This might be more a request for help from mothers who have an Aspergers child.

I am not sure how to handle a situation, and am looking for input.

How would you approach your son (or grown child) to tell him that he should be doing these things ((contacting family members on birthday's, father/mothers day, or special occasions), without offending or making him feel bad about himself?

I am not sure if this is directly related to his Asperger's. But he does not make any effort to contact or remain in contact with any of his family (on his mom's side as well as ours)..which is what we have dealt with ever since he was young. He always was one that didn't care if someone came in and out of his life, and if you were out of sight, you were out of his mind. Now that he is grown (he is 21), how can we approach him to let him know that this is hurting relationships that he has with other family members, without making him feel bad about himself?

Or should we just not say anything and not expect anything from him?

I wouldn't say anything.I think it should not be a responsibility.I feel it should be something that you want to do, not have to.For example ,my brother and son rarely sends anyone a card for holidays or even contacts us.But once in awhile ,usually when they begin to miss us or wonder how we are doing,we'll hear from them or get a card and sometimes when they're in a really happy state of mind they'll even visit for the holidays.

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I answered on the first thread, but basically -- I wouldn't tell him, I'd just start ignoring his.

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Reading is Fundamental.

Dear Aaron and (fill in the blank)
Sorry about our miscommunication the other day. We surely will miss you both at Aunt Pam's. We hope to see you during the holidays. Just give us a call and we can get together. Families are so important to us. Here is a list of all our cell phones and you know the home phone numbers. We do love to hear from you and worry when we do not. Dad and I are usually home on sunday evening and would love to hear from you. Your calls are always welcome.
Call me if you need any help with the addresses for your christmas card list as I remember starting out that I needed help with this.

EXCELLENT.. Icansavedaily...

That is wonderful. Thank you so much for your help.

Sometimes I think that these things should just be coming to me naturally.. but I sure do appreciate you all helping me when I need a lesson on how to be more objective in how I deal with relationships in the family.

He's grown and has a track record already of not being sentimental. I think the opportunity has passed to instill this in him. If you push this, you are still (in his eyes, I think) trying to run his life and treat him like a child.

I think too, in your other, he may or may not have advised the gf what to write. I'd be willing to bet that she took on the responsibility of responding herself, knowing that he would not. He is the one without contact, so she tried, however it seemed to come across. You have to realize that he is grown now.

dl

Yes, this is true. I do find myself, sometimes, still trying to help them out with life's lessons. It's hard, but we do it with all of the boys.

The hardest part is the financial end of it. We seem to be good to get some $$$ from for what they need, but when it comes to listening to us preach about what should be going on.. lol..well that is a different story! haha

Guess that is how it is with all grown adult children sometimes.lol

I told my dh, I said, OMG.. what are we going to do when the last one leaves the house? We have always had children here, ever since we have been married. Our entire life together has circled around the boys. It is going to be a hard adjustment, or at least I am fearful it might be...But in reality, we will probably love every minute of it and relish in the peace and quiet!

As the mom of a 21 yr old d/s with Asperger's, I can empathize! Today is my d/d's bday. I debated and finally sent him an email titled Gentle Reminder stating "Hey, you probably already realize, but I know how busy life can be! Tomorrow is your sister's bday, and I know she'd love to hear from you!" Sometimes he'll remember, sometimes not. Sometimes he'll call, sometimes not. It is a pretty typical part of the Asperger's, and not an indication of his level of caring. I know he feels badly when he realizes he has missed something. While it is not his girlfriend's responsibility to remind him, I would hope she would encourage his family ties, and help him with the things that do not come naturally to him. That's what partners do, regardless of diagnosis.

I disagree with the statement "the time has passed to instill this in him". It is not that simple. I am certain we have raised all our kids to value their family and friends, and to be active in reaching out to them. Asperger's changes the landscape.

It does sound as though there is more going on here, in light of the fiasco with the wedding $$$. I hope it is just a phase that passes quickly so you can all enjoy time together.

Thank you so much! I am so glad to know that there is someone else on here that is dealing with the same thing.
I know he feels bad, as well, when he doesn't make the effort, and that is why I am unsure how to approach it because he needs to know that it is hurting someone else when he doesn't.

My dh made a comment today that maybe she is upset (and maybe he as well) that we didn't give them more than $2000 towards the wedding.

At that point, my frame of thought was, OH WELL! lol

My son is also 21, lives at home and doesn't remember anything. In Sept. we had our 25th wedding anniversary on the 3rd and I turned 50 on the 4th and heard nothing from my son. He didn't say happy birthday until the weekend when my sister took us out for dinner for my birthday. Then the next month he took his girlfriends mother out to breakfast for her birthday. This did hurt my feeling a little. I didn't say anything and hope that maybe next year he remembers. He did just ask my 12 year old when in Nov. his birthday is so that might be a good step. 21 year olds are still pretty self centered sometimes so I would give him a few years to grow up. (I hope lol)

He is an adult now and making his own choices. As this is not a dangerous choice, but simply one that you are not happy with, I would let it go (as hard as that might be). I see this as a somehwat thinly veiled attempt to say that he is hurting you while making it seem like it is other relationships.

I definitely wouldn't write about it in an e-mail; way too much chance for misinterpretation without the non-verbal cues that are needed for sensitive communication.

IMHO, of course.

cj/

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I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. -Emo Phillips

Regarding the $2K... you just never know what's up there. Is she from $$ herself? If so, she might not have a sense of what a sacrifice that money could've meant to you. For some, $2K is a lot of money, and for others it might seem like nothing. If her family raised her with the expectation that each family would contribute something, your gift may have felt like a let-down. The fault, of course, would be with the expectations they set her up to have... not with you... but it's the sort of thing about which maturity and time and age will give her a better perspective.

Where parents are considered, the concept of 'thanking' them is sometimes not on the radar. If a parent has always done something almost as part of their role as a parent, it becomes an expectation rather than a gift that wasn't required. Kind of like feeding them supper and making sure they have clothes... in some families, the expectation that the parents pay for the wedding as part of their parental role changes the mindset of the bride/groom when they do it when compared to someone who has lived a lifetime thinking their own wedding had to be on their own nickel.

They're very young and they are cutting cords right now, it seems... so I'd cut them some slack, behaving lovingly and warmly, and do what you're able with a generous heart and a smile on your face, without the expectation that they will then behave towards you in the way that you would choose for them to.

If this were a recent behaviour or a new behaviour I think you would be justified in saying something; However, you indicate that this has been going on for a long time.

You can't force an adult child to conform to what you think is appropriate. You can't force anyone to maintain a certain level of involvement in their family once they become and adult.
Maybe it's the Asperger's. Maybe the new wife is hell on wheels and makes it difficult for him to be involved with his "family" (I am--I despise my in-laws. And most think my dislike is justified...). Maybe he doesn't really give a damn--who knows?
But I can tell you this--if you continue to push the matter, you will end up alienating him further. LET IT GO! Don't expect much and you won't be disappointed, conversely if he does initiate contact and involvement you will be pleasantly surprised.

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

"hurting relationships that he has with other family members, without making him feel bad about himself?"
Personally I think you need to let the other family members speak for themselves. If he hurts you then say something however if it is someone else, you need to let that go.

I agree with Marilynk, the harder you push the more you will lose...

I noticed in one of your posts you said something about 'preaching'. So -- quit preaching. Kids that have moved on don't want to be preached to. They're grown. Let them be. Perhaps this is the reason they're not coming around? Do you constantly ask questions? Are you always questioning something they're doing or telling them what they 'need' to do? Do you make them feel guilty if they don't call? My grown sons (24) are the same way with their grandmother (DH's mother). They absolutely HATE to go see her or talk on the phone to her. Why? No matter how much they call her it's never enough; no matter how many times they go see her, it's never enough; when they do talk to her or go see her, it's always complaints about how she feels, and then it's question after question. They just roll their eyes and bite their tongue.

I also noticed you keep mentioning the $2000 you gave your son and future DIL. Do you happen to mention that when you see them or talk to them? You gave it to them as a gift. It's a gift, so just let it go.

As far as your sons not remembering other family members, that's his responsibility - not yours. You could make a calendar (with family photos, etc.) and have all the birthdays, anniveraries, etc. on it. Give one to everyone so it won't seem like you're singling out someone. And don't say something like "since no one remembers anyone's birthday's...." Just wrap it as a Christmas gift and give one to each family.

Like some other posters have said -- the harder you push, the more you lose.

Actually, no. When they come around I never preach, I am usually very happy to see them and excited to find out all that is going on. All of the other boys come to visit pretty regularly. Most of them, depending on what is going on in their life, drop in on a regular basis...
But, you bring up something I need to remember. Becasue when things are going well for them, and they come to me for advice, I do tend to "preach". I have to really watch myself.

1. No, not really, except for "how are things going at work".. "are you hungry?"
2. No, unless they bring it up to me, then I have a habit of having all of the answers..LOL
3. YES .. I do. I did it with my oldest because he didnt' call on Sunday, he called on Monday. Aaron, my dh called him tonight when I was at work. I guess dad was pretty mad as well, at the email his gf sent me. He also told him that it is a two way street, and they need to call and keep in touch with us at least once a month. He also told him that when a family member reaches out, he needs to call them back.
So yeas, I do have a habit of doing that when they don't show up to special occasions (doesn't happen too often), I can honestly say they are here for every planned holiday. It is the calling that slacks and lacks, when it comes to special days in the family. I am all about supporting each other as a family..so I guess my head isn't quite right yet in understanding that it is okay when they don't. I should have been Mormon..LOL

Oh, no. I have never mentioned it at all to them. I would never do that. Don't think I didn't think it though..LOL


While I was driving to work today, I thought about that calendar a lot. I really like that idea, and I think that is what I am going to do. While I would take offense to it, maybe I am just sensitive that way in thinking they would take offense to me doing that.


But no, this problem is only with this one. I really do think that it is his Asperger's. I feel that even though dh has talked to him about it, I feel that maybe there is nothing we can do. Again, I am really, really family oriented. Almost to a fault. But I am not sure how that could ever be a fault, unless I am clinging too much. I just really feel that when it all comes down to it, they should all live around me in a big circle, with our home in the middle (ha! Just kidding!!!LOL) We should also change our name to the Osmonds.. haha

One more thing i do want to mention, that I just had an epiphany on..

I think what the problem is, with Aaron, is that we worry that he is angry or is becoming distant.

He did that quite often as a child and he owuld alienate himself from the family.

So, when he doesn't call, I worry. I worry that he is alienating himself. When he doesn't call for our B-day's Father's Day, Mother's Day, etc..

Then I worry he is mad at us.

Does that make sense?

Maybe it's more about that than anything else.

I replied on the other thread but I'll reply here as well just in case you miss it on the other one :-) If you haven't yet read _Look Me In the Eye_ by John Elder Robison, I highly recommend it. The author was not diagnosed until adulthood and he gives some really good insights into the inner-workings of the Apergian mind.

No, she does not come from money at all. But her parents do sacrifice to give her what she wants...almost to a fault. But she is her daddy's only daughter... so I know this is a special time for him and he is really excited to pay for her wedding. Although he made it very clear he isn't too excited about her marrying our son. (nice huh?) Reason he gave was because he works at Wal Mart.

We, on the other hand, never had even a bit to sacrifice when all of the boys were under this roof.. lol Five boys to feed and cuts in pay.. you know the drill. However, they always had what they needed. We always went ouf of our way to make sure that their mental and physical needs were met. That is what parents do.

It isn't until now, that our income has grown enough that we live comfortably and we can "do" all of those extras that we were never able to do. That is why we are giving him that much towards his wedding. We thought it was being generous, but they (actually the fiancee) had different things in mind (like an expensive cruise) to the tune of three times what we said we would give.

I think she just expected us to pay more..........when we were hoping they would be excited for what we did give.

I think that kids now are just prone to expecting and not having to do without. Not the same way at least it was when I was growing up.
I would have fallen over if my parents had even given me $50 towards my wedding!

Great idea...this is a really insightful book. I know it was helpful for me.