend time with them, don't just leave the door open, pick a date and time and invite them over. They are adults in a relationship...so, treat them like it. If they don't accept your invitation, then you have to live with that. They are adults...you can't force them to want to have a close relationship with you. Give them some space, and maybe things will change. Also, you can't blame the DIL for everything....your son is the one that is going to set the pace on how to deal with his family. If she is a little snarky or even brutal shrew to you and he knows about it, then he is obviously okay with her actions, unless he tells you otherwise. My husband is not pleased with his mother, and he knows that I am not pleased with her also, but it is not okay for me to act disrespectful...I follow his lead. Maybe she is doing the same?

__________________
I'm the kind of woman when my feet hit the floor in each morning, the devil says "Oh crap, she's up."

Sounds like your son and his bride to be thinks the world resolves around them. Guess you need to show them that it doesn't.

Stop fixing enough food for the kids on Sunday since they never come. You and DH go off on your own on Sunday and stop waiting for kids who aren't going to come by.

Send out another email stating your intentions for Christmas. Say something like I know how busy everyone is, if we can get together that would be great.

Is there a reason your sons and future DIL don't want to come to your house and don't want to have anything to do with you?

With my MIL we hate to go visit because as soon as we walk in the door, all we hear is how terrible she feels, how awful the people are around her, just one complaint after another, she didn't have time to go to the store, making my DH fix stuff for her. Last time he was under her house in dirt for most of the time fixing a cable.

When my son and his wife come to visit, they know they can come and go as they please, they have a key to the house, I have food on the table or in the fridge when they're hungry. They can hang around or run around with their friends. My DIL's parents live in a huge house about 7 miles from us. They've never stayed with them because they hate the atmosphere and don't feel welcome. Plus my DIL and son call us at least five times a week and we email constantly. (They live out of town).

Perhaps it's time to have a family talk and air out these feelings and ask them what can be done to remedy this situation. This isn't going away, you know.

Reading back to the original post, something struck me as odd

"we didn't so much as get a thanks from her or our son" Your SON didnt say thanks either? What does that say about him and his manners? And please dont blame her for that, he is a grown man...
I think you should let it go. If he wants to stop fine, if not then fine.. Just drop it before you end up gettign really hurt by your son...

OH NO! It's happening to you. You're becoming the dreaded MIL!

There's still time to make amends and beg for forgiveness. Try to think about how you felt at that age and how you would want to be treated. (Including asking them when they are free to celebrate the Holidays and cutting her some slack when she turns into Bridezilla - which we all do at one point or another when planning a wedding.)

Good Luck!

Rebecca

Gee, I LOVE this idea!

Kathy, this really jumped out at me as one of my sons has Aspergers. Have you ever read _Look Me In the Eye_ by John Elder Robison? The author was not diagnosed until adulthood - he provides some really good insights into the inner-workings of an Aspergian's mind.

Scary..LOL

No, I haven't.. Thank you. I will look into this.

Is this a stepson? I ask because you signed it "Dad and Kathy".

My MIL is AWFUL about calling on my kids (her grandkids) b-days, she just plain forgets and never writes it on her calendar. To counter act this I always call or text her in the morning while the kids are at school. I simply say, "Hi, it's Nelly. I'm calling to remind you that today is ----- b-day and he would love to hear from you. He will get home from school around 4pm. My number, in case you misplaced it, is xxx-xxxx." Since I started doing this she has not missed a single b-day (and she thanks me every time for giving her the heads up).

__________________
Calling a illegal alien an "undocumented immigrant" is like calling a drug dealer an "unlicensed pharmacist."

Oh, I forgot to add....

Don't get too upset over an anniversary. B-days are one thing, but trying to remember everyones anniversary is another. Also, I only call immediate family on their b-days. Mom, MIL, FIL, Dad, my Sisters and Brothers, Their spouses, BILs, BILs wife, nieces and nephews, Grand Parents. Thats it. It's too much to remember when Uncle Ed and his families b-days are.

__________________
Calling a illegal alien an "undocumented immigrant" is like calling a drug dealer an "unlicensed pharmacist."

My husband and I made an agreement early on - he deals with the events of his family and I deal with mine. It has worked out amazingly well.

If my kids didn't answer my phone calls, I would most likely stop calling. It isn't like he doesn't know where you live.

Your son is a man. It seems like you have major issues with his soon-to-be wife. I have seen many men lose relationships with their mothers because they were forced to choose. I hope this isn't the situation your son will find himself in. Quite frankly, if he does have Aspergers, I would think you would be super careful around any positive relationships he forms, since he most likely finds it difficult to form bonding relationships.

You did a great job and have raised a child that is apparently self sufficient and hopefully happy. Let him live and let him know you are always around if he needs you.

And, in my family, anniversaries, bdays, etc really aren't that big of a deal. My husband and I celebrate our anniversay. I could care less what my kids think about it. Same with Birthdays.

I hope things get better for you.

Kathy I just wanted to offer and say I sincerely hope your able to work out any problems with your sons. While I am not there yet with my ds Thomas who will be 20 in March, I know it must be hard. A few things I have learned however from being married , while you will never ever forget your first family, when you get married your husband or wife should always come first no matter what. Another thing I have learned when it comes to birthdays and anniversaries, sadly most men forget. I am the one who sends the cards and makes the calls and reminds him my dh Tommy. Another thing while I was very lucky to have a wonderful Mil, Rose she passed away at 70 ten years ago of a massive heart attack, she was a lovely person and truly never once butted into our personal issues. I miss her very much. However my mom learned that lesson late in life, early in my Marriage she would easily speak her mind, which I had to step back and say Mom I love you dearly but Tommy is my husband and I have to take his side. I realize its never easy. Life is never easy, someday it will be me. I am somewhat there he my ds has a steady girlfriend for the last 18 months. Her name is Katie , she is sweet and nice. However When I see him and her kissing and all. In my heart he is still and always will be my baby and as one mom to another it is not easy. So Kathy again I sincerely hope things will be better for you and your family.. peace .. CAtherine

Yes, but I raised him. He says that I am the only one he considers "mom". His mom has had nothing to do with either of the boys since he was 12 or 13 and before that, there was much abuse (as to why we got custody). I sign my name "Kathy" simply because that is what they both call me. But I am, and always will, consider myself his mom. I do not love them any less than if I had given birth to them.

When I got married, I felt threatened by my MIL. She could cook, she was a world traveler, and she knew more about her son than I did. She had what I sometimes considered a condescending attitude. I knew he loved his mom, but I wasn't always 100% sure about his loving me. I was just very insecure and a little naive. Ok more than a little naive.

But 42 years later, I have one important thing to keep in mind. Your DIL may be the one to pick your nursing home. Be very nice to her, no matter what she does, because she will probably remember all the slights and very little of the good.

It is wonderful that you are their mom! I hope that you find peace with this situation.

Cuthie,

Thank you.....

Thank you so very much.

I just thought I would add my two cents... I typically forget to call my mom on her anniversary, I do call on Mother's day, and I try to remember her birthday, but she doesn't call on my anniversary or birthday for that matter. I think an anniversary is something that's just for you and your honey... Other people need not make a big deal of it, birthdays are different, I ALWAYS get a phone call from each sister on my birthday, none of my brothers EVER call... And I would never expect their wives to do it for them. Don't make a big deal of your son not doing it, it's very rare for them to do it and if you push it, it's going to make you look like the pushy MIL that everyone dreads.
Good luck!

I disagree, I think that for a special anniversary (Milesone dates), like 15, 20, 25.. so on.. the kids SHOULD make a big deal about it. I have never heard of parents throwing parties for themselves, at least not here. It is always the kids of the parents that are throwing it. Even if they are 60 years old...

The little ones, okay.. I agree. But the big ones, I think the kids should definitely be celebrating in some way and doing something for the parents.

If I lived near my mom and her husband, I would be taking them out to dinner every year on their anniversary (or around the date). Same for my dh's mom. We would be doing something for her and her husband as well. I think it would be considered honoring them.

Should they celebrate your milestone anniversaries? Sure, that would be nice. Will they? Not always, especially boys. I agree with everyone else that you are better off resetting your expectations of your adult sons and being presently surprised when they do follow through as you would like. There are many other measures of "good people"; I think you'll feel better if you focus on their positives.

cj/

__________________
I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. -Emo Phillips

I guess I've never heard of the 15th, 20th, etc., being occasions where the children threw parties for their parents.

I've *occasionally* seen a small get-together for a 25th... maybe two or three times, ever... and frequently for 50th's. That's pretty much it.

My husband and I acknowlege our anniversary by going out to eat w/out the kids or something and we're apt to mention to them that it's our anniversary, but we don't expect them to have an awareness of it like they would the family birthdays. We're about at 21 years now.

While sure, it would be sweet if they wanted to make a big deal out of our anniversary when they are grown, I don't think that culturally there is an expectation that they should - and within our family there definitely isn't. Perhaps it's geograpical... but around here, I just don't experience what you're wishing for Kathy. That's not to say it's unreasonable or wrong - just that it's atypical from what I have seen. And in our family, I know it wouldn't occur to my husband at all. We didn't do such things for my parents when they were both living, so it would seem weird for me to do it for my MIL on behalf of my husband when neither he nor I created such celebrations for my folks. *I* would have to be the instigator for his parents... and it would seem like I was slighting the memory of *mine* to do that since we didn't for them.

When you are married 15 and for some even 20, the kids can be rather young. When you are married 25 years, your kids are probably just starting out in life and don't have money, so throw your own party if your now grown kids don't do it for you. I know several people who did that. They could afford a better bigger party and so they did.

When you took all of your parents out for their anniversaries, did your kids go along? If not, then they may not even be aware of your expectations. If you did, then they have decided to not follow in that tradition.

Are all of your children boys? I have a boy and a girl and let me tell you, boys, in general, don't give a rat's fart about an anniversary. Sometimes, not even their own. So getting them to do more than grunt is an uphill battle. I suggest that you buy yourself a card, fill out the address, put a stamp on it write on the envelope the anniversary date and the mailing date, and give it to your son and tell him you expect him to sign it and mail it on the appropriate date. If you do this a few years in a row, maybe he will come around and realize that this is big for you and start doing something on his own.

I figure an anniversary is something my husband and I celebrate. If the kids take notice fine, if not, fine. My daughter lives with us and her birthday is on 11/11 and both her and our anniversaries are on 11/12 so she doesn't stand a chance of forgetting ours... .. If her birthday were not the day before we probably would not remember our anniversary some years.

Now I don't think kids should make a big deal about anniversaries... But when you get to 50 years, then yeah, that's a BIG deal and it should be made into a big deal. I'm sorry, but I don't think 15 years really warrants having such a big deal made out of it. Also, men in general don't make big deal out of things, let alone their parents anniversary. I've had to train my dh that he needs to make an effort on my birthday... It took a few years, but he's doing it now, but can't remember his mom's or sister's birthdays, so I usually try to remind him (sometimes it slips from me too)... But you shouldn't hold that on your soon to be dil.

Funny,I wonder if it is just a geographical thing.

Here, the kids celebrate parents with parties and such for anniversaries, birthdays. I think it might be regional.

I was just talking with a man the other day, who said he had a yahoo message come over reminding him of his parents anniversary. He said "so I called Dad a day early and he was so happy" but then again, he said "I do it every year".
He said, I am going to take them out to Dinner on their date. He then said, we are already planning their big milestone anniversary. Which is three years away. .

He said his sisters rarely remember their anniversary, but they are planning the big one.

So, I asked him. I said, so you don't think it is out of the norm to expect your children to remember you on your anniversary?
He said, "why would you even ask such a thing? Of course it isn't. It's always expected.. why would you think anything different"

"Well", I said, "I have these group of friends from all around the country......" LOL!

Seriously though, everyone I have talked to around here, say that they would be greatly upset if their children (boys included) did not celebrate (meaning a phone call or a card, at the very least) their anniversary/birthday's, etc.

Guess we all have different expectations and have been raised one way or another.

BTW, I would never expect a party.. but a card and phone call is appreciated and ( in a way ) expected. Just the same as they expect it from us, you know?....

OK....If this is a regional expectation, then I guess it gets back to the fact that the kid(s) are grown up now and your opportunity to teach them what is expected of them is more or less over. Continuing to press may have an effect opposite to what you desire. I've found it is easier to reset my expectations and/or response to disappointment then it is to change the behavior of other adults. One I control, the other I really can't.

cj/

__________________
I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. -Emo Phillips

cj..that makes total sense.

So, my guess is that you are not in agreement with doing a calendar, as was suggested on here?

I am 41, and my mother still teaches me so much about life and how to live.

So, I guess we will have to agree to disagree at this point, because I don't believe a parent ever stops "teaching" their children.. no matter what their age.

I think the calendar idea is fine; but it's all in how you present it and whether it seems like a scolding or a dig. I also think that you should not expect a huge change in behavior.

cj/

__________________
I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. -Emo Phillips

That belief could cost you your stepchildren and might be the reason they aren't as emotionally involved with you as you want them to be. There comes a point when 'teaching' is seen as interference. If your stepson didn't bother to call for Father's Day, Mother's Day, your DH's birthday or your birthday, why is him not wishing you 'Happy Anniversary' worth getting upset over? Surely, you can't have been surprised.

If I were you, I'd give them some space and stop 'teaching'. If your stepson doesn't care enough to pick up a phone on your birthday when he knows how important it is to you, then giving your grown 'pupil' another 'lesson' isn't going to make him learn now. I'd quit 'teaching' before you drive him away entirely. From the sound of it, he's more than half gone now.

I hope I'm not hurting your feelings but if your stepson is old enough to marry, he's old enough to decide how much time he wants to invest into maintaining a relationship with his parents. According to you, your stepsons don't invest any time at all into making you happy. They don't drop in to eat, they don't call you, why? What did/do you do to make them avoid you? I'd ask myself that before I kept pushing them. You just might push too hard one day and lose them for good.

I like the calendar idea...

I have 5 brothers who don't remember ANYTHING. I think they come to expect an email from me the day of or the day before, to remind them of something... My parents 30th anniversary was this week and I had to email them to remind them. Even then, they don't usually respond. It is just the men, the women in my family are amazing at remembering everything.

I'd do the calendar thing another year where it's not such a big issue. You'll be adding fuel to the fire.

Rebecca

YOu know what? Forget this. I did nothing to these boys, and resent you even INSINSINUATING that I might have!
The only sin I ever did to them was taking them in as my own, and giving them a mother when their own mother did nothing but beat the hell out of them and let them be abused by every tom, dick and harry she had moving into her home.

I resent this. If you know enough about my history to even think to ask this, then you KNOW enough about my history to KNOW what I have been through with these two very lost, uncaring individuals.. (Who are a product of their mother). I could tell you stories that would make your toes curl.

My only wish was that they would learn to care about others, and seeing that they don't makes me VERY VERY SAD...I will always keep hoping that one day they will care for another human being and give back some of the love that has been given to them. I am only hurt because I know there are parts that can't be touched in them.. not even the most caring soul can change severe abuse that a child goes through during their early childhood years.

NUFF SAID. This whole point is MOOT and I have had enough of the freaking insinuations..
I will take what you said, though, and see it for what it is. You are very right that I need to just back off away if they are not receptive. It is just so hard to not keep pushing when you just keep hoping....



scashman, I like the calendar idea too....

I agree.

If they perceive that the point of the calendar is that *you* want them to remember and acknowledge the dates you chose to include, it'll go over like a lead balloon.

If you assume *they* want copies of the dates and you're just helping out, it has a better shot at being taken well.

My MIL used to give us calendars and then would be offended that I didn't know where mine was. She'd call with a new date for me to mark (such as when a niece or nephew got married, she'd call to let me know the new spouse's birthday) and I never had a clue where it was. She'd ask the next time I saw her if I got it marked down and if I was honest and admitted that I still hadn't located the calendar, it was obvious that she was a little annoyed that she'd gone to all that trouble to make the thing for me and I didn't even bother to keep track of it, much less make use of it.

We have over 70 nieces, nephews, and great-nieces and great-nephews on my husband's side of the family. I have 12 brothers-in-law and 11 sisters-in-law. If I just sent everyone a card and $5 for their birthday that'd cost around $800/year. Not happenin'! lol If I remembered their anniversaries... I have a headache just thinking about it!

I understand that those dates are important to *her* and I do feel happy for her that she finds joy in remembering them. But for me... they just aren't top priority. If she pushed me to *make* them so just because she likes the idea of all this event celebration, it'd drive a wedge between us. I just don't like to feel pushed into things that don't come naturally to me.

WOW ! ! !

I made no insinuations. You wrote that your stepsons won't come over or call you and even ignore your birthday along with the other holidays. I wrote that if I were you, I'd ask myself the reason why your stepsons avoid you but hey, I'm glad you cleared that up. Your response made it crystal clear that nobody would want to avoid someone as reasonable as yourself. Yeah, it's a mystery why your children want to stay away from someone as charming as you. ROFL!

Wow is right. That last one was really uncalled for.

But, in reading all this, Kathy, I think that you're pretty set in your feelings on this subject. Please don't be so hard on yourself - not recognizing events does not mean that these boys do not care for others.

I wish you the best in finding some peace on this subject.

cj/

__________________
I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. -Emo Phillips

"hoping that one day they will care for another human being and give back some of the love that has been given to them" You can keep hoping however you cant FORCE it and it seems that is what you are trying to do.
I have done everything for my step kids and they dont acknowledge my b day, anniversary or even their fathers b day. But I cant change them. Thats how they are. I dont let it upset me. Hell if I got upset everytime someone forgot my b day I would be pissed at everyone.
I really think you are making a big deal out of nothing....

closed thread.....post limit reached

__________________